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Hi guys

 

Really need advice on whether it is possible to get my ex back. We had dated for about 7 months. It started really good. We clicked right away, had amazing chemistry, could not get enough of each other for the first 3-4 months. We texted each other every day from early morning to late night, he called almost every day. We did not get to see each other often though as we are both quite busy and live far from each other. I think this was the foundation of the problem. I started to feel that I was putting more effort and he was always busy, started cancelling our dates etc. But we continued to be in very close connection via text and phone calls and he kept saying he loved me. wanted to be with me etc. There were other issues as well as I started doubting whether I was the only one he was seeing and whether he was losing interest in me. I started feeling insecure and made a lot of mistakes trying to "work it out". I feel very deeply for him and was feeling really vulnerable and surprised myself with being that way. I was married before and was always the one who had power but in this relationship I felt he had more power over me. To cut the story short, I initiated the break up because I could not let myself to fall any deeper for him not knowing what this relationship would lead to at the end. Although he always assured me he loved me and wanted to be with me I did not feel it. I sent him a message saying I wished him well and that I would remember our good moments and it was time to move on. He sent a couple of meaningless messages in response in a few days. Then I started to feel the pain and contacted him saying I loved him and I did not really want to break up but rather felt he was moving on. He said it was not true but he would not respond either way whether he wanted to get back together or not. I decided to go on no contact but broke it a couple of times. The longest I could manage was one week during which he did not contact me at all. I then contacted him saying I was getting mixed messages because he was saying he loved me and wanted me but he would not talk to me. He then responded he did not want me to message to him with messages about our relationship. I waited another few days and then messaged saying that I need a break but he could message me if he wanted at some point. I know I made many mistakes and should have just stuck to no contact but what is done is done. I am now determined to do at least 4 weeks but ideally I want to do 8 and see if this will either help me to get him back or get over him. I'd rather to have the first outcome but not sure if I screwed it badly. I read that men need about 4 weeks to feel the loss. He never had a chance to experience that. What do you guys think?. Is my situation hopeless? I am on a day 3 of no contact and I am determined to set the standards I had before I met him. I cant believe I fell so deep for him I settled for less. Any help and support is greatly appreciated. Thank you all

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I understand you are hurting, but the solution is not getting back together. He never cared for you in the 1st place and if you attempt to go back, you will end up more hurt. A person needs to show their love, not just say I love you, saying 3 words is a heck of a lot easier then doing things that show your love. Take time to heal and do not contact him. The beginning will be very hard, but I promise everything will be better.

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Thank you for your response. I felt that he cared a lot in the beginning and put a lot of effort. But once he got me he stopped trying. Perhaps it was partly my fault that I did not set the standards high but I fell in love so fast as so deep I was afraid to lose him. I understand that men like to chase women and I made myself too available. Maybe it turned him off, I dont know. I tried to get over him but I cant. But I told myself if he really loved me he would want to be back. If I cut the contact and if he does not try to reach me that would be my answer I suppose

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I am just going to post here my progress with no contact because I feel like I need to share my struggle. And maybe someone who is going through similar situation would be interested what the outcome of no contact will be. I still welcome any comments and suggestions. Because it is the third attempt of no contact, about a month since I broke up with him and 3 month since we last saw each other I am not in such great pain as initially. However it still hurts a lot. Last time I messaged him on Jun 27th sharing the news about my new job. He congratulated me and said he was happy for me. We haven't messaged since. I feel strongly I can do it but I know it can change just like that. I know I felt it before-one day strong and next day very vulnerable. This is why I need support to pull through whatever the outcome will be

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No contact shouldn't be used as a manipulation tool. Even if you succeed in regaining his attraction by removing yourself, it will be short lived once you've returned again with the same expectations. You were right to end the relationship when it was clear he wasn't as invested, evidenced by his lack of effort. Stop blaming yourself for his lack of interest. Sometimes relationships fizzle and there is nothing you can do.

 

Go no contsct and stick to it. If you allow him to keep you on a string waiting and hoping for things to change, he likely will take advantage. I'm sorry for your loss, but in reality it's a win, because you've freed yourself from a person who didn't care enough to make it work.

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You're right what's done is done all you can do now is learn from this.

 

Biggest lesson to learn, never play relationship chicken (breaking up with someone to get a reaction) especially not with someone who is already lukewarm.

 

Your actions were quite text book, broke up expecting a reaction, no reaction, panic sets in, you try to undo it, show weakness, they now have the power.

 

I've seen it happen so many times on this board, please know you are not alone.

 

Unfortunately it doesn't seem like you were holding his attention very much and things indeed kinda fizzled out.

 

Reconciliation isn't impossible but your best friend right now is going to be silence. Yes, 8 weeks is going to be better than 4.

 

Please keep posting, keep your mind occupied. This isn't going to be easy, not by a long shot because it seems your self worth is now wrapped up in this, hopefully distance will rectify that.

 

If it makes you feel any better or gives you hope a large majority of exes seem to make contact again after an extended period of silence. Do Not Contact Him.

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No contact shouldn't be used as a manipulation tool. Even if you succeed in regaining his attraction by removing yourself, it will be short lived once you've returned again with the same expectations.

 

I am not trying to use it as manipulation at all. I am trying to heal and also give him space and time to think. I am not expecting to return with the same results. As the matter of fact I dont expect we will be back together as the more I think of it the more I realize I was blindfolded. However if he does contact and show interest I will make sure we talk and I ll set the standards I initially had so we either work together or it's over for good.

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"Your actions were quite text book, broke up expecting a reaction, no reaction, panic sets in, you try to undo it, show weakness, they now have the power.

 

I've seen it happen so many times on this board, please know you are not alone."

 

 

Yes, I know it was my biggest mistake. When I broke up I actually intended to end and felt strong. You are right I probably hoped for attention and it did not happen as I expected. I quickly realized I missed him so much although my friend assured me it was nothing but just chemicals playing in my brain. I tried to distract myself by going on dates but it only made things worse as I kept comparing and no one seemed good enough

 

 

 

"Reconciliation isn't impossible but your best friend right now is going to be silence. Yes, 8 weeks is going to be better than 4".

 

I'll try my best to heal during this period. I know it will be hard

 

 

 

"This isn't going to be easy, not by a long shot because it seems your self worth is now wrapped up in this, hopefully distance will rectify that."

 

Yes, sadly its all I think about all the time. I dont know how it happened. I think I just love him too much still

 

 

 

 

"If it makes you feel any better or gives you hope a large majority of exes seem to make contact again after an extended period of silence. Do Not Contact Him."

 

I dont know if it makes me feel better. I only want him back if we talk and work together. But I have feeling he wont contact me.

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Starting day 4 and feeling a bit down. I know it will get better, I just don't know when

 

Go for a walk, no phone, clear your head, I know this sounds horrible but try to remember the bad. Seriously, itll help you resist, if you start to think about the good times its going to be harder to say NC. Go out and distract yourself.

 

You can do this. Contacting him right now will not end well.

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The funny thing is I cant really recall anything bad. We never had any arguments and he is not the type of guy who would hurt or say anything hurtful. I did try to think of something bad but there is just nothing comes up. I am not intended to contact him. I decided to do at least 35 days and see what happens. I am going through "no contact" thread and noticing that guys are at their worst after 30 days mark, missing gf like crazy etc. So I told myself, I'll give him that space and if by 35 days mark he wont contact me, I probably will when he is the most vulnerable (if at all ). But I am not sure how if I would feel the need to contact him. I just want to hear the final word from him because he never said "yes" or "no" to trying to rebuild relationship. See what happens down the road

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Yes I am trying to let him go. Its just beyond my power. I know I will get to that point but not just yet. I hope no contact would really help me to heal and by the end of the 35 day I wont feel the need to contact him. Besides I have another guy on my radar I am planning to start dating. Its hard but he is a nice guy. So we'll see

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Today was OK. Thought of him half of the day and had a sudden urge to text him at some point. Shut the phone off and put it in my purse instead. Then all of the sudden decided he was not worth all my suffering and if he really loves me and wants me he will make an effort to reach me at some point to work things out. If not then I deserve someone who would want me and would be willing to work on relationship during bumpy times. This made me feel much better and my self confidence got a boost. Also kinda tried to switch my mind onto another guy who I am planning to go out soon with. Not sure if anything will come out of it but worth trying. At least for the purpose of getting my mind off my ex. Day 5 is almost over

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Thank you for your response. I felt that he cared a lot in the beginning and put a lot of effort. But once he got me he stopped trying. Perhaps it was partly my fault that I did not set the standards high but I fell in love so fast as so deep I was afraid to lose him. I understand that men like to chase women and I made myself too available. Maybe it turned him off, I dont know. I tried to get over him but I cant. But I told myself if he really loved me he would want to be back. If I cut the contact and if he does not try to reach me that would be my answer I suppose
(I don't have suggestions on reconciliation--too hard and too painful, but your experience is like mine, I can't help to chain in)

 

You are not alone, like another reply says. I went through similar rocky relationship, and ended it for the exactly same reason, and I didn't want anything to do with my ex at the time of breakup and the first month. Then I broke my NC.

 

No matter what he said to you, the first few months was just a show, I learned to not take that period too seriously, meaning that period does NOT reflect who he is, hence, do not let yourself fall for him . And don't blame yourself, we will be better next time.

 

I didn't set my standard high either, I am not high maintenance, but I do have my preference, which he cracked it and pushed my boundaries. it was so sneaky that I let it go unnoticed. Yes, next time, we will say no no no to things we aren't comfortable with from the beginning, if he gets turned off then he gets crossed from your dating life.

 

Here are some clichés:

1 Maybe he liked you, maybe not, that's not under your control. More importantly, remind yourself that does not define who you are, how wonderful you are.

2 Accept the relationship, which you care(d) the most and want(ed) the most (I did too), is not available. Accept that, so you can start to make peace with yourself. Try to go out, don't stay at home too much time.

3 talk to us here, or trees , plants, river, (if you feel your friends are bored about your stories) when you have thought about him. And no contact with him.

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Unfortunately it sounds like the newness wore off and the complications with distance took its toll. There's not much you could have or shouldn't have done. Basically he was losing interest doing the "slow fade" method to end things and you sensed it and pulled the plug. The distance and 'too busy' thing won't be fixed no matter what you do . Just stay no contact, he knows your info but hasn't contacted you, right?

We did not get to see each other often though as we are both quite busy and live far from each other. I think this was the foundation of the problem. I started to feel that I was putting more effort and he was always busy, started cancelling our dates etc.
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Thank you maybejune. The more I think of it the more I realize how stupid I was. I still cant believe in 7 months I fell so deeply for him as never before. How is it even possible? What has he done to me? He just charmed me, seduced me and then threw away and moved on. And stupid me still loves him even though I realize he does not deserve my love. Its hard on me because I don't know how to trust someone next.

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Wiseman2, Yes its exactly how I felt. He was fading away creating the circumstances that it would look like I was the one who is crazy and he was fine with everything. He is the type of guy who would never say anything bad or hurtful or do anything that would look bad. I bet he did not want to end it from his side but was doing everything to push me to end it so he would remain a "nice guy". BTW the "distance" was only about 40 min away

Yes he knows my # and of course he did not reach me and never will. Not what I care anymore. Having said that, I actually sent him a text this morning not because I felt I needed to reach him but rather I was still hoping he would admit its over so I would be 100% certain to move on to the next guy. He did not respond, I knew he would not. Who cares, I tried. At least I know its over because he avoids the subject. We never had a closure ,so I followed up with final email where I stated what I thought of our relatioship, what was good and bad, wished him luck and let it go. Funny enough, I felt I needed to do that to feel better and I am now. I read people get depressed when they break no contact and dont hear back. I actually dont care because I know he wont respond. I know he will read it. I got my point across. There is nothing else left to say. I feel great today for doing that and finally dropping the weight of uncertanty off my shoulders. I know its over, even though he never confirmed that verbally, I'll take his ignoring me as yes. I will keep posting here as I am sure I will feel ups and downs down the road. I wont contact him and neither will he reach me. As of today I care more about myself and my worth than about him. Sure enough he was fun and handsome, but its not enough and not worth my suffering. I still love him, but it will pass. Time heals

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When I look back I realize I should've paid more attention to some things. But when you are in love you are blind, right? We both came out of long term relationship before we met. Although I am now doubtful he actually did come out. Maybe he is still with her, I don't know and don't care. I was married before and they lived in common law. He was the first guy I let near me after my ex husband, and it actually took me almost 2 years because I dont take relationships lightly. He said he had 3 gf after his long term gf. I now think its easy for him to jump from one gf to another. I was just a number on his gf list. I was stupid enough to think I was somehow more special? haha. Oh well, at least I learned something

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Thank you ! I am slowly recovering. Yes you are right. I should have never let him into my life. But first I did not think I would fall for him and when I did I thought he was serious with me. Stupid me I know. Yes I sent him text and an email but not out of desperation but because I now realize it's over and he is not going to be back. So might as well let him know my thoughts. Not what he cared but I felt better letting it out. Honestly I don't care if he is back which I know he is not. Even if by some magic chance he was I would think twice. Today I still feel a bit sad but nothing as before. Its been three months since I saw him and 6 weeks since the breakup. I keep reading about breakup withdrawal and I understand that feelings I experience is chemical reaction to addiction withdrawal.

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Same guy maybe? Lol jk :tongue:

 

LOLOL

 

Yes I am not going to contact him. I said everything I wanted. Plus he is ignoring me which is good. No insults is going to happen here. He avoids conflicts by just ignoring them LOL

 

You seem like a good person who cares too much! Keep that beautiful heart, but get tougher and watch things get better for you! I just learned being too caring is a curse lol. Be cautious of who you give yourself too.

 

Thank you for your kind words. I do get attached deeply. Funny enough I am not even mad at him for anything, and I just wanted to close it peacefully so I feel good about how it ended. I dont want him to have any hard feelings for me either. Its just did not work out but its all good :)

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Yeah and BTW today is back to day 1 of NC which went well. I still think of him but more now trying to analyze the relationship and actually finding some bad sides of it now LOL. I ask my friend to text me bad things about him and it helps too. There are a couple of things he hid from me and was not completely truthful about other few things which I ignored but should not. So focusing on that instead to bring my mind to the right state and tell myself how blind and stupid I was. But on the other hand good thoughts creeping in too when he seemed so pure and said things I thought were from his heart. Ugh. He is such a snake after all. I need to focus more on his actions, not words

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Yes so true about the song

I am actually thankful for his time in my life. Maybe I should not have to but I did wrote him about how I felt in our relationship . I felt like I had to so he knows I left not because I did not love him but for other reasons. Again, not what he cares but I wanted him to know. I told him he was my best yet which is true. I dont know how in the world I fell so deep for him. I said I accept the fact he is not into me anymore and I just let it go and move on. He did not care a bit LOL

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