I had a huge fight with my bf's mom

Today was my boyfriend of 5 years' birthday. I invited his mum to the local farmers market for brunch with us to celebrate. Afterwards we were all walking home together when we came across a man laying on the street with an empty bottle of whisky next to him. I stopped and asked the man if he was okay. He didn't respond. Sandy and Dean urged me to leave him and keep walking and I was frankly shocked at their lack of care for this person. I told them they were cruel and I went back to him. Me and another couple of people who were walking by rolled him onto his side and rang for an ambulance. Sandy and Dean went home without me.

It all went down when I got home. I told them that I thought what they did was wrong and that they should have stopped to help the man and they should take a look at themselves. Sandy argued that the man was a drunk and he could have tried to hurt me and that he chose to be a drunk and therefore didn't want help. The argument escalated into her saying that she's older, therefore she has more knowledge about people and their behaviours and therefore right, and me saying that if he choked on his own vomit and she didn't stop to help then that his death should be on her conscience. Then I asked angrily "when are you leaving?" And she said "now". As she got up she burst into tears, called me a "b***h" and said I "ruined Dean's birthday like I always ruin everything" (I don't know specifically what she meant by this). I immediately regretted what I said and tried to stop her from leaving. She ignored me and left.

Dean has her on find my friend, so I checked if she had gone home, feeling worried. She had gone to Dean's older brothers house.

We clearly have VERY different morals and world views and we don't get along. What can I possibly do to resolve this situation? I feel worried sick about creating a rift in Dean's family or a rift between him and I. I am also frightened of Dean or I being confronted by his older brother about it.

I need some perspective on the situation! Did I do the wrong thing in the first place? How can I fix this?

Thank you for being a moral human being.

Is his brother violent? Why do you fear him?

Just send her a nice personalized card apologizing for being so critical and selfless about her feelings.

Then if I were you have a talk with your BF and ask him, if his mother wasn't there would he stayed by your side and be supportive of the situation. If he tells you it wouldn't have made any difference, then you need to reassess your relaiotnship, because this absence of concern, should be concerning to you.

I am guessing this is not the first fight with his mother? You two seem too comfortable arguing with each other for this to have been the first incident.

You were kind and compassionate to this stranger in need, so I applaud you for that. However, you started this confrontation with her with your aggressive and condescending tone when you got home. What was the point of that, OP? You are right that you and she have different world views, but that does not give you license to tell your boyfriend's mother to "look at herself" and demand to know when she is leaving. I cannot fathom saying such things to the woman who raised my boyfriend.

So while I agree that she didn't help matters by calling you a bad name, your own behaviour needs to be checked as well. You are correct that there will probably be a larger family confrontation as a result. Before you can fix this, you have to figure out what exactly provoked this war of words in the first place. My sense is that there has been simmering tension between you and her - is that accurate?

I agree that there seems to be a high level of comfort ( maybe too much) if you feel ok calling out his mum and basically calling calling her a poopy person. While I tend to do what you did with the situation with the man, I wouldn't be so quick to judge someone who doesn't , based on my own life experience. It does not necessarily mean she is a heartless cruel person by any means. She could have had experiences you don't know about, that led her to the decisions she makes.

It's like you said- you two don't see eye to eye - and this incident seemed to have sparked you off on her.

I like the idea of a card. Also, you can adjust how you relate to her and see her. She's very different than you , it doesn't necessarily make her wrong. Doesn't make you wrong either. Different is all. Look for the good in her. Relate to her perhaps a little more formally . Doing so can ease up a lot of potential for unsavoury conflicts.

When you talk to your bf and her , emphasize the good stuff. How much you love your bf. How you are supportive of his mom being in his life ( thought it was lovely you invited her for his bday brunch!).

You sound like a sweet person. Practising some tolerance isn't always easy but I think you can do it.

honestly - who are you to judge? Just because you handle something differently than another, doesn't make you "better." People have their reasons and they don't owe you an explanation.

I would have not picked a fight with her. I think that is the error here, not the fact that she didn't aid the man.

I would have just come in, acted normal and just told her that the ambulance came and took the man to the hospital.

you don't walk in the door and scold someone.

On the other hand, the family dynamic of her crying to her son's house is a little messed up - if i pulled this with my mom or aunt, they would have simply stood their ground with me.

I would have not picked a fight with her. I think that is the error here, not the fact that she didn't aid the man.

I would have just come in, acted normal and just told her that the ambulance came and took the man to the hospital.

you don't walk in the door and scold someone.

 

On the other hand, the family dynamic of her crying to her son's house is a little messed up - if i pulled this with my mom or aunt, they would have simply stood their ground with me.

i would be hard pressed to turn my own mom away if someone made her cry.

I agree. Some basic compassion expressed for the drunk (literally) on the street, was not given to the bf or his mom.

Helping people is admirable.

Going off on others for not doing so in the manner you did is just you blowing your load.

I don't know where his mother's from, what she's seen. Here in NYC, if you're pulling aside to help every drunk passed out homeless person, you're simply not making it to work. Personally, if I can't see them breathing normally from where I am, I'll visually check for breathing, sweat, whether they're responsive. If it's concerning, I'll call it in. However, I've been verbally and physically assaulted for helping homeless people, and having witnessed others subject to the same treatment themselves, I can't say I necessarily blame people for being more reluctant to help, particularly when it comes to the increased unpredictability when potentially waking someone from a stupor. Especially if they're made aware the authorities were alerted (even if for the benefit of their health), it can and often does escalate into a violent situation as they're aware there's a decent chance they'll actually face arrest. Which isn't to say I don't think the right thing isn't to help, but that I wouldn't assume someone who doesn't to be heartless, nor myself on such a high horse I could afford to chide others on their moral character.

If your goal was to encourage them to live by your example (which I sincerely doubt), you'll always leave a better impression sticking to the example and foregoing the scolding of other grown adults as though they're children.

You've ruined things with her. I am surprised at the disrespect you've shown. That's his mother. If i were the guy, I'd have a big issue with this.

My mother-in-law has said worse to me we still talk. In fact my FIL even told me I didn’t belong in their family and even kicked me out on Christmas because my son had the nerve to cry at night as a 3 month old infant. I still talk to these idiots.

How many people would be ok if they had walked over THEIR loved one laying on the sidewalk?

Today was my boyfriend of 5 years' birthday. I invited his mum to the local farmers market for brunch with us to celebrate. Afterwards we were all walking home together when we came across a man laying on the street with an empty bottle of whisky next to him. I stopped and asked the man if he was okay. He didn't respond. Sandy and Dean urged me to leave him and keep walking and I was frankly shocked at their lack of care for this person. I told them they were cruel and I went back to him. Me and another couple of people who were walking by rolled him onto his side and rang for an ambulance. Sandy and Dean went home without me.

 

It all went down when I got home. I told them that I thought what they did was wrong and that they should have stopped to help the man and they should take a look at themselves. Sandy argued that the man was a drunk and he could have tried to hurt me and that he chose to be a drunk and therefore didn't want help. The argument escalated into her saying that she's older, therefore she has more knowledge about people and their behaviours and therefore right, and me saying that if he choked on his own vomit and she didn't stop to help then that his death should be on her conscience. Then I asked angrily "when are you leaving?" And she said "now". As she got up she burst into tears, called me a "b***h" and said I "ruined Dean's birthday like I always ruin everything" (I don't know specifically what she meant by this). I immediately regretted what I said and tried to stop her from leaving. She ignored me and left.

 

Dean has her on find my friend, so I checked if she had gone home, feeling worried. She had gone to Dean's older brothers house.

 

We clearly have VERY different morals and world views and we don't get along. What can I possibly do to resolve this situation? I feel worried sick about creating a rift in Dean's family or a rift between him and I. I am also frightened of Dean or I being confronted by his older brother about it.

 

I need some perspective on the situation! Did I do the wrong thing in the first place? How can I fix this?

I think you were way out of line and judgemental. I agree with the suggestions to write her an apology card, the sooner the better IMO, but I also think you should deliver it in person and apologise face to face.

I also think you should apologise to your bad for calling him out on a choice he is perfectly entitled to make.

Where I’m from homeless alcoholics and addicts are all over the place, slumped against walls with their eyes rolled in their head high as a kite. Your bfs mother is quite right, his lifestyle is his choice and you are putting yourself at risk by interfering with inebriated folk. I’ve had a few scary responses from homeless drunks I’ve tried to help in the past and learnt better of it. Now I stick to the sober ones, if I bother at all.

Your bf’s mother was condescending but given your rudeness and naivety I’m not surprised, though if she was really so much older and wiser than you she would have left you to your little tantrum and took the high road. I think you ought to make amends and in future you might come to agree with them if an interaction with an addict turns sour.

Being an addict or alcoholic doesn’t make someone less a human being.

I do not think you should send a card - at least not unless your boyfriend proof reads it because what you might write may come off as backhanded or insincere if you still feel you are right. Examine the following: are you just simply upset because you are scared of the brother and she went to his house and want to damage control or do you genuinely understand her side of things now and feel stupid, ashamed and slightly compassionate about her side now? There is a difference between apologizing that someone was offended vs being genuine and reflective. You are not reflective 5 seconds after it happened.

I really think it depends on mom -- if mom is always dramatic, etc walks all over people, then this may blow over, but if mom is normally fair, and even keel and undramatic person and your bf is close to her, this could be something that makes a difference to your boyfriend whether he thinks you are someone he should choose for a wife or not.

Being an addict or alcoholic doesn’t make someone less a human being.

I don't think anyone's really suggesting OP was wrong to help this man, nor that he is any less human.

The problem is the ensuing fight and how OP and her boyfriend's mom handled their different approaches to this issue, and ultimately, how they wound up in a war of words.

My mother-in-law has said worse to me we still talk. In fact my FIL even told me I didn’t belong in their family and even kicked me out on Christmas because my son had the nerve to cry at night as a 3 month old infant. I still talk to these idiots.

 

How many people would be ok if they had walked over THEIR loved one laying on the sidewalk?

The OP didn’t describe a situation where they walked over a person laying on the sidewalk. They described a situation that could be interpreted as a drunk doing what drunkards do, being very drunk laying in a doorway or on the street as they often do in some places.

Would I be ok if someone just walked over my loved one collapsed in the street? No I’d be horrified.

Would I be ok if my alcoholic loved one had drunk him/herself into a stupor in the street and passers by left them to it for fear of being abused when they woke said drunk loved one up? Yes. I would leave them to it myself!

Being an addict or alcoholic doesn’t make someone less a human being.

No it just makes them a lot more likely to respond aggressively or violently than someone who is ill or dying.

The OP didn’t describe a situation where they walked over a person laying on the sidewalk. They described a situation that could be interpreted as a drunk doing what drunkards do, being very drunk laying in a doorway or on the street as they often do in some places.

 

Would I be ok if someone just walked over my loved one collapsed in the street? No I’d be horrified.

 

Would I be ok if my alcoholic loved one had drunk him/herself into a stupor in the street and passers by left them to it for fear of being abused when they woke said drunk loved one up? Yes. I would leave them to it myself!

I would not a human being is a human being and I find life sacred. I could never live with my conscience if a person died and I walked over them and did not help .

No it just makes them a lot more likely to respond aggressively or violently than someone who is ill or dying.

That doesn’t stop anyone from calling an ambulance .

I don't think anyone's really suggesting OP was wrong to help this man, nor that he is any less human.

 

The problem is the ensuing fight and how OP and her boyfriend's mom handled their different approaches to this issue, and ultimately, how they wound up in a war of words.

Personally ,I find the boyfriend’s mother‘s response to human life repulsive but maybe it’s just me .

I think this whole issue is less about who is right or wrong in terms of helping a stranger, but rather how these two women responded to each other in doing so.

Being an addict or alcoholic doesn’t make someone less a human being.

If your loved one was passed out on the street, would you be happy with people posting about how someone should help them instead of them hopping offline and hitting the streets to find him or those like him who may be in need this very moment?

Bottom line is we could all do more and choose not to, whether for our own safety or simply for our own convenience. Maybe her mother was physically attacked or otherwise traumatized trying to assist a homeless person in the past.

Anyone who isn't well aware there are reasons beyond heartlessness to be reluctant to help in these situations quite clearly hasn't done enough of it themselves.

Further, condescending moral hyperbole for the purpose of self-gratification accomplishes very little other than just that.

The point is not whether a homeless person should be helped or not -- the issue is that it is not right to walk in and pick a fight a bit aggressively with one's boyfriend's mother. She had her reasons for doing what she did and the OP had her reasons. She could have had a calm and fruitful discussion without being so disrespectful.

If ya can whip out a phone to call for a pizza you can whip out a phone to call an ambulance . It is really just that simple . The fact that some people don’t want to do that is friggin scary . I wouldn’t trust them as far as I could chuck them . Because God forbid if I was unconscious I couldn’t trust them to help me .

Helping people is admirable.

Going off on others for not doing so in the manner you did is just you blowing your load.

 

I don't know where his mother's from, what she's seen. Here in NYC, if you're pulling aside to help every drunk passed out homeless person, you're simply not making it to work. Personally, if I can't see them breathing normally from where I am, I'll visually check for breathing, sweat, whether they're responsive. If it's concerning, I'll call it in. However, I've been verbally and physically assaulted for helping homeless people, and having witnessed others subject to the same treatment themselves, I can't say I necessarily blame people for being more reluctant to help, particularly when it comes to the increased unpredictability when potentially waking someone from a stupor. Especially if they're made aware the authorities were alerted (even if for the benefit of their health), it can and often does escalate into a violent situation as they're aware there's a decent chance they'll actually face arrest. Which isn't to say I don't think the right thing isn't to help, but that I wouldn't assume someone who doesn't to be heartless, nor myself on such a high horse I could afford to chide others on their moral character.

 

If your goal was to encourage them to live by your example (which I sincerely doubt), you'll always leave a better impression sticking to the example and foregoing the scolding of other grown adults as though they're children.

This is so true, I live in a small town and even here you wouldn’t make it to the end of the street before dusk if you stopped to check if every high/drunk addict and sleeping homeless person were still alive.

In my experience I’ve found that it’s best to offer food and drink instead of money, you know if they’re genuinely homeless and not “fakers” if they gratefully take it. Better yet I’ve offered to take them to a cafe where it’s warm and I spend time with them, ask them about their situation and advise them of the best way to access local services for the homeless is. I never approach drunks anymore. Not worth the risk.