Grief with my boyfriend is unbearable

My boyfriend of 5 years have broken (I broke up with him reluctantly) a few times because he lied to me about his finances (irresponsible by charging too much etc) and I knew I couldn’t live with him under those circumstances. We missed each other so badly each time we reconciled and he promised to be honest. Last time we reconciled he swore he completely changed but I’ve learned he did something dishonest last month by using his elderly parents credit card. I haven’t told him yet but obviously I need to do so ASAP and break up.

I’m completely devastated and so unbearably lonely without him. I’ve dated others during our breaks and just never got a connection like I do with him.

I’m ready to give up. I’m a widow and all alone. I don’t see any future.

I can’t go on like this much longer.

How do you know he used his parent's credit cards and whether or not it was inappropriate?

He told me about ordering a publication last fall which renewed recently. He has shared his card info with me in the past and he never used it but it shows on his parents statement that he left out inadvertently when I saw him recently. In the past he told me his parent told him to use the card if he wants but his parent is almost broke and can’t pay the whole bill.

When this happened in the past I told him it was unacceptable since he can and should pay it with his own money. Then we broke up and then he told me he is completely changed. That’s a lie in my book.

OK, so he used the card with permission. Also, subscriptions will renew automatically unless you remember to cancel them in time and sometimes even then, companies often disregard the cancellation and charge the card hoping you won't fight it. He didn't actually lie to you and he is not defrauding his parents. What his parents can and cannot do is really not your business. Why are you so involved in their finances?

He wants to marry me SOON. because of that and since he doesn’t have much money and I do I need to be proactive by not marrying or even living with someone who can detrimentally affect my finances.

I was similarly wondering why he's financially responsible to you. Did you two live together with him failing to pay rent or something? I think it's fair enough if someone doesn't make enough or spends more than you'd be comfortable with should you consider sharing a financial burden with them, but I don't think it's appropriate at all for you to be telling him what he can or can't purchase with or without a card he has permission to use. Dumping him was the appropriate measure, not taking him back and policing his spending. Again, it's not that I think you should run and take him back if you know you're not compatible in a very significant way, but that perhaps if this is indicative of the kind of boundaries you press, you're not going to be attracting the highest caliber men.

If a guy doesn't have a lot of money - that's fine, but as long as he is living within his means. Charging luxuries like magazines to afford them to me is not responsible - you work and make that $5-30 to subscribe. I don't think you should marry him because you don't respect him (if someone charges something on their own card and pays it off every month - who are you to judge).

Why are you looking at his parents' credit card statements?? Are you sure they didn't order his magazine as a gift to him. And why is he sharing his credit card number with you?

Why does he want to marry you so soon if you've been together for 5 years already?

What's the rush?

Why does he want to marry you so soon if you've been together for 5 years already?

 

What's the rush?

To lock her down before she finds out more?

I side with her and maybe I am projecting here, but I think there is more to the story.

Someones attitudes about money spill out in so many different ways. After 5 years my guess is she saw a lot of clues, some leading to patterns and some shady money managing. She's evaluating him as a life partner and told him how she felt. Instead of concrete changes, he's now lying to cover it up.

We aren't talking about kids here either. References to elderly parents and the OP being a widow.

I don't blame her.

But again, this is a sensitive subject to me, so it colors my response.

If you don't trust him and don't respect his financial decisions, don't marry him. The issues will only grow over time. Consider getting out of the relationship altogether. It sounds like the two of you simply aren't compatible.

Don't think anyone disagrees with her decision if she believes they're financially incompatible. What you don't do is take them back if you're gonna go off on them renewing a publication and if you're going to be reading their parents' statements (????????). Giving the OP the benefit of this being a relatively isolated dynamic and not some tip of the iceberg, I'll just mildly suggest it's an unhealthy level of intrusion in an attempt to control.

It doesn't sound like you like or respect him at all and are completely lost in money money money. If you both genuinely want the relationship to work and one partner is struggling financially, why not work as a team to fix the problem? Can you get him in front of a financial adviser or accountant and see how you all can budget and assist him with reducing debt? I mean it's what couples do when one partner is neck deep in debt. Have some plan on how to manage things and then see if he is able to stick to it.

If you are just going to judge him and dictate what is and isn't acceptable, then go ahead and dump him already. You two aren't compatible and your relationship sounds shallow. 5 years together and you come off like you think he is just a gold digger and after your loot.

Elder financial abuse is a crime. Read up on it. It includes being coerced often by an adult child. So is identity theft or any theft. He will steal from you as well. You're the perfect target. Widowed, lonely, desperate. He's already lined you up for when his parents die and the well runs dry. That's the only reason he wants to marry...easier access to your money. He doesn't love you.

Immediately check your credit report and change all your passwords. Check your bank accounts and credit card balances. Tell your children/family immediately.

using his elderly parents credit card.I’m a widow and all alone.

I think people are getting lost in the details here. The guy wants to marry this woman so he can spend HER MONEY! Just do not marry this guy and lock up all your credit cards so he can't get at them. You can continue the relationship with him, but just lay down the law that you are not marrying him and you will never marry him. See if he stays interested in you. If he can't get your money, he may move on to someone else. Also tell him you're not loaning him money.

The guy wants to marry this woman so he can spend HER MONEY! If he can't get your money, he may move on to someone else. Also tell him you're not loaning him money.

uuhhhmmm maybe, maybe not.

If he was the opportunist you make him out to be, he would have picked an easier target.

Remember, they've been together for 5 years.

She doesn't mention anything about him taking advantage of her and her money and there was never any mention of a loan.

I think people are getting lost in the details here.

Maybe it's because it's Friday and we aren't paying attention to the details.

This is the classic easy target: "I’m a widow and all alone". Read up on elder financial exploitation. Nobody just uses elderly parents credit cards who are on a fixed budget. Giant red flag. Setting her up for 5 years as the next target is quite common. A sociopath like this knows his current targets will die soon and the well will run dry. That's the reason he's romancing her and insisting on getting married. She's already seeing the tip of the sociopath iceberg with pathological lying.

he would have picked an easier target.

This is the classic easy target: "I’m a widow and all alone". Read up on elder financial exploitation. Nobody just uses elderly parents credit cards who are on a fixed budget. Giant red flag. Setting her up for 5 years as the next target is quite common. A sociopath like this knows his current targets will die soon and the well will run dry. That's the reason he's romancing her and insisting on getting married. She's already seeing the tip of the sociopath iceberg with pathological lying.

Bingo.

This was exactly my thought as I read through this, which was why I asked what his sudden marriage rush is.

OP, if you do decide to marry him, please work with a great lawyer and get yourself a prenup. Keep finances separate now, and for the future, and include every property, every asset. If he balks at signing it, you'll have your answer.

Using his parents' credit card without their knowledge isn't just against the law, it's despicable. I have parents in their 80's, and I wouldn't dream of doing that. Disgusting.

I appreciate everyone’s input. I asked him today about his moms card in general and he said he doesn’t use it; lied about the balance (said it is “about” 5k but I know it’s almost 5700; told me he makes nominal payments of $50 per month but I know he pays $150 per month and told me the estate lawyer told him only to pay min payments since when she dies there will be no assets in the estate. The lawyer is his ex gf and I know her so the advice sounds suspicious. I think he told me 50 per month to throw me off on the balance but the min is usually 1 or 2 percent of the balance plus interest so the monthly payment would have to be more than 50. That would only be 1 percent of 5k. I’ve concluded that despite him telling me he’s changed and can’t live without me it’s hopeless and I don’t think I’m looking for reasons to leave him.

Hi- I have a good friend, her husband most of the time is telling lies and it's always the source of their arguments. When they were dating, that's their issue and my friend was hoping he would change but unfortunately he did not. In every relationship, trust is needed. Now my friend's marriage is not doing well because she could not trust her husband anymore.

I'm sorry that you are hurting. When I broke up with my past boyfriend because of other woman I was deeply hurt, I was afraid of getting into a relationship again so I prayed that I would be with a man who honestly loves me. I found a man who truly loves me and been married for 22 years. I pray that you will feel better and you will also be with a man that will truly love you. Keep us posted. Take care.

Wow. Why isn't a grown man using his own card? Please leave this liar, thief and sociopath. Hopefully you realize elder financial exploitation is a crime. That includes what he's doing. Also fraud is a crime. In fact all of what he's doing are federal felonies. Run Run Run.

told me the estate lawyer told him only to pay min payments since when she dies there will be no assets in the estate. The lawyer is his ex gf

I’ve concluded that despite him telling me he’s changed and can’t live without me it’s hopeless and I don’t think I’m looking for reasons to leave him.

You don't need to find reasons to justify leaving someone, especially not as you already know what this guy's about - and he's bad news.

One of the real problems here is that you ARE lonely, and looking to him to be the source of all the good things in your life. This is dangerous, even if the other person is the most honourable character who ever lived, because the level of dependency this sets up is unhealthy and prevents you from living your life to the full.

If you're not ready to end the relationship, or you know in your heart of hearts that if you did then it wouldn't be long before you reconciled, then don't end it. At least not yet.

You already know what sort of person he is, and there's no need to look for any further evidence. Instead of focusing on him, focus on YOU. Develop your own interests, and get involved in activities which will bring you in contact with a wider range of people. If you need some kind of therapy to support you, then seek it out. In other words, take care of yourself and let the relationship take care of itself. Where you need to be proactive is finding a life where you're not emotionally dependent on him.

DO NOT let him into a situation where he will have any access to your finances whatsoever. If he's sincere in his attachment to you, the money won't be relevant.

I don’t know how long or if I can stay in this relationship. He has lied to me so many times and I’ve had to break up with him as a result several times. He has promised to changed so many times. I stayed with him and helped him emotionally when he was at his lowest and unemployed for 8 months. I’ve taught him how to budget money etc. I’m almost 61 and although lonely how many more lies can I or should I take?

It feels like a dagger each time he does this. Why does he continue knowing it’s hurting me and our future he says he wants with me so badly?

Right now you are lonely and with a criminal. If you proceed you will be lonely And broke. He doesn't want budgeting lessons, he wants a new cash-cow lined up when the mother who he is financially exploiting now dies. You are nothing but the next easy target for his financial exploitation. Do you really think he's going to treat you better than the mother he's financially exploiting?