I need help pls I cannot move can’t get over my ex bf

I’ve posted about the break up before -7yrs on and off. Lots of good very connected chemistry and laughs. But our arguments not fun. I want him back and see he is the one I want but he said recently that he has no in love feelings but misses me and can’t stand the thought of me with anyone else. But he still wants us to move on. (No gf for him I know) - confusing to me. He said he wants to get his feelings back but can’t now.

I literally sit at home. Cry can’t move and haven’t done a thing. It’s too hard my friends are worn out. But I just cannot shake this rejection. I thought we’d be together forever. We broke up several times but always got back. He gave me a ring, asked me to marry him 2 years ago. After our last fight he said nasty things (bad temper). So I left and gave rings back -said he was heartbroken. But he’s gone now. We broke up in April. And I contacted him mid June to try. We saw each orher and talked 2 days. Then he abruptly texted to end it.

I also cannot stand the thought of him with someone else doing special things we did. We were very drawn to each other and had similar backgrounds and interests. (I had hurt him in the past too) there was no cheating or lying ever.

Pls help me get thru this huge black hole of depression. I can’t eat I am dreading work tomorrow -I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.

We broke up several times but always got back.

You are currently going through withdrawl pains but, if you are strong and give it the time you need, (hopefully with the help of a professional therapist proficient in codependency issues so they won't enable you to remain in your denial) then soon enough you will get to the stage of indifference to him and you'll have emotionally matured enough to find a good man that you'll have no need to leave and get back with ad nauseum.

Your "draw to each other" was due to your addiction to the drama, the push and pull dysfunction and your fear of being alone. Don't waste anymore of your good dating years wallowing over a man that you should have stayed gone from after the first break up.

Sorry I couldn't be more nurturing. I'm sure that you are looking for less of a wake up call but to give you enabling dialogue isn't going to help you to overcome. For your sake, I do hope he blocks and deletes you (you're not strong enough right now to do that) so that the two of you can move on and find better partners for one another. Keeping in contact is in your worst interests.

I may be a straight shooter but I seriously DO hope you feel better soon. Acceptance that the dysfunction you were in with him needed to end will get you there quicker. You're still very much in denial.

Thank you no I don’t think you’re being hard on me. I need that and all tips I can get. I don’t see co dependsncy right now. But maybe. How long do withdrawals take? And I’m having a hard time focusing on his negatives rather than positives. And how I hurt him too. I have the what if’s all the time. What if I’d been more tolerant of his opininating or advice giving or his temper or his comments about my kids or me or whatever. Or if I was nicer if I didn’t pick or complain.

We had such such wonderful times. Both very in love. How do I do this !?

I have been with the same man for most of my life. We have been married for 40+ years. I didn't have to leave him like you did because we were able to work through problems without having to ditch one another to get what we both wanted/needed or compromised on. You may have had a few good times but most people in abusive or dysfunctional relationships can come up with 'some' good times they had when they weren't being abused (physically, mentally, verbally).

Stop talking to him if you haven't already because keeping in contact with him is just prolonging your pain/withdrawl symptoms. Go to your doctor and talk to him about what you're going through. Perhaps a mild anti-anxiety med will help you to cope until your OCD thoughts on him simmer down.

What if you'd been more tolerant? Then you would be his door mat and you would NOT be any happier and 'love' alone is never enough to keep a relationship and the two people in it happy. You would be no more of a good couple then you have been had you done anything differently because you did not make a good couple.

his opininating or advice giving or his temper or his comments about my kids

Thank you. You are on target. And hearing him say the words. “I don’t love you like that anymore”. But in same vein he says he misses me loves me and is so hurting.

I am on anti depressant not helping yet. And a therapist. I just need connections like this too so thank you.

When the time comes for him to have another gf how in the world would I get over that ? Advice for that? Cause it’s all I think about too.

And do you think this sort of man will have trouble finding long time love? Cause of his ways I mentioned (can be narcissist) but I don’t think he is fully.

Thank you. You are on target. And hearing him say the words. “I don’t love you like that anymore”. But in same vein he says he misses me loves me and is so hurting.

I am on anti depressant not helping yet. And a therapist. I just need connections like this too so thank you.

When the time comes for him to have another gf how in the world would I get over that ? Advice for that? Cause it’s all I think about too.

And do you think this sort of man will have trouble finding long time love? Cause of his ways I mentioned (can be narcissist) but I don’t think he is fully.

Stay No Contact so you don't have any information about her or their relationship, with which to torment yourself.

This is over, OP. He will move on and find someone else eventually, yes. But so will you. And if you do the appropriate healing you need, you will find someone who treats you so much better and actually loves you.

hearing him say the words. “I don’t love you like that anymore”. But in same vein he says he misses me loves me and is so hurting.

When the time comes for him to have another gf how in the world would I get over that ?

Stop yourself from thinking about what he will do in the future and instead start a working plan about what you would like your own future to look like (do not include him in those thoughts).

So I was the bad girlfriend? This is what I’ve been so afraid of. I don’t snd hope I wasn’t like that. I feel like I’m a narcissist in this. He said he wanted love and to be wanted. I’m hard time about that I did take him for granted and having a hard time remembering his negatives. He tried to make me happy I didn’t wear his ring much. I had repressed feelings of when he had yelled swore and neve saidnsorry in past fights and how he didn’t see my view of things. ???

So I was the bad girlfriend? This is what I’ve been so afraid of.

I don’t snd hope I wasn’t like that. I feel like I’m a narcissist in this. He said he wanted love and to be wanted.

I’m hard time about that I did take him for granted and having a hard time remembering his negatives. He tried to make me happy I didn’t wear his ring much. I had repressed feelings of when he had yelled swore and neve saidnsorry in past fights and how he didn’t see my view of things. ???

So I was the bad girlfriend?

No, you were the abused girlfriend. You need to Google emotional abuse and emotional dependency to see what you were going through. With his fights, arguments and accusations, he was destroying your self-esteem and self-confidence, and brainwashed you into thinking it was all your fault. This is just so typical of emotional abuse, that the victim blames herself! The emotional dependency comes in where you kept going back to him, or kept accepting his apologies. Again, so typical of emotional abuse and dependency. And you still contacted him again two weeks ago! It's just so textbook!

You've got to build your self esteem back up. You've got to recover from this relationship. You've got to make friends and go out and have fun. Go out and enjoy yourself! Reconnect with friends and family he may have isolated you from. The real you is hidden inside you. You should set about freeing her.

You made me laugh a little. Thank you. You really see it as it is I guess. Makes me so sad and I am alone and I wanted to do so many fun things with him. Trying to fix me now. Thank you so much. If I have another question I hope you see it. :)

No, you were the abused girlfriend. You need to Google emotional abuse and emotional dependency to see what you were going through. With his fights, arguments and accusations, he was destroying your self-esteem and self-confidence, and brainwashed you into thinking it was all your fault. This is just so typical of emotional abuse, that the victim blames herself! The emotional dependency comes in where you kept going back to him, or kept accepting his apologies. Again, so typical of emotional abuse and dependency. And you still contacted him again two weeks ago! It's just so textbook!

 

You've got to build your self esteem back up. You've got to recover from this relationship. You've got to make friends and go out and have fun. Go out and enjoy yourself! Reconnect with friends and family he may have isolated you from. The real you is hidden inside you. You should set about freeing her.

Can we stop throwing around the word abuse?

If every time a man or woman treats you bad you leap into the victim role we're not gonna make it as a society. Not to mention it's kinda insulting to those of us who had to endure black eyes and bleeding noses.

To assume this guy CAUSED her low self esteem is a pretty big leap. I'll go back and read this again, but it appears to me she came to the party with that baggage.

Codependent relationships are a t*t for tat, both people are willing participants although we don't always want to admit it. And often times people who end up on codependent relationships were broken to begin with.

Again, I will go back and reread everything and I will correct myself if I'm wrong, I'm really not seeing where you're getting she was abused though.

ETA - OPer stated they both endured childhood trauma. I'm going to make a giant assumption here and say it seems this was codependent and they brought out the absolute worst in eachother which often happens in codependent relationships. Some people just aren't good together.

Unfortunately broken seeks broken and then even more damage is done.

I don't think you ever answered my question. You believe you would be happy in a toxic, argumentative, drama filled, yelling, up and down relationship and believe you are miserable being single?

Thank you for all your words. I appreciate it. Just very hurt missing and sad. I hope it ends soon. I’m always just having the thoughts of “if I was more tolerant sweeter loving kinder we would be ok. He made me feel so bad when he ended it. Saying “when I look at you I see negative” or “my other relationships were easier “. But we had 7 yrs. other relationships were shorter and idk how all of them ended. He and His ex wife though was a terrible end. Ik his temper was rampant then toward her her daughter and mother and sometimes his teen son. No physical though.

I’m missing how much we were drawn into one another. And he always came back. Shocked he didn’t want to and shocked he texted me goodbye. Hurts to the core

Snd there wasn’t so much awful times. Lots lots of fun laughs romance and good. I miss him the person not just don’t like being alone. I’d be happy if when we both change our issues. He says he doesn’t have many though. Least I’m taking action. Just very very hard and sad.

Thank you for all your words. I appreciate it. Just very hurt missing and sad. I hope it ends soon. I’m always just having the thoughts of “if I was more tolerant sweeter loving kinder we would be ok. He made me feel so bad when he ended it. Saying “when I look at you I see negative” or “my other relationships were easier “. But we had 7 yrs. other relationships were shorter and idk how all of them ended. He and His ex wife though was a terrible end. Ik his temper was rampant then toward her her daughter and mother and sometimes his teen son. No physical though.

I’m missing how much we were drawn into one another. And he always came back. Shocked he didn’t want to and shocked he texted me goodbye. Hurts to the core

Why do you want such a lowlife?

He's not a good-quality man, OP. There is a reason he kept going back to you; it wasn't love. It's because you have low standards and little self-respect and he knew you'd be there waiting with open arms.

I don't mean to be harsh, but you need to do some serious work on yourself. It's concerning that you're so attached to a man you describe like this.

Good luck Jenn, I do really think that it is important to treat these toxic relationships like an addiction, as some of the people giving advice have mentioned.

I am just on the beginning of my journey with leaving a toxic relationship, although I have tried to leave many times. I think that the people who have replied to you here make a lot of sense. To me, it is a welcome 'wake up call'.

Good luck! How is it going?

Good luck to you too. I’m still just existing. So hard. I’m idealizing him. Thinking he’s with someone else new I have no idea but it would kill me. I’m srill so sad. And don’t want to do anything. I want to know if they go back to dating don’t they miss the ex even more at times esp since it may not be greener out there. ? I’m having hard time feeling totally replaced.

@Jenn3164

I am sorry for what your going thru . I went thru similar and yeah worst feeling in the world is they replaced u .

I understand what ur going thru . Your questioning of your years together meant something to him ? I went thru similar. Also if u did how can they move on so quickly. It is awful....it is definitely going take time Jenn and I am not even fully recovered.

I guess things I been doing is trying to hang with friends and do stuff and also I dont if u want to try counseling ? Writing on here also helps