Might have ruined a relationship (or not)

First of all - I know I made a mistake and I'm in a really delicate part of my life, so please don't be rude or mean to me. I already know what I did and I'm just here looking for an answer, I will let you know the question later in this post. Please, read it all and help me out :(

I have known this guy for a very long time. He's 30, Im 20. I don't know why I fell so deeply for him.

His phrase has always been "we have too much of an age gap". Yet he told me he wanted to be my "first time" (I was 18 and he was 28 at that time). We had sex, and I lost my virginity to him. I fell deeply in love. But he didn't. He came once to my house to meet my parents (they wanted to meet him! Because he was much older than me). He stayed no more than an hour and gave me a chocolate from his European trip (from Belgium, to be exact) and I gave him a key chain from Brazil. At this point I thought that he liked me, really liked me. Otherwise, why think about me in Europe and buy me a chocolate?! Besides, he messaged me when he was THERE, to tell me he had been robbed. He wanted to let me know that he wasn't okay. Being miles and miles away from me. He liked me, at least a bit, to do that.

He always waited until night to message me to see if we could go somewhere. It was never at the light of the day. I always expected more from him because I was in love. He wanted me to go to his apartment after my class, and I had to ask permission to my parents, because I live with them(I was 18 at that time!), and they didn't like it and I told him. Of course he can do what he wants because he lives alone. But I can't, and he needed to understand that. That's when he started to walk away from me... but I didn't want him to! He would only say happy birthday to me, or happy new year, or merry christmas. And I got sick of it. At the end of 2016 I sent him a voice message on whatsapp (I was drunk) telling him he was mean, super mean to me. The next day, he deleted me from Whatsapp and Instagram. He didn't delete me from Facebook, though. He cut all kinds of communication.

But we saw each other again last year. I told you that at the end of 2016, beggining of 2017 he deleted me from social media. But last year, just this time of the year, I saw him at the bar. And I went to his apartment and had sex. The same thing happened the next month. We had sex two times last year. I saw him again, for the third time. But I decided I wasn't going to have sex with him. I told him to give me clear signs, I was like, what do you want? Do you want a relationship out of this? And he was like, YES, I take you, I want you. He never messaged me again after that. He lied to me, straight to my face.

At the end of 2017 a friend of mine told me that he had a girlfriend. My heart broke in two pieces. I was broken. He chose someone else over me, and was happy. Or that's what I thought at that time. While we were having sex, he was dating someone else, and I didn't know it. I did my research and found her Instagram account. I made a fake Instagram account to follow her, and she had a lot of pictures with him EVEN ON VACATION!!!! It's like he had that part of his life hidden under wraps. I'll let you know why I know this.

Two months ago, I reunited with a friend. I told her everything about this guy, and she was like : "Follow him again! You want to know what he's doing, just follow him. You want to know what his girlfriend looks like! Do what you want, it's your life and a follow doesn't mean anything" and I did. And he accepted my request and requested to follow me (we both have private accounts). I looked at his pictures and... nothing. He had zero photos with his girlfriend. His girl had like 10 pictures with him but he had zero. None. I was impressed.

He started replying to my Instagram stories until this past saturday I went to his apartment and... we had sex. He picked me up from where I was, and drove me to his apartment, and we... did it. I knew he had a girlfriend, and I still did it. He had a girlfriend... and he cheated on her. After the sex, he finally told me - as if he was somehow proud of what he did, as if he was happy that he was about to hurt me with the facts that I already knew - he had a girlfriend. And I backfired, telling him: "I already know. I know it since like... a long time ago". He was... frozen after that. He started feeling guilty, telling me he didn't want to have sex again because "she's a nice person, she didn't deserve that"... then why do it in the first place? The funny part is that we kissed after having that chat. And he revealed to me that he was planning a trip with her to Spain. He was planning a trip with his girlfriend and he did what he did.

The next day, he called me. He apologized to me, and told me that he broke his relatioship. That he has a healthy relationship and he never cheated on her, ever. I ased him "did you tell her?" and he was all like "no, I won't tell her and I don't plan on telling her either". So, it's deceiving. He's telling me that his relationship is broken, but he didn't tell her anything, and they still have a healthy relationship. My head was a mess after that phone call. What?

So I messaged him and told him that I was confused and... he told me that our thing has no future, it's not gonna happen, and that our thing didn't work, it just didn't. I told him that I never have sex with people I have no feelings for and that I sometimes think people are the same as me - aka people don't use other people for sex. He replied... "people aren't always as you are. You have to learn that. Sadly, we learn through our own mistakes". He was treating me like I was 11 years old just because we have a 10 year age gap??? I replied "I made a mistake with someone that is... well, I better not go there. Bye bye". He replied "You don't need to go there. Bye.".

He didn't unfollow me on instagram nor facebook. WHY?! What does he want from me? What does all this mean?

Oh Lordy. I know you asked for non-judgmental comments but going off your post... your communication with him and his communication with you is like two adults with the communication skills of 7-8 years old.

My 2 cents. Don't communicate about delicate or important topics with people over WhatsApp, email, text messages, twitter, etc. Always in person and if not, on the phone. Also you know why he hasn't deleted you.

You have been having sex with him with a this moral flexibility which works for him because when he needs a booty call, he will be giving you a ring.

Question is, do you want to keep being his booty call?

He told you from the get go that he’s perfectly fine with having sex with you and nothing further. A halfway decent guy wouldn’t have set out to take your virginity knowing you wanted more. Let this guy go. He’s a bozo and a waste of your time.

OP, this guy has been playing you since you met him.

He's right that you need to stop assuming all people are like you. They aren't; and he especially isn't. You're learning that now, I realize. He didn't unfollow you on some platforms just in case he wants some convenient sex from you again. I don't mean to be harsh, because it sounds like you're quite inexperienced and naive, but that's all this is to him.

Forget this dude. He was never dating material and he never will be. Delete him forever so you can focus on finding a decent guy who actually cares about you. And don't worry about ruining your relationship with him (if that's what you meant by your thread title) because girl, there was no relationship to ruin.

You have said everything that needs to be said here. I don't know what question you are looking for, but this guy has given you the answer quite plainly: "people aren't always as you are. You have to learn that." Yes, he said it in a rude, patronizing way, but you need to look past the method of delivery and see the message. You like him one way (romantically, with hopes for the future) and he likes you a different way (casually, for right now, for sex). These two ways are not compatible. I don't think the age gap is really the thing here - emotionally he sounds below you honestly. He was surprised you knew he had a girlfriend lol. What a dope. You wanted to test him to see if he was really as bad as you thought - would he cheat? He failed your test.

Do you really think he needs any more chances to let you down?

You are a glutton for punishment. This guy has never been interested in anything more than sex. He does not care about or respect you.

He cheats on his gf, yet you believe him to be some prize. You need to block and delete this creep, and try to locate your self respect.

Do not ever allow someone to treat you like this again.

There was never any relationship.

Seems to me he already had a GF the whole time. He is one of those who likes having extra on the side...kinda entitled as long as he can get away with it. near the end you were getting too heaty with being in love with him...heaty meaning the heat is on and his GF could possibly find out. So he needed out. He's a dog. He just does what he does because he can. He is a classic narcissist. He only cares about himself. He lies to get what he wants, and lies to navigate through his infidelities.

He didn't unfollow you, because he feels if he makes you think there is hope, you won't stir the pot, and get revenge. It's his way of pacifying you. He's quite clever.

He sees you as a convenient and disposable booty call, whom he can visit at his leisure when the mood strikes. What a deal, and how easy is that?

I understand this sounds harsh, yet it's something you need to hear. You're obviously trying to buy him with sex, which results in him having no respect for you, yet he sees the opportunity and is running with it.

I'd set my standards at a higher level.

Well, men and women do see having sex differently. To some men, it's like a sport. It's cheap entertainment. It's something to relieve pressure and stress. There's nothing nicer than to have a naked girl in your bed for an hour or two. That kind of behavior is what supports prostitution and why you don't see many escort services for women. And for a 30-year-old guy, he's probably a bit cynical about love.

For you, where he's your first, and you loved him, you still have romantic notions about relationships. He doesn't see cheating the same way you do. For example, does football get jealous that you also watch baseball? No.

Of course, you went over to the dark side too by having revenge sex with him. Hopefully you've gotten him out of your system and you should block him on Facebook and Instagram. It's obvious he didn't unfriend you because when he breaks up with his current girlfriend he'll chat you up again. Just block him and move on. Go out with younger people who aren't as cynical as he is.

Sounds like he's going to get everything he wants from you, and has no intention of giving you anything that you want. Sorry you fell for him. He's a bozo and a cheapskate and he's taking advantage of your inexperience. Fortunately, you are 20 years old and can have your choice of men. So get past this guy and concentrate on higher quality companions. They are out there.

Don't make this more complicated then it needs to be.

He doesn't want a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship with you. He wants a FWB relationship. I don't even know if you can call it a FWB relationship.

What do you love about this guy? He has really treated you badly.

Also, how would you feel if some girl slept with your bf? You knew he was involved with someone, yet slept with him. That's awful.

He didn't unfollow me on instagram nor facebook. WHY?! What does he want from me? What does all this mean?

It means he likes having you in his back pocket, as an option, in case it doesn't work out with his current GF. What he wants from you, is someone that will sleep with him and show him affection without having to give anything in return. What it all means is that he was likely put off by the age gap enough that he didn't want to date you, but was still okay sleeping with you.

Your level of naivety is astounding. What does he want from you? He wants to get laid! Nothing more and nothing less. How come you cant see that? You are nothing but a booty call and you are wasting your time with this guy. He's using you. Wake up and get a grip on yourself. You are being played for a fool.

The title of your thread expresses concern that you may have ruined a relationship. I'm not sure I believe that you are concerned about that and more hoping that you have..! And I don't blame you for that, you are young and besotted and this man has hurt you a great deal. Just know that this next girl has all this to come. Don't be jealous of her, she's landed herself a looser and she too has lots to learn, probably in the very near future if his recent behaviour is anything to go by. You are so young and this man has violated you by encouraging you to loose your virginity to him. This was a conquest to him, nothing more. And by popping back in and out of your life he has kept you attached and prevented you from getting over him and moving on. Many, many people's first times end up being 'regrettable'. Try and focus now on the first time with the right guy. This is a massive pile of walking waste and you are so young, go and be happy with a nice young man who is deserving of all the love and care you have to offer.