Sticking to boundaries - ( Journal Thread )

Day 4 - (Still Raw)

So yesterday was ok. Not terrible just ok. Helped my uncles kids light fireworks, etc. I couldn’t help but wish they were my own kids. O well. I had fun, kept it together, NC iniated by either side. I have my ex blocked on everything except email. Email is the only avenue of communication between us. It’s for emergencies and to notify me when the kids need something. I’m always very prompt to get the kids what they need.

As another poster said, this time and space to heal is much needed. It’s not forever. I just need to get my head together. I’m doing more harm than good.

I’m excited about the future. Finding someone new and putting this toxic relationship behind me so I can be the best dad to my kids! I’m also looking forward to the day when this hurt and confusion I feel is all over!

I’ll be journaling twice a day for now on everyday. I’m curious to see my progression through this healing process!

Well, I guess I’ll get back to work!

Have a great day everyone:)

Red88

Conclusion to Day 4 NC- ( Still Raw )

Today was ok. Nothing spectacular, but manageable. I have immersed myself into work. I stay longer. I work harder. I pace myself. I know nobody is waiting for me at home who wants to see me, so I pace myself. I’m salary so it’s ok. I enjoy the people I work with and they don’t go home until I do. It’s just that way. I’m no higher up in the company. It’s just how the industry works. Also another good thing about my job is I can work out while still being at work. As many wise people tell you, let exercise be your medicine or escape. Just take all your emotion, all your anger, whatever you’re feeling, out through exercise. Huge benefit. I think it also helps tremendously with speed of healing. But that’s what everyone says so do what you want but I’m telling you it works. Who cares what you look like ( although looking good makes you feel good/confident ).

Today? Not so bad. Sure thoughts of her meeting someone new seems to stab at me the hardest. Guess what. I don’t care anymore. Yep. Don’t care. I made all the mistakes this past 6 or 7 months. All of them. I’m hard headed and used to getting what I want, so when I’m told I’m can’t have something...I want it even more. Usually I get it BUT not when it comes to another human being. That’s something I’ve had to learn. And boy does it hurt. BUT here’s the best thing about that. It can’t be bought, it can’t be pleaded with...it can’t be begged. It can only say one word to you and that’s all that matters and that is....no. That’s it, just like that. It’s over. You won’t be able to get it. In that, I find a sense of humbleness. I feel like no matter how invincible you are, you are never gonna win against someone who does not love you. Period. It’s over. But here’s the good thing. After being defeated, you still haven’t lost the war. That is just one battle. When you truly win the war is when you become happy. Win or lose , dumper or dumpee, you still have a choice. I’m my opinion it’s a win/win. You start working on winning today or you drag it out 10yrs from now. Regardless you’re gonna win. You know why. Time. Time is on your side. So decide how quickly you wanna win.

And another thing. Where I live...mosquitos are bad. Wait wait wait lol I’m going somewhere with this. So an ex is similar to a mosquito. You can watch it land, suck the blood than fly off. It’s gonna leave a welp. It can do it over and over again till it’s fat with so much blood that it doesn’t need anymore. Then when it’s hungry for more it’ll fly back, get what it needs, leave a welp, then it’s gone. How long are you gonna watch it get what it needs. How long are you gonna keep letting it land, get what it wants, leave its welp, then go on till it eventually needs more. Getting over an ex is similar to letting a mosquito bite you over and over again. Eventually you have to squash it. Kill it. It’s done. It can’t hurt you, at least till another mosquito (girl/guy) comes along and hopefully by that time you have some off on or something to repel it lol :) Or it could possibly be s beautiful butterfly that lands on your shoulder? Who knows. All I’m saying is know the difference.

Sent my son a birthday card with $50 in it. He will be ecstatic. I’m sure he’ll spend it in one day but oh well :) At least I know that no matter what, at that moment, he’ll be happy .

Ready to start day 5 NC. 5 days ! Milestone for me :) Email still open as the only avenue for communication ( I have kids with ex ) or it would be full NC. She is seeing who’ll break first, guaranteed it won’t be me :) I’ll update journal in morning. Goodnight ya’ll.

Stay strong. Have discipline. And know you’ll be happy soon.

Red88

I am glad you're feeling a little better, OP.

Do you two have a legal child custody/visitation agreement in place? If not, you need to contact a lawyer. Get it in writing with the court's approval.

Right now, visitation and financials have been the only thing we can we can agree. She doesn’t keep my kids from me nor has she ever threatened this. She’ll email me when the kids need something. Food, diapers, etc.

I’d like to remain civil on the issues rather than the courts sticking there nose in it.

Red88

Right now, visitation and financials have been the only thing we can we can agree. She doesn’t keep my kids from me nor has she ever threatened this. She’ll email me when the kids need something. Food, diapers, etc.

 

I’d like to remain civil on the issues rather than the courts sticking there nose in it.

 

Red88

Long term, i hope you two will develop a plan such that she needn't contact you when the kids need things. That will wear on you both, and money is the tool that keeps boundaries strong.

I guess property settlement is what you've got left... good luck with the payouts etc. Its awful. As you say, it does get better.

Long term, i hope you two will develop a plan such that she needn't contact you when the kids need things. That will wear on you both, and money is the tool that keeps boundaries strong.

 

I guess property settlement is what you've got left... good luck with the payouts etc. Its awful. As you say, it does get better.

What do you mean by this below?

“Money is the tool that keeps boundaries strong”.

Day- 5 ( Getting better )

Still NC from her. Good! Email still only avenue to communicate.

Today I feel better. My mind is so busy I hardly have time to think about it. Thoughts still creep in, they sting, then disappear.

Back to work

Red88

It's best to have a court order. It has nothing to do with your feelings for her. If there's a court order it has to be enforced, even if one or the other of you gets involved with someone else and the status quo changes.

For example, one of my family members was fine with giving his ex enough to cover what the kids needed. But when he got engaged to someone else, suddenly his ex started wanting more money (due to jealousy). A court order ensures that no one can "use" the kids for petty revenge or jealousy. Plus, it protects you. If she ever tried to claim you never paid her anything, where would your proof be? And yeah, you think now that would never happen, but every other person who got dragged into that kind of mess thought so too.

I highly recommend a legal visitation and child support agreement.

And try not to search your email several times a day for communications from her. That would keep you stuck to her.

It's best to have a court order. It has nothing to do with your feelings for her. If there's a court order it has to be enforced, even if one or the other of you gets involved with someone else and the status quo changes.

 

For example, one of my family members was fine with giving his ex enough to cover what the kids needed. But when he got engaged to someone else, suddenly his ex started wanting more money (due to jealousy). A court order ensures that no one can "use" the kids for petty revenge or jealousy. Plus, it protects you. If she ever tried to claim you never paid her anything, where would your proof be? And yeah, you think now that would never happen, but every other person who got dragged into that kind of mess thought so too.

 

I highly recommend a legal visitation and child support agreement.

 

And try not to search your email several times a day for communications from her. That would keep you stuck to her.

Thank you Boltnrun. I can see everything you say happening. She would be pist if she heard I moved on and was happy. She is heavily jealous. Jeez. Getting past all this is gonna be messy. It’ll happen in stages as time goes on. I’ll just keep moving forward. One day all the dust will settle.

I do and don’t look heavily. I mean yea when I pick my personal phone up after using my work phone for most the day, I’m not gonna lie, I do look for an email from her. Or when I receive an email I look to see if it’s her. But I’m not overly concerned. Like checking it constantly or hoping I do get one. I appreciate these days of total NC. I prefer it because I feel I’m getting stronger everyday. I would never Initiate contact unless an unthought of reason mainly a REAL emergency happened. Heaven forbid that ever be the case!

I hope she would never stoop so low to tell a judge I haven’t given her anything. Wow. I mean I have receipts but not for everything.

Staying positive and not letting anything get me down.

Red88

"Hope" will get you nowhere in a court of law.

Why would you NOT get a legal visitation and support agreement? Are you afraid of making her mad?

It's for your protection but also and most importantly, it's for the kids. They come first, before your "feelings" and before hers.

"Hope" will get you nowhere in a court of law.

 

Why would you NOT get a legal visitation and support agreement? Are you afraid of making her mad?

 

It's for your protection but also and most importantly, it's for the kids. They come first, before your "feelings" and before hers.

You’re exactly right. I think after I get myself moved I’ll get the ball rolling on that. Right now I’m 8hrs away so trying to establish a visitation agreement wouldn’t make sense until I can solidify my living arrangement which will be only 1.5 hrs away from my kiddos when I move. I wanna base the visitation agreement on my new move.

Making her mad ? Maybe a little. She has a majority of control. And she loves this fact. I am a little worried about the whole legal side of things. Fear of the unknown i assume.

Is that a lawyer only thing or can we civilly agree without involving a tie and suit greedy lawyer. Also, how do they calculate child support?

Red88

You’re exactly right. I think after I get myself moved I’ll get the ball rolling on that. Right now I’m 8hrs away so trying to establish a visitation agreement wouldn’t make sense until I can solidify my living arrangement which will be only 1.5 hrs away from my kiddos when I move. I wanna base the visitation agreement on my new move.

 

Making her mad ? Maybe a little. She has a majority of control. And she loves this fact. I am a little worried about the whole legal side of things. Fear of the unknown i assume.

 

Is that a lawyer only thing or can we civilly agree without involving a tie and suit greedy lawyer. Also, how do they calculate child support?

 

Red88

I used a paralegal. The entire thing cost something like $300, which my ex and I split. That included the divorce filing, the support agreement and the custody/visitation agreements. Paralegals are qualified to file the correct paperwork and are much less expensive than a traditional attorney.

Child support calculations depend on where you live. Some places take into account status quo. For example, my brother was required to pay spousal support to his ex wife because she never worked during the marriage and they were married for 20 years. I declined spousal support because I have a lot of pride and I felt I could take care of myself. So my ex only paid child support for the kids. On the other hand, my friend got no spousal support at all because the judge didn't see why she couldn't just go get a job.

It will also depend on income and how much time each of you has physical possession of the kids (for example, in my divorce I had the kids 78% of the time and my ex had them 22% of the time). You can also determine who gets to claim the children as tax deductions. My brother and his ex switch off years. And things like holidays and vacations can also be included.

It's really best to do this legally. That way neither of you can make any kind of false claims against one another. I get that you are still in love with her and therefore think she is virtuous and would never, ever do something like this, but it happens every single day. Please protect the kids and yourself with a legal agreement signed by the both of you and filed with the court.

I used a paralegal. The entire thing cost something like $300, which my ex and I split. That included the divorce filing, the support agreement and the custody/visitation agreements. Paralegals are qualified to file the correct paperwork and are much less expensive than a traditional attorney.

 

Child support calculations depend on where you live. Some places take into account status quo. For example, my brother was required to pay spousal support to his ex wife because she never worked during the marriage and they were married for 20 years. I declined spousal support because I have a lot of pride and I felt I could take care of myself. So my ex only paid child support for the kids. On the other hand, my friend got no spousal support at all because the judge didn't see why she couldn't just go get a job.

 

It will also depend on income and how much time each of you has physical possession of the kids (for example, in my divorce I had the kids 78% of the time and my ex had them 22% of the time). You can also determine who gets to claim the children as tax deductions. My brother and his ex switch off years. And things like holidays and vacations can also be included.

 

It's really best to do this legally. That way neither of you can make any kind of false claims against one another. I get that you are still in love with her and therefore think she is virtuous and would never, ever do something like this, but it happens every single day. Please protect the kids and yourself with a legal agreement signed by the both of you and filed with the court.

Thank you BoltNrun for your advice on moving forward and protecting myself legally.

Red88

Day- 6 ( Still Raw ) Still NC

Well last night was kinda rough. I kept having stabbing thoughts in my mind. I kept seeing people happy together, hearing songs, etc. that gave me flashbacks to my ex and past relationship. This truly is an emotional roller coaster. It just hurts a lot. Ugh. I pushed through and stayed nc.

My cousin Z came to stay with me this weekend. It’s nice to have some company and be around someone who I know wants to be around me. No fighting. No arguing. He’s 18 so no relationship talk.

Well it’s a beautiful morning. I guess I’ll just sit here and drink my coffee. I may do something fun tonight. Still debating on that.

Have a good day everyone :)

Stay strong

Red88

What do you mean by this below?

 

“Money is the tool that keeps boundaries strong”.

If you two have your child support and visitation figured out so that it is regular and predictable, then it minimizes the number of times you two need to make incidental contact. This is very important, critical even. It is critical that you each achieve as much autonomy as possible.

Regular support payments prevent her from asking for everyday items like diapers; she gets to manage her household as an adult and you are freed from mundane interruptions.

Unbraiding yourselves from these everyday responsibilities is how boundaries are made and maintained, and setting up a regular and finite schedule of payments allows that to happen.

If you two have your child support and visitation figured out so that it is regular and predictable, then it minimizes the number of times you two need to make incidental contact. This is very important, critical even. It is critical that you each achieve as much autonomy as possible.

 

Regular support payments prevent her from asking for everyday items like diapers; she gets to manage her household as an adult and you are freed from mundane interruptions.

 

Unbraiding yourselves from these everyday responsibilities is how boundaries are made and maintained, and setting up a regular and finite schedule of payments allows that to happen.

This is SO true. In the early days of my divorce I was adamant there would be no court involvement. But not having child support and visitation set up just meant the potential to argue and I was not going to do that to myself. He was angry I did it at first but its really settled down now and works. Setting parameters helps.

This is SO true. In the early days of my divorce I was adamant there would be no court involvement. But not having child support and visitation set up just meant the potential to argue and I was not going to do that to myself. He was angry I did it at first but its really settled down now and works. Setting parameters helps.

Thank you for your reply and great advice.

Red88

Day- 7 ( Still Raw ) NC with email open for only means of communication.

So this weekend has its ups and downs. Remained NC. Stayed strong. It has been 1 full week since contact. I guess I’m heading down the right track. I’m hopeful anyway.

This afternoon she sent an email and at the end it said “no need to reply”. In my mind that’s great. She had let me know what my kids needed and specifically asked for no reply. Sounds good to me.

Anyways, nothing real exciting to speak of. Stabbing feeling of coulda, woulda, shouldas enter my mind. Feelings of failure enter my mind. Different scenarios of her meeting someone new. Just all sorts of feelings. O well. Hopefully they fade.

I’ll just stay strong and keep truckin in the direction I’m going. Can’t wait to be happy and out of this funk.

Have a good day everyone. Stay strong.

Red88

Day- 8 (Still Raw) NC - Email Only

So yea today isn’t so bad. I’m able to function and find myself not dwelling on it to much. Still, my thoughts sometime stab at me. Usually when I’m alone it starts to sink in. I make sure to feel them. I tell myself I’ll be ok and I’ll find someone new and compatible, although at this point it feels impossible.

Whenever I start spiraling I remind myself of the bad and it fizzles out. My ex was somewhat cruel after we split. So that helps me stay grounded. Still, it is a emotional and mental battle. I feels impossible to be happy again, but, I know I will.

I’m making a concentrated effort to beat this. In the past I was responsible for my own misery. Not anymore. Doing whatever it takes to put this behind me. To much time and energy has been spent trying to keep hope and recon door open. I’ve reached my breaking point.

I guess the most painful stabbing thought is her raising my kids with someone else. I have a baby in diapers so I sometimes wonder if he will learn to love me and not my replacement whenever that happens. THAT will definitely be my biggest hurdle in this battle :( Ugh o well. It’s a very uncomfortable feeling. I’m an overly sensitive and emotional person. Ah well.

Back to work.

Have a good day everyone. Stay strong.

Red88

Day- 9 NC- Email only (Still Raw)

Today by far was the worse day yet. Stabbing thoughts. Predicting scenarios that made my heart bleed. Totally shiz. Can’t believe I made it through the day. Work was tough. Made it though. It’s the only thing saving me and the distractions are much needed. Completely a f*cked up day. FUBAR

On the bright side Cub sent me a msg today that really heightened

my spirits. I’m thankful for Cubs advice in such a troubled time. I know he/she is going through a rough BU so to take the time out of Cubs day meant a lot. I’ll end by saying, Thank You Cub :)

Here’s to tomorrow 🍻

Red88

Did you break NC?

Did you break NC?

No I haven’t . Today is the 12th day of NC. Initiated by her twice. Once she said specifically no reply needed, and yesterday she sent an email stating her son (not mine) wanted to thank me over FaceTime that he appreciated the bday card and money. I know him well enough to know that he was not as much interested in telling thanks as she was to establishing communication. Whenever I get on FaceTime with her it makes me uncomfortable...why? I know she’s watching me regardless of my kids. It’s a game she plays to get her ego of or whatever.

Having said that, I do need to find a balance In speaking and FaceTime my kids vs FULL NC. I understand having kids that’s there’s a line and boundary that needs to be set. Yes I find her using the kids to manipulate a boundary I have set, well, uncomfortable to say the least. But that is MY problem, it’s my emotional attachment to her that gets in the way. How I wish I could go full on NC and be done. But in simply cant. So finding that balance has been challenging.

As I stated above..,12 days of NC. Is it ever easy....NO. Is it a good direction and mentality to adapt... I think so. Until visitation can be established (once I move) I don’t see the need to be overly communicative. I believe my kids love me, they know that, and minimal communication is not gonna affect that for the minimal amount of time it’ll take me to move closer.

Yes tonight being the 12th day of total NC while having kids with the ex is rather hard. But, I am still acting out of emotions. It’s to say the least, very challenging as to where to draw that line. It will get easier like i said when consistent visitation can be established.

Any thoughts ?

Red88

Day- 13 NC (only email)

Feeling that need to FaceTime my kids. It’s been almost 2 weeks since I last talked to them.

She’s reached out twice. Breadcrumbs.

Feeling ok :/

Red88

"I would like to Facetime with the kids on this date at this time. Can you please confirm that this will work? Also, I will be sending X amount of dollars each week for necessities, so no need for email requests. Thank you."

Day 15 NC. I feel pretty good, not to terribly bad. I think I’m on a high, so I expect a low coming. It’s been up and down.

I’m probably gonna have to reach out to establish a FaceTime date to see and speak to the kids.

Wishing I could go full NC, but I can’t and will not.

Stay strong everyone.

Red88