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Thread: Broke up after moving away, now back in same city... my story, NEED ADVICE! GAY

  1. #1
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    Broke up after moving away, now back in same city... my story, NEED ADVICE! GAY

    Hi all,
    First time posting here so please be nice!

    I am 31 and gay. My ex (25, gay) and I were together for a year. We were deeply in love, though we fought sometimes and even broke up twice. It was both our first relationships with guys, and we were each other's first loves.

    I lost my job when the publication I edited folded back in January. In February, I received a job offer out of state that I could not pass up. Though I was devastated about leaving my boyfriend behind (he had just started a new job so he wasn't going to up and move with me, nor did I want to make him), I was excited about the job. My ex helped move me out of state, even taking a road trip together. Before I moved away, we had lived together for a month after I had sublet my apartment, and everything was amazing.

    Soon after I moved away, we decided doing long distance was too hard. And truth be told, I had hooked up with other guys when I was there. And we still talked nightly, until a month in he came to visit and we got into a big fight because things just felt "off." We were living in different cities and we weren't boyfriends anymore, but had been talking every day long distance.

    Anyways, it turned out that I was miserable about the breakup, and after our big fight, we didn't talk. Meanwhile, the new job I had taken and moved cross country for turned out to be a disaster, and I hated it. So lo and behold, I got another job offer back in the city I had moved from just 3 months ago, and now I am back in the same city as my ex.

    We had reconciled after out fight, and he called me drunk one night to say how much he missed me but was upset with me. When I told him I was moving back, he and I talked for a week or two, but as my move date back drew closer, I could feel him pulling away. By the time I had moved back to our city, he told me never to contact him but gave me no reason. He HAD told me he was 'hanging out' with another guy but he was just a rebound - my ex's words. (While I am tall and lanky, the rebound guy is apparently my opposite - short and muscular! LOL)

    As the story goes, I ended up moving to the same neighborhood as my ex. Currently, we text sometimes, and I have bumped into him twice, though he has been cold, mean and guarded when I see him. I live a few blocks from him, and I told him on the phone the other day I'd like to take a yoga class together or meet up as friends sometime, and he seemed to be responsive. He even called me the nickname he used to call me when we dated at the end of the phone call.

    Deep down, I KNOW he has feelings for me still. But he is angry at me. I don't know why - for moving away in the first place, for mean things I said? But he is 25 and younger than me, and SO, SO, SO stubborn.

    Any advice? Especially now since we're neighbors? While we did fight during our relationship, all out mutual friends say how good we were for each other, and I feel like, since I'm the older one and the one who potentially caused more pain, I have to somehow get him to open up/trust me again.

    Any friendly advice is so appreciated. Thanks, friends.

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    Did the hooking up with other guys occur while you were still together with him? Regardless, did he ever find out about them? What kinds of mean things did you say to him?

    I am guessing that part of why he's hurt is that he may feel like he was disposable to you when you took that job and started dating other men. Therefore, I think the onus is on you to be crystal clear with your intentions without being pushy. It sounds like he warmed up when you suggested meeting up, so if he takes you up on any of your friendly overtures like the yoga class, I would apologize for anything hurtful you may have said/done *if you haven't already* and ask him on a proper date then.

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    Well, what was all the fighting and breaking up about when you were together? You don't break up twice in a year in a good, stable relationship. Fights are usually about control and manipulation. Who was trying to control and manipulate who? And fights are a weapon used in emotional abuse. Discussing the last things that happened in your relationship ignores the fact that the foundation of your relationship was weak to begin with. Maybe if you think about things you can figure out what your advice should be. I think you should just move on and find another boyfriend.

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    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Just my opinion, I think possibly he is angry because you abandoned him. Yes, I understand you had a job opportunity but he might have thought that if you had loved him enough, you wouldn't have taken the job and left him.
    I can see his side too.
    I think if you felt he was "the one" you might have not left.
    He is hurt now, he no doubt feels like the left overs or the second choice. You said you hooked up with other guys too, and it feels bad to know that you weren't appreciated enough and are only appreciated once the other person went to see the "greener grass" and didn't find anything great.
    It makes a person feel crap.
    All of these feelings are no doubt going through his mind and he no doubt resents you.
    Is it fixable? I want to say yes, but for now, sadly, I don't think so. :(

    If you really wanted him back and weren't willing to let go, you could try romancing him. Send flowers, a love letter telling him how much he means to you.
    That would be a last ditch effort.
    But for now, I'm not sure he will get over this anytime soon.

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    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    , but as my move date back drew closer, I could feel him pulling away. By the time I had moved back to our city, he told me never to contact him but gave me no reason. He HAD told me he was 'hanging out' with another guy but he was just a rebound - my ex's words. (While I am tall and lanky, the rebound guy is apparently my opposite - short and muscular! LOL)
    I think he pulled away was because he met someone else.

    Why don't you just make yourself "pull away" and leave him to it? All ad all you aren't good for one another and I think the only reason you want to keep yourself in his life is because he's familiar. Have either of you started divorce proceedings? You have broken up and live separately after all.

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    We were not married! LOL. I don't think the other guy, who he admitted is a rebound, has anything to do with it. I do think I hurt him - I even said, when I was angry, that I didn't like having sex with him and that his you-know-what was small. I said this out of anger and didn't mean either (we had GREAT sex), but I think he was upset. But anyways... UPDATE:

    I saw him this morning, we work out at two gyms by each other and we ran into each other! We ended up walking back to our respective places, talking and joking. He was less guarded and hugged me immediately upon seeing me - and yes, we did linger a bit. I even showed him my apartment that I just moved into. I said I'd love to take a yoga class or grab coffee sometime, and he said in due time "if you're lucky" - an inside joke and something he always told me. I asked him about him blocking me on Instagram out of nowhere (he never posts and we had not been following each other even!) and he said he will unblock me at some point, but that he didn't "want to see me pop up." I truly believe he still has feelings for me, and that he's warming up to me! A month ago, he told me he never wanted to talk or see me again, and clearly he did not mean that.

    For now, I am going to try not to worry about the supposed rebound guy he is hanging out with and give him some space and time. I truly believe that if we began a new relationship, things would be better. I have worked on myself and realized that I put way too much pressure on him when we dated, and I have been gaining independence, taking exercise classes, and I look and feel good.

    Just wanted to update you all - would love any responses. Thank you!

  8. #7
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    In what way did you put pressure on him?

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    By only hanging out with him and losing some of my independence.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    By the sounds of your update, it does sound like he's warming to you.
    I hope it keeps getting better for you and that you and he become closer.

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    Thanks! I hope so too!

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