Surviving first holiday's without my ex

It's been 6 weeks since we broke up. Yesterday was my first holiday without my ex. It was hard. I was flooded with memories from last year's 4th of July. I had no plans. Everyone I had asked what there plans were didn't have any. I did go out shopping in the day with my daughter which helped. She went to her dad's (not the ex I am referring to) so I stayed home with my dogs. This day last year we were leaving on our road trip. It was a great trip, one of the best I have ever had. A year ago his brother deactivated his instagram account. Of all days his brother picked yesterday to reactivate it and I only found out by scrolling through my feed and seeing his first post in a year which was their entire family doing what we did last year except he had his new gf there. The one he emotionally cheated on me with and left me for. In my spot. Although it is not my spot anymore. But they were my family too. Our families were very intertwined. I miss them. Especially his daughter and nieces. I have since un-followed his brother but it doesn't erase the image burned into my head. I have been through so much with this man. I won't go on and on about the entire relationship we had but it was about 5 years and involved many factors some people don't face (injury, him becoming disabled, etc). I stuck by his side though everything and he just replaced me. Used me until something better came along. Talking about marrying me while emotionally involved with her and never telling me he was having any issues with our relationship. Lied to me said things were great.

Anyway I guess I need help letting go. I know I have to. We are not in any contact. I have no desire to be. My brain is right there telling me it's over. My heart is screaming at me about how much I love him despite these awful things. How does one "let go" when your brain and heart don't agree? I am in counseling by the way but it just started and my appointment is not until the end of the month but I am on a cancellation list. I thought I was doing better. Then with the holiday and seeing them I broke again. I just want to feel nothing anymore. I dread the weekends and now the holidays. I don't want to live in dread. I want to be happy again. How do you all get through the holidays and reminder times?

One day at a time...the first year does suck but trust they get easier. Eventually he will be just a memory, like your daughters dad..you don’t feel anything for him anymore, that’s whatll happen with your current ex. It just takes time. Good job on unfollowing and staying NC, that’s a huge step in the right direction.

Stay busy, I hit the gym after my breakup and would do an hour of cardio just to sweat, and would always feel better after. Hang in there :)

Can relate to your feelings luv the sun - it must of been so hard to have seen that - take steps to never see more like it.

Take care of yourself as best as you can - the pain is terrible I know. Just know it is not a reflection on who you are.

A lot of us are right there with you. Yesterday was definitely tough. I'm about 8 weeks into the breakup so I definitely feel you. Remember grief isn't linear. You're going to have your ups and downs. Your body is going through a withdrawal process and you're going to have to ride it out. Nothing will remove the pain but time. However, there are things you can do to make it go by more quickly. These are tried and true and I can personally attest to them as many others:

-For the love of all that's good and holy...remain NC

-Proper Exercise/Diet/Sleep

-Reading Self-help books

-Go out with family and friends and make new friends. Have an active social life

-Volunteer

-Get a new look

-Give your living space a new look

-Therapy (which you already have covered). You may have to shop around a bit until you find one that you find helpful. Don't settle on the first person just because

-Meds if needed

-Engage in old and new hobbies

-Plan and go on a trip

-Write a letter to him (but don't send it). Burn it or toss it

-Journal. Focus on things you're grateful for. Write down your negative thoughts and try to counter them

-Meditate (doesn't work for me but helps others)

-Most important, BE KIND TO YOURSELF. This is normal. All of us have or are going through the same thing. Almost everyone has gone through this through the dawn of time and we all have survived. You will get over him and like KBB said, he will eventually be a memory. The worst breakup I ever had was 6 years ago and it absolutely destroyed my life. I couldn't imagine living life without her. Now I barely remember what she looks like. She's married I think and I could care less. But I am going through the same thing with the current ex. I can't imagine living life without her but I know it will pass. Emotions are temporary...

Hang in there. We are all here for you. Write as often as you need.

A lot of us are right there with you. Yesterday was definitely tough. I'm about 8 weeks into the breakup so I definitely feel you. Remember grief isn't linear. You're going to have your ups and downs. Your body is going through a withdrawal process and you're going to have to ride it out. Nothing will remove the pain but time. However, there are things you can do to make it go by more quickly. These are tried and true and I can personally attest to them as many others:

 

-For the love of all that's good and holy...remain NC

-Proper Exercise/Diet/Sleep

-Reading Self-help books

-Go out with family and friends and make new friends. Have an active social life

-Volunteer

-Get a new look

-Give your living space a new look

-Therapy (which you already have covered). You may have to shop around a bit until you find one that you find helpful. Don't settle on the first person just because

-Meds if needed

-Engage in old and new hobbies

-Plan and go on a trip

-Write a letter to him (but don't send it). Burn it or toss it

-Journal. Focus on things you're grateful for. Write down your negative thoughts and try to counter them

-Meditate (doesn't work for me but helps others)

-Most important, BE KIND TO YOURSELF. This is normal. All of us have or are going through the same thing. Almost everyone has gone through this through the dawn of time and we all have survived. You will get over him and like KBB said, he will eventually be a memory. The worst breakup I ever had was 6 years ago and it absolutely destroyed my life. I couldn't imagine living life without her. Now I barely remember what she looks like. She's married I think and I could care less. But I am going through the same thing with the current ex. I can't imagine living life without her but I know it will pass. Emotions are temporary...

 

Hang in there. We are all here for you. Write as often as you need.

Thank you for that I don't have much of a support system so these forums help. Thank you for these tips. I have done some of them but not all of them. I am glad this is the first time I have not wanted to contact him or have anything to do with him. So I plan on never ever breaking it. One of the hard tips you suggested is meeting new friends. I don't have very many as it is and those ones are always so busy with their families. I tried to look up events around me social clubs etc and the closest ones are about 1.5 hours away which with working full time makes it so difficult to go that amount of distance.

I am sorry you are going through this too. How long did it take you to get over your first breakup the one you said was the worst if you don't mind me asking? Your right it seems like I can't live without her. I was without him for almost 2 years due to accident and first breakup (zero contact as well) and never got over him. I absolutely hate being depressed over him when he could care less about me. He doesn't deserve this much space in my mind yet he takes up the most room. But you are right I barely give my ex-husband a thought it was so long ago. Again though it took me about 5 years to get over him and what he had done to me. We had a 10 year relationship though. It took half that time to get over it. I really hope it doesn't take me 2.5 years to get over my ex-bf. Plus my feelings were so different and deeper due to it being an adult relationship versus HS sweethearts with my ex-husband. Thank goodness the next major holiday isn't until Thanksgiving so it buys me some time.

One day at a time...the first year does suck but trust they get easier. Eventually he will be just a memory, like your daughters dad..you don’t feel anything for him anymore, that’s whatll happen with your current ex. It just takes time. Good job on unfollowing and staying NC, that’s a huge step in the right direction.

Stay busy, I hit the gym after my breakup and would do an hour of cardio just to sweat, and would always feel better after. Hang in there :)

Yes I am hoping for that this time, just a memory. I guess I worry I won't ever get over him because we were apart for 2 years due to accident and first break-up and I never got over him and we ended up together.

Can relate to your feelings luv the sun - it must of been so hard to have seen that - take steps to never see more like it.

 

Take care of yourself as best as you can - the pain is terrible I know. Just know it is not a reflection on who you are.

Thank you yes it was hard to see. I keep trying to remind myself even if things were bad and I didn't know about it, he had no right to emotionally get involved with someone else and set-up his new relationship before ending ours. I feel he should have respected me and our relationship (and our kids who were involved) enough to end things first. It's not a reflection of me. I need to remember that when the mean things he said the day he ended it creep in my mind.

One thing that helped me was staying super-busy. I made an effort to look into any course, Meetups, club, volunteering, etc...I could to meet new friends (not dates) to move on. Not only did this enhance my life, but it also gave me a lot of new friends.

I know it's hard, but it is time to be proactive and make your life more full. Also, start organizing with your friends. There is no reason you could not have done something yesterday.

 

I know it's hard, but it is time to be proactive and make your life more full. Also, start organizing with your friends. There is no reason you could not have done something yesterday.

That is one thing that is difficult because I only have a couple friends. It has always been that way. When I got divorced it was like everyone disappeared. They all have families and tend to stick together. I asked them all and no one wanted to do anything so I didn't. I am looking in my area for things that you suggested. I think I am going to go the volunteering route it seems to be what is available in my area. I don't live in a big area so a lot of the clubs and meet-ups are 1-2 hours away. I could do them once in a while but with work it makes it difficult to get to them on time.

I think I am so tired all the time as well the effort to just go to work and come home and take care of my daughter is draining in itself along with not sleeping well. Tiredness probably adds to my emotional sadness and anger (it waivers back and forth). Let's face it. No one wants to be around someone like that.

That is one thing that is difficult because I only have a couple friends. It has always been that way. When I got divorced it was like everyone disappeared. They all have families and tend to stick together. I asked them all and no one wanted to do anything so I didn't. I am looking in my area for things that you suggested. I think I am going to go the volunteering route it seems to be what is available in my area. I don't live in a big area so a lot of the clubs and meet-ups are 1-2 hours away. I could do them once in a while but with work it makes it difficult to get to them on time.

 

I think I am so tired all the time as well the effort to just go to work and come home and take care of my daughter is draining in itself along with not sleeping well. Tiredness probably adds to my emotional sadness and anger (it waivers back and forth). Let's face it. No one wants to be around someone like that.

Is moving an option?

That is one thing that is difficult because I only have a couple friends. It has always been that way. When I got divorced it was like everyone disappeared. They all have families and tend to stick together. I asked them all and no one wanted to do anything so I didn't. I am looking in my area for things that you suggested. I think I am going to go the volunteering route it seems to be what is available in my area. I don't live in a big area so a lot of the clubs and meet-ups are 1-2 hours away. I could do them once in a while but with work it makes it difficult to get to them on time.

 

I think I am so tired all the time as well the effort to just go to work and come home and take care of my daughter is draining in itself along with not sleeping well. Tiredness probably adds to my emotional sadness and anger (it waivers back and forth). Let's face it. No one wants to be around someone like that.

How old is your daughter? Are there activities that you can do together? Are there any hikiking clubs, arts and crafts stuff etc....

Is moving an option?

Unfortunately no due to shared custody of my daughter.

How old is your daughter? Are there activities that you can do together? Are there any hikiking clubs, arts and crafts stuff etc....

She is 11. Yes we actually do a lot of things together. I have been trying to get her try new things with me and even take her friends as well. We have some plans already for the summer. It's when she is with her dad, that is the time I need to fill up with things to occupy my mind. It is exhausting and drives me absolutely crazy that he takes up so much space in my mind when I know he doesn't give a crap about me. I want to not care anymore. Talking seems to help me though.

Are there other single mothers? Start organizing outings. So many fun things in the summer. You must incorporate others into your life. Time to make new friends and be more social.

Are there other single mothers? Start organizing outings. So many fun things in the summer. You must incorporate others into your life. Time to make new friends and be more social.

I am sure there are other single mothers, where I have no idea though. I am pretty involved in my daughters school but the mothers I do know are not single. I wouldn't even know where to look. I just googled some different options for groups and things in my area but nothing came up. My daughter and I have been going to church but so far there are no family groups at our church. And get this. I am too old for the young adult group. That hit me hard and made me feel old, lol.

In all honesty, I have always been a homebody. I have always been kind of a loner. It is not a good trait when you have a heartbreak though. Most of the time, I am more of a quiet person and when I meet new people, I listen more than I talk so I can get to know people and become more comfortable opening up. I am finding it often works against me because people think I am stuck-up. I am not, it is just who I am. But the older I get, the more I realize I need to change that. I think that is one attraction to my ex. He was a homebody as well and we were not the going out social type of couple. We did things with our family and kids and each other. His friends all abandoned him when he got hurt. That is why the fact he overlapped me wasn't a surprise. He can't be alone. Anyway about me, I plan on discussing my closed up homebody tendencies with a counselor when I finally get to go. I am just looking for some sort of relief to get my brain to shut off.

I met many friends through volunteering.