He called me the C word

Here’s the situation. I found out today at the vet that I have to put my cat down in the next day or two . I’m devastated. So I was on the phone with my boyfriend tonight only a few hours after I found all of this out. I told him the situation and he just didn’t sound compassionate at all. He said “yeah that’s a real bummer.” And hearing him say that made me so upset and I was already very emotional and I told him “you sound so stupid”. I regret saying it. It was mean and I’m aware of that. I was just so upset and what he said really bothered me. He hung up on me and then I tried calling him back and he responded just now saying “I'll be here ready to chat when you feel less y”. I’m stunned.

We’ve been together for 8 months now and we don’t really ever fight. At least not like this. He’s never called me names before. He also knows how much I love my cat and how sad I am.

Did I deserve the response he gave me? And am I being overly sensitive?

I haven’t gotten back to his text yet. I’m not sure how I should go forward with this.

Honestly? I would never contact him again.

I guess I’m just ****y like that.

No, he needs to apologize big time. You are about to lose your cat that you love. If you can’t be a bit cranky then, when can you?

PS: I am really sorry for your coming loss. :(

To be honest, neither of you called each other a name.... just the behavior/attitude. But yes, poorly phrased.

But for a dude to hang up on his grieving girlfriend who is about to lose a family member? He's an a-hole. You should ditch him. You deserved the emotional support and his response was extremely inappropriate.

We’ve been together for 8 months now and we don’t really ever fight.

Has he ever dismissed your feelings before?

Nooooo. Oh heck no. If the person I was with had zero compassion for this horrible time in my life, I could never feel the same about them again. You’re emotional and hurting, yes I agree you shouldn’t have said what you said but we all say and do things we don’t mean when we are super emotional. He has no compassion for your loss and what you are going through. I am a huge animal person this hurts my heart and I am so sorry for your loss. I’m not saying break up with him but if it were me I don’t think I could look at him the same. What happens when a close family member dies? Should you again stop being so ****y when you are hurting?

Does he have pets himself? It’s no excuse for his rudeness but sometimes it can be hard for people who don’t have pets to understand that losing them is like losing a family member. Might be why he came across as dismissive?

What happens when a close family member dies?

Yup. If this is how he acts toward the upcoming loss of a pet, just think of how “supportive” he will be when you lose a human family member. 8 months into dating, he’s proving to you that he won’t. Hell no you aren’t being a snowflake.

It’s no excuse for his rudeness but sometimes it can be hard for people who don’t have pets to understand that losing them is like losing a family member.

I agree with this sentiment, but I strongly doubt it’s ignorance. Him hanging up on her while she was grieving and resorting to use one of the worst vulgar word choice was beyond rude- it was cruel to shut her out when he should be her supportive partner. Actions speak louder than words. A person who truly cared would use an empathetic approach by saying “I am so sorry you are hurting” rather than “that’s a bummer” and later throwing a temper tantrum back at a grieving person. I don’t like cats personally but I wouldn’t even stoop to that level with my best friend if she lost her cat.

Both of yall are at fault. What if he didn't know what to say in that situation? Because I certainly don't and I have had pets and family members that have died. Whenever someone says something dies I just say "I'm sorry." I just know whatever I say will mean absolutley nothing because it's going to die( I'm sorry for your lost by the way). However I might not know what to say but I certainly try to show it in other ways. Like just giving them a shoulder to cry on or hugging the person or just taking them out to try to cheer them up. So he might not be the word smith your looking for but if he dones't show it another way I would say dump him.

This didn't need to go to the level of name calling but you're emotional right now so I would just try to calm down before attempting to call him again. What he said is not bothersome in my book.

Have you guys never fought because you've overlooked insensitive behavior in the past? I know not everyone understands how difficult it is to lose a pet, but I'm surprised his complete lack of empathy has never popped up before. It's easy to be with someone when everything is going well in life. People show their true colors when difficulties arise. If he's been a great boyfriend, maybe you should stay with him, but his response definitely warrants a serious conversation and an attitude change.

You didn't like how he behaved, so you called his behavior a name. He didn't like how you behaved, so he called your behavior a name.

You're already suffering a loss, and my heart goes out to you. Decide whether you want to create a second issue on top of the first, or whether you'll focus on your beautiful animal for now and get through what you need to do on your own.

There's something shocking about loss that demonstrates to us that no matter how good or badly others behave around us, we're still 'alone' in OUR loss. We can compound that problem by acting out in an attempt to control the behaviors of others, or we can focus on our own grief--which will eventually lead to our own healing.

Nobody else can take our pain from us. We get to decide whether to make that fact more painful than it needs to be, but we cannot change it.

Only 8 mos in and you're both already this verbally abusive to each other? End this asap. His response was fine. It's not his fault you pet is ill. You started the verbal abuse round and now want pity. Get a handle on managing stress and displacing anger in an abusive manner like this. Don't dish out what you can't take.

I told him “you sound so stupid”.

he responded just now saying “I'll be here ready to chat when you feel less y”.

So you're telling us that normally you've never ever had such a fight before and he acted like this after you put your cat down?

He said “yeah that’s a real bummer.” And hearing him say that made me so upset and I was already very emotional and I told him “you sound so stupid”. I regret saying it. It was mean and I’m aware of that. He hung up on me and then I tried calling him back and he responded just now saying “I'll be here ready to chat when you feel less y”.

You are both wrong. His response to news of the cat wasn't exactly what you wanted.

You are however on the phone and he did acknowledge it was bad news.

Maybe you were hoping for a little more enthusiasm behind it, but he did acknowledge it. In turn you tell him he sounds stupid?

Yah, I might hang up on you too.

Now he's lowered himself your level and slings back an insult.

Unfortunate timing for you both to be dealing with each other so immaturely.

Sorry about the kitty. Went through the same thing last year.

Came back to add - When someone goes as low as to use the C word suggests that a lot of other insults have been previously used before hand. That C word is typically saved for when all other words have lost their impact. Tell me you two don't cuss at each other in the heat of moment once in while, if not routinely.

My ex, when my beloved cat (that I had had LONG before I met him) was dying, told me "You sound like a crazy cat lady," (because I was distraught on the phone that the cat wasn't eating, and I was trying to hand feed her with no success). Perhaps even worse, when I found out my cat was dying "Well, it's not like it's an actual person or anything." (This last thing was said as a sort of "one-up" type of thing, as his previous ex-girlfriend's mother was dying at that time, and he was basically making a comparison and shaming me for being so upset about a cat when "actual people" were dying...ugh.)

Now, my ex had LONG before this proven to be a bonafide ass, so none of this was a surprise to me, but it stands out as just one of several things that should have made me run as fast as possible from him. If a significant other knows you are in pain and treats you as though your pain is trivial, ridiculous, tiresome, whatever, that person is NOT the person for you. And, I would add that if that person knows how important your pets are to you and disregards that, or criticizes it in some way (my ex was constantly taking "crazy cat lady" digs at me, criticizing me for spending too much money -- my OWN money, not a dime of his -- on my cat's medical bills, etc.) that person is definitely not for you. Oddly enough, my ex texted condolences, and even bought me a card, once my cat actually DID pass, but I still believe, many years later, that he did so only because EVERYONE else around me -- friends, family, our co-workers (we worked together) was doing so, and he was witnessing it and didn't want to look like the "bad guy," so his words rang hollow to me.

Bottom line: You have to decide whether or not you want to risk continuing this relationship knowing that this may happen again and again and think about how much you're willing to put up with. You say you haven't really fought prior to this, but this may be that defining moment when you realize that perhaps he isn't who you previously thought he was.

Be done with this jerk! That is he most offensive thing a woman can be called. He has zero respect for you!

I'm sorry about your kitty.

He has zero respect for you!

And telling him he sounds stupid isn't?

I agree with the C word, bytheway . . but they both are guilty . .imo

And telling him he sounds stupid isn't?

 

I agree with the C word, bytheway . . but they both are guilty . .imo

Nothing is bad as the C word! That is over the top. If he had called her a b*tch, i would not feel the same.

She should not have called him "stupid," but when a man uses that word, he shows he has no respect.

My ex, when my beloved cat (that I had had LONG before I met him) was dying, told me "You sound like a crazy cat lady," (because I was distraught on the phone that the cat wasn't eating, and I was trying to hand feed her with no success). Perhaps even worse, when I found out my cat was dying "Well, it's not like it's an actual person or anything." (This last thing was said as a sort of "one-up" type of thing, as his previous ex-girlfriend's mother was dying at that time, and he was basically making a comparison and shaming me for being so upset about a cat when "actual people" were dying...ugh.)

 

Now, my ex had LONG before this proven to be a bonafide ass, so none of this was a surprise to me, but it stands out as just one of several things that should have made me run as fast as possible from him. If a significant other knows you are in pain and treats you as though your pain is trivial, ridiculous, tiresome, whatever, that person is NOT the person for you. And, I would add that if that person knows how important your pets are to you and disregards that, or criticizes it in some way (my ex was constantly taking "crazy cat lady" digs at me, criticizing me for spending too much money -- my OWN money, not a dime of his -- on my cat's medical bills, etc.) that person is definitely not for you. Oddly enough, my ex texted condolences, and even bought me a card, once my cat actually DID pass, but I still believe, many years later, that he did so only because EVERYONE else around me -- friends, family, our co-workers (we worked together) was doing so, and he was witnessing it and didn't want to look like the "bad guy," so his words rang hollow to me.

 

Bottom line: You have to decide whether or not you want to risk continuing this relationship knowing that this may happen again and again and think about how much you're willing to put up with. You say you haven't really fought prior to this, but this may be that defining moment when you realize that perhaps he isn't who you previously thought he was.

Good post!!!!

You didn't like how he behaved, so you called his behavior a name. He didn't like how you behaved, so he called your behavior a name.

 

You're already suffering a loss, and my heart goes out to you. Decide whether you want to create a second issue on top of the first, or whether you'll focus on your beautiful animal for now and get through what you need to do on your own.

 

There's something shocking about loss that demonstrates to us that no matter how good or badly others behave around us, we're still 'alone' in OUR loss. We can compound that problem by acting out in an attempt to control the behaviors of others, or we can focus on our own grief--which will eventually lead to our own healing.

 

Nobody else can take our pain from us. We get to decide whether to make that fact more painful than it needs to be, but we cannot change it.

^^^^ This is what you should really focus on, Op. The rest is just noise in your head.

As for your boyfriend. You'll know what you will do about him when you've become stronger after your loss which I am sorry you have to endure.

You are both wrong. His response to news of the cat wasn't exactly what you wanted.

You are however on the phone and he did acknowledge it was bad news.

Maybe you were hoping for a little more enthusiasm behind it, but he did acknowledge it. In turn you tell him he sounds stupid?

Yah, I might hang up on you too.

Now he's lowered himself your level and slings back an insult.

Unfortunate timing for you both to be dealing with each other so immaturely.

 

Sorry about the kitty. Went through the same thing last year.

 

Came back to add - When someone goes as low as to use the C word suggests that a lot of other insults have been previously used before hand. That C word is typically saved for when all other words have lost their impact. Tell me you two don't cuss at each other in the heat of moment once in while, if not routinely.

This rings close to what I was going to say. You both were wrong, but he did lower himself beneath your level by calling you such a degrading word. If this is how he reacts, by seriously overcompensating upon confrontation the first time you guys fight, then I would be very cautious of him from now on. How did the other smaller "fights" you mentioned go?

Some will say to dump him immediately. I would say to assert yourself in this situation by sternly telling him to never degrade you, that it is unacceptable, and apologize for calling him names at the start. See how he reacts. If he doesn't apologize, after you do and assert your boundaries, then I would say dump him. At that point he lost all respect for you.

100% agree with yatsue

I’m sorry but once the C word is used there just is no coming back from it. I know he retaliated by what you said. What worries me is that’s the first thing he could think of in his defense!

That should never be used by anybody no matter how angry they get!!

I had an ex overuse that word on me and so I cringe whenever I read it or see it.

Op you just lost a pet and your grief brought out his true colors. I would think it’s only going to go downhill from here if you both can’t communicate effectively!

ya pretty much called him stupid.

I support animal rescues and even give big donations. So suffice it to say I like pets. But people do not get to be abusive just because a pet is dying.

My ex gf's cat suddenly had a heart attack in front of us. She was so freaked out she even gave the cat mouth to mouth.

I was at home all day to work from my home office.

After about 6-7 hours of being upset , she got demanding and was upset that I didn't want to dig her cat's grave.

She claimed it would be hard on her arms and shoulders.

Finally she gave up but was very snotty about it and told me I was an "emotionalless clod"

So I told her to stop act like such a spoiled B word.

She just used that as fuel for more anger instead of a learning a lesson.

In this situation he was being insensitive. When it comes to pets they become family, and more important than someone your dating. If something like that happened to Coal amd my ol lady reacted like your bf did she’d be single in a heartbeat.