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Thread: Want him back

  1. #1
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    Want him back

    Hi guys

    Really need advice on whether it is possible to get my ex back. We had dated for about 7 months. It started really good. We clicked right away, had amazing chemistry, could not get enough of each other for the first 3-4 months. We texted each other every day from early morning to late night, he called almost every day. We did not get to see each other often though as we are both quite busy and live far from each other. I think this was the foundation of the problem. I started to feel that I was putting more effort and he was always busy, started cancelling our dates etc. But we continued to be in very close connection via text and phone calls and he kept saying he loved me. wanted to be with me etc. There were other issues as well as I started doubting whether I was the only one he was seeing and whether he was losing interest in me. I started feeling insecure and made a lot of mistakes trying to "work it out". I feel very deeply for him and was feeling really vulnerable and surprised myself with being that way. I was married before and was always the one who had power but in this relationship I felt he had more power over me. To cut the story short, I initiated the break up because I could not let myself to fall any deeper for him not knowing what this relationship would lead to at the end. Although he always assured me he loved me and wanted to be with me I did not feel it. I sent him a message saying I wished him well and that I would remember our good moments and it was time to move on. He sent a couple of meaningless messages in response in a few days. Then I started to feel the pain and contacted him saying I loved him and I did not really want to break up but rather felt he was moving on. He said it was not true but he would not respond either way whether he wanted to get back together or not. I decided to go on no contact but broke it a couple of times. The longest I could manage was one week during which he did not contact me at all. I then contacted him saying I was getting mixed messages because he was saying he loved me and wanted me but he would not talk to me. He then responded he did not want me to message to him with messages about our relationship. I waited another few days and then messaged saying that I need a break but he could message me if he wanted at some point. I know I made many mistakes and should have just stuck to no contact but what is done is done. I am now determined to do at least 4 weeks but ideally I want to do 8 and see if this will either help me to get him back or get over him. I'd rather to have the first outcome but not sure if I screwed it badly. I read that men need about 4 weeks to feel the loss. He never had a chance to experience that. What do you guys think?. Is my situation hopeless? I am on a day 3 of no contact and I am determined to set the standards I had before I met him. I cant believe I fell so deep for him I settled for less. Any help and support is greatly appreciated. Thank you all

  2. #2
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    I understand you are hurting, but the solution is not getting back together. He never cared for you in the 1st place and if you attempt to go back, you will end up more hurt. A person needs to show their love, not just say I love you, saying 3 words is a heck of a lot easier then doing things that show your love. Take time to heal and do not contact him. The beginning will be very hard, but I promise everything will be better.

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    Thank you for your response. I felt that he cared a lot in the beginning and put a lot of effort. But once he got me he stopped trying. Perhaps it was partly my fault that I did not set the standards high but I fell in love so fast as so deep I was afraid to lose him. I understand that men like to chase women and I made myself too available. Maybe it turned him off, I dont know. I tried to get over him but I cant. But I told myself if he really loved me he would want to be back. If I cut the contact and if he does not try to reach me that would be my answer I suppose

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    I am just going to post here my progress with no contact because I feel like I need to share my struggle. And maybe someone who is going through similar situation would be interested what the outcome of no contact will be. I still welcome any comments and suggestions. Because it is the third attempt of no contact, about a month since I broke up with him and 3 month since we last saw each other I am not in such great pain as initially. However it still hurts a lot. Last time I messaged him on Jun 27th sharing the news about my new job. He congratulated me and said he was happy for me. We haven't messaged since. I feel strongly I can do it but I know it can change just like that. I know I felt it before-one day strong and next day very vulnerable. This is why I need support to pull through whatever the outcome will be

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  6. #5
    Gold Member SGH's Avatar
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    No contact shouldn't be used as a manipulation tool. Even if you succeed in regaining his attraction by removing yourself, it will be short lived once you've returned again with the same expectations. You were right to end the relationship when it was clear he wasn't as invested, evidenced by his lack of effort. Stop blaming yourself for his lack of interest. Sometimes relationships fizzle and there is nothing you can do.

    Go no contsct and stick to it. If you allow him to keep you on a string waiting and hoping for things to change, he likely will take advantage. I'm sorry for your loss, but in reality it's a win, because you've freed yourself from a person who didn't care enough to make it work.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    You're right what's done is done all you can do now is learn from this.

    Biggest lesson to learn, never play relationship chicken (breaking up with someone to get a reaction) especially not with someone who is already lukewarm.

    Your actions were quite text book, broke up expecting a reaction, no reaction, panic sets in, you try to undo it, show weakness, they now have the power.

    I've seen it happen so many times on this board, please know you are not alone.

    Unfortunately it doesn't seem like you were holding his attention very much and things indeed kinda fizzled out.

    Reconciliation isn't impossible but your best friend right now is going to be silence. Yes, 8 weeks is going to be better than 4.

    Please keep posting, keep your mind occupied. This isn't going to be easy, not by a long shot because it seems your self worth is now wrapped up in this, hopefully distance will rectify that.

    If it makes you feel any better or gives you hope a large majority of exes seem to make contact again after an extended period of silence. Do Not Contact Him.

  8. #7
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    [QUOTE=SGH;7018258]No contact shouldn't be used as a manipulation tool. Even if you succeed in regaining his attraction by removing yourself, it will be short lived once you've returned again with the same expectations.

    I am not trying to use it as manipulation at all. I am trying to heal and also give him space and time to think. I am not expecting to return with the same results. As the matter of fact I dont expect we will be back together as the more I think of it the more I realize I was blindfolded. However if he does contact and show interest I will make sure we talk and I ll set the standards I initially had so we either work together or it's over for good.
    Last edited by SmartiePants; 07-01-2018 at 07:03 AM.

  9. #8
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    "Your actions were quite text book, broke up expecting a reaction, no reaction, panic sets in, you try to undo it, show weakness, they now have the power.

    I've seen it happen so many times on this board, please know you are not alone."


    Yes, I know it was my biggest mistake. When I broke up I actually intended to end and felt strong. You are right I probably hoped for attention and it did not happen as I expected. I quickly realized I missed him so much although my friend assured me it was nothing but just chemicals playing in my brain. I tried to distract myself by going on dates but it only made things worse as I kept comparing and no one seemed good enough



    "Reconciliation isn't impossible but your best friend right now is going to be silence. Yes, 8 weeks is going to be better than 4".

    I'll try my best to heal during this period. I know it will be hard



    "This isn't going to be easy, not by a long shot because it seems your self worth is now wrapped up in this, hopefully distance will rectify that."

    Yes, sadly its all I think about all the time. I dont know how it happened. I think I just love him too much still




    "If it makes you feel any better or gives you hope a large majority of exes seem to make contact again after an extended period of silence. Do Not Contact Him."

    I dont know if it makes me feel better. I only want him back if we talk and work together. But I have feeling he wont contact me.
    Last edited by SmartiePants; 07-01-2018 at 07:13 AM.

  10. #9
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    Starting day 4 and feeling a bit down. I know it will get better, I just don't know when

  11. #10
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SmartiePants
    Starting day 4 and feeling a bit down. I know it will get better, I just don't know when
    Go for a walk, no phone, clear your head, I know this sounds horrible but try to remember the bad. Seriously, itll help you resist, if you start to think about the good times its going to be harder to say NC. Go out and distract yourself.

    You can do this. Contacting him right now will not end well.

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