Self Hatred Is Eating Me Alive

Hi all im currently 17 at the time of writing this and still attending school

I have very very deep hatred for myself and this has been happening ever since I was very young . As a child I was bullied until I was about 12 years old and this has had some sort of effect on me. Im not the most strong emotion wise either which does not help either .Everything I do i critique myself immsensly and if I make a tiny mistake it will put me into a sad mood instantly and makes me think of what a failure I am. Ive never been able to overcome this negative way of thinking. Ive destoryed my own confidence and belief in myself and other people. I have plently of friends but for some reason I dont keep regular contact with them .

Over the past year I believe I have also become addicted to video games as I have no work ethic , no money , I dont leave my room to meet with my friends . I want to change but just dont have the motivation to do so.

Almost a year ago I also had a bad breakup which cause me to be even further depressed and hate myself even more. I have terrible social skills and on top of that im skinny , quiet, unfit , ugly and have no hobbies and girls dont even want to talk to me when I try to talk to them and the last year has been mental tourture , it has left me tired all the time and i struggle to keep up with my school work .

I also have these random moments everyday where I go sad for no reason and have to resist the tears.I look at how much of a failure I am.

I am currently taking anti-depressants and

Get on you tube and look up a man named Tony Robbins. Watch every video. Watch them over and over again.

Only you can stop this. Nobody else can.

You're still young and so many opportunities at your doorstep. Focus on life, hobbies, what makes you happy. What do you like to do? Set goals for yourself. Failure is a given in life. Whenever you fail find the lessons you can get out of it instead of dwelling on how much you failed. You have to fail first to succeed.

Thanks for the reply I will be sure to watch his videos !

I'm sorry you're struggling so much, OP. The teen years are such a challenge, particularly when you've had a difficult background.

The good news is that you're about to enter the prime of your life. Growing into adulthood can be a very exciting experience, as you gain confidence and learn more about yourself. It sounds cliche, but it's true.

I would start here:

A ) What are you naturally interested in? Music? Sports? History? Tech? Identify what generally engages you, even if it's not a hobby at this point. What subjects do you like most at school? When you choose a movie or TV show or book, what genres do you tend to gravitat towards?

(Be cautious about identifying video games as an interest. There's a difference between enjoying them for the game itself, and using them as an escape mechanism, which sounds like what you're currently experiencing)

B) What are your positive traits? I realize that right now, you likely don't believe you have any. But you do. We all do. Are you thoughtful? Open-minded? Are you an abstract thinker? An eloquent writer?

In life, as the above poster suggested, there will many setbacks and failures. We've all had a few. The point is more how we deal with them, and manage disappointment. We also need to navigate our own emotions. It's not wrong to feel sad; but what do you do when you're feeling that way? Finding a healthy outlet for those feelings, whether it's going for a walk or writing them out in a personal journal, can be tremendously beneficial.

You mentioned you're on anti-depressants, so I'm curious, are you also in counseling of some type?

I remember my High School years so vividly. While most people would have fond memories of playing sports, being in some kind of club, hanging out with friends, it was very different for me. I remember standing by myself outside the school after the bus dropped us off while everyone else stood around in their groups laughing and talking while waiting to be let inside for homeroom. I remember going to the bathroom to cry. I remember walking 5+ miles home by myself to skip school. Or I’d beg my mom to let me stay home. Every day felt like I was just surviving. I wasn’t bullied. I just had social anxiety. So did most of my family including my brother. He had it more rough than me. I remember one time being in the bathroom and hearing a thud against the door. When I opened the door I saw my brother being beat up by another kid. My brother was such a good kid. One time I was depressed and he made a cd for me. He stayed in his room alone a lot. Home life was hard for him too. He always loved his video games and mom always got him the latest game system. Of course our other sister and I would always complain about how lazy he was. I usually ended up doing the shoveling and mowing the yard. My dad would come over to yell at him or push him against a wall. My brother had gifts the world had yet to see. He struggled through his classes but he graduated High School and went on to college for computer technology. He now has a great job as an IT person at a bank. He also met his wonderful wife in his 20’s. And he still loves video games JI never graduated High School. I got my GED. I was too afraid to go to college. I struggled staying at a job too long and was in and out of relationships. I’ve had a long list of failures. I haven’t been successful by societies standards. When I moved to another state about 6 years ago it was as if I may as well have moved to outer space. I always avoided cashiering jobs or something that put me right out in front. I preferred to be a dishwasher, maintenance or housekeeper or something where I could hide or be less noticeable. When I moved it was like I was expected to be in the front because of who I was. Things really changed for me when I turned to my faith. I started replacing my thoughts with what I believe to be truth from my faith. I remember having a lot of those same self hatred thoughts that you have had and turning over and over in my mind all the things I did wrong in every situation. Now when I start having those thoughts I stop and remember my faith and what I believe is truth about who I am and created to be. Ive been able to do many things I wouldn’t have been able to do before. I drove in Houston traffic all by myself and even attended the largest church in the US by myself. I was a cashier and even liked it even though it was super hard. I still went to my car for my breaks. If I go to the bathroom its not to cry anymore, it’s because I actually have to go but sometimes if I feel overwhelmed I pray. I went to a counselor at my church and he did a personality profile on me. Most personality profiles only recognize 4 personalities, but this one recognizes 5-the 5thbeing the least popular-the Melancholy. Turns out I’m one of the most melancholy my counselor has ever seen or rarely seen. Melancholys don’t like to make mistakes and don’t like to be embarrassed. I was so happy to have done this though because it showed me my gifts and who I was created to be. I was able to accept that and even cherish it. It even relieved some of the anxiety because I didn’t put as much pressure on myself to try to be something I’m not. It’s a gift to be quiet. It’s a gift to be able to be alone. Many teachers and writers have those same qualities, as well as many other professions. My strengths are that I can stand alone, even though I don’t believe I am ever alone. You have so much ahead of you. Your best days are still in front of you. You have so many gifts to offer the world. Your destiny is still up ahead. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. I’m so sorry for your break up. I know how hard that can be. I remember. The right people will come into your life at the right time. I promise. If you need to talk I’m here and know that I’m praying for you

I also wanted to tell you that my brother and his friends like to get together for a video game night. I also have a friend who has a "classic" video game night and all his friends bring food and just have a good time playing video games and hanging out. Just don't isolate yourself, even if you have to force yourself to hang out with your friends. Isolation only makes things worse. When you are alone too much you are alone with your thoughts and those thoughts can quickly spiral down into a dark place. Let the people who love you and care about you in. Also I'm very careful about the things I put in my mind- like music, tv etc. There are so many negative and depressing messages out there and whatever you put in your head is what you will think about.

Thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to say all that I really appreciate it. I will try my best to look more on the positive side and I will talk to my counselor about the meds :)

High School is tough for a lot of people. I remember being bullied constantly throughout my teens (and early adulthood!) and it was a very unpleasant experience.

I have terrible social skills and on top of that im skinny , quiet, unfit , ugly and have no hobbies

So let's break this down.

The two bold items are nothing to worry about. At all. They're not negative qualities. There are plenty of skinny, quiet, men and women out there who are very successful in life, are happy and have wonderful experiences, so those traits are nothing to judge yourself harshly for. That doesn't mean you can't change them if you want to, but more on that below.

Social skills, fitness, hobbies and to an extent your appearance are all factors you can change, if you have the desire to do so. A lack of any or all of these traits is still not the end of the world and, again, many people with these characteristics go on to live happy and fulfilling lives, but improving oneself is never a bad thing and focusing on developing these traits is one way of growing as a human being.

Social skills - It comes with practice and experience. Put yourself into any and all situations where you can interact with people, written or verbally. It won't happen overnight, but gradually this will improve without you even realizing, until it becomes very natural to you. I once had severely crippling social anxiety, but now-a-days I can lead teams of people and have received praise for contributions made helping out the community, all of which involve communicating with others. It takes time and effort, but you will get there. Also, you already have friends! That's a start!

Fitness - Go to the gym, take up a sport. Hell, just go for a walk around town. Anything that gets you off your butt and moving around, honestly. You don't have to be Adonis to be fit, and being fit isn't a necessity to make friends / get girls, but it will make you happier and more confident in yourself.

Hobbies - Easy. Find something you're interested in, and go do it. Video games does count, but it would be beneficial to find more activities to take up some more of your time, and hopefully hobbies that put you in contact with people.

"Ugly"- A lot of people tend to judge themselves harshly in this regard, but more often than not no one is truly ugly. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, after all. Still, you can help this by going to the gym, grooming, washing regularly, wearing better fitted clothes. Accepting yourself and what you look like is perhaps the most crucial element, however. We have to deal with the cards we're dealt in life, and this is one card you can't change. Alter slightly, sure.

And here's a story for you; I was bullied constantly, had so very few friends and like you spent most of my time alone and in my bedroom playing video games. I wanted to kill myself, and I was very unhappy. But I never stopped trying. Ever. Then literally one day everything happened at first; I got my first job, and my first girlfriend. Things got better after that, and I'm in a much better place now. Things will look up for you eventually, but you got to keep your head up and overcome life's challenges! We'll be here to support you along the way! Good luck! :)

No problem! I remember how difficult it was for me and I want it to be easier for you. You will get through this!

Hi all im currently 17 at the time of writing this and still attending school

 

I have very very deep hatred for myself and this has been happening ever since I was very young . As a child I was bullied until I was about 12 years old and this has had some sort of effect on me. Im not the most strong emotion wise either which does not help either .Everything I do i critique myself immsensly and if I make a tiny mistake it will put me into a sad mood instantly and makes me think of what a failure I am. Ive never been able to overcome this negative way of thinking. Ive destoryed my own confidence and belief in myself and other people. I have plently of friends but for some reason I dont keep regular contact with them .

 

Over the past year I believe I have also become addicted to video games as I have no work ethic , no money , I dont leave my room to meet with my friends . I want to change but just dont have the motivation to do so.

 

Almost a year ago I also had a bad breakup which cause me to be even further depressed and hate myself even more. I have terrible social skills and on top of that im skinny , quiet, unfit , ugly and have no hobbies and girls dont even want to talk to me when I try to talk to them and the last year has been mental tourture , it has left me tired all the time and i struggle to keep up with my school work .

 

I also have these random moments everyday where I go sad for no reason and have to resist the tears.I look at how much of a failure I am.

 

I am currently taking anti-depressants and

I never even had a girlfriend at 17. My first breakup was when I was 28! I also never had a job until I was in college (I raked up so much credit card debt omg) From my perspective you are ahead of the curve.

You need to realize that no one is grading your life but you. If there are things you want to change, work on changing them - but stop giving yourself F's. There is no way you have earned all of the F's you have given yourself. Did you ever have a teacher where it seemed like you could never say or do the right thing, they would always criticize your work? Don't be that teacher to yourself! Be the cool art teacher who looks at the sculpture of a bird that looks like poop, and says "I see, so you are commenting on how birds are always dropping their poop. Very insightful!"

The world puts enough pressure on you, especially in your teens, to put extra pressure on yourself. You kind of just have to get through it - focus on your school work so you can get out of there and have room to focus on yourself. I know it can feel like a meat grinder - I would never go back. It gets easier afterwards in some ways; although if you continue to be such a harsh self-judge then that will follow you even after school is over.