Should I cancel the date

So I swiped and started talking to this guy on a dating app. He asked me out after a few days and I said yes. His pictures on the app made him look real cute. But of course everyone likes to look their best on there.

I found his Facebook. I like to make sure people are who they say they are before meeting. Safety and all.

His pictures on Facebook were recent and he looks like a real nerd. Not cute to me at all.

I don't know if I should cancel the date. My friends keep saying to still go. But I do not want to lead someone on, and have them meet me for nothing.

What should I do?

Cancel it or don't, but please don't ghost the lad. He will get over not meeting you, and you don't need to feel guilty if you do it in a polite way.

Yeah, I would say go. I do agree that looks have a lot to do with our attraction to other people, but I wasn't physically attracted to my wife at first. I was won over by her smartness, her kindness, and her potential.

Anyways, I would suggest you just meet over coffee or maybe a light snack. Keep it short. You'll probably know within the first few minutes whether you want to be friends with him or not. With online dating, you really need to meet as many people as possible. Anyways, it's good experience.

Even pics on FB can be unflattering /deceiving too. I'm with your friends, just go. I believe if the guy has the confidence to ask you out after a couple of days of chatting....it's winning. Going on a first date isn't leading them on...telling them you will go on a second date because you were put on the spot is.

I disagree with others, I think you should cancel.

Only because you've already made up your mind he's a nerd, not your type and you won't like him.

Guy doesn't have a chance in hell with a mindset like that.

are you sure that is the same guy (common name?)

I agree with Katrina that he doesn't have any chance. You already have your mind made up.

Some people don't photograph well --- his friend who understood how to take pics could have taken his dating pics and his facebook pics could have been bad angles.

So go or cancel. I think that going for coffee midday would not be bad to do - he could be attractive in person.

What does "a real nerd" mean? Like Dragon Ball Z posters in the background? Or are you using it as a pejorative to infer he's out of shape, unkept, etc.? I mean, I play video games pretty regularly and keep up with the scientific / medical literature (thanks to my fiancee's access). I'd consider that fairly "nerdy." But if you mean his physical characteristics turn you off when previously being attracted to his dating site pictures was pretty much the only reason you were going to go on a date with him, then I'd say do him the courtesy of canceling the date.

And even if you do mean "nerdy" as in his interests, at the end of the day, it took all of a facebook skim and not knowing him at all for you to feel disrespect for him. Why waste his or your time?

JMO but at this point, I don't think ANY man stands a chance with OP. She will always find something wrong, no matter how ridiculous it may seem to us.

Reason being, per her last thread, she's still hung up on "work guy;" until she works that out, no man will ever stand a chance with her.

Am I wrong about that amkxoxo?

You don't have to answer us, just be honest and explore within yourself.

Take steps to figure out why you're unable to move past that.

Agree. However keep in mind you'll never get to a second date no less a relationship if you never get to the first meet.

Cancel it or don't, but please don't ghost the lad.

Well, what he needs to do is send you a multitude of flirty texts but never actually ask for or follow through with a date. THAT would get your attention!

Seriously though, you don't like him because he's not "work guy". So yeah, cancel.

Unfortunately at this time I am unable to afford going back to my counselor. I would love to, but financially its too expensive.

I still like work guy so much. We spoke the other day and I just haven't been able to get him out of my head. I want him.

When I said nerdy, I meant his appearance. In his photos on the app he had on nice clothes, hair was kept, looked okay. On facebook he had glasses in every photo, a very nerdy smile, crazy hair and he just looked nerdy in appearance. I really don't care if a guy plays video games, or likes nerdy things as long as we get along and I am attracted to them. This guy seemed nerdy in appearance and I was unsure if we were wasting each others time going out.

I think I keep trying so hard to date, thinking me going out with men will make me forget work guy, but its almost making it worse, because all the men I meeting are not as good as he'll ever be, and its making me miss him and want him more. He is such a catch, compared to these men I am talking to. I keep forcing myself thinking it will help me move on, but it is not working.

I'm down on myself too. I've been struggling with weight, my skin, my appearance, but my life is going so well. I have job opportunities and I have a good set of core friends and I am happy overall. I feel like work guy is the missing piece in my life. Romance in general is my missing link. Has been for a while. I just want it to be the right person. Not just someone to fill a void.

A real nerd?

So in one view he’s cute and he’s not cute in another?

I’m sure you look cute ALLLLLL the time too OP.

But agreed with others. If you were anyone else, I’d say go. But this poor guy doesn’t stand a chance with you.

Unfortunately at this time I am unable to afford going back to my counselor. I would love to, but financially its too expensive.

Counseling is NOT the only way to resolve your issues.

I still like work guy so much. We spoke the other day and I just haven't been able to get him out of my head. I want him.

 

I think it's clear you want ONLY the men who don't want you.

Please take steps to understand why that is, otherwise you will forever be chasing the unattainable leaving you frustrated, unhappy and lonely.

Cancel the date, and tell him he's not cute and looks nerdy, therefore it's a no go...

Don't waste this guy's time, OP.

Yeah, I would say go ... With online dating, you really need to meet as many people as possible.

I take back my original answer. I thought it was a harmless, standalone question that came out of thin air. I didn't research your whole history of relationships and online dates over such a simple question. I should have known better. I don't think it's worth your energy.

Seriously, if you tend to judge people based on their looks, let them go on to find someone who appreciates the whole package.

Personally, because you already agreed to go out with him I would honour that and meet him. Appearances can deceive, so why not get to know him first and then make a more informed decision?

Go for a quick coffee and meetup. You'd be able to tell if he's a nerd by the first sip. Then at least by the end of the coffee you can get up and go. But maybe just give in to your better judgement and take a risk.

Okay if you can't afford a counselor, stop paying for dating sites and apps and don't go on dates which cost money to go on --- just stop meeting new men - hide your dating profiles and commit to counseling.

Maybe you need to really be seriously hurt by "work guy" before you will wake up...maybe? Or you can decide to take him for what he is --- not serious, not someone who really wants to date you.

If you read OP's history throughout the YEARS - it's very clear she is only able to feel attracted to men who either ignore her, are slow to respond, rarely if ever have time to spend with her, keep her guessing and are otherwise elusive, NOT available or just not interested.

I don't say this to mean or insensitive, but it's reality.

I don't think OP would deny it either, that's what makes this so sad - she KNOWS she has problems but is at a loss to do anything to resolve.

So will continue repeating until she becomes so exhausted by all of it, she gives up dating entirely.

If you read OP's history throughout the YEARS - it's very clear she is only able to feel attraction to a man when he either ignores her, is slow to respond, rarely if ever has time to spend with her, keeps her guessing and is otherwise elusive, NOT available or just not interested.

 

I don't say this to mean or insensitive, but it's reality.

 

I don't think OP would deny it either, that's what makes this so sad - she KNOWS she has problems but is at a loss to do anything to resolve.

 

So will continue repeating until she becomes so exhausted by all of it, she gives up dating entirely.

I agree --- my first response was because i didn't connect the dots on the OP's name. Yup. you are correct

What does "a real nerd" mean? Like Dragon Ball Z posters in the background? Or are you using it as a pejorative to infer he's out of shape, unkept, etc.? I mean, I play video games pretty regularly and keep up with the scientific / medical literature (thanks to my fiancee's access). I'd consider that fairly "nerdy." But if you mean his physical characteristics turn you off when previously being attracted to his dating site pictures was pretty much the only reason you were going to go on a date with him, then I'd say do him the courtesy of canceling the date.

 

And even if you do mean "nerdy" as in his interests, at the end of the day, it took all of a facebook skim and not knowing him at all for you to feel disrespect for him. Why waste his or your time?

I say why waste his.

JMO but at this point, I don't think ANY man stands a chance with OP. She will always find something wrong, no matter how ridiculous it may seem to us.

 

Reason being, per her last thread, she's still hung up on "work guy;" until she works that out, no man will ever stand a chance with her.

 

Am I wrong about that amkxoxo?

 

You don't have to answer us, just be honest and explore within yourself.

 

Take steps to figure out why you're unable to move past that.

Well, what he needs to do is send you a multitude of flirty texts but never actually ask for or follow through with a date. THAT would get your attention!

 

Seriously though, you don't like him because he's not "work guy". So yeah, cancel.

Your "seriously though" makes it sound as if your first para weren't true, that you were being facetious, and I think, even the OP herself would admit, is very much true!

 

It's become too much of a pattern to NOT recognize that it's true.

 

And we've been encouraging OP to seek help to determine why that is for literally YEARS.

 

Sadly to no avail.

 

amkxoxo, not judging, I've had my share of issues in the past too (still do on some level) -- all we're saying is that this is "same ole/same ole" -- in your mind when is enough, enough?

 

Do you not think it's time for you to take this seriously and get some help either with the help of a qualified professional OR your own introspection -- reading, support groups and/or other resources?

 

Aren't you exhausted from all this? Serious question.

If you read OP's history throughout the YEARS - it's very clear she is only able to feel attracted to men who either ignore her, are slow to respond, rarely if ever have time to spend with her, keep her guessing and are otherwise elusive, NOT available or just not interested.

 

I don't say this to mean or insensitive, but it's reality.

 

I don't think OP would deny it either, that's what makes this so sad - she KNOWS she has problems but is at a loss to do anything to resolve.

 

So will continue repeating until she becomes so exhausted by all of it, she gives up dating entirely.

Agree with all of these. I think I originally thought dating would do you good but honey you're gonna end up finding a guy who's going to abuse you and you will stay because you will think its love. If you cant afford a therapist at the very least read some self help books.

This can be fixed, its going to take some work on your part though.

OP

Of course no guy is going to look good compared to the fantasy you've built up of 'work guy'. I feel you're living in a dream world where you build up the guys you can't have so you can't really have them? It's a way of preserving yourself to keep from getting close and hurt.

Once you figure out why you put up barriers so you can judge any guy that wants you over small things. I suggest you take a break from dating.

You're just going to keep going in circles if you don't. Find what makes you happy and what you want out of your life.