I just want to end it all.

Hi everyone. I don’t know what to do I feel so lost and empty. Basically a backstory when I was 16 I had my virginity taken by a rapist which scarred me. A short while after this event I met a boy who I fell in love with, he made me very happy but he broke up with me suddenly and I’ve been depressed since. I engaged in promiscuous behavior I’m not proud of and I’ve had sex with 17 men. One of them told me that he tested positive for hepatitis c which means I might have it. I’m getting tested today and I’m terrified. I already feel that my life isn’t worth sh*t and if I test positive I’m really going to feel worthless. Every time i think things are getting better they don’t. I’m able to meet guys but they usually are just interested in sex. I recently met a guy who I fancied but I ended up sleeping over his house and putting out on the first date, and now he switched up and is acting indifferent towards me. I know I have nobody to blame but myself. I’m not a sex addict or something the truth is being raped made me so jaded towards it it doesn’t mean sh*t to me now so I end up putting out because it’s difficult for me to say no.

I’m trying to better my life but it’s not working. I’m trying so hard to find a job, sending out 10+ applications a day, and I hardly even get interviews. I go to a therapist and take meds for depression and ADHD but apparently all that’s not working cause I’m still f*cking depressed all the time. I feel better when I talk to people but I feel like when I try to talk to people I’m just bothering them and it seems like I just want attention. The truth is my soul Is so hurt and i just want to be loved. I don’t want to hurt my mom and close friends but I honestly just want to die and I don’t know what to do. I feel like I need to go to the psych ward because this all has become too much, but I’m afraid I’ll freak out my family and I feel bad if they knew I was seriously suicidal. I just want to be happy again but I don’t know if that is even possible. Thanks for reading.

Does your family know you were raped?

Hey Sad... I am so sorry you are going through this, my virginity was taken by rape too... and it definitely f&^%ks a person up when that happens. In my case I didn't tell anyone, and let it fester for a decade, piling drug and alcohol abuse on top of it until my life was an absolute disaster.

Of course you are depressed! You had a very traumatic event happen to you and these sometimes take YEARS to get over... but you don't have to keep giving your power away by doing things that wreck your self-esteem. Take charge of your life and don't let that a$$hole do anymore damage... face your feelings about this situation... research PTSD or support groups for people that are going through similar things... I have a few different support groups for various things (including this one) and they have saved my sanity in so many ways. Give the therapy and the meds a chance to work... it takes awhile.

It is 100% possible to be happy again. You will never be the same... but you can be happy and have a full life.

In the meantime, if you are feeling suicidal, don't be afraid to talk about it... yes your family will be worried but that's because they love you and want to help.

Big Hugs to you. You have certainly had some saddening events. Please and in there. It will take time to get some answers and healing BUT YOU ARE WORTH IT. don't you believe otherwise. Not trying to trivialise your note recent experiences with men. But your responses were totally understandable, and you will find that many people are had sexual relationships they regret. You need to forgive yourself. That is so important. Please hang in there, and make use of your opportunities to talk to trustworthy, on-judgenental support people.

Are you in a support group? If not, you should call your local rape hotline and get into one. They can help you by hearing other women's stories and letting you know you're not alone. And you have other people to talk to who have gone through the same thing.

What you're experiencing is not unusual, in fact, it's fairly typical. It's called Rape Trauma Syndrome. It doesn't sound like your therapist is very helpful. You need professional help working on your post-traumatic stress. I would urge you to call the rape hotline and see if they can put you in touch with people who can help you. You don't deserve to feel this way. You're a victim and until you can break through this trauma, you're going to continue to be victimized by guys taking advantage of that. They can sense that you're looking to be loved and that's why you keep falling into that cycle over and over again.

You should read more about how to deal with your rape. Google has tons of articles. This one might start you in the right direction:

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/recovering-from-rape-and-sexual-trauma.htm

You're not worthless. You can beat this but it takes time and a lot of help. But you can do it.

Yes they do

Sweetheart,

Hep C can be cured these days . You are NOT worthless. What happened to you was NOT your fault. I too was raped at 13 and 19 and sexually assaulted at 6/7. You can recover and deal well with life. The therapy that helped me most is EMDR. If you are not in therapy please try to get into therapy and explore the possibility of EMDR. I am 1000 times better .

I can't promise this is the best advice but it's what comes to mind. Try seeking out shy guys. I'm a shy guy and I would never have sex within the first two weeks of dating. It's way to intimate to just do it. I did date a girl whose first love cheated on her and she has since cheated on every boyfriend since in order to beat them to the punch. She was my first love and I thought she changed. I was wrong and it only made my depression accelerate. A really good friend of mine was raped when she was five and has a hard time making good choices since. I'm glad you have been in therapy. Therapy might not make you "happy" but it is likely making your depression a little less sharp, which makes it worth it. I really hope you find peace each and everyday. I'm struggling to find at least 15 minutes of happiness a day. I usually wakeup and within 10 minutes I'm having an anxiety attack because nothing has changed since yesterday. You are not alone.