Did I really up beyong repair or is she exaggerating?

Ok so this is going to be quite a long story.

I have been with this girl for about 4 years, on and off on and off. She broke up with me last time because I was having a relapse (Depression) and she couldn't understand why I'm so "Negative" and or living in a bubble and so on. and I was too weak to fight for her as in my head as a depressive of course I thought "I'm not good enough, I will never make her happy, she is better off without me". So I let her go.

I explained later on over and over and over that I am sorry. I wasn't selfish, It actually was more selfless than anything I let her go when she dumped me and didn't try to get her back or anything. Yet, at every possible occasion, she would throw the whole "Where were you when my father was dying", not understanding that I was killing myself trying to be there for her until I couldn't anymore because I was ill myself and I believed that she is disgusted by how weak I am and that she's better off without someone useless like me because at that time it was like I'm on a treadmill, I am running but I'm actually not moving from my place and I wasn't helping her in an way.

Several months ago, she got really messed up. Drunk called me, and Of course I went running to her and stayed up all night taking care of her. And I stuck by her side tolerated all the crap, till I got her to quit drinking, go back to gym and pull her together. Step by Step, we somehow got back together. but she refuses to admit we are together as she likes to say "It freaks me out", so I never tried to re-open the subject with her and just living day by day. I once told her "I Love you" and she didn't reply back. I was quite hurt and I knew she is not willing to say it so I never tried to say it again. We do everything together but there is no mentioning that we are in an actual relationship. It's been almost 6 months but she somehow she freaks out at the topic so I try to be understanding that she thinks I abandoned her when she needed me the most so she doesn't trust that I won't do it again. Since then, I went back to therapy and fixed myself to be able to take care of her as if it was to make up for my past mistake even though it was something out of my control. I was ill (I am a bipolar 2 for the record).

So anyways, we had fight the other day, and she went through my phone for some reason, and she saw this online friend of mine has sent me a video, it is somehow of a sexual joke but I never really thought about it so for me it was fine it was just a joke but she flipped. started questioning everything I do and say. I tried to explain to her over and over it meant nothing it is just a joke but she started asking me questions and I keep telling her I did not ever date a guy I am gay AF I never even went out with the guy or had any sort of relationship but she dies not believe me. This goes for one reason, her EX who she was with for 7 years dumped her and got married so she has this trust issues. She keeps saying that I broke that trust and even though I don't think it is connected since I haven't exactly lied or cheated or whatever and I blocked the guy for her and even got my phones bill statement to her email so that she can see actually I literally don't talk to anyone except for her and my mom so she can understand that I didn't really think that guy meant anything by sending that joke or maybe I am too naïve to understand maybe he meant something else behind it.

I tried and I am trying, but she is picking fights at everything and I am a person with anxiety and I had 2 panic attacks within 2 weeks from her yelling at me and she is treating me like . Like literal and I take it but my anxiety is eating me up because I don't want to lose her again. She asked for time away, and when I gave her space she blew up saying I didn't even care to try. I am confused, I told her don't say stuff if you don't mean it I can't know what's in your head. So I am trying again and she is still picking fights with me saying she can't trust me anymore and it is not worth "trying" and she was better off before I cam back to her life and she does not think this can be fixed because she is brining up the history of all 4/5 years of mistakes I've done and how she does not want to go through that again. I am confused. She starting physical abuse, shoving, twisting my arm and me being me I try to be as understanding as possible that she is mad and hurt and bla bla bla so I let it slide. And now she won't talk to me telling me this time I actually mean I need time away. And I'm just not sure what to do.

Important fact: I never lied or cheated on her. But with her trust issues, she does not believe anything I say. It's like talking to wall.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I sent her flowers the other day and she was like "Thanks but no need to do this". I just don't know what to do

you could back off.

There are just so many red flags in the description of your relationship. I just cannot figure out why you still want to be together.

I will be straight with you adn say that this relationship is not going to work out. As much as you try to force it, as much as you are hopeful, it will not work out. There is so much toxicity here that I am surprised the very floor around you has not melted.

That you are an anxious and depressed person, your partner seems to set this off, and not sooth it.

So, my suggestion would be to walk away now, as it is not going to get better, if anything it is going to get worse and you will eventually walk away anyway. Go get yourself some therapy, and cut her out of your life before you both go entirely insane.

Well from your description there is both physical and emotional abuse from your partner here and in my opinion you definitely need to get out of this relationship. My partner has severe depression and anxiety and I support him and don't blame him for his mental illness. If she has no empathy towards your mental health issues then even just that in itself means it's not going to work out. Every person who has mental illness needs an understanding and accepting partner because if the partner doesn't get it and just puts blame on you, it makes the depression and anxiety even worse.

I was in a relationship with a woman for two years and it was a "yo-yo" make up/break up relationship until it broke up for good and we both found a much more suitable person. I think if a relationship is on and off for a number of years it's not healthy. Couples can have their problems as anyone does, but a relationship is supposed to be predominantly "on". The "on and off" nature means it's not really working but that the two people are probably just co-dependent.

To add to all that, if your so-called girlfriend doesn't even consider this a relationship, she has no leg to stand on to tell you not to speak to your male friends. She is extremely controlling and manipulative. She has no right to monitor your phone bill when you did nothing wrong and she can't even say this is a relationship or "I love you". This woman has no respect for you and if she is hitting you then you even have grounds to go to the police.

I very strongly suggest you cut all contact with her and delete on all forms of social media. Please continue your therapy. You are a victim of domestic abuse and you really need counseling.

Whoa! This is sort of the definition of a toxic relationship! Depression. Anxiety. Bipolar Disorder. Emotional abuse. Trust issues. Excessive drinking. Fighting and arguing. Drama. It has it all.

I would say that neither of you should be in a relationship and you should be working on your own problems. And you both definitely should not be in a relationship with each other. It's just makes everything worse. You need to get rid of the drama in your life and getting out of this relationship would bring more peace to you.

There are just so many red flags in the description of your relationship. I just cannot figure out why you still want to be together.

 

I will be straight with you adn say that this relationship is not going to work out. As much as you try to force it, as much as you are hopeful, it will not work out. There is so much toxicity here that I am surprised the very floor around you has not melted.

 

That you are an anxious and depressed person, your partner seems to set this off, and not sooth it.

 

So, my suggestion would be to walk away now, as it is not going to get better, if anything it is going to get worse and you will eventually walk away anyway. Go get yourself some therapy, and cut her out of your life before you both go entirely insane.

"There is so much toxicity here that I am surprised the very floor around you has not melted" has to be my favorite part about your reply it actually made me laugh so thank you for that! and yes I agree. She does not help in anyway to sooth it but rather set it off, especially my anxiety.

She does not understand how it is. Sometimes I freeze unable to do anything because I am scared and she does the whole "you didn't even try you're just making excuses". and I get really tired of explaining my head.

Well from your description there is both physical and emotional abuse from your partner here and in my opinion you definitely need to get out of this relationship. My partner has severe depression and anxiety and I support him and don't blame him for his mental illness. If she has no empathy towards your mental health issues then even just that in itself means it's not going to work out. Every person who has mental illness needs an understanding and accepting partner because if the partner doesn't get it and just puts blame on you, it makes the depression and anxiety even worse.

 

I was in a relationship with a woman for two years and it was a "yo-yo" make up/break up relationship until it broke up for good and we both found a much more suitable person. I think if a relationship is on and off for a number of years it's not healthy. Couples can have their problems as anyone does, but a relationship is supposed to be predominantly "on". The "on and off" nature means it's not really working but that the two people are probably just co-dependent.

 

To add to all that, if your so-called girlfriend doesn't even consider this a relationship, she has no leg to stand on to tell you not to speak to your male friends. She is extremely controlling and manipulative. She has no right to monitor your phone bill when you did nothing wrong and she can't even say this is a relationship or "I love you". This woman has no respect for you and if she is hitting you then you even have grounds to go to the police.

 

I very strongly suggest you cut all contact with her and delete on all forms of social media. Please continue your therapy. You are a victim of domestic abuse and you really need counseling.

That's sort of how I feel. The person I am with should be able to understand that I work on myself to be better but I can't always be at my best. It is really good to know that there are people out there who are like you, being supportive to their partners with mental illnesses. It's a bit of a hope for me.

It is because she does not understand how exhausting a mental illness is or what it does to you or affect your day-to-day life and decisions that I try to separate how I feel or hide a big part of what I really am and turn to my friends instead of her if I am down or I want to use my "dark humor" because they understand making jokes is the best coping mechanism and we end up laughing about it. It does not seem to me that she tries to understand it at all. I just keep getting blamed for being a "drama queen". It's exhausting that I have to swallow it and just accept the fact that she doesn't understand and I will just have to turn to my friends if I am unwell.