Is it wrong to eliminate my brother from my life?

So my brother is definitely not the nice person i grew up with. He has turned into a violent, abusive, hard drinking, angry person whom i want nothing to do with. He neglects and starves his kid, he condescends my parents, he blows up about the most trivial things. All he cares about is getting rich and ironically is in so much debt pretending to be rich. I just can't bring myself to sit in the same room as a child abuser (yes social services have already been to his house). But my parents keep pretending like nothing is wrong and tell me to do the same. As i get older i am making a point to eliminate the crappy people from my life. So why should he be an exception. I haven't spoken to him in a year and now i am 'obligated' to go to my mother's retirement/bday party with the whole family at his house! He will be there which is stressing me out for weeks now. His wife is racist towards my filipino wife and hates kids just as much as he does. I really despise these two and don't see why i have to make an appearance just to satisfy status quo. Please help

I would keep calling social services for the sake of that child and not bother with your brother. When I was being starved and neglected and physically and sexually abused no one called social services for me . Please keep doing the right thing it is very vital .

Take her out for this before the party and make it a great celebration for her. Tell her you and your wife can't attend the party because of other pressing obligations. Do not bring up the brother and keep strong to delete creepy people/relatives from your life.

now i am 'obligated' to go to my mother's retirement/bday party with the whole family at his house.

Take your mom out on a seperate celebration. Don't go to your brothers house.

It's sad. I'm sorry you are in this situation. Unfortunately there will always be those people who prefer denial to reality, and you can't force someone to stop their enabling. What you can do is stand firm in your own self - we have your back.

Nope. Its never wrong to eliminate toxic people from your life to protect your own mental health and stability.

I would say to go, greet all the family members. Warmly congratulate your mother. Say hello to your brother, and then stay away from him while you're at the party and use an excuse to leave the party early. If he starts picking on you or your Filipino wife, then you have the perfect reason to leave the party! But that way you meet your obligation.

There is no reason for you to feel guilty about cutting your brother from your life. You are under no obligation to engage with someone who is violent, abusive, and toxic, regardless of who he is. If you really don't feel comfortable going to your mother's party, that's totally understandable; if there is any way you CAN go, support your mother and keep your distance from your brother, it might be worth doing, but if you really feel you can't, offer your sincerest apologies to your mother and invite her to lunch or dinner to celebrate her retirement separate from her party.

I have a relative who sounds exactly like your brother -- minus the kid, but pretty much everything else is the same (violent, angry, in deep debt and has lost every job he's ever had because of awful behavior, etc.) -- and I refuse to speak to him or even be anywhere that he is (as do my mom and sister). He is the ONLY close family member on both sides of my family who is not invited to my upcoming wedding. I invited his parents and sisters, and I have made it 100% clear to my family that he is NOT welcome; if that means his parents and/or sisters decide not to come, so be it. (I suspect they will be there, regardless, but if they decide they can't be, I'm not going to lose sleep).

As another poster suggested, do keep looking out for your brother's child, regardless of whether or not you see/speak to your brother. If you observe or hear about any abuse, don't hesitate to report it.

You can choose your friends but you cant choose your relatives. I cut my brother out of my life as he was verbally and mentally abusive to me. For a guy with a PhD in psychology I expected better of him but didnt get it. So, of course you can cut your brother from your life. Take mom out for a celebration before his party, and tell her you won't be going to his house. Try not to let it escalate into an argument. There's no valid reason to have toxic people in your life.

Also keep calling social services about the child if warranted.

If someone behaves in a manner that you would find unacceptable if they were NOT related to you...why should you have to put up with them just because you share DNA?

I certainly hope your parents are not laying a guilt trip on you for not wanting your brother in your life. He is their child, which complicates things. But he's not yours.

I cut out a few very close family members (including my deadbeat "father") and life is peaceful without having to deal with their BS.

I agree with the suggestion to take Mom out to a separate dinner. Mom, Dad, you, your wife and kids...have a really nice time.

So in your post there isn't actually anything specifically that your brother is doing to you, just the people around you. If your parents are competent then their relationship with your brother is their business. If he wants to pretend he is rich but has a lot of debt, well let him, not your concern. His relationship with his kid, if there are any issues, well that is really for social services to deal with. If you care about your parents, there really isn't any real reason not to go to the retirement party and support them. To me your post reads like placing too great a concern about things that really aren't your business. There is no need to be close to your brother, but making a special point out of not attending a family event that really isn't about your brother but your parents probably creates more issues than there needs to be. The fact that you are so stressed out about this speaks to something else maybe?

well just an update...in the end i decided to go for a couple of reasons. To support my mother and to see if my brother and his wife are still the same despicable people. There wasn't any drama as i avoided them the entire time. I only spoke to my brother about his garden and that was it. But my wife and i did notice every time my wife was alone with the kids (who confide in her a lot) the step mother would hover around to make sure the kids weren't telling her anything. So all she could get out of them was their parents were yelling all the time. I have called social services before but they tell me because i don't witness anything then not much can be done. I am glad its over but still upset because those kids have such horrible parents who put on such a show for everyone. On social media they seem like the perfect happy family. But not many people know what is really going on. Sigh...

my brother is abusing his kids! and that's none of my business? are you kidding me. Get off this message board you idiot.

If you are concerned about your nieces/nephews, tell them to tell teachers if 'stuff happens' at home. Teachers are mandatory reporters and can conference with the real mother and your brother. CPS can't do much with hearsay.

So all she could get out of them was their parents were yelling all the time. I have called social services before but they tell me because i don't witness anything then not much can be done.

my brother is abusing his kids! and that's none of my business? are you kidding me. Get off this message board you idiot.

I really don't know one way or another whether this is the case, there doesn't really seem to be anyone else in the family or friends from what I can tell who seem to acknowledge any of this, and his relationship with his brother seems to be in deeply emotional bad place. It is perfectly reasonable to report any illegal activity to the authorities in fact it is a civic duty, but it ends there. The OP really isn't in a position to do anything more, and could make things worse. Most of the other things really don't concern him. According to the update, it would seem that the OP can do these family events without causing any real drama, and that for now is a good goal to shoot for. I know it is easier said than done but over obsessing about this really isn't doing anyone any good.

The title of this thread hints at the dynamic that likely runs through the whole family - the drama of all or nothing thinking, the desire to control forces other than our own.

OP,

You do not need to eliminate your brother from your life, and if you do , those kids will have even fewer resources. You also do not need to invite your brother into your life. Maintain a neutral, distant posture, and minimize opportunities to overlap Also, share very little of your personal life with your family, so that you don't burden them with having to withhold information to protect your boundaries.

Notice that what you are doing is an act of self containment, much as you did at the recent family gathering.

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You aren't eliminating anyone. You ARE calibrating your own involvement so that you can remain unflappable.

my brother is abusing his kids! and that's none of my business? are you kidding me. Get off this message board you idiot.

There is nothing you can do without proof. If you want to help those kids vs just stir up trouble, why not invite the kids over or if they won't let the kids stay the night or go somewhere with you, propose that you all meet at the zoo or something -- that way you can stay in the children's lives and as the adults see that you are not just hovering and waiting to report them for something, they might ease up and let you take them once in awhile (don't push that, just see what happens over time) when they get to trust you more with them. Seeing the brother once a year and then looking for some reason to report them to social services does not help the kids at all.

So decide whether you want to carry a big chip on your shoulder and try to watch your brother to wait for him to slip up and hover like a vulture or you try to have a relationship with the kids that is acceptable to him.

And, to echo - no, you can't rescue the kids, not the way you mean. That, again is all or nothing thinking.

Instead, think about making incremental change. Small acts accumulate over time and change lives in dramatic ways. Dramatic acts stir up a lot of activity, but often leave no lasting impact.

Consider parents who hit their children and belittle them. Their children still want that parental attachment. The best situation of all - and unlikely - would be for the parents to want and to receive some support and skill building coaching. Emotional skills can be taught, and parenting is underpinned in scientific research. Parents who are open to changing can and will do so, because they want to.

You can't make them, and the law has limits. What YOU can do is create opportunities for the kids to escape to a safe haven. Kids and teens escape all the time, often in self destructive ways. If you have the skills to provide them with a safe way to relax (not laze), they may keep those experiences in their minds as something to reach for when they grow up enough to move out. Take them hiking, share a weekly art "class", have an homework session with you giving one on one support for each, and then go race each other around a track at a local school (or down the sidewalk, or...).

Relax about judging your sib and sib-in-law. Their perfect facade tells you so much about them, how inadequate they feel without the facade. How can they love each other or their kids, when they each find themselves so unworthy?

Its sad, OP, have compassion. They are hurting others, and that is deeply sad. The kids are learning self-hate same as you both did. You can't exert your will upon the parents (or the kids) but you can work towards a weekly uncle outing.

Along the way you will find out you do not need to be the hero. You can love yourself without acting as "the white knight". Similarly, your brother doesn't need to be the perfect yuppie - maybe he will find a way to love himself the way he is, as is, in imperfect condition.

I hope you both find that beautiful gift as you go sown this road

If those kids truly are being abused, all they will learn from seeing you show up and disappear again is that adults in life know what is happening but do nothing.

There were these kids in the community I grew up in that were close to my age. They were being abused - they were neglected, starved, mentally abused, physically abused, sexually abused.

They came to school dirty, not properly clothed, and they misbehaved.

One time I was at their house, and there were 6 of us . The mother watered down one can of soup for all of us.

I told my parents. I guess people had noticed things before that, including them stealing old food from the garbage from the one grocery store we had.

So people knew, the school knew- nothing.

My parents reported it . They spent lots of time at our house after that while things were happening with child services.

There is a lot more to the story but thry kept in touch with my mom off and on through the years and they still touch base with my brother and myself. There were 5 kids total.

Two had ran away at that point ( as teens), the younger ones couldn't do that so that's how it was.

The eldest is on disability for life due to all the damage she suffered as a kid. Physical, sexual, mental damage.

The boy my age, tragically, committed suicide in his 20s.

Only the very youngest had any sort of ok life at all.

My point is, if you know for fact a child is being abused, to show up like life is fine to 'support ' some show of face , I'm sorry, I can't agree with that. And I can't agree with shrugging the shoulders, hoping it will all turn out, you'll be supporting cast but not really put in the effort to do whatever it takes to get those kids out of that environment, because for most kids, by the time anything is actually done, it's too damn late.

I don't believe it's ok to stand back, hope the parents take parenting classes, then the kids are right back with them. Being abused again.

You also can't say legal limits stop you from protecting them, because the law is there to keep kids safe. If that isn't happening, someone isn't doing their job, and there are follow up actions that can be taken. You can be like a dog on a bone, if it's important enough. Most of the time , it's just overworked social workers who need to be hounded to do what is right.

If no one has witnessed abuse, you are just sounding like a guy who doesn't like his brother. You are allowed to not like your brother, but him being gross and him being abusive are very different things.

And I can't, for the life of me, understand a person who knows abuse is happening , but who'd voluntarily hang around that person just to fill obligatory face. That would be really cruel.

So is he an abuser or no?