Girlfriend Accepting Nudes from Another Woman

So long story short my girlfriends bi-sexuality has been slowly trickling out. We have been together for 5 years, and honestly I do not anticipate anything wrong with our relationship overall. I feel pretty comfortable and would be extremely surprised if she did not as well.

At first talking dirty is what made me wonder, I usually would start the.... me her and another girl talk because I could tell it really turned my gf on and definitely turned me on.

Then this past year, I walked in on her watching female lesbian porn once. That was really the first time I realized she seriously has some female interest. Anymore, it seems she obsesses over fitness instagram female models... to where I joked "You are starting to act like a lesbian."

The good news for me is I have not noticed any lapse in our love life. She still has an extremely healthy sex drive, actually wears me out a bit. I do not feel like she is losing interest in me or anything.

Ironically, I got the feeling yesterday that all what not totally honest. She is on an app for friends called Bumble, and it does seem to be innocent enough. However, I had this sneaking suspicion that she was up to something. It did not take much prying, but she admitted quickly that a "Very hot" girl on there sent her nude pictures. My first instinct was "Oh heck yeah nice" because a 3some with her myself and another girl has been a fantasy for quite some time. My GF has me in her pictures and bio so she isn't hiding my involvement in her life. My girlfriend showed me all of this.

However, I thought about it a little bit, and in all honesty she was going behind my back privately accepting nudes from a girl and even sent a sexy (not nude) picture back. She showed me this with very little effort, but it did take effort it was not completely on her own merit. So although not really mad per say, I do feel a little disappointed. Would this not technically be considered cheating?

I'm not sure where to progress from here. We talked some tomorrow and I told her I was interested in indulging her fantasy with another girl if I was able to be involved... at the very least watching. I told her I am not ok with some secret hookup with some girl. I also told her that I am not at all interested in a man with her and I, so if that's a deal breaker count me out I am fine with just my awesome GF.

I am not even sure my gf has the confidence to even produce a threesome or hookup with another girl. I am wondering if this is likely just a phase, or if this is here basically admitting bisexual, or if this is something that should concern me past some sexual fantasy.

Well, a lot of girls watch porn and lesbian porn is certainly popular, if not more popular than hetero-porn. But it doesn't necessarily mean she's a lesbian or is bi. She may just be having fantasies about being with a woman much like you're having fantasies about you being in a threesome.

Bumble is a dating site, and it seems she's looking at the girls available there. Again, a lot of guys look at Tinder even when they're in relationships, so I'm not sure it means anything than her following her fantasies. Many times, women agree to threesomes just so they can indulge their lesbian fantasies.

I don't know. It's all a bit early on, and like you noted, it might just be a curiosity phase. I'm sure you watch regular porn as well as lesbian porn. Should we infer anything about you from doing this?

I would be concerned if she was actually cheating on you. But since your girlfriend has told you about her Bumble contact and showed you her pictures, I don't feel she's sneaking around behind your back having an affair.

At this point, I just think its innocent. Just be aware of it, but don't get angry or jealous about it. We all have fantasies and girls like to share secrets whereas guys tend to hide them. Just be cool and go with the flow.

I'll just put my flack jacket on here...

Personally, I wouldn't have a problem with this.

It seems you are the man in her life - she's not looking for another one. If you get all possessive and jealous about this, you might screw that up. By acting in an unattractive fashion.

So, you say she has a healthy sex drive, and may want to experiment with other women. And that you have stated the boundary (or at least you should) - so 'no' to other men.

I'm a bit of an old guy, plenty of miles under the belt etc, but I would tell her, "if you want to indulge that - with another woman - I'm cool with that - because I want our relationship to be happy, and I want you to be happy, so I'm going to let you play away a little with the ladies if that's what you need".

Now there are various possible outcomes- one is you get your fantasy because she meets some girlfriend who wants to include you in it.

Two, is down the track you and her split because she actually realizes she is gay. And if she is, she'll work that out at some point anyway.

They are the extremes, but I'll bet you a couple of bucks that if you try to stop her and control her she'll head towards #two, or maybe just find another man who can deal with it.

As Danzee says, go with the flow. Something very good for both of you may emerge from it.

I'll get my coat and scarper now ...

Have you agreed to be exclusive or are you into open relationships, threesomes, polyamory, etc.?

So long story short my girlfriends bi-sexuality has been slowly trickling out.

I’m a married bisexual woman. Some insight:

She is potentially a closet bisexual woman and you will need to be careful with how you word suggestions or pry into her personal life that she’s not ready to disclose with you. This means she isn’t going to outright tell you whether she is or not- and don’t force her to. The unfortunate stigma with bisexuality is that we are seen as swingers, bound to be cheaters because our partners can never satisfy our needs, and therefore we are untrustworthy to commit to a monogamous relationship. This is not entirely true, but general society has pinned that misconception on bisexual people. We have a more challenging time fitting in the LGBT community for that reason as well (I ended up leaving a college group club for that labeling shenanigans). Due to these misconceptions, it’s the reason why I still haven’t disclosed to my husband (after over a decade of being together) about my true sexual preference. My relationship goal was to esstentially be married and eventually start a family (which I cannot do with a female partner), but I can’t help being attracted to both men and women. It doesn’t mean I am going to run off and cheat.

As far as orgies/threesomes go... I strongly do not recommend bringing that up if you and her are seeking a highly committed relationship. It will not make your relationship stronger. I have personally known married couples had their marriages fall apart over orgies. Open marriages/ relationships is not for everyone.

Here’s the reality with kinks no matter what sexual preference you are: you will never 100% satisfy or fulfill all of your partner’s fantasies. That’s just what they merely are... fantasies, not a bucket list. Your job as a partner is to respect her for who she is and be a reliable support. If the sex life is doing well, you have no need to compete for more. Just keep an open communication. That’s it. That’s the key to having a healthy sexual relationship with your partner, by letting her what is/is not working. That’s how you build a strong intimate relationship.

Going back to your question on cheating... The lesbian porn watching is harmless as long as she is not neglecting sex with you. But her trading and accepting nudes with other women is cheating and is crossing the line no matter how “sexy” you might think it is. It’s not ok. Her behavior is showing lack of commitment to you, as your partner. I think you handled it well by letting her know that her actions are unacceptable, but I would seriously lay off on mentioning the threesome, unless she brings it up.

For other posters: there’s a Bumble feature called Bumble BFF to find friends. Marketed at women looking for female friendship.

 

They are the extremes, but I'll bet you a couple of bucks that if you try to stop her and control her she'll head towards #two, or maybe just find another man who can deal with it.

Not at all. I told her what I am ok with in this relationship with her and her fantasy or experimenting. I told her I am ok if she wants to indulge with another woman if I am involved in some capacity. What I told her I am not ok with is sneaking behind my back and doing something, because that is cheating. I told her I am disappointed in her accepting nudes and trading a scandalous picture back with another woman, but I appreciated that she told me and fessed up with barely any prying from me.... it's essentially like she wanted me to know, I don't feel like it's something she didn't ever want me to know about, but rather more something that she didn't know how to bring me into.

Have you agreed to be exclusive or are you into open relationships, threesomes, polyamory, etc.?

No we are very much exclusive, but recently as this came out we talked about possibly bringing another woman (nobody in mind at the moment) into the mix to try once or so and see how we/she likes it. I made it very clear I am perfectly ok never doing this, but if it's something she wanted to try I am ok with her and another woman if I am involved in some capacity. I also told her I am not open to another man, or anything further than this, so hopefully she continues to be up front with me about her desires/fantasy.

Sorry, if she is accepting nudes of other women from those women - she is cheating.

No we are very much exclusive, but recently as this came out we talked about possibly bringing another woman (nobody in mind at the moment) into the mix to try once or so and see how we/she likes it. I made it very clear I am perfectly ok never doing this, but if it's something she wanted to try I am ok with her and another woman if I am involved in some capacity. I also told her I am not open to another man, or anything further than this, so hopefully she continues to be up front with me about her desires/fantasy.

If you talked about that, you are a chump. Seriously. If she wants to be with another woman, you break up with her. Don't put up with the BS of "she has needs". She has decided to be in an exclusive relationship with you.

You are talking as if she is giving me an ultimatum. I have had fantasies of other women, I am sure all women fantasize about other men. In this case my girlfriend fantasizes about another woman as well.

She is 100% ok never indulging that, she is 100% fine being with me. I do not at all think being bi-curious and wanting to try it once to see how it is with me involved no less, is doing anything wrong. We are on the same page as being ok with both sharing another woman

First to the OP, I can't say either way whether accepting nudes of other women is "cheating" since she was open and honest with you about it. To me cheating is "deceit" and I don't see any of that here, unless I missed something (which I may have).

I also applaud you for speaking with her about your concerns, instead of jumping to conclusions that she was "cheating" (stepping out on you with other women).

You say your RL with her has not suffered, she still remains quite loving and sexual with you, which is fabulous!

Re her and other women, it's hard to say without more info; but at the very least I commend both of you for being so open and honest with each other about it - your fantasies, your sexual likes/dislikes, etc..

I am a bit confused about something Snny posted though (below); Snny I hope you don't mind my addressing this.

 

Due to these misconceptions, it’s the reason why I still haven’t disclosed to my husband (after over a decade of being together) about my true sexual preference.

I am not gonna judge you for not disclosing to your husband (not my place to do that) but confused when you say your "true sexual preference."

I surmise you're saying that your preference is for women; from what I understood about bisexuality, one didn't have a preference per se, they became attracted to (and able to fall in love with) both men and women, and would do just that depending on who the person was (a man or woman).

Is this not correct?

^misworded. Was suppose to say “orientation”

^misworded. Was suppose to say “orientation”

Deleted my initial response (in case you had read it).

I understand, thanks for clarifying!

You are talking as if she is giving me an ultimatum. I have had fantasies of other women, I am sure all women fantasize about other men. In this case my girlfriend fantasizes about another woman as well.

 

She is 100% ok never indulging that, she is 100% fine being with me. I do not at all think being bi-curious and wanting to try it once to see how it is with me involved no less, is doing anything wrong. We are on the same page as being ok with both sharing another woman

If a woman wants to have sex with someone else - be it man or woman, its cheating. You will likely regret inviting another woman into your bed together. There may be jealousy if you are too attentive to the other woman or your gf is and ignores you. Or if your gf becomes close to that other woman. Its a can of worms. Remember, that other person is not a blow up doll. they are another human being who has feelings and can also decide that they want more from your girlfriend. Maybe you should breakup and go no contact if she wants to 'explore with women"- because she is already cheating on you by accepting nudes. or you draw a line and say :if you want to be with me/you are with me - no getting nudes, etc.

How would you feel if she was receiving nude photos from another man and said "i want to experience sex with a man that is taller/shorter/better endowed/a different skin color than you?

If a woman wants to have sex with someone else - be it man or woman, its cheating.

Even if it's discussed and agreed beforehand that it's okay?

I always thought that was an "open" RL, which is not cheating.

Cheating is doing something without your partner's knowledge, deceiving them.

Argg, why these problems never happen to me....? Lucky guy OP

OP if you bring a girl for a threesome, you should keep in mind there are high chances the relationship will be over pretty soon. On the other hand, if she suppresses her sexuality, she will break up with you inevitably. If I were in your shoes I would enjoy the threesome as long as I could.

Well, it's beyond fantasy since she is now interacting with real people and exchanging photos.

And regardless of the genders or orientations, she's involved another person in what was an exclusive monogamous relationship up until she started goofing around behind your back.

Sure, she told you when confronted, but she was playing before having a conversation with you about if you would agree to opening the relationship up.

I guess if you aren't interested in something monogamous, this works. But it's a roll of the die of where that will lead to.

If you want a committed totally monogamous relationship, well, then yes you have reason for concern. Doesn't matter if it's men or women - introducing play with people outside the relationship runs counter to that.

And personally , I would consider any partner of any sexual orientation who is not out of the 'experimental, not sure who I am' or not confident enough to be upfront about it - a risky proposition for a long term commitment.

Not at all. I told her what I am ok with in this relationship with her and her fantasy or experimenting. I told her I am ok if she wants to indulge with another woman if I am involved in some capacity.

I'm saying consider widening that permission - so that she can have some extra activity without you involved it. Who knows, she might form a sort of FB relationship with a lady who persuades her to get you involved.

Even if it's discussed and agreed beforehand that it's okay?

 

I always thought that was an "open" RL, which is not cheating.

 

Cheating is doing something without your partner's knowledge, deceiving them.

I agree, which is why I am saying you* need to decide if you're happy to give your partner a little license to stop a possible frustration building on their part, and damaging your relationship. Without you involved. It's their thing.

*Meaning anyone in a relationship with a partner with a high sex drive, who just needs a little variety to keep 'em happy.