GF lets boss drive her car on a dinner date

My girlfriend is an administrative assistant and her (married) boss from overseas was in town and wanted to reward her for her work in planning a large event the business team had by taking her out to dinner. The other members of the planning committee were not invited so she was preferentially being singled out. She was concerned about this and asked my take. [We have a good relationship and often discuss issues and get the other's thoughts]

I told her she needs to consider the perceptions that may arise in the office space. And given that the other two members (man, married woman) that helped plan the event were not included I think that means he is attracted to her. I also acknowledged that the reality of the business world and it doesn’t hurt to be seen in a good light by the boss. Although concerned about advances she may have to fend off she decided to go ahead and picked a dinner spot 20 miles away to avoid any co-workers in the hopes of keeping it a secret at the office.

She informs me she has to drive on their dinner date since his rental car was being used by some fellow traveling colleagues. I know she has concerns about navigating so as we were talking that afternoon I offered some navigation tips in the hopes of easing her anxiety. I tried to ease another anxiety by telling her she could always let him down easy if there were advances by saying she had a boyfriend (people at work do not know so in general assume she is available). I also tried to be encouraging by telling her assume the best and try to have fun. [she has told me she is not attracted to him and I trust her].

I didn’t hear from her that night (which is not our usual communication pattern) and the next day she overslept so when I see her I’m admittedly on pins and needles (ain’t jealousy wonderful?!). She tells me the date was perfect meaning from her perspective it was nice and only a couple hugs at the end. But she also said something that got my dander up. When she pulled up to the carport to pick him up she gave him the keys to drive her car. You didn’t ask him if he would, I asked? “of course not, she laughed, he’s an alpha male”.

So a couple things are bothering me. The first is why would she let him drive her car? I thought it was a coquettish move. Why be submissive and let someone else take control? And who cares if he’s an alpha male? In her defense she prefers to not drive so has asked me to drive us on occasion….but it’s a respectful request not a hand me the keys and assume. So I’m questioning the appropriateness of our compatibility. Perhaps she seeks someone more dominant. She swears not as her father and her ex were that way and she hated being manipulated and controlled. And I’m not sure I want someone so demure.

The second thing bothering me is whether I'm being played. If she had no intention of driving why would she thank me for the navigation advice? And why wouldn’t she let me know that night as our typical communication pattern? She said she got in late and didn’t want to wake me. I believe her that nothing happened but I do question her lack of consideration for my feelings when previously for other events happening in our lives that we were anxious about and offered each other advice (e.g., job interview, work presentation) we would report back right away. Perhaps her intent was to make me feel jealous? [if so, well played on her part.]

She may have been nervous. I’ve done the same thing. She may not want to navigate in front of her boss and get flustered.

If she’s an administrative assistant, the boss may be trying to show her specific appreciation. Tomorrow, for instance, my married boss is taking me to lunch to celebrate my one year anniversary at the company.

No big deal.

Dude you are reading way too much into this.

I don't think you trust her entirely if you made this post. The whole concept of an "alpha male" is somewhat dated and silly to me, and I think her comment was strange, but not necessarily indicative of inappropriate behavior. Is there any reason you don't entirely trust her to be faithful outside of this incident?

This is not about her letting her boss drive.

It's about your discomfort regarding her boss taking her out for dinner. You're not as okay with it as you initially wanted to be, which is fine, but you need to be honest with yourself about that. I think it's also about nobody at work knowing she has a boyfriend. Why is that? Does she actively hide her relationship status, or is it just a matter of not having come up?

Hey, with sexual harassment cases everywhere, all her boss had to do was make a pass at her and she would have been $50,000 richer. Come on. It's no big deal. Relax and calm down. Be happy that she's being recognized.

Unfortunately that's what your "advice" was all about.

ain’t jealousy wonderful

I would be more concerned about the “couple of hugs” at the end. Coworkers, especially male and female ..and more so if one is a boss, shouldn’t hug. And she slept in the next day blah blah. And you’re the company secret? Everyone thinks she’s available? This is all messed up

I have never once ever hugged my coworkers a couple of times in one evening. That's super weird.

The driving thing though, eh, does she need driving glasses for night time? Now that my hubby drives most of the time, I have come to dislike driving at night after decades of being a road warrior.

I would be more concerned about the “couple of hugs” at the end. Coworkers, especially male and female ..and more so if one is a boss, shouldn’t hug. And she slept in the next day blah blah. And you’re the company secret? Everyone thinks she’s available? This is all messed up

exactly but more so "only a couple of hugs at the end" like she was trying to let you know it was not more. It should have been a handshake. Or if they had worked together for 20 years and are like family, the shoulders only one armed hug. the fact that it was called a "dinner date" is uncomfortable, and if the dinner was a "reward" vs just a networking lunch, why did you not go (not expecting the boss to pay of course) or why did she not insist on the rest of the team coming?

Wait, I should reiterate what I said. I have never once hugged any of my employees more than once in a night. If I ever do, it's once and a major holiday, and we're all saying goodbye after I bought them ALL dinner as a thank you for great work.

Thank you everyone for your replies; much appreciated.

While I do think the dinner date is in the gray zone of appropriate work behavior I agree with the thoughts of "reading way too much into this"

and "being honest with myself" about my jealousy and insecurities. Time to put my big boy pants on and move on.....I've got a great girl (er, sorry, ...woman).

I don't think you've got anything to worry about.

If she's not too confident about navigating and doesn't want to appear incompetent and flustered in front of her boss, it makes more sense to hand over the keys in a confident manner - which, from her perspective, is keeping HER in control - than to put herself in a position where she may feel humiliated or awkward. I'd probably have done the same; I recall being at a lunch where I couldn't get the top off a water bottle without abrading the palm of my hand. I handed the bottle to the muscle-bound body-builder sitting next to me, who removed the top and handed it back to me, without either of us interrupting the conversations we were having with other people. It certainly didn't make me feel submissive!

...and I don't think it even occurred to her that you might feel jealous....

Thanks for taking the time to reply nutbrownhare. GF and I have discussed our thoughts and as you described it is how it went down. And she said she had no idea I could be jealous as it hadn't been an emotion that surfaced to that point (I didn't know I was that type). It was hurtful to go through the emotions but I've learned a lot more about myself and will be better for it.

And she said she had no idea I could be jealous as it hadn't been an emotion that surfaced to that point (I didn't know I was that type). It was hurtful to go through the emotions but I've learned a lot more about myself and will be better for it.

Not just a better person in a general sense, but a much happier one! There are times when doubts and jealousy are an appropriate response to inappropriate behaviour, but the dinner with her boss doesn't sound like one of them - this is not to invalidate your feelings, but just to let you know that the kind of pain you were feeling can be safely thrown out of the window.

I'm glad it has been sorted...still I feel that your partner has made some very poor choices with regards of her interaction with her boss and the way it made you feel.

Unfortunately , (many times) people find it impossible to empathise and reverse the cards. Imagine if you had a female boss (smart looking lady) and invited just you for dinner (just you). While she has a car to drive you both, she gives you her keys to her car to drive both of you to your destination. After dinner, you share a couple of "hugs" and return home without letting your girlfriend know.

I know it's too late now... but think if you have given that scenario to your girlfriend...how would it sit on her...I bet she would be furious. Just a thought mate...not trying to restart your worry...but I find it unfair to call something unreasonable or "reading way too much into this".

It's not that your partner has any sinister thoughts...but it would make her think how these can affect you ...and her on reverse.

Hmm, hasn't anyone heard of Uber and agreeing to meet at a restaurant?

BTW, that "alpha male" comment was an unconscious dig at you. I wouldn't have liked that at all.

Let’s see, alpha boss from out of town asks your gf out on a date. Even though there were others that helped plan the event.

She goes on this date and never calls afterwards to check in as normal.

Why would you feel any differently then you do. This is inappropriate behavior between a boss and subordinate. She chose a location where they wouldn’t be seen. She is the one calling him an alpha male.

Sorry but I believe something did happen between the two of them.

I would never go out on a dinner date with a female coworker. Let alone to be out so late to not be able to call my wife afterwards with male coworkers.

You’re not the only guy to ask about this exact situation. From what I have read it’s a little better then a 50% chance your gf cheated on you. Be it making out to full blown sex.