He's left me... so confused

Hi all

I'm really struggling with a new breakup..

After a failed marriage of 17 yrs. That was abusive mentally. I met this amazing wonderful guy 3 months ago. We both fell madly in love,moved in together after 1 month. He suffers depression and decided to come off his meds. He has pushed me away saying he can't give me what I need, and I deserve better.

I am madly in love with him. He is everything I could have ever hoped for in a partner and my heart is breaking. I know he loves me too that's the hard part.

I believe this is all because he's come off the medication..

But how do I support him or move on. He's not contacting me and I cannot make any sense of all this. Everything was wonderful before he stopped the meds. But how can I help if he doesn't want to talk to me.

I don't want to give up on him. On us. But I'm.in so.much pain

Oh, dear. You said one of the worst words you can say when writing here on ENA: Depression. This is a relationship killer on so many levels. When you're depressed, you don't care about anyone else. When you're on meds, you have no sex drive a lot of the time and the drugs even things out so you don't care too much about anything. And to move in only after one months of dating, ugh, what a red flag!

Well, if you Google "living with someone with depression" you will get an idea on how to deal with a partner with depression. It's not easy. In some ways, you have to treat him like a child to try to get him back on meds, to go to his doctors' appointments, and to get his meds refilled. If he resists your efforts, you will have to think about saving yourself because depression is catchy and it can pull you down being with someone with this condition.

And keep in mind, this is not about you, it's about him. If you can't be his rock, you need to move on.

I love him. And I'm prepared to be there to support him no matter what. I've dealt with depression myself in the past so I get what he's going through. I don't want to give up on him he's a wonderful person.

You don't say how long you stayed single after the divorce, but if it wasn't at least a year, you didn't give yourself enough time to get to a good place to move on to dating.

With the new guy, mostly everyone is great at the beginning. Do not make major decisions with a new partner until you've known him at least a year. This gives you time to see him past the honeymoon period and to see how he treats you over the long run.

It was his decision to stop his medication and who knows if that's the reason he has pulled away or not. If he cared enough to save the relationship, he would get back on the meds to give the relationship a shot, but he bailed instead. The fact that he broke up with you is all you need to know to move on. He's not a good risk for your heart to take him back if he decided you're a yo-yo and wanted to play with you again.

Thank you.. I appreciate the advice. I did wait before dating. And he's been in a similar position end of a marriage too.

I know he loves me.. I don't doubt that..

I want to have him in my life. I want a future with him

Thank you. I appreciate the hard truth

P.S. You love him after 90 days? At your age, you should know the difference between infatuation and love. Love takes time to grow. You've already suffered emotional abuse for 17 years. You've apparently grown used to this feeling, and are willing to, and even seeking it, in possibly another form. I was married to a man who suffered from depression. I had to walk on eggshells around him, he was angry and defensive and would isolate himself. When he decided to get on meds after I threatened divorce, he was wonderful to be with for many years until he decided to stop the meds, which I begged him not to, and he grew even worse than before and I divorced him.

Women can be nurturers to their own detriment. Why are you leaping from the frying pan into the fire? Give yourself a break for once in your life. If you're not choosing a healthy partner, you need counseling and work on your self esteem, because only then will you have the ability to choose a partner wisely. We subconsciously choose who we think we deserve in life. You don't think much of yourself to put yourself through emotional abuse yet again.

Thank you.. I appreciate the advice. I did wait before dating. And he's been in a similar position end of a marriage too.

I know he loves me.. I don't doubt that..

I want to have him in my life. I want a future with him

Disappointingly, we don't always get what we want. It's gone very quickly for you two, he is probably super overwhelmed at this point. Depression medication unfortunately doesn't always work, he may have gone off them because they weren't helping or the side effects were unbearable. He may want time to be self-focused so he can deal with his mental health and well being.

If you want to have him in your life, a future with him as you say, you need to back right off and let him come to you. Don't put any pressure on him to contact you, spend time with you, etc. Give him the space and support he needs to deal with what he is going through.

Just know though... what you do now will set the tone for the rest of your relationship; if you hang on, you are implicitly letting him know that from this point forward, you will accept his pushing you away whenever he has a crisis in his life. It's entirely your call... if you stay, you are setting yourself up for a lot of difficult times ahead.

It might not be the depression at all, it could be that he felt far too much pressure early on. He might have felt it was too much too soon and couldn't do it.

Even on here you are going on about being madly in love with him, etc.

Maybe he felt that and felt it was too much.

Do you have any idea how he is doing in other areas of his life now that he has stopped the medications? Has the depression returned?

If he is still functioning and seems okay, then the above is more likely.

He claimed to be madly in love with me too. And showed it..

I haven't contacted him either since he left. I'm respecting his decision.

Im Not some crazy obsessed ex. I have more dignity and self respect than that...

It's easy to act that way three months in.

I understand. You desperately wanted this to work because it felt good after your previous bad marriage. But you leapt in too soon seeing him as your savior. That's too much pressure for an emotionally healthy person, let alone one who suffers from depression.

Now you know. Three months is way too soon to be making long term future plans with someone you barely know.

Do you have any idea how he is doing in other areas of his life now that he has stopped the medications? Has the depression returned?

P.S. You love him after 90 days? At your age, you should know the difference between infatuation and love. Love takes time to grow. You've already suffered emotional abuse for 17 years. You've apparently grown used to this feeling, and are willing to, and even seeking it, in possibly another form. I was married to a man who suffered from depression. I had to walk on eggshells around him, he was angry and defensive and would isolate himself. When he decided to get on meds after I threatened divorce, he was wonderful to be with for many years until he decided to stop the meds, which I begged him not to, and he grew even worse than before and I divorced him.

 

Women can be nurturers to their own detriment. Why are you leaping from the frying pan into the fire? Give yourself a break for once in your life. If you're not choosing a healthy partner, you need counseling and work on your self esteem, because only then will you have the ability to choose a partner wisely. We subconsciously choose who we think we deserve in life. You don't think much of yourself to put yourself through emotional abuse yet again.

Good advice.....

I don't know because all contact has been cut..

Unfortunately this is the problem, however you want to believe it's a problem medication will fix. He stated he "can't give you want you need", which sounds like he came to his senses and stopped the madness of this insta-relationship from happening and moved out. Slow down and don't grasp and cling this hard inviting random strangers to move in after 30 days. Process your divorce, get some therapy and learn to live alone and date slowly getting to know someone and employ healthier boundaries. This is not about his medication.

moved in together after 1 month.

What is the rush to move in together after only two months? I think most things that are this level of rushed rend to be a "crash and burn". Can't you get to know someone first and build the relationship before jumping into these kinds of commitments?

The whirlwind nature of this love, I'm sorry to say, speaks volumes of where both of you were overeager for this pretty new thing to be THE THING that solved EVERYTHING.

I'd posit a theory that part of why he went off his meds is that he thought he'd found a replacement drug in you/the relationship. And when the new drug failed to supply the high and faux-stability that it did in the first month he kind of combusted, and went into self-loathing/detachment mode. Because that's the thing about drug-seeking behavior, which is exactly what whirlwind romance is: the addict comes to resent the drug for losing its potency, which I think is where he is. You, meanwhile, are also scrambling for a hit of the feeling that has been lost.

That is A LOT of volatility.

I hear you saying you want to be with this man, have him in your life, whatever the cost. But I'd take a deep dive into your psyche and ask the hard questions of why you feel so magnetically drawn to someone who is rejecting you, incapable of giving you the emotional support and safety you deserve. You can have all the compassion in the world for his struggles, but it's already clear that dealing with them is denting your spirt rather than expanding it. Perhaps your difficult marriage has created some skewed wiring in what love should feel like, and what's required to sustain it—i.e. the work and effort of two people, not one.

Unfortunately this is the problem, however you want to believe it's a problem medication will fix. He stated he "can't give you want you need", which sounds like he came to his senses and stopped the madness of this insta-relationship from happening and moved out. Slow down and don't grasp and cling this hard inviting random strangers to move in after 30 days. Process your divorce, get some therapy and learn to live alone and date slowly getting to know someone and employ healthier boundaries. This is not about his medication.

I don't understand how one can move in with a stranger after a month. Scratching head.

Thank you everyone.... I see how sad and pathetic I seem now... Thank u all

Sarah, you're not sad and pathetic. You are looking for love, like all of us are. There is nothing wrong with that. But love takes time and it can't be thrown all together in one month.

If it is done in that manner, there can be problems and someone can be hurt. It really is a shame that you are the one that got hurt. YOU ARE NOT SAD AND PATHETIC.

It is just a learning curve.

In order to make sure that a relationship is stable and real, it should take a minimum of at least six months of dating before anyone mentions moving in or even consider if it's love for that matter.

A person should see all sides of someone (good and bad) before they can determine if what they have with them is real and is love. That takes a long time.

It can't be instant.

In fact, should you ever decide to date again, if your date pushes things fast like that or goes a million miles an hour consider it a major red flag (a bad thing).

You have every right to feel hurt. You wanted to believe in this relationship and you wanted to believe that it was real. Those are your feelings and they matter!

But perhaps you should also consider if possibly you were trying to replace a 17 year marriage with this man and needed a partner far quicker than what was healthy.

That might spell out the fact that you could benefit from counselling or therapy to fully heal from your divorce.

Don't beat yourself up, just give yourself time. Getting over a 17 year marriage is going to take some time. You need to heal fully first before you're ready to date seriously again.

Could this last man be having issues due to depression? Possibly, although how he acted looks shady, which is why we are all leaning towards him not being honest with you.

Also the fact that even if it is bad depression, you can't save him. He needs to save himself and get the help he needs. The help he needs won't be in woman form, but rather a doctor or medication form.

Only he can get himself better and if he decided to toss you due to being ill, that should also clearly spell out for you what you mean to him.

Yes, I realize that people with depression can push others away but if that is the case, there is nothing you can do about it except accept what is.

I think what's hurtful is that you don't seem to have gotten full closure, and yes, that's hard. But you can still choose to heal and move forward on your own.

You need to place yourself first now and concentrate on protecting your own heart, healing yourself and getting yourself stronger.

Change your focus and put yourself first.

In time, you can date again, (when you are ready) and I would bet it will be a much more healthy experience the next time around after you've healed.

Hang in there, keep us updated, you matter!

I saw him today to get my things and return his. He kissed me.. He's clearly so depressed and down. But I have taken all the advise and told him I will be there as his friend to help and support him because I care. If we are meant to be in time then we will be. And I'm taking time for me now.. But I will support him if I can. But i will put me 1st...

Yes, you need to!

Keep telling yourself that he is a grown man and he needs to make the choices to fix himself. No one can do that for him.

It doesn't feel great to be at someone's mercy, so please, (if you can) don't sit around waiting and hoping that he will show up and express dying love and want you back and so on.

I know it can be difficult to not imagine that and want that.

But for now, let it go best you can and move forward.

You truly do need to put yourself first.

Thank you sherrysher

I saw him today to get my things and return his. He kissed me.. He's clearly so depressed and down. But I have taken all the advise and told him I will be there as his friend to help and support him because I care. If we are meant to be in time then we will be. And I'm taking time for me now.. But I will support him if I can. But i will put me 1st...

You cannot be his friend if there are feelings.

You are not qualified to be his therapist. For your sake, and his, extricate yourself from this unhealthy situation. I suggest you also address your issue of co dependency.

Move on from this guy. He is a moment of your life.