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Thread: He's left me... so confused

  1. #11
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    It's easy to act that way three months in.

    I understand. You desperately wanted this to work because it felt good after your previous bad marriage. But you leapt in too soon seeing him as your savior. That's too much pressure for an emotionally healthy person, let alone one who suffers from depression.

    Now you know. Three months is way too soon to be making long term future plans with someone you barely know.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Do you have any idea how he is doing in other areas of his life now that he has stopped the medications? Has the depression returned?

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by Andrina
    P.S. You love him after 90 days? At your age, you should know the difference between infatuation and love. Love takes time to grow. You've already suffered emotional abuse for 17 years. You've apparently grown used to this feeling, and are willing to, and even seeking it, in possibly another form. I was married to a man who suffered from depression. I had to walk on eggshells around him, he was angry and defensive and would isolate himself. When he decided to get on meds after I threatened divorce, he was wonderful to be with for many years until he decided to stop the meds, which I begged him not to, and he grew even worse than before and I divorced him.

    Women can be nurturers to their own detriment. Why are you leaping from the frying pan into the fire? Give yourself a break for once in your life. If you're not choosing a healthy partner, you need counseling and work on your self esteem, because only then will you have the ability to choose a partner wisely. We subconsciously choose who we think we deserve in life. You don't think much of yourself to put yourself through emotional abuse yet again.
    Good advice.....

  4. #14
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    I don't know because all contact has been cut..

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately this is the problem, however you want to believe it's a problem medication will fix. He stated he "can't give you want you need", which sounds like he came to his senses and stopped the madness of this insta-relationship from happening and moved out. Slow down and don't grasp and cling this hard inviting random strangers to move in after 30 days. Process your divorce, get some therapy and learn to live alone and date slowly getting to know someone and employ healthier boundaries. This is not about his medication.
    Originally Posted by Sarahhampson
    moved in together after 1 month.

  7. #16
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    What is the rush to move in together after only two months? I think most things that are this level of rushed rend to be a "crash and burn". Can't you get to know someone first and build the relationship before jumping into these kinds of commitments?

  8. #17
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    The whirlwind nature of this love, I'm sorry to say, speaks volumes of where both of you were overeager for this pretty new thing to be THE THING that solved EVERYTHING.

    I'd posit a theory that part of why he went off his meds is that he thought he'd found a replacement drug in you/the relationship. And when the new drug failed to supply the high and faux-stability that it did in the first month he kind of combusted, and went into self-loathing/detachment mode. Because that's the thing about drug-seeking behavior, which is exactly what whirlwind romance is: the addict comes to resent the drug for losing its potency, which I think is where he is. You, meanwhile, are also scrambling for a hit of the feeling that has been lost.

    That is A LOT of volatility.

    I hear you saying you want to be with this man, have him in your life, whatever the cost. But I'd take a deep dive into your psyche and ask the hard questions of why you feel so magnetically drawn to someone who is rejecting you, incapable of giving you the emotional support and safety you deserve. You can have all the compassion in the world for his struggles, but it's already clear that dealing with them is denting your spirt rather than expanding it. Perhaps your difficult marriage has created some skewed wiring in what love should feel like, and what's required to sustain iti.e. the work and effort of two people, not one.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Unfortunately this is the problem, however you want to believe it's a problem medication will fix. He stated he "can't give you want you need", which sounds like he came to his senses and stopped the madness of this insta-relationship from happening and moved out. Slow down and don't grasp and cling this hard inviting random strangers to move in after 30 days. Process your divorce, get some therapy and learn to live alone and date slowly getting to know someone and employ healthier boundaries. This is not about his medication.
    I don't understand how one can move in with a stranger after a month. Scratching head.

  10. #19
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    Thank you everyone.... I see how sad and pathetic I seem now... Thank u all

  11. #20
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Sarah, you're not sad and pathetic. You are looking for love, like all of us are. There is nothing wrong with that. But love takes time and it can't be thrown all together in one month.
    If it is done in that manner, there can be problems and someone can be hurt. It really is a shame that you are the one that got hurt. YOU ARE NOT SAD AND PATHETIC.
    It is just a learning curve.
    In order to make sure that a relationship is stable and real, it should take a minimum of at least six months of dating before anyone mentions moving in or even consider if it's love for that matter.
    A person should see all sides of someone (good and bad) before they can determine if what they have with them is real and is love. That takes a long time.
    It can't be instant.
    In fact, should you ever decide to date again, if your date pushes things fast like that or goes a million miles an hour consider it a major red flag (a bad thing).

    You have every right to feel hurt. You wanted to believe in this relationship and you wanted to believe that it was real. Those are your feelings and they matter!
    But perhaps you should also consider if possibly you were trying to replace a 17 year marriage with this man and needed a partner far quicker than what was healthy.
    That might spell out the fact that you could benefit from counselling or therapy to fully heal from your divorce.

    Don't beat yourself up, just give yourself time. Getting over a 17 year marriage is going to take some time. You need to heal fully first before you're ready to date seriously again.

    Could this last man be having issues due to depression? Possibly, although how he acted looks shady, which is why we are all leaning towards him not being honest with you.
    Also the fact that even if it is bad depression, you can't save him. He needs to save himself and get the help he needs. The help he needs won't be in woman form, but rather a doctor or medication form.
    Only he can get himself better and if he decided to toss you due to being ill, that should also clearly spell out for you what you mean to him.
    Yes, I realize that people with depression can push others away but if that is the case, there is nothing you can do about it except accept what is.

    I think what's hurtful is that you don't seem to have gotten full closure, and yes, that's hard. But you can still choose to heal and move forward on your own.
    You need to place yourself first now and concentrate on protecting your own heart, healing yourself and getting yourself stronger.
    Change your focus and put yourself first.

    In time, you can date again, (when you are ready) and I would bet it will be a much more healthy experience the next time around after you've healed.
    Hang in there, keep us updated, you matter!

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