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Alone, longing and everything feels ever so pointless


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Hi guys

 

I decided to take a break for a good few days from the site. I felt I was not helping myself, and well...I felt like an annoyance.

 

Sadly I'm not feeling good at all.... I thought I had done so well over the past 6 months. I'm adapting to a single life without my Grandfather (I called him Dad) who I'd lived with since I left music college in 2008 until he passed away last August. The ex who I met in October who finished it days after christmas has been on my mind but things have hit a low these last few days.

 

I think I suffer from anxiety to some extent....and that brings me to the current situation.

 

The house next door has been empty for a year, but it looks like new neighbours are moving in, similar age to me.....but I feel physically sick about it, I always look for the negative and I'm worried what they are going to be like (silly I know).

 

With this all on my mind I thought about the ex, and so wished that we were still together..... I felt like I had purpose again where as now I've got nothing. I feel so alone. I was so close today to sending her a message, but what's the point. She doesn't want me, and I'll just be rejected again.

 

If it wasn't for my wonderful border collie who I adore, I'm not sure I would be here.....she's the only thing giving me purpose.

 

I don't expect wonderful words of wisdom (although they are welcome), I just needed somewhere to say how I feel. I keep breaking down in tears, even the focus of my weight loss isn't helping (I've now lost 14 pounds, which I know is great).

 

As much as I wish I was with her/ or maybe just in a relationship....I know I'm in no fit position to be with anyone.

 

Sorry for rambling, and sorry again about posting here.

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Hi, you are no nuisance ! It's very difficult to deal with grief and you've endured two loses in a row. I won't ramble on about depressing things about how you aren't alone etc and instead give you some helpful tips from someone who has been in the same emotional state as you in the past.

You mentioned you went to music college - that's amazing; have you thought about focusing on your music in whatever capacity this may be? I'm sure your grandfather would be so proud of you to channel these feelings into your craft.

With your neighbours; you may find some good friendships there - think about it. However, you will only create a relationship with these people if you speak to them and don't avoid them. They're probably nervous about moving to a new place and seeing someone their own age will probably make them feel a bit more at ease.

I would suggest finding a counsellor - sometimes it takes a few tries to find the one that is right for you, but a counsellor can help you move through your loses in a positive way, build your confidence, and lower your anxiety. You have a lot to live for - life is yours to do with whatever you want.

You're not alone in the way you feel and from your message you seem like a wonderful person. I would perhaps try to avoid the more 'unhappy' posts or forums, as I know when I was depressed and feeling low I seemed to make it worse by looking up and reading things that actually reinforced my negative and upsetting thoughts rather than helped me move forward.

I highly suggest a counsellor for the time being; I've had one and she was so helpful and I am much happier for it. --BigSis

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Sorry to hear you're going through this. Based off what you posted, I can relate. The good thing is you realize contacting her would set you back more. So, all you have to do is look forward. Aside from your ex and/or a relationship, what do you want out of life? Do you have a bucket list? Any places you want to see? Hobbies you want to pick up? Things you want to experience? I have one and I often reference it when I'm feeling down and out. I make plans to cross things off. It's silly/cheesy but it does help. Next on my list is learning to fence, getting a tattoo, watching the top 100 AFI movies of all time and learning how to brew beer.

 

Sounds like you're already doing the exercise thing which is good. Are you going to counseling? On any meds?

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Hi, you are no nuisance ! It's very difficult to deal with grief and you've endured two loses in a row. I won't ramble on about depressing things about how you aren't alone etc and instead give you some helpful tips from someone who has been in the same emotional state as you in the past.

You mentioned you went to music college - that's amazing; have you thought about focusing on your music in whatever capacity this may be? I'm sure your grandfather would be so proud of you to channel these feelings into your craft.

With your neighbours; you may find some good friendships there - think about it. However, you will only create a relationship with these people if you speak to them and don't avoid them. They're probably nervous about moving to a new place and seeing someone their own age will probably make them feel a bit more at ease.

I would suggest finding a counsellor - sometimes it takes a few tries to find the one that is right for you, but a counsellor can help you move through your loses in a positive way, build your confidence, and lower your anxiety. You have a lot to live for - life is yours to do with whatever you want.

You're not alone in the way you feel and from your message you seem like a wonderful person. I would perhaps try to avoid the more 'unhappy' posts or forums, as I know when I was depressed and feeling low I seemed to make it worse by looking up and reading things that actually reinforced my negative and upsetting thoughts rather than helped me move forward.

I highly suggest a counsellor for the time being; I've had one and she was so helpful and I am much happier for it. --BigSis

 

Thanks BigSis (feels funny saying that as I'm an only child!)

I agree regarding the counsellor, because I really do not feel I'm coping that well. I throw myself into things (hobbies) and my current escapism is Marvel Movies, and collecting Marvel figures.... they aren't cheap mind so it's an expensive coping mechanism!

 

Regarding the music (thanks too for your kind words on that), it's my profession, I'm a violin teacher and I've literally just finished teaching until September now. I've a gig coming up at the end of the month which is good.

 

You are right regarding the neighbours, my other neighbours overheard them and said she was rather loud, and coupled to that I've bee worrying if they start causing issues with parking....again I'm just being incredibly negative, and not looking at the positives.

 

I think everything is connected regarding this grief.... I miss companionship, and just want someone to hold me in their arms and embrace me..... and it's that emptiness I'm feeling at the moment......and the fact I'm admitting I'm not ready to even consider meeting someone, hurts all the more because that companionship I'm longing for seems so far out of reach.... I realise I'm being rather selfish.

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Sorry to hear you're going through this. Based off what you posted, I can relate. The good thing is you realize contacting her would set you back more. So, all you have to do is look forward. Aside from your ex and/or a relationship, what do you want out of life? Do you have a bucket list? Any places you want to see? Hobbies you want to pick up? Things you want to experience? I have one and I often reference it when I'm feeling down and out. I make plans to cross things off. It's silly/cheesy but it does help. Next on my list is learning to fence, getting a tattoo, watching the top 100 AFI movies of all time and learning how to brew beer.

 

Sounds like you're already doing the exercise thing which is good. Are you going to counseling? On any meds?

 

Hey CB!

I was really close to messaging her, but realised the rejection would hurt more, and to hear she maybe seeing someone....would break me!

 

I just feel no incentive regarding doing things other than the weight loss and the gym....I have this goal to end up looking like Chris Evans, I think it's achievable, but deep down I know it isn't going to make me dateable......I've loathed how I've looked for years, and when she finished with me....it just made all those loathsome feelings return.

 

I'm going to see about counselling.

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Hey CB!

I was really close to messaging her, but realised the rejection would hurt more, and to hear she maybe seeing someone....would break me!

 

I just feel no incentive regarding doing things other than the weight loss and the gym....I have this goal to end up looking like Chris Evans, I think it's achievable, but deep down I know it isn't going to make me dateable......I've loathed how I've looked for years, and when she finished with me....it just made all those loathsome feelings return.

 

I'm going to see about counselling.

 

Hey, that's a start! Baby steps! You are right. There is no point in going back and getting hurt more. Emotions are still too high. Besides, groveling looks weak and it will reinforce that she shouldn't be with you. You need to ignore her in every way possible. It's the only way you get a happy ending.

 

If you're situation was anything like mine you were codependent in the relationship and relied on that as your happiness. Now that you don't have it, you feel depressed because you are alone and thinking nothing else matters. Well the good news is that's just temporary. And if you get help, you'll be back on track in no time. You've probably heard me say all this before but I will stress them again as it's the only way you'll get through this:

 

-I found seeing a therapist helped tremendously. I had to shop around for a bit but found this lady that happens to be wired exactly how I am. It's fun/helpful to take personality tests. I've taken a couple of the big ones so far. And it helps to discuss your results with them. Helps you realize there is nothing wrong with you, you're just wired differently than your ex and that's ok.

 

-Getting on medication helped tremendously (not for everyone) but it did help me anyways. I found that part of my problem was my ADD and not so much depression. Was treated for that and it makes things so much easier. I can focus on more positive tasks and doesn't leave a lot of head space to obsess.

 

-Gym/Diet/Sleep can't be stressed enough but seems like your'e on the right track there. Be sure to take multi-vitamins and you're sleeping for at least 8 hours a day.

 

-Reading can sometimes help. I feel so much better after I read a book regarding break-ups, codependency, jealously, depression etc. etc.

 

-Journaling is always good. Be sure to be writing down what you're grateful for. Journaling is also a great place to focus on your negative thoughts and figure out how they're not serving you productively. Journaling also helps you keep track of your progress

 

-Family and friends are of course key. I know it sucks but you have to force yourself to get out of the house and socialize. It doesn't matter who it is. Heck, go on Meetup.com and find some new friends

 

-Bucket list is always good but you may not be there yet. Always good to think of new hobbies and places to travel. I just took up painting and while I suck at it, I actually look forward to being home by myself and doing it. Something peaceful about just mixing the colors and painting all my emotions

 

That's about all I have for advice. Truth is none of the things above will make the pain and emotions go away. They just help fast track the healing process. You're going to have to fight through them using a combination of methods. Just remember to be kind to yourself and keep pushing through. The end goal here is for you to be happy with yourself. Be happy being alone and enjoying life. Once you have that energy, it'll start attracting the right people to your life...romantic and otherwise.

 

In the meantime, we're all here for you. Post when you need.

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Thanks CB!

I don't think I'm getting enough sleep for one, although that changes now I'm coming to the end of finishing work for the summer.

 

I use to enjoy drawing, so maybe I should start drawing some Marvel characters for fun! That's a good idea I'll have to try!

 

Family is an issue, there is only my Mum really, and she was never a role model. She comes over once a month with her fella (not her husband) and it always feels like an excuse so they can see each other. Certainly doesn't help the way I'm feeling.

 

Friends, mostly keep in touch via Facebook, and I've mentioned I live very rurally, but I think that shows I need to try a bit harder!

 

Meeting 'her' when I did, certainly helped in the wake of my Dad's death....but ultimately, I know I wasn't 100% sold on her, but I felt I had no other choice....it was my only way to feel like a family. We did have a lot of common interests, and I did enjoy her company but like you I think I was codependent.

 

I agree that to message her would just look weak....I had just hoped by now, 6 months in that I would be feeling like I was really getting over her, where as instead I feel like I've regressed months.

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Thanks CB!

I don't think I'm getting enough sleep for one, although that changes now I'm coming to the end of finishing work for the summer.

 

I use to enjoy drawing, so maybe I should start drawing some Marvel characters for fun! That's a good idea I'll have to try!

 

Family is an issue, there is only my Mum really, and she was never a role model. She comes over once a month with her fella (not her husband) and it always feels like an excuse so they can see each other. Certainly doesn't help the way I'm feeling.

 

Friends, mostly keep in touch via Facebook, and I've mentioned I live very rurally, but I think that shows I need to try a bit harder!

 

Meeting 'her' when I did, certainly helped in the wake of my Dad's death....but ultimately, I know I wasn't 100% sold on her, but I felt I had no other choice....it was my only way to feel like a family. We did have a lot of common interests, and I did enjoy her company but like you I think I was codependent.

 

I agree that to message her would just look weak....I had just hoped by now, 6 months in that I would be feeling like I was really getting over her, where as instead I feel like I've regressed months.

 

That's the spirit! You still enjoying drawing, man. You're emotions are just clouding everything right now. It's perfectly normal. Figure out the stuff you used to enjoy prior to meeting her. Check out new hobbies. Drone flying? Collection of some sort? Learn an instrument? Force yourself to do whatever you can to try and distract yourself. You'll eventually start finding enjoyment again.

 

Ok, so part of the problem is that you don't have a support network. I lived in another city awhile back and went through the worst breakup of my life...I had 0 friends and family lived far away. So, I do understand that. That makes it so much worse. So, part of your goals could be making new friends or working to move to a new area. I don't know your situation but either are doable if you break them down into baby steps. In the meantime, make finding a therapist priority #1. You need to talk to someone about all this that can help you.

 

And if you weren't 100% sold on her then there you go. Just from listening to you talk, it seems you have a strong inner self. You need to listen to that voice. Something told you she wasn't the one but you went through with it anyways. You unintentionally used her to cope with your depression. No wonder it didn't work...how is that fair to her or you? See this as blessing in disguise. You are starting a new chapter in your life where you're going to beat this thing, improve yourself, and get the life you want and deserve!

 

Also, not sure how long you dated but 6 months isn't a long time. There is no formula for how long it takes to get over someone. I dated a girl for a year and it took me 3 years to get over her. I dated a girl for 3 years and it took me about 2 weeks to get over her. Also grief isn't linear so you'll have your good times and bad times. Just ride it out and in time you'll realize you just missed the relationship and not her.

 

Time to start climbing out of the rabbit hole my Mr. Chris Evans! There are friends out there for you, there is a special someone out there for you, there are amazing memories to be had, there are many amazing places to visit, many amazing things to do....why keep yourself from that longer than you have to? Only live once.

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Hey DB* ~ It's 2am here but just wanted to drop a quick note....

 

Firstly, good on you for not sending any messages....There is strength in you yet young Jedi*

 

Maybe one day down the track when you truly don't care anymore, but yes if you do it now whilst still in the fire, it will only burn you again*

 

Secondly, please don't apologize for writing or venting here...That shows that you feel some sort of guilt for feeling the way you do..and really you shouldn't...

 

I'm 8 months out now and still cry almost every day at least once, and nuts to what anyone thinks about that....

 

Who wrote the rule book on how long it should take to heal...??

 

So long as we keep putting one foot in front of the other then we are trying our best yeh?

 

Abandonment grief is a special type of grief......

 

Be Strong. Be Patient*

 

Carus*

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Hey DB* ~ It's 2am here but just wanted to drop a quick note....

 

Firstly, good on you for not sending any messages....There is strength in you yet young Jedi*

 

Maybe one day down the track when you truly don't care anymore, but yes if you do it now whilst still in the fire, it will only burn you again*

 

Secondly, please don't apologize for writing or venting here...That shows that you feel some sort of guilt for feeling the way you do..and really you shouldn't...

 

I'm 8 months out now and still cry almost every day at least once, and nuts to what anyone thinks about that....

 

Who wrote the rule book on how long it should take to heal...??

 

So long as we keep putting one foot in front of the other then we are trying our best yeh?

 

Abandonment grief is a special type of grief......

 

Be Strong. Be Patient*

 

Carus*

 

Thanks Carus

 

I honestly felt like I was just being a nuisance in my old thread and did feel guilty that there are people here with real problems. Our relationship was only a couple of months before she really cooled off. I did like her although I admit I wasn't 100% sold. However I know I wanted to sleep with her, not in a lustful way. I knew I could be open with her in that sense as it's something I have little to no experience in..... I took that seriously and I fully opened up and trusted her.

 

Like I say, I'm on my own now, and I try to keep busy....and felt I'd made such good progress to now feel like I'm day one of recovery.

 

What I can say, is after posting here tonight and your lovely feedback, I'm feeling somewhat better.

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If only I had the self-discipline to not send messages, I wouldn't be the wreck I am!

 

Don't be harsh on yourself, there are things you're doing right.

 

Yeah, she backed off leaving the ball in my court, I know she wanted us to stay friends. 5 days later I sent her a really nice message saying she made me feel unlike anyone had before but I couldn't stay friends to see other men come into her and her little boys life in the way I wanted to be.

 

She replied back thanking me, and telling me to take care. I didn't reply and that was the end of it on 2nd January.

 

Last few days I've so wanted her to get in touch and today I was so close to messaging, but it was ultimately knowing that I'd undo all the hard work I'd done over the past 6 months. Realistically we live 30 miles apart and will never bump into each other again.....sometimes that makes me feel better....other times it hurts.

 

Thanks Peanutbreath, it means a lot!

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I use to enjoy drawing, so maybe I should start drawing some Marvel characters for fun! That's a good idea I'll have to try!

 

That sounds exciting, Dalesboy!

 

You mentioned that you live very rurally. Are there any meet-up groups nearby? Perhaps some Marvel enthusiasts are living around your area. I found meet-up groups or volunteering tend to be great ways to meet others. Oh, there's also social dancing. I love it because it gets you moving, it's a fun activity and you meet lots of interesting people who just want to have a good time.

 

Anyhow, glad to read you are pushing through!

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That sounds exciting, Dalesboy!

 

You mentioned that you live very rurally. Are there any meet-up groups nearby? Perhaps some Marvel enthusiasts are living around your area. I found meet-up groups or volunteering tend to be great ways to meet others. Oh, there's also social dancing. I love it because it gets you moving, it's a fun activity and you meet lots of interesting people who just want to have a good time.

 

Anyhow, glad to read you are pushing through!

 

Thanks greendots.

 

Yeah it's very rural. I live in a small village which is made up of people mostly 45+ age wise. I love it here, it's beautiful and is one of the UK's National Parks. I'm also very lucky now with my Dad's passing to own my own home.

 

Dance is an interesting idea, also keeps you fit. I'd always let my weight get in the way of my confidence which I know is stupid!

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Hi guys

 

New neighbours have officially bought the house next door, so I just have put my concerns to the side.... and accept they probably will be very nice, as will I be of course.

 

Interestingly after opening up on here, I've felt so much better....my ex didn't feature in my thoughts too much, which has made me realise that I'm only using her as a coping mechanism. It's like she is something to focus on when other stuff is getting me down, which I know is a rather stupid, because ultimately it will get me either more down.

 

I'm so glad I didn't attempt to make contact yesterday, it really was a moment of weakness and something I would have ultimately regretted....everything feels much clearer today and I can see things much better for how they really are.

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Isolation is nobody's friend. Can you consider that it may be nice to have the empty place next door occupied, regardless of whether you become close friends?

 

When your default voice is negative, practice putting a positive spin on it and training it to make room for the good stuff. How we use our inner voice to speak to ourselves is within our control, and it can either be a habit that encourages us to learn resilience, or it can sink us into a deeper hold to climb out of. The good news is, that's a choice.

 

Head high, and consider something useful or interesting you can pursue this summer--involving people.

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Isolation is nobody's friend. Can you consider that it may be nice to have the empty place next door occupied, regardless of whether you become close friends?

 

When your default voice is negative, practice putting a positive spin on it and training it to make room for the good stuff. How we use our inner voice to speak to ourselves is within our control, and it can either be a habit that encourages us to learn resilience, or it can sink us into a deeper hold to climb out of. The good news is, that's a choice.

 

Head high, and consider something useful or interesting you can pursue this summer--involving people.

 

Thanks cat feeder, I hope you are well?

Yes you are absolutely right, I need to look for the positives regarding neighbours and regarding that negative voice.

 

Regarding this summer, (which has pretty much started for me now for 2 and half months) I'm going to get in touch with some old friends who I've not seen since I left college 10 years ago.

 

I do look forward about putting myself back out there for dating again....but I appreciate I just can't at the moment, it's not fair on anyone. I'm not the most patient of people....I think that is another quality I need to learn.

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I hate when people tell me just move on, forget about her, etc these are people that are married, have children, a home etc.. I'm sure they don't know the pain of loosing some one that you build a quarter of your life with....

 

I'll take my time to grieve thanks lol

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I hate when people tell me just move on, forget about her, etc these are people that are married, have children, a home etc.. I'm sure they don't know the pain of loosing some one that you build a quarter of your life with....

 

I'll take my time to grieve thanks lol

 

Hey Bigboss

 

From my perspective, it was a short relationship, but a big relationship (first in 12 years)....... I agree though I need to take my time to heal. I think a few days ago I felt so down, to the point I was scared about being on my own for a considerably long time. Now, I can live with that.

 

In other news I've lost more weight! Hitting the gym later!

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Yeah, she backed off leaving the ball in my court, I know she wanted us to stay friends. 5 days later I sent her a really nice message saying she made me feel unlike anyone had before but I couldn't stay friends to see other men come into her and her little boys life in the way I wanted to be.

 

She replied back thanking me, and telling me to take care. I didn't reply and that was the end of it on 2nd January.

 

Last few days I've so wanted her to get in touch and today I was so close to messaging, but it was ultimately knowing that I'd undo all the hard work I'd done over the past 6 months. Realistically we live 30 miles apart and will never bump into each other again.....sometimes that makes me feel better....other times it hurts.

 

Thanks Peanutbreath, it means a lot!

 

The last exchange I had with my ex who I was dumped by was on Jan 6th, with him sending the final text and me not replying. We were supposed to talk face to face that day but both agreed our emotions were running too high and to save it for another. Of course that day never came...I never replied and he never again reached out. And perhaps similar to your situation too, we now live in different cities and dont have any mutual connections so we too will never realistically bump into each other. It makes me feel better in the sense that if I saw his face,i would probably break down and all the healing of the past months out the window, but it hurts tremendously on the other hand.

 

so I have no advice to offer lol! just found comfort in some of the similarities I read :)

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Hi guys

 

New neighbours have officially bought the house next door, so I just have put my concerns to the side.... and accept they probably will be very nice, as will I be of course.

 

Interestingly after opening up on here, I've felt so much better....my ex didn't feature in my thoughts too much, which has made me realise that I'm only using her as a coping mechanism. It's like she is something to focus on when other stuff is getting me down, which I know is a rather stupid, because ultimately it will get me either more down.

 

I'm so glad I didn't attempt to make contact yesterday, it really was a moment of weakness and something I would have ultimately regretted....everything feels much clearer today and I can see things much better for how they really are.

 

I also was never 100% sold on my ex and so eventho i know its for the best to be single and looking for someone who i will be 100% sold on, i also revert back to thinking about him when I feel down, because when all else in the world failed, when I felt ugly or lonely, he was always there for me and always made me feel better. I miss that so much in my dark days and get worried i wont find that again. On the other hand when Im feeling good, Ive just had a great night out with friends or had a fun flirt, then I think were I still with him, those moments wouldnt have happened and I wouldnt have experienced that high.

So I feel very conflicted because I know its selfish of me just to use him as a coping mechanism for my lows but on the other hand thats what matters in life, is who will be there when the going gets tough. Cuz it wont be your buddies (maybe the one or two who are closest but thats it)

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The last exchange I had with my ex who I was dumped by was on Jan 6th, with him sending the final text and me not replying. We were supposed to talk face to face that day but both agreed our emotions were running too high and to save it for another. Of course that day never came...I never replied and he never again reached out. And perhaps similar to your situation too, we now live in different cities and dont have any mutual connections so we too will never realistically bump into each other. It makes me feel better in the sense that if I saw his face,i would probably break down and all the healing of the past months out the window, but it hurts tremendously on the other hand.

 

so I have no advice to offer lol! just found comfort in some of the similarities I read :)

 

Hey Beetie

This what is great about this site, we can gain comfort from each other in horrible situations.

I remember when she said she didn't like romantically, but she would like us to stay friends...I knew it was game over and the biggest thing that day that upset me was the thought I wouldn't see her again.

 

Like you though (other than my blip this week) it gives me comfort not to see her again. My only worry I occasionally have is that we may see each other at the cinema as even though we live 30 miles apart, it's both our closest multiplex......realistically though, the chances it would happen are slim.

 

I have to keep myself in check though, I'm losing a lot of weight and I do have thoughts of 'Imagine if she saw me now, or if she sees me when I'm toned'.... it's dangerous chain of thought that I really have to keep a check on.

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Well if the last few days have taught me anything, it's that I shouldn't have stopped visiting this site. Since I started the thread, I'm feeling a lot better. Not perfect, but relatively stable.

 

Upping me work out regime from Sunday on a new work out plan.....pushing forward, don't look back!

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Good to hear DB* ~ I think you're doin' good man. Keep it up*

 

I'm enjoying getting into the gym too when I get the motivation. I'd like to get in there every day, but some days are just too debilitating...but I accept that too...

 

C*

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