Very confused and in doubt 19-year-old

I’m a 19 year old girl. And for the past 2,5 years I have been in a very serious relationship with the sweetest, kindest guy (also 19). We were the type of couple to hit it off right away, and fall in love fast. Something that was vey unlike me. I have always been so shy and held back. But it’s been great. He’s been my first everything, and I love him. We have practically spent every weekend together since we started dating. Our parents get along, and everyone in my family adores him. We have even discussed the possibilities of a future together.

Over these almost three years I’ve changed a lot. I’m more outgoing and confident. I feel better about myself and have fallen in love with adventure and trying new things. I have also gotten multiple diagnosis’s, whereas depresion was one of them. He’s been with me through a time where I really needed someone. He met me after I got sick, so he has never known healthy me. And healthy me has never known him. I am getting better, and I find myself having doubts lately.

He has changed to, and I don’t know if he’s changed for the better. I still love him, and we have fun and enjoy spending time together. But I find myself irritated with him a lot. I wonder if I am still IN love with him, or if I iust love him.

To make matters even more complicated; there is thia guy who has been constantly flirting with me the past year. I have always just brushed him off, saying I have a boyfriend. And my boyfriend actualky finds it hikarious he won’t give up. This guy isn’t making things easier for me. I don’t actually want him, I think- but the idea of someone else and something new is ... intriguing. And I feel guilty for feeling this way.

Summer vacation has come, and my bf is going to work all summer. Which means little to no time for me. We already live half an hour apart, so it’s hard enough seeing each other. Now that we have reached the point where we are heading off to different universities in a few months, I have started to doubt myself more. I struggle to fall asleep at night because my mind is racing. Am I missing out? Have I held myself back because I was terrified of any type of social interaction? Will I regret ever having just kissed one guy? Ever having slept with one guy? Can I handle long distance with him, even with studying and being sick? Do I even want to try long distance? I am so confused. Am I a total b*tch for wondering what else is out there, what else I can experience? I don’t want to break his heart, and I know he wants to try long distance, but I don’t know if I can or should..

Is there anyone who have some advice as to how I am going to handle this? I have literally no experience with relationships, love or sex- so any and all would be helpful. Please. Pretty pretty please.

Hi hon,

First off you're in a time of transition which should be happening at your age. Your going to start at a University so the choices of guys are endless! You feeling that this guy you're with is a great guy but not a forever guy there is nothing wrong with that. He's your first love but not your last.

I think you have to be true to yourself and if you know it won't work, it won't work. I suggest you talk to your boyfriend about your concerns and if you do decide to end it let him down gently but still be firm so he respects your decisions.

Best of luck!

Lisa

Yeah, you're not the same person you were at 16 as you are now. Some of your likes and dislikes have changed. You've grown in maturity and experience. And what you're feeling is fairly typical. A lot of young women have written into ENA expressing the same feeling you have: that they may be missing out on something being with only one guy. In fact, your boyfriend may be feeling the same thing. And when he gets to university, he may date other girls while away from you. What usually happens is one of you will write the other and say they've found someone else.

Since it's so inevitable, I say just let things happen. Spend the summer with your boyfriend and then go to university where you will meet a new group of people to hang out with. Don't be afraid to go out with dates and don't feel guilty about what happens. You don't need to have "The Talk" now about dating other people, but see what's out there and don't be afraid to experience it. I'm sure he will be doing the same thing. Just see what happens. Reassess your relationship at Christmas break and again at the end of the school year.

My wife and I were like you and your bf. Each other’s first and only. She went to college and I went into the military. Still together 30 years later.

We were faithful to one another. We were 17 and 18 when we meet. What will you do when your married one day and another guy starts paying you attention? You are getting aggravated at your bf for not taking the other guy seriously. At the same time you haven’t told the player to get the f out of your life, why? The player is playing the long game, he is trying to wear you down until you just give in. He wants you to be his for the night and another notch in his belt.

Do what you want but never lose yourself respect. Never let yourself be used just so a guy can claim you as a trophy.

You sound just like my parents. Who I used to look up to and admire so much. Until they very abruptly got a divorce after being together for 34 years.

I actually find it very romantic to be someone’s one and only. But I also see it as a little bit unrealistic.

Thanks for the advice!

Your relationship has runs its course, and it's time to let him go.

My wife and I were like you and your bf. Each other’s first and only. She went to college and I went into the military. Still together 30 years later.

 

We were faithful to one another. We were 17 and 18 when we meet. What will you do when your married one day and another guy starts paying you attention? You are getting aggravated at your bf for not taking the other guy seriously. At the same time you haven’t told the player to get the f out of your life, why? The player is playing the long game, he is trying to wear you down until you just give in. He wants you to be his for the night and another notch in his belt.

 

Do what you want but never lose yourself respect. Never let yourself be used just so a guy can claim you as a trophy.

With all due respect I think this quite rigid analogy of a relationship that began over 30 years ago is a little out of context with the OP's current dilemma. You're asking her to reflect on a hypothetical marriage scenario which may or may not occur in years down the line - she's 19 for God's sake! And how can you glean so much information about this other guy with such a brief description of him? No where has the OP given any indication that she is planning to hop into bed with this other guy. She sounds like a very respectable young lady who is sensibly trying to figure out the best course of action with regards to the next phase of her life, notches in belts don't enter into it.

That said OP, is it possible that your parents divorce has contributed to your depression and anxiety over committing to a LTR? I have friends who got together at your age and stayed together but many who did not. There's no point in comparing yourselves to any other couple, be it your parents or anyone else. The dynamics of your relationship are to do with who you both are as individuals, no one else. So just make sure your decision is based on what YOU feel and not based on what has happened to others. It is perfectly natural and normal for you to want to explore more of yourself and other people at this juncture of your life. You may well hurt him if you end it but he will get over it, as will you. And you may well suffer a little heartbreak later on yourself, it's all part of growing up and the functions of how we develop and grow as individuals.

I totally agree with DanZee. Try not to worry so much, and don't feel guilty. These are all perfectly normal feelings. Don't worry about your family liking him and all that kind of stuff either, they'll get over it too! Just go to uni, live your life to the fullest and just let nature take its course. What will be, will be. Stay strong and love life :)

A few things --- he is getting a job this summer and you think "he won't have enough time for me!" - are YOU getting a job to set aside money for school in the fall? Or are you hanging out with your friends and counting the hours until he sees you again? Maybe taking a break once you go to school might be an idea - for the fact that you never dated other people - not that you have to date other people - but you are worried about a future if he is the only guy that you have ever been on a date with, etc. ''

If you were a 39 year old woman, then I'd bring up commitment issues, etc, but at 19 -- i don't think you need to kiss every guy or "date around" - but you need to focus on your own future and figure out who you are as a person. The boyfriend (or any boyfriend) is secondary. you might find that being at a separate school is all the space you need to figure this all out and when he doesn't see you for a few weeks at a time, you are growing enough on your own to know that he is who you want. Or not. Who you are at 22 is going to be different than who you are now. Will you both fit together at 22? maybe you will and really want to marry eachother. maybe you won't - i can't say

For one you are 19 and your feelings are totally natural. I want to point out though, about the part that you are feeling more confident and he has never known the healthy you. There are people that thrive on taking care of someone and relying on that person to be “sick”. Once you started getting healthy it sounds like he doesn’t know how to deal with this, he thrives on being the hero that is there to be needed by you. You are starting not to need this from him. Which is a sign he is only holding you back from growing, in my opinion. You are growing up and growing stronger as a person, which isn’t beneficial to him. Thrive in that growth and if he can’t be happy and support you, then you need to consider your options and what is truly healthy for your well being.