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Thread: He's left me... so confused

  1. #1
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    He's left me... so confused

    Hi all

    I'm really struggling with a new breakup..
    After a failed marriage of 17 yrs. That was abusive mentally. I met this amazing wonderful guy 3 months ago. We both fell madly in love,moved in together after 1 month. He suffers depression and decided to come off his meds. He has pushed me away saying he can't give me what I need, and I deserve better.

    I am madly in love with him. He is everything I could have ever hoped for in a partner and my heart is breaking. I know he loves me too that's the hard part.
    I believe this is all because he's come off the medication..

    But how do I support him or move on. He's not contacting me and I cannot make any sense of all this. Everything was wonderful before he stopped the meds. But how can I help if he doesn't want to talk to me.

    I don't want to give up on him. On us. But I'm.in so.much pain

  2. 07-03-2018, 05:32 PM

  3. #2
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    Oh, dear. You said one of the worst words you can say when writing here on ENA: Depression. This is a relationship killer on so many levels. When you're depressed, you don't care about anyone else. When you're on meds, you have no sex drive a lot of the time and the drugs even things out so you don't care too much about anything. And to move in only after one months of dating, ugh, what a red flag!

    Well, if you Google "living with someone with depression" you will get an idea on how to deal with a partner with depression. It's not easy. In some ways, you have to treat him like a child to try to get him back on meds, to go to his doctors' appointments, and to get his meds refilled. If he resists your efforts, you will have to think about saving yourself because depression is catchy and it can pull you down being with someone with this condition.

    And keep in mind, this is not about you, it's about him. If you can't be his rock, you need to move on.

  4. #3
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    I love him. And I'm prepared to be there to support him no matter what. I've dealt with depression myself in the past so I get what he's going through. I don't want to give up on him he's a wonderful person.

  5. #4
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    You don't say how long you stayed single after the divorce, but if it wasn't at least a year, you didn't give yourself enough time to get to a good place to move on to dating.

    With the new guy, mostly everyone is great at the beginning. Do not make major decisions with a new partner until you've known him at least a year. This gives you time to see him past the honeymoon period and to see how he treats you over the long run.

    It was his decision to stop his medication and who knows if that's the reason he has pulled away or not. If he cared enough to save the relationship, he would get back on the meds to give the relationship a shot, but he bailed instead. The fact that he broke up with you is all you need to know to move on. He's not a good risk for your heart to take him back if he decided you're a yo-yo and wanted to play with you again.

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  7. 07-03-2018, 05:47 PM

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    Thank you.. I appreciate the advice. I did wait before dating. And he's been in a similar position end of a marriage too.
    I know he loves me.. I don't doubt that..
    I want to have him in my life. I want a future with him

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    Thank you. I appreciate the hard truth

  10. #7
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    P.S. You love him after 90 days? At your age, you should know the difference between infatuation and love. Love takes time to grow. You've already suffered emotional abuse for 17 years. You've apparently grown used to this feeling, and are willing to, and even seeking it, in possibly another form. I was married to a man who suffered from depression. I had to walk on eggshells around him, he was angry and defensive and would isolate himself. When he decided to get on meds after I threatened divorce, he was wonderful to be with for many years until he decided to stop the meds, which I begged him not to, and he grew even worse than before and I divorced him.

    Women can be nurturers to their own detriment. Why are you leaping from the frying pan into the fire? Give yourself a break for once in your life. If you're not choosing a healthy partner, you need counseling and work on your self esteem, because only then will you have the ability to choose a partner wisely. We subconsciously choose who we think we deserve in life. You don't think much of yourself to put yourself through emotional abuse yet again.

  11. 07-03-2018, 05:54 PM

  12. #8
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Sarahhampson
    Thank you.. I appreciate the advice. I did wait before dating. And he's been in a similar position end of a marriage too.
    I know he loves me.. I don't doubt that..
    I want to have him in my life. I want a future with him
    Disappointingly, we don't always get what we want. It's gone very quickly for you two, he is probably super overwhelmed at this point. Depression medication unfortunately doesn't always work, he may have gone off them because they weren't helping or the side effects were unbearable. He may want time to be self-focused so he can deal with his mental health and well being.

    If you want to have him in your life, a future with him as you say, you need to back right off and let him come to you. Don't put any pressure on him to contact you, spend time with you, etc. Give him the space and support he needs to deal with what he is going through.

    Just know though... what you do now will set the tone for the rest of your relationship; if you hang on, you are implicitly letting him know that from this point forward, you will accept his pushing you away whenever he has a crisis in his life. It's entirely your call... if you stay, you are setting yourself up for a lot of difficult times ahead.

  13. #9
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    It might not be the depression at all, it could be that he felt far too much pressure early on. He might have felt it was too much too soon and couldn't do it.
    Even on here you are going on about being madly in love with him, etc.
    Maybe he felt that and felt it was too much.

    Do you have any idea how he is doing in other areas of his life now that he has stopped the medications? Has the depression returned?
    If he is still functioning and seems okay, then the above is more likely.

  14. #10
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    He claimed to be madly in love with me too. And showed it..

    I haven't contacted him either since he left. I'm respecting his decision.

    Im Not some crazy obsessed ex. I have more dignity and self respect than that...
    Last edited by Sarahhampson; 07-03-2018 at 07:43 PM.

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