Feeling guilty about the weekend

(Sorry for not replying to previous thread. I felt it had run its course)

So, you may have read my post from this past weekend. If not here’s a shortened version.

I got weak and had some pretty bad anxiety about not having seen my kids in over a month. I decided to take two days off work and travel 8hrs to see them. Against everyone’s advice I decided to stay with my ex at her apartment which turned out to be not such a good idea. Go figure . The next night I fell weak, asked for some booty, she denied, I asked why and it went DOWNHILL from that point very quickly. She said she was “saving herself for someone new. I asked and basically pleaded with her to tell me if there was anyone. She stated there was someone she was talking to but hadn’t met. I was crushed.

She said a few other things that made me scratch my head and go why? Why would you say that, to hurt me? A few of my friends say she loves torment me and get me riled up, which it does, it get me very upset I can’t help it. For example, she said she need to go to Walmart, I sad for what? She said she needed new panties because she might get laid. Like really? Why would you say that. That got me very upset and turning inside.

I said a nasty thing or two to her (about her weight) and now I feel like shiz. So bad. I have known this to be a problem and I have reflected on it numerous times. It’s just when I get so mad, hurt, feeling betrayed, etc. sometimes I say things I don’t mean. Hateful things.

Today I feel like crap. I still fantasize of a reconciliation way way down the road and I’m afraid that I’ve just blown away every chance. She said I’ll never grown up and will never change. Which isn’t true.

After leaving and Seeing pattern. I’ve no other choice but to go NC with email being the only exception.

I’ve been doing this for to long. Time to heal. Time to take care of my kids. THATS IT.

Ok now you can lay into me.

You need to stop contributing to your own misery here, OP. Let this be your confirmation that she is moving on and there will be no reconciliation.

Did you see your kids because there is no mention of that.

Did you see your kids because there is no mention of that.

It seems like your visit was all about trying to sleep with her, getting information from her about her dating life, and trying to push your way back into her bed and her life.

I agree this was the final straw. Yes I did see my kids. We had a great time. I hate being away from them. Can’t wait to move closer. It’ll happen soon.

Is it everyones opinion that a Recon is highly highly unlikely in the future?

Does it make sense to go email only for a month or two? To establish a boundary?

Should I send an email stating I’m sorry for the disastrous weekend and apologizing for the things I said and being immature?

I wanna help myself. I’ll do anything at this point. I have wasted all of this year so far and it’s starting to be crazy to keep up with this.

Red88

This honestly was not my intention on the visit. All the other stuff just kinda snowballed after hearing the hurtful things she said.

Yes saw the kids had a blast. Held my baby and rocked him a ton. Felt great!

I agree completely. This will be the straw that broke the camels (me) back. I’m done.

Not to pile on or anything, but mentioning a lady's weight when you're trying to bed her is not a great strategy.

In fact, it is one of the worst.

In the future, do not try that one out with anyone.

As for the mother of your children, stop, stop, stop staying at her house when you visit the kids.

There is not going to be a reconciliation. Make the best of it.

BTW, she says hurtful things to goad you into being stupid. Avoid conflict with her. She knows her game.

Lashing out when you don't get what you want is not a good trait to foster. Think of your kids, how you want them to be as adults. They model your behavior.

Think about that.

Be your best.

This honestly was not my intention on the visit. All the other stuff just kinda snowballed after hearing the hurtful things she said.

And you have absolutely zero control over your own actions? Things can only "snowball " if you let them.

Jeez, no. No "apology" email. Terrible idea.

She doesn't love to torment you. You love to torment yourself. You received excellent advice to not stay with your ex, to not sleep with her (or attempt to sleep with her), and to not question her about her activities, and you chose to ignore it all. The visit went as expected. You've already in a matter of hours gone back to begging forum members to tell you that you have a chance to reconcile with this woman. You don't. Realize that you are not thinking rationally and stay away from her. Until you get a grip on your emotions and realize that it's over, you're doing more harm than good to your kids.

Have a third party deliver you the kids.

She doesn't love to torment you. You love to torment yourself. You received excellent advice to not stay with your ex, to not sleep with her (or attempt to sleep with her), and to not question her about her activities, and you chose to ignore it all. The visit went as expected. You've already in a matter of hours gone back to begging forum members to tell you that you have a chance to reconcile with this woman. You don't. Realize that you are not thinking rationally and stay away from her. Until you get a grip on your emotions and realize that it's over, you're doing more harm than good to your kids.

SGH , great advice as always. I’m dumb and didn’t listen. Ugh. Yall were right, I totally felt I had it though. Buuuuut I didn’t. I feel so stupid, everyone saw it but me. Ugh. Moving forward now.

You’re also right on with doing more harm than good with the kids :( I totally hate all this. It’s getting out of control. I’ve spent almost an entire year on this. Trying, failing over and over. It’s gotta stop.

My healing strategy is as follows:

1.) Communicating via email only till I can get in a place of acceptance. No FaceTime...nothin.

2.) Focus on acceptance.

3.) Working on myself. Realizing where I went wrong and how to prevent it from reoccurring.

4.) Being happy alone.

Any suggestions??

I’ve made a promise to myself to take advice and not just let it go in one ear and out the other. Also to everyone here, I have faith y’all can help pull me through this, but I understand it comes down to me. Please don’t give up on me! I’m sticking to my guns and that’s that. In order to be the Best Dad I can be, I’ve gotta get this problem solved and behind me.

Red88

Have a third party deliver you the kids.

You are exactly right. Going forward this is gonna be law. I don’t wanna see her face or communicate verbally for a long while.

You can do it, Red. Be compassionate with yourself but also make sure to deliver tough love when necessary. Getting out of a toxic dynamic is difficult. The first step is deciding to be done no matter how you feel about the situation. It's going to take a lot of willpower, but you will feel better if you stick to your guns. When you feel weak, look back on this weekend you had and remember how she treated you and how you felt. It will help keep you from putting yourself in the same situation again.

You can do it, Red. Be compassionate with yourself but also make sure to deliver tough love when necessary. Getting out of a toxic dynamic is difficult. The first step is deciding to be done no matter how you feel about the situation. It's going to take a lot of willpower, but you will feel better if you stick to your guns. When you feel weak, look back on this weekend you had and remember how she treated you and how you felt. It will help keep you from putting yourself in the same situation again.

Thank you I needed this.

Would you recommend sending an apology via email for the disastrous weekend and for saying things I didn’t mean ?

Red88

Would you recommend sending an apology via email for the disastrous weekend and for saying things I didn’t mean ?

 

Red88

One step forward, and two back. I'm sorry, but after posting the above question, you're obviously still in denial. Why not turn the tables and start thinking about going forward, and focusing on your kids only?

Ok so that apology email is a no go. Ok . Only contact I’ll have will regard the kids. It’ll be short and sweet.

Ok, here I go. No turning back. This is a monumental day in history for me. Boundaries are set in stone.

No contact that doesn’t regard the kids

I’ll not see her face for a yr plus.

Third party drop offs and pick ups.

Blocked her so only communication will be email and will only respond if it has to do with my kids needs. No long drawn out convo. Short and direct and business like. No talking about the relationship EVER again. Nothing!

I got this! Only posts I’ll be posting is about how much better I feel :)

Red88

You wrote out a list before. How did that work out?

Next time you decide to stay with her and beg her to sleep with you...will you remember or just ignore common sense?

And what happened to the scary, unsafe environment you were so worried about? Was that an excuse to try to get your ex to move in with you?

You wrote out a list before. How did that work out?

Next time you decide to stay with her and beg her to sleep with you...will you remember or just ignore common sense?

 

And what happened to the scary, unsafe environment you were so worried about? Was that an excuse to try to get your ex to move in with you?

This was my question as well.

You were very upset in your other thread OP, over what you perceived to be an unsafe situation for your children. What are you going to do about that? That should be your first concern, above all else.

You wrote out a list before. How did that work out?

Next time you decide to stay with her and beg her to sleep with you...will you remember or just ignore common sense?

 

And what happened to the scary, unsafe environment you were so worried about? Was that an excuse to try to get your ex to move in with you?

Yes I have stumbled and fallen along this journey. I get where you’re coming from. But, this time is different. I’m moving forward with my life. No setbacks.

No that was not excuse. That situation and environment is very much alive and real. And no it wasn’t some ploy to get her to move in with me. I live 8hrs away in a different state. I’ve made some really stupid mistakes and done some really dumb things but that is not one of them i can assure you of that. That thought never crossed my mind once. I suggested her moving out of that rough community to another location within her small town. But that isn’t an option.

The takeaway from that whole situation is that I need to work my butt off. So when they come see Dad they notice a difference. I’m very concerned about it. I recommended to her that if she was to find another place to live (not with me) I’d help with a bill or two. I’m not trying to appear as the “white knight” as another poster referred me as. I’m just very worried about the situation and influences within that living arrangement.

And for the record I did beg and plead for reconciliation . But I only asked for sex ;)

Red88

This was my question as well.

 

You were very upset in your other thread OP, over what you perceived to be an unsafe situation for your children. What are you going to do about that? That should be your first concern, above all else.

I agree MissCanuck. I didn’t mean to discard that whole situation. It’s very real. Everything I described was factual.

What am I going to do ?

Work my tail off to show them that there’s a better life. I’m going to get on when I move closer to them (1.5 hrs away). I plan on getting a decent place and a good job. I’m very skilled in many areas. Jack of all trades master at none as I say. But I know just enough to get a good job.

I’ll save money and my hope is to invest in some land. Maybe an acre at time. Build that up to maybe 10-15 acres. Possibly less. And continue saving money till I can afford to build a house on it. I’m 29 so I think I can do it? My hope is to influence them in being educated or learning a trade. If there like me they’ll learn a trade. I hated school.

Red88

I don't get it. Why doesn't your ex move closer to you since you are the one in a nice neighbourhood and with a job? You can share custody of the kids and she can get a job and/or go to school during evenings.

Makes no sense you'd move there when it's terrible for the kids to be proimarily growing up in an unhealthy environment.

I may have missed it, but why did you break up in the first place? Three little kids and you two are playing games like this, it's no good for the kids.

And she can't say she doesn't have time to work/school if she has time and money to blow on finding another man already.

I don't get it. Why doesn't your ex move closer to you since you are the one in a nice neighbourhood and with a job? You can share custody of the kids and she can get a job and/or go to school during evenings.

Makes no sense you'd move there when it's terrible for the kids to be proimarily growing up in an unhealthy environment.

 

I may have missed it, but why did you break up in the first place? Three little kids and you two are playing games like this, it's no good for the kids.

 

And she can't say she doesn't have time to work/school if she has time and money to blow on finding another man already.

Well I wish it was that easy and yes it does make sense in theory, I live in a large city so more resources and more activities,opportunities, etc.

However, she’s grown up in the same town she lives in. She’s not going anywhere. More family than you can shake a stick at. She has her friends there and isn’t a big fan of big city life. This is something that will never change I imagine.

Also, she doesn’t wanna be anywhere close to me. We don’t get along.

I’m not a victim, I’m not playing that card anymore. I contributed 1/2 if not more to the downfall of this relationship. I’m guilty as charged .

The situation is VERY messy and complex.

So I’ll move closer to them. I gotta do what I gotta do.

Red88

Just saw your post, it does seem like you are so anxious, and devastated that your emotions overwrite your rational thoughts, no matter how you list the stuff, you will ignore them when your anxiety wave kicks in ( ignore this if I get it wrong) . I was like that after my breakup, I called my ex and left a few desperate voicemail messages, and I knew that will only drive my ex further away, but I can't control myself. It didn't get better even with some therapy sessions... Then I got anti anxiety pills from my Dr. That worked like magic ( it's not like I suddenly being over the pain, but I can be rational) , however, I have only taken the pill for no more than 5 times over the past half year, because I don't want to depend on pills ( I tried to start on the long term pill, but didn't stay with that) . But if you are like me, feeling weak and scratching your head and doing things your rational mind would stop you, maybe you can talk to your Dr and see if anti anxiety pills can give you temporarily relief . Be careful and follow Dr order if you choose to take pills, and have your friend or family to check up with you.

In the end, you will find yourself to let go the past. I'm still working on it.