Girlfriend never needs my help

I’ve been dating my girlfriend for 8 months now and every time I offer to help her with something she always ends up doing it herself. It kind of annoys me because I am her boyfriend and I don’t understand why she always tries to play the strong independent woman. She is a single mother of a three year old daughter and from what she’s told me she’s learned to do things on her own without help due to her past relationships being lousy and with her having trust issues. Just yesterday she was telling me how she had to move her packed items item her new place, and I told her, “if you need help, let me know and I’ll help you babe.” And with that, all she said was “okay babe, I’ll let you know,” only to find out from her that she still moved everything on her own. Is this something I should be concerned about?

I wouldn't say it's something to be concerned about.

She's just used to being on her own and doing things on her own. A person who is used to taking care of things on their own, really don't know how to ask for help or in worst cases won't know how to react when someone actually does.

Next time you could say- "I want to help." or "What can I help you with?"

“if you need help, let me know and I’ll help you babe.” sounds passive. Sounds like a sentence an ex may have said to her with no follow through.

Been there I was always the very helpful BF, wanted to help my GFs because I cared and I also thought they needed my help... in the end that messed up all my relationships,

because I was of the mindset don't tell me or complain about stuff that you know you don't want my help for, or if I help don't spend the whole time telling me I'm doing it wrong.

Reality was, I was what we call a "St Bernard" in Switzerland, referring this big fluffy snow rescue dog, always ready and nice. If this is your case I'm not saying you should stop

helping your GF forever, but realize you're doing it because you want something in return or need this feeling that you are useful to her, then work on really helping disinterestedly.

Now this is still something to be proud of, being an overly helpful dedicated guy, just learn to be reasonable and have needs yourself too, some women love this some don't and you

should be sure to be with one that values what you are offering.

On the other hand, your whole phrasing makes me feel like you don't really have a relationship with this woman, I understand the single mother stuff, but if she almost never uses

your help, doesn't feel she trusts you and include you so much in her life, this after 8 months... A) most likely will never change and B) isn't normal and healthy for the relationship,

what's the point having a partner then if not for supporting each other !?

Does she works on her trust issue and can you 2 actually talk about the subject, or she shuts you down if you do !? If she shuts you down, move on someone else will be happy to

have an helpful man taking care of her !

It took me ages to finally start letting my partner help me after being a single mum for so long. I'd learnt how to put up selves, hoick furniture around by myself in my van and had no problems sorting out the rubbish and climbing up ladders to clean out the gutters! It took a while and I still have a bit of a wobble every now and again when I feel I've lost my independent woman streak, but I know that's just the stupid, irrational BS part of me and that the reality is there is nothing wrong with having the man you love help you out with stuff. It just becomes very ingrained and takes a while to come out of. My advice would be don't hover about asking, just have a gentle joke with her about not needing to be an independent woman all of the time and just get stuck in. She'll get there eventually.

So is it bad that I’m always willing to help? The only times I’ve offered to help her was when she had a flat tired and didn’t call me to help her with it, but instead tried to fix it herself, but had some random guy who saw her on the side of the road fix it for her. I basically told her to call me next time that happens. The other time was yesterday, which I mentioned in my post above. I’ll definitely change my wording so it won’t sound passive and I’ll try a different approach, but as far as trust issues we haven’t had any issues with trust and she has included me in her life for the most part. I’ve spent time with her and her kid, met a few of her friends, BUT I haven’t been to her house or met the family YET, so I don’t know about that part.

I’ve spent time with her and her kid, met a few of her friends, BUT I haven’t been to her house or met the family YET, so I don’t know about that part.

Has she been living with her family?

the only time to stress is when you do help and she's unappreciative.

had some random guy who saw her on the side of the road fix it for her. I basically told her to call me next time that happens.

 

BUT I haven’t been to her house or met the family YET, so I don’t know about that part.

Wow wait a minute, 8 months even doing things with the kid and never invited you to her house or met the familly !!!? Then letting another man help her with stuff you told her you could help !

I'm seeing a huge Red flag here, I'm sorry I don't consider you have a relationship if after 8 months that person doesn't introduce you to her family, she has to her child so what's wrong why does

she hide you, I've had lots of friends going out with single moms, they usually were more hesitant to include the guy because of the child, but after some 2 3 months when they were sure about him,

the guy was fully introduced your situation really smells fishy, if she likes you so much I don't see any reason not to see her home and being introduced to the family, especially already being to the kid...

This doesn't make sense, try to ask her about family and all this, see how she replies but if she tells you something along the lines of stop stressing me about this or being clingy and doesn't seem to

want to give you any details or explanation, she's likely hiding something !

She currently lives with her aunt, but had to move out with her sister temporarily due to her aunt moving out of state. She’s been telling me she isn’t really close with her mom as she doesn’t really help her when she’s in need of help, especially with her kid. As for her sister, she said that they’re complete opposites. I’ve been asking if I could come over, but she keeps saying no? Also since she just recently moved in with her sister I had also asked if I could come over and she said “we’ll see.” I don’t know if it’s because of her kid and that she doesn’t want her daughter to grow up with the mindset that it’s okay to have a boyfriend over or what, but for the most part I’ve spent time with her and her daughter at church, restaurants, and even a water park so I don’t see what the issue is?

This is fine. It offers help but doesn't foster dependency or force anything. She didn't need your help so all is fine.

I told her, “if you need help, let me know and I’ll help you babe.”

She currently lives with her aunt, but had to move out with her sister temporarily due to her aunt moving out of state. She’s been telling me she isn’t really close with her mom as she doesn’t really help her when she’s in need of help, especially with her kid. As for her sister, she said that they’re complete opposites. I’ve been asking if I could come over, but she keeps saying no? Also since she just recently moved in with her sister I had also asked if I could come over and she said “we’ll see.” I don’t know if it’s because of her kid and that she doesn’t want her daughter to grow up with the mindset that it’s okay to have a boyfriend over or what, but for the most part I’ve spent time with her and her daughter at church, restaurants, and even a water park so I don’t see what the issue is?

The issue is will you wait forever that she accepts to really include you completely in her life ? Sorry to say but normally they are more afraid to expose their child to a bad man, so since you're dating

and been actively doing stuff with her child for 8 months, whatever home situation is, doesn't make sense she's keeping you outside.

So letting another random guy go in her home with her kid and letting him do what a BF would gladly do, is pretty disconcerting to me !

Take the child out of the equation, even then you think this is a respectful way towards your partner to be dating 8 months but never introducing you to her home and family ?

It looks like what I experienced when a woman likes the sex and things she gets from you, but doesn't want a relationship, she never introduces you to family because then

she would look bad and doesn't want that, so you're always off the radar.

If you're fine with such relationship go ahead, maybe I'm totally wrong, but I'd try to disappear for a while and see her reaction, this all seems unbalanced to me.

It is a big deal for a single mother to introduce her kid to a new man. Most like to wait at least a year or so before introducing a new partner. It can be detrimental to a child to have potential father figures introduced too early. Also, don't take this the wrong way it is an objective fact and doesn't reflect my opinion of your character in any way, the likelihood of a man in the home molesting a child goes up, if they're not related. I can tell she is a good mother. Now, if you want to meet family members without the inclusion of her child, then ask her to setup an outing with one or some of them.

Has she offered to help you? Why is it so important for you to be useful to her? I don't see the connection here whereas this is a red flag. Usually when a person is dependent on their partner indicates a co-dependent relationship or is using you. It seems she likes you for your companionship, rather than how useful you are to her. I'd say that's a winner there.

As she has explained, she is used to being let down. I don't feel you need to be concerned about this - she is incredibly self-sufficient. However, I would perhaps try and be more assertive about things. For example when she needed to move her things - turn up with an empty car or van ready to move everything for her. As she feels she can't rely on anyone, sadly this means you need to do something to prove she can rely on you. Next time she tells you about something that you would like to help with - sort it out for her before she does, or do something that shows 'don't worry - I've taken care of it or I'm here ready'. --BigSis

I dont see the red flag here. She's independent and used to solving problems on her own. I would say that's a good thing. Maybe you need to reflect with yourself to find out why this is important to you. I agree with everyone else about being more assertive if you're set on helping her. Not forcing yourself on her, but more of "I'll help. I want to." Type of way. The way you worded it seems unsure or she could take it as you just being polite.

I’ve been dating my girlfriend for 8 months now and every time I offer to help her with something she always ends up doing it herself. It kind of annoys me because I am her boyfriend and I don’t understand why she always tries to play the strong independent woman. She is a single mother of a three year old daughter and from what she’s told me she’s learned to do things on her own without help due to her past relationships being lousy and with her having trust issues. Just yesterday she was telling me how she had to move her packed items item her new place, and I told her, “if you need help, let me know and I’ll help you babe.” And with that, all she said was “okay babe, I’ll let you know,” only to find out from her that she still moved everything on her own. Is this something I should be concerned about?

Perhaps she isnt "playing". She is who she is and you arent going to change that. You can accept it or you can struggle with it forever.

My wife is often like this and I used to try to take the reigns "As the man". Now I sit and wait for my turn to do it for her. Generally, I always eventually get my turn.

As someone who is very much "why ask someone else to do what I can do myself", I think you are going to create unnecessary resistance if you try to force the issue. It's not a problem for her. It may be something YOU want as far as it meeting your emotional needs in a relationship.

You can approach it in a way that is supportive of her self sufficiency , and if you do so, she'll learn she can trust you as someone who respects that.

You can say something like " I love how I don't have to worry about you being able to take care of yourself. I know you can do it on your own. But I do like helping you sometimes, even if it's little things. It makes me feel good to be able to give to you. So if there's anything, know I'll be there."something like that.

and I told her, “if you need help, let me know and I’ll help you babe.” And with that, all she said was “okay babe, I’ll let you know,” only to find out from her that she still moved everything on her own. Is this something I should be concerned about?

So -- let me get this straight -- you are upset because you are not dating a damsel in distress? This is not an issue with her - its with you. Many men would jump at the chance to be with a woman who brings something to the table - can manage her own life -- and enjoy going on dates with her without having to worry that her life is a shambles

Only time I'd have an issue is if my fiancee declined my offer to help only to complain about doing it herself later. Got zero tolerance for that. But if she genuinely wants to handle a task on her own, it's not my concern, nor should it be one for you.

Guys tend to get insecure over matters like this when they're not confident in the value they bring if they're not moving furniture or retiling the bathroom for a woman. Focus on what you do bring to the table rather than what you think she's denying you.

As she has explained, she is used to being let down. I don't feel you need to be concerned about this - she is incredibly self-sufficient. However, I would perhaps try and be more assertive about things. For example when she needed to move her things - turn up with an empty car or van ready to move everything for her. As she feels she can't rely on anyone, sadly this means you need to do something to prove she can rely on you. Next time she tells you about something that you would like to help with - sort it out for her before she does, or do something that shows 'don't worry - I've taken care of it or I'm here ready'. --BigSis

Oh noooooo - do not ever just "show up" - she is not trying to test you. let her ask for help when she is ready. Or be ready to bring a bouquet of flowers or a plant for her new place, etc, when she is all moved in. Be a boyfriend, not a fixer.

Oh noooooo - do not ever just "show up" - she is not trying to test you. let her ask for help when she is ready. Or be ready to bring a bouquet of flowers or a plant for her new place, etc, when she is all moved in. Be a boyfriend, not a fixer.

I agree. Do not show up when she's been clear she doesn't need to want your help. Respect the decision she made. Trust that she will reach out to you for help if she genuinely wants it.

I think, from reading your threads, that you are very insecure in this relationship and are looking at things through a filter of anxiety and fear. I don't mean that as a criticism, but I would encourage you to try to step back and ask yourself what you fear her declining your help really means. You're applying deeper meaning to this, and I am curious to hear your though process on that.

I think as human beings we have a natural tendency to be prideful and to think we can do it all on our own, until at certain points we break down and come to the realization that we really do need other people. As you've mentioned, she is likely used to having to do things on her own and uncomfortable to adapting to an extra hand. While you're definitely being a gentleman and doing the right thing by always offering to help, it's definitely worth stopping and examining how you're going about it. Are you doing it in a friendly manner, and with her best interests in mind? Have you proven to her that she can trust you, or are the two of you not at that point yet? Do you react understandingly and positively when she turns you down? I'm not assuming answers to any of these questions for you, but they may be things to consider. Hoping for the best.

I used to date a guy who needed to be "the MAN" in the relationship. He commented often about how I was so independent and strong and didn't "need" him to do things for me. I didn't realize at the time that he was actually complaining and thought that strong, independent women were a turn off. He ended up with a woman who was constantly calling him for help with one crisis after another.

He needed this. He couldn't be with a woman who didn't act weak, fearful and helpless. It made him feel manly.

Do you NEED to be a manly man in your relationships? Do you need a woman who is dependent on you?

I'll disagree with most people here, of course a confident and well adjusted man wouldn't look for a damsel in distress and being a woman that takes care of her stuff, is obviously

just normal you don't want a partner that's unable to function without you. However saying that never making room for the partner to help is acceptable, no sorry but a balanced

relationship is 50/50, both partners help each other not because it's expected but because they want to.

Then we all have a different needs in a partner, being needy is not good but being someone that at the core loves to be helpful and does it naturally, isn't something bad or that

any man should feel sorry for, some other men don't help much, everyone is different. But if that was bad, that's a bit like saying the shelter benevolent are needy and should

not be doing what they do, that's absolutely silly.

Now being myself the helpful kind, I have been taken advantage off by women or frustrated for years before putting limits, I guess OP is in this case and needs to acknowledge

it, but still this isn't unhealthy when done properly and shouldn't be about brushing the ego for helping, but just doing this out of affection for the person not waiting for anything

in return, but that it's how he lives the relationship by helping.

So if his relationship style is giving help rather than waiting for a call, he should be conscious about this and ask himself if this woman fits his style, because I have met my share

of always busy I take care of stuff women and never felt I fit in their lives, because it doesn't seem they needed a man and sorry ladies without being needy, most guys wants to

feel appreciated and needed for who they are, just as you ladies want to feel your partner desires you, it has not always anything to do with Ego or neediness, because if no one

desires and needs you that means you're single !

Of course the child makes a difference, single moms are weary of their child's safety and well being, but to me letting a random guy get in your house when you have a 8 month

relationship guy, proposing to do the work, sorry it doesn't seem very safe for a single mom and her child...