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Is he rude and disrespectful, or am I being too sensitive?


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Hi all. As some of you know, I am in the process of getting a divorce (almost 29 year marriage). His lawyer drew up papers and I am awaiting to receive them; my lawyer will be reviewing them, etc. He told me he would be faithful and not screw around until the divorce was final. I've moved into my apartment but I go back to my house nearly every day to pick up odds and ends. I always text him before going and ask if it's OK to go. He said OK but be finished by 2:00. That said, I went yesterday while he was at work. I proceeded to go up to my former bedroom and master bathroom to see if I left anything there that I needed.

 

I was stunned to see two pillows on my bed. I proceeded to the bathroom. There's a toothbrush on my side of the sink (there are double sinks). Then, I notice an extra set of towels by his towels. I felt like someone punched me in the solar plexus. Now, we both realize that divorce was inevitable (third time he's mentioned wanting one in 6 years). I'm OK with that and, although I am very sad, I am also somewhat relieved. But, I do miss him however toxic the marriage was. Long story. Anyway, perhaps I am too naive or too stupid or whatever you want to label it, but I didn't think he'd screw someone so quickly. That, in of itself, doesn't bother me too much but the fact that knowing that I go there often, I thought he'd have the courtesy to either clean up her things so I wouldn't see them OR tell me not to go over. Yes, we are separated but it still hurt so much to see how quickly he's jumped into the sack. I thought he'd at least wait a while. Doesn't say much about how he regards me. Am I wrong to feel this way? i was coping pretty well before witnessing this upsetting scenario. I would appreciate your views.

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He has not been doing it all along because I go to the house every day except weekends and I notice what's in the dirty clothes hamper. He's not one to fold clean sheets and towels. He leaves them in the clean hamper. I moved out 2 weeks ago, so this is a recent thing.

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What do you care? You're separated and you're divorcing. He can do whatever he wants. You can do whatever you want. This is not the time to develop a final wave of jealousy or try to control what he does. Look the other way and move on.

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Are you sure he didn't hire a housekeeper? That would explain folded stuff and a miss placed toothbrush...from her wiping the counters down. I used to be a house keeper and I had a habit of putting things back the way I like, not the way they had it.

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I'm not trying to control him. He's free to do whatever he wants - just don't let me see it. Don't rub salt into the wound. I'm not sure why I care. Guess it bothers me because I regard it as insensitive on his part and so hurtful. He knew I was going over so I think he should have made an effort to get rid of her stuff before leaving for work, out of respect for me. He can do whatever he wants just don't be so brazen about it. Remember, he dumped me and I'm trying to cope with that. That's enough pain.

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As I said to DanZee, I go back to the house every day. He knew I was going. Her towels were hanging next to his in the bathroom, after showering (obviously) AND he took a new toothbrush out of the vanity. The case was in the garbage beside the sink. It wasn't there the day before. Plus, I went early in the morning and the towels were still damp. So, no, it wasn't a housekeeper.

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I think that you should stop going for every little thing. You should have a moving day to collect all of your clothing and personal effects -- your clothing, toiletries, photo albums from your childhood and all that should already be out but if not -- you should make a list of those things and go get them once and for all and then outline in the divorce settlement what you get as far as furniture, cookware, artwork etc. And then on a determined day, you bring a moving truck and take it all.

 

We told you that he had someone else -- due to the hasty nature of the divorce (the problems had been going on off and on for awhile, but he never actually was going to divorce you). All those other times, he didn't.

 

I hope you got a shark of a lawyer and that you tell them that there is another woman.

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I think that you should stop going for every little thing. You should have a moving day to collect all of your clothing and personal effects -- your clothing, toiletries, photo albums from your childhood and all that should already be out but if not -- you should make a list of those things and go get them once and for all and then outline in the divorce settlement what you get as far as furniture, cookware, artwork etc. And then on a determined day, you bring a moving truck and take it all.

 

We told you that he had someone else -- due to the hasty nature of the divorce (the problems had been going on off and on for awhile, but he never actually was going to divorce you). All those other times, he didn't.

 

I hope you got a shark of a lawyer and that you tell them that there is another woman.

 

I already had a moving day with a U-Haul truck (June 16). I have all the furniture that I need/want. He suggested that I move the middle of June since I found an apartment - that gave me 11 days to move all my things. Not enough time to pack everything. I go back because I wanted to take the china, crystal, craft dies, etc on my own and not with a truck. All I'm saying is that I wish he were more discreet. I was his wife for 29 years; doesn't that count for something? You know the old saying "What you don't know can't hurt you." Well, now I know and it does hurt - a lot. Yes, I am meeting with my lawyer this week.

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Sorry to hear this. Also that he was trying to make the divorce your fault with his asinine sexual drama. You do not need permission to enter your own legal residence, just go whenever you need to. Make sure you change your stance with trusting him way too much with your finances, the divorce, "he'll take care of everything", etc. He may have had her lined up for a while, but he was good at tricking and gaslighting you.

 

Please tell your lawyer asap to sever finances, freeze assets, get a forensic accountant, etc. Put the house on the market now because it will have to be sold and divided up. If a realtor is bringing clients through there it won't be the love nest he's hoping it would be. Get credit reports, bank statements, insurance policies, retirement account info asap. Do not trust him, he's probably been supporting or wining and dining her for quite some time. As unforeseen and upsetting as this may have been it could serve as the wake-up call to have a much more aggressive and equitable approach to this divorce. You've come a long way from agreeing to use his attorney and bjs. Bravo for you.

His lawyer drew up papers and I am awaiting to receive them; my lawyer will be reviewing them, etc. I didn't think he'd screw someone so quickly.
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I'm sorry you saw that but I think you should be honest about you trying to hold onto him.

 

You told him he couldn't see anyone until your divorce is final, you don't have that power over him anymore dear.

 

Going there everyday? You even said, 'oh I went to the room to see if I needed anything.'

 

Who does that?

 

Does that even sound true?

 

You went everyday to snoop.

 

You put your hand on the stove and got burned.

 

It sucks but you gotta stop.

 

Get everything you need in one final trip and stop going over there.

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I'm sorry you saw that but I think you should be honest about you trying to hold onto him.

 

You told him he couldn't see anyone until your divorce is final, you don't have that power over him anymore dear.

 

Going there everyday? You even said, 'oh I went to the room to see if I needed anything.'

 

Who does that?

 

Does that even sound true?

 

You went everyday to snoop.

 

You put your hand on the stove and got burned.

 

It sucks but you gotta stop.

 

Get everything you need in one final trip and stop going over there.

 

Listen, I absolutely did NOT go there to snoop. How dare you say that??? I had 11 days to move all my things from a 3,100 sq foot house. I had a U-Haul truck move all my furniture, bookcases, etc. . I moved two weeks ago. I wanted to bring bring my scrapbook papers, dies, china, crystal etc because they are rather delicate and quite costly. I had to remove curtains in nearly every room after the move because he did not want them. I actually went up to my bedroom because I wanted the 3 plants that were in the master bathroom, and that's why I saw the two pillows, etc

 

Also, please read more carefully: HE is the one that said that he'll be faithful until the divorce if final - NOT ME!!!! Finally, I am not trying to hold on to him!!!!! Why should I stay with someone who has threatened divorce 3 times in 6 years. I am sad but I do have self-respect.

 

One more thing: I went back because I had set clothing aside for Salvation Army both in my bedroom and the unfinished basement. Do you understand?

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Sorry to hear this. Also that he was trying to make the divorce your fault with his asinine sexual drama. You do not need permission to enter your own legal residence, just go whenever you need to. Make sure you change your stance with trusting him way too much with your finances, the divorce, "he'll take care of everything", etc. He may have had her lined up for a while, but he was good at tricking and gaslighting you.

 

Please tell your lawyer asap to sever finances, freeze assets, get a forensic accountant, etc. Put the house on the market now because it will have to be sold and divided up. If a realtor is bringing clients through there it won't be the love nest he's hoping it would be. Get credit reports, bank statements, insurance policies, retirement account info asap. Do not trust him, he's probably been supporting or wining and dining her for quite some time. As unforeseen and upsetting as this may have been it could serve as the wake-up call to have a much more aggressive and equitable approach to this divorce. You've come a long way from agreeing to use his attorney and bjs. Bravo for you.

 

Thank you for your sound advice. Yes, I've gotten smarter. I text him before going to the house because I think it's common courtesy plus I feel awkward seeing him. Surely, that's understandable. U-Haul moved me 2 weeks ago with my furniture and all the big stuff but I went back every day to help get the house ready for the realtor. I wanted to bring bring my scrapbook papers, dies, china, crystal etc myself because they are rather delicate and quite costly, hence, I made daily trips back to my apartment. I had to remove curtains in nearly every room after the move because he did not want them and I did. As I said before, the house is 3,100 sq feet. I actually went up to my bedroom that day because I wanted the 3 plants that were in the master bathroom, and that's why I saw the two pillows, etc

 

Lastly, I went back because I had set clothing and other items aside for Salvation Army both in my bedroom and the unfinished basement.

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Listen, I absolutely did NOT go there to snoop. How dare you say that??? I had 11 days to move all my things from a 3,100 sq foot house. I had a U-Haul truck move all my furniture, bookcases, etc. . I moved two weeks ago. I wanted to bring bring my scrapbook papers, dies, china, crystal etc because they are rather delicate and quite costly. I had to remove curtains in nearly every room after the move because he did not want them. I actually went up to my bedroom because I wanted the 3 plants that were in the master bathroom, and that's why I saw the two pillows, etc

 

Also, please read more carefully: HE is the one that said that he'll be faithful until the divorce if final - NOT ME!!!! Finally, I am not trying to hold on to him!!!!! Why should I stay with someone who has threatened divorce 3 times in 6 years. I am sad but I do have self-respect.

 

One more thing: I went back because I had set clothing aside for Salvation Army both in my bedroom and the unfinished basement. Do you understand?

 

 

I've moved into my apartment but I go back to my house nearly every day to pick up odds and ends. I always text him before going and ask if it's OK to go. He said OK but be finished by 2:00. That said, I went yesterday while he was at work. I proceeded to go up to my former bedroom and master bathroom to see if I left anything there that I needed.

 

.

 

You're defensiveness is saying 'I don't care' your actions say otherwise.

 

Why be defensive? It's human nature you were in a dang near 30 year marriage you don't get over that in a matter of days it's going to take time.

 

I apologize you're right he told you he would remain faithful, it was a silly promise to make. He doesn't owe you his fidelity and to even insinuate he did was clearly untrue.

 

You have every right to feel the way you do my post was simply saying be honest with yourself and stop putting your hand on the stove, there is no reason to go there 'every day' none. There is no reason to enter his bedroom, even if you needed something. Have him set everything by the door.

 

Why is it taking this long to move out? Again it doesn't even make logical sense. It's either just you or the both of you but you're handling this in a very unhealthy way. STOP going over there. It doesn't take 11 days to move out.

 

I know I sound mean saying this but you are hurting yourself more than you need to. Look or for your emotional health.

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Excellent you have a realtor and are selling the house. It may be creepy to go there but do not hesitate to go to your own legal residence and retrieve whatever you need for your new apt and life. You don't want things going missing or getting lost in the shuffle that you want. It will be difficult for a while but keep your eye on the ball and get your things.

I went back every day to help get the house ready for the realtor.
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You're defensiveness is saying 'I don't care' your actions say otherwise.

 

Why be defensive? It's human nature you were in a dang near 30 year marriage you don't get over that in a matter of days it's going to take time.

 

I apologize you're right he told you he would remain faithful, it was a silly promise to make. He doesn't owe you his fidelity and to even insinuate he did was clearly untrue.

 

You have every right to feel the way you do my post was simply saying be honest with yourself and stop putting your hand on the stove, there is no reason to go there 'every day' none. There is no reason to enter his bedroom, even if you needed something. Have him set everything by the door.

 

Why is it taking this long to move out? Again it doesn't even make logical sense. It's either just you or the both of you but you're handling this in a very unhealthy way. STOP going over there. It doesn't take 11 days to move out.

 

I know I sound mean saying this but you are hurting yourself more than you need to. Look or for your emotional health.

 

The reason that I keep going back is twofold: (1) he said that whatever I leave behind is getting thrown out (unless he wants it) and (2) I was getting clothes, etc to donate to Salvation Army (mostly from the unfinished basement). There is so much clothing there and I wanted to donate it to, rather than have him throw it out. I had a tendency to be a hoarder.

 

Oh, believe me, that was my last time going to that house. I have all that I want except for my jewelry. My son is picking it up today. There is a complete gym in the basement which he uses and will get the jewelry when he leaves. I left the jewelry because I wanted to get it insured and I thought it would be safer there for now.

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Excellent you have a realtor and are selling the house. It may be creepy to go there but do not hesitate to go to your own legal residence and retrieve whatever you need for your new apt and life. You don't want things going missing or getting lost in the shuffle that you want. It will be difficult for a while but keep your eye on the ball and get your things.

 

Yes, we do. The house needs to be professionally cleaned and his boxes need to be put into storage. Obviously, certain furniture has to stay because he is still living there. He said that whatever I leave behind is getting thrown out (unless he wants it) so I was packing clothes, etc to donate to Salvation Army (mostly from the unfinished basement). There is so much clothing there (some with the price tag still on) and I wanted to donate it, rather than have him throw it out. It's a shame to throw away clothing that someone less fortunate may need.

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The reason that I keep going back is twofold: (1) he said that whatever I leave behind is getting thrown out (unless he wants it) and (2) I was getting clothes, etc to donate to Salvation Army (mostly from the unfinished basement). There is so much clothing there and I wanted to donate it to, rather than have him throw it out. I had a tendency to be a hoarder.

 

Oh, believe me, that was my last time going to that house. I have all that I want except for my jewelry. My son is picking it up today. There is a complete gym in the basement which he uses and will get the jewelry when he leaves. I left the jewelry because I wanted to get it insured and I thought it would be safer there for now.

 

I am moved out. I was going back for more delicate things but that's done too. I was packing clothes to donate to Salvation Army. He'll just wind up throwing it out and I felt bad about that when there are people who can use that stuff.

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I am moved out. I was going back for more delicate things but that's done too. I was packing clothes to donate to Salvation Army. He'll just wind up throwing it out and I felt bad about that when there are people who can use that stuff.

 

Are those donatable clothes worth your mental health?

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I would think it's not that surprising he is having sex with someone else since you two split up primarily over sex issues.

 

Maybe that woman is willing to do the things that bothered you.

 

Yes, better her than me. No regrets or argument there. But, he could have told me not to go that day (I text him prior to going; usually he's at work). We had agreed that we would make a joint effort to get it ready for professional cleaning and then put it on the market. Legally, that is still my residence since the house is not on the market yet. It has my name on it and his. He should have been a bit morediscreet. He could do as he wishes but he didn't have to be so brazen about it.

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Yes, better her than me. No regrets or argument there. But, he could have told me not to go that day (I text him prior to going; usually he's at work). We had agreed that we would make a joint effort to get it ready for professional cleaning and then put it on the market. Legally, that is still my residence since the house is not on the market yet. It has my name on it and his. He should have been a bit morediscreet. He could do as he wishes but he didn't have to be so brazen about it.

 

Why?

 

You are operating on the assumption that an ex, even an ex husband, is required to ensure he takes your feelings into consideration. I think it would be wise to let that go. Even the most amicable exes aren't going to put their exes needs above their own (unless they aren't over them) Divorces aren't pretty. It sucks, it really does, but its reality.

 

Your wellbeing is your responsibility, not his.

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