Looking to bring closure to my main problem(s)

I'll try to be brief and cut to the chase. If you want details filled in, ask and I'll try.

Nutshell - I'm a 27 year old virgin, male, never had a gf, never had any involvement with girls of any kind. I'm convinced unquestionably that all women (repeat ALL women) find me unattractive and undesirable, and that this fact is unchangeable.

So - In recent years my mindset has developed into one of wanting to learn to accept this fact, rather than to do like most other people do and try to "improve themselves" or "turn their lives around" so as to try to achieve what they and everyone else wants. I know for a fact it could never happen for me, so my goal is to try to learn how I can be content without it. The only big hurdle is the biological desires built within me. It makes it next to impossible. Thus, I still live in abject misery, resentment, jealousy, and depression because of it. I believe if I could purge the desire for sex/love/companionship/etc., the rest of my inner peace would fall into place and I can be happy. It's the only hope I've got at achieving peace of mind and happiness, because the girl part is sure as hell not going to happen. Otherwise, I will have to end my life because I cannot live like this. So I would like to discuss such possibilities here.

Thank you.

How long have you felt so negatively about yourself and do you have any insight into why you feel this way? I think you could benefit from some therapy to get to the root of your issues so that you can then live a good and nice life. If you truly feel suicidal please call the suicide prevention hotline as they can and will help you.

What is it about you that makes you so sure you are unattractive to all women? Both physical and personality issues can be improved. Therapy may help you set goals and pinpoint some of the areas you would like to have change or growth in. Based on your attitude in this post, you have pretty low self-esteem, which in and of itself can be a huge turn-off for women. Instead of giving up, why not take the focus off of what women think and make a commitment to being a you that you're proud of? I guarantee that you will attract a woman when you've increased your confidence via self-care.

You need to find a situation where you will be around women. Like volunteer to take care of homeless pets, or join a political campaign. Take an adult education course or get a part-time job in retail. Anywhere where women are. It's been my experience that someone will take a liking to you and chat you up. There are lonely women out there who are looking to meet a nice man. Also have a woman friend or relative do a critique of you -- how you dress, how you look, how you come off as. Sometimes a little adjustment like smiling more or asking people how they are, etc., can make a big difference. But you will have to take care of your "abject misery, resentment, jealousy and depression." You might need a little happy pill to even yourself out, just until you're back on your feet. You get back what you put out. Give it a try.

I can't figure out how to quote bits of multiple posts in one post, so I'll just try to answer it all here.

I know I'm unattractive/undesirable simply because I know it. I don't really know how to answer that question any other way than that. It's not rocket science to figure out, but for some reason people tend to pose that question as if one can't possibly be correct about their self-image, and it must therefore be that they're wrong/misguided etc. Looking in the mirror is the first way to know. But beyond that, my lifetime of experiences tell me it's so. Examples of such experiences could fill endless volumes, and I wouldn't even know where to start. Regardless, I did not really want to discuss this. I've moved past the phase of wanting to correct my problems and turn things around. I've moved on into looking for ways to accept my situation, and trying find a way to destroy the desire for these things so I can live peacefully. As it is, daily life is torture. I have to sit there and watch everyone else achieve easily what is impossible for me to have. I'm willing to try anything if I can be sure it will work, including castration.

I don't think you yourself are really sold on the idea of giving up. It's like you're in the stages of grief, but you're still angry rather than accepting (minus urges) as your post tries to say. Being at peace with permanent virginity might help your body calm down. But nobody died and you can still try to find someone if you really don't want to have this as your fate. How did Danny Devito get married?? He's the Penguin! I know a couple of very ugly guys that are cheerful and married. Neither of them are particularly bright either, or talented. Or rich. But you didn't ask for help improving your situation, so my advice is, first, fully accept your decision to give up hope. Maybe pay for a reputable escort so you get to at least experience what you want. Then, develop a genuine focus on something else that life has to offer. Make your life about saving dogs or something. Get your mind off of what you don't have. Sorry it's hard for you. Lots of folks on here are unlucky in love, good-looking/desirable, or not. No one is entitled to Happily Ever After. Or sex. There is more to life, I believe.

Hey Virtual,

Believe it or not, your circumstances and post, as well as your initial response to the predictable replies, are a reoccuring theme on these forums. In fact, i'll just quote my answer with some editing on the specific details from a similar thread in November (https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=543806):

Firstly, the reality of online advice forums is that you can't control who will reply and what they will say. At the very least you are unlikely to be trolled here, so I would take that as a win. However, I can see from your above response to some of our reputable contributor's genuine replies that you aren't interested in 'consolation', so I will meet you where you are.

 

I can relate to your original query on a more specific basis, namely the classic 'unrequited love' scenario, where I have wanted to eliminate or suppress feelings of desire toward a particular person. In these cases, its usually a matter of time and distance. Unfortunately, I don't think you can ever truly 'give up' your general desire for a partner as it is an unconcious, instinctual drive. The best you can do is view it as just a sensation, like being hot or cold or hungry. Generally, these sensations don't cos strong emotional reactions, we just accept them and take measures to alleviate them (where they are uncomfortable to us). There are a number of cognitive behavioural strategies that can be used. Maybe try tying a rubberband around your wrist (loosely) and whenever you catch yourself feeling the desire, flick the rubberband. This will bring the sensation to your concious attention more sharply, and allow you to approach it rationally rather than emotionally.

 

Overall, I think your posts do illustrate that this particular issue is only one in a spectrum of self-esteem and social anxiety issues you may want to address. However, it is entirely up to you how open you are to facing those issues.

Alternatively, Dundermiflin also gave some excellent advice here:

I don't think you yourself are really sold on the idea of giving up. It's like you're in the stages of grief, but you're still angry rather than accepting (minus urges) as your post tries to say. Being at peace with permanent virginity might help your body calm down. But nobody died and you can still try to find someone if you really don't want to have this as your fate. How did Danny Devito get married?? He's the Penguin! I know a couple of very ugly guys that are cheerful and married. Neither of them are particularly bright either, or talented. Or rich. But you didn't ask for help improving your situation, so my advice is, first, fully accept your decision to give up hope. Maybe pay for a reputable escort so you get to at least experience what you want. Then, develop a genuine focus on something else that life has to offer. Make your life about saving dogs or something. Get your mind off of what you don't have. Sorry it's hard for you. Lots of folks on here are unlucky in love, good-looking/desirable, or not. No one is entitled to Happily Ever After. Or sex. There is more to life, I believe.

I hope that whatever happens you get what you want.

T

Have you actually tried the changing yourself method that you have decided against?

Because the other way seems to be not working out for you.

How is your life besides the lack of a intimate relationship- family connections? Hobbies? Pets? Job?

I mean its all well and fine to decide to be celibate forever. I could happily do that. But clearly its not what you want. You are only choosing it out of the fear of constant rejection I guess.

It's hard to reply to everything here. It's all way too complex to simplify. I've had the same experiences as the guy in that other thread. I've been publicly ridiculed for my looks by both guys and girls. I've also had the same feelings when I see women being so eager for other guys. Running after them, ignoring me but being right on top of them, etc. I've been there countless times (daily in fact). That's been the daily story of my life since childhood. I also don't feel it is right for me to be with a girl. Something is not right about it. It seems morally wrong almost because of me being so ugly, and because of the past confirmation I've gotten from people about my unattractiveness in the form of ridicule etc... It just wouldnt be/feel right to be with a woman.

What is your situation?

I've moved past the phase of wanting to correct my problems and turn things around.

I can related with wanting to remove that part of your brain that desires companionship. It would definitely spare a great amount of pain and time pursuing futile endeavours such as "love".

Realistically you're just seeking an emotional need, that's it. Is any man or woman really worth torturing yourself over?

Does anyone have any suggestions for how to purge the desire and learn to be content with my situation? That was my original question, and it seems we've addressed everything but that.

I can related with wanting to remove that part of your brain that desires companionship. It would definitely spare a great amount of pain and time pursuing futile endeavours such as "love".

 

Realistically you're just seeking an emotional need, that's it. Is any man or woman really worth torturing yourself over?

You see, that's an interesting question because I think people often frame it as - you shouldn't torture yourself over this one problem, when in reality, it's not just one problem. It's a slew of problems. Women reject you, so then it makes you question your overall person, which leads to feelings of inadequacy, which hurts other areas of your life, etc. It's not just one problem. It spans out into other problems, perceptions, and emotions. This is why it's kind of frustrating to hear people talk about suicide, saying things like, "what happened to you that made you want to do this?" That's a very ignorant and misinformed question. It's never just one thing, or an event that triggers it. It rather the confluence of many emotions and experiences that lead one to a very complex mindset that isn't so easy to unravel. Not sure if that makes any sense

Your question boils down to: tell me how to not want what I do want.

My question is: if I'd be willing to do what it takes to NOT want something, why wouldn't I just invest the same amount of focus, time, effort and money to exhaust all avenues toward getting what I want--or at the very least, enjoy enough self improvement along the way to bring me closer to the peace I seek?

There's nothing I'd find peaceful about recognizing things about myself that I'd like to change but opting instead to not change those things.

What, exactly, would be things that I could NOT change? We've all seen images of poor kids born with a cleft palette where surgery has given them a substantially better quality of life, and it takes a pretty myopic focus on self misery to not be inspired by people who suffer deformities or permanent injuries yet find within themselves the will to develop a talent or skill through which they build a passion for living.

So decide where your commitment 'must' lie, and pursue it. If it's identifying the things about yourself that you don't like and then changing those, do that. If it's finding peace with a choice to NOT change the things you could otherwise change, then I hope you'll find an answer from a greater mind than mine.

You see, that's an interesting question because I think people often frame it as - you shouldn't torture yourself over this one problem, when in reality, it's not just one problem. It's a slew of problems. Women reject you, so then it makes you question your overall person, which leads to feelings of inadequacy, which hurts other areas of your life, etc. It's not just one problem. It spans out into other problems, perceptions, and emotions. This is why it's kind of frustrating to hear people talk about suicide, saying things like, "what happened to you that made you want to do this?" That's a very ignorant and misinformed question. It's never just one thing, or an event that triggers it. It rather the confluence of many emotions and experiences that lead one to a very complex mindset that isn't so easy to unravel. Not sure if that makes any sense

You're giving too much power to other people's opinions, they don't live your life, and yet you let their insignificant opinions shape your life.

Think of it this way; a relationship is just one more way for you to be betrayed, someone there to stab you in the back.

Your question boils down to: tell me how to not want what I do want.

 

My question is: if I'd be willing to do what it takes to NOT want something, why wouldn't I just invest the same amount of focus, time, effort and money to exhaust all avenues toward getting what I want--or at the very least, enjoy enough self improvement along the way to bring me closer to the peace I seek?

Who says there is anything peaceful about what you seek? We only have to look at these forums to know that is complete nonsense.

Could your question be applied to addiction? Addiction really isn't that far from the topic, except the poster can't get his fix.

Who says there is anything peaceful about what you seek? We only have to look at these forums to know that is complete nonsense.

Could your question be applied to addiction? Addiction really isn't that far from the topic, except the poster can't get his fix.

Sure, if I'm jonesing and want to change that, then I need to figure out what steps I can take to change that. I can try to get a 'quick' fix, and if that fails, then I can seek professional help.

If I hate how I look, I can try quick fixes to change that, or I can seek professional help. That's not limited to a haircut or stylist. I can work with a trainer or I can consult various medical experts to learn my options and choose one or more of those options.

If I have no social skills, I can stumble through the pain of learning by error, or I can consult a therapist and learn my options through doing the work or gaining referrals and working with specific experts in behavioral modification.

I can't think of anything physical or mental that cannot be changed with the right focus and effort, and that's why I can't fathom finding peace with any situation that I want to change. If the ability to find a relationship ends up being a natural outcome of the changes I make, then great. If not, then the focus I invest in learning whatever it is that I need to improve about myself in order to gain that ability will bring its own rewards along the way.

I believed for years that I'm not relationship material, so I took a breather from that misery-go-round in order to focus on my own development. Over time, I noticed that self development became its own reward. There was nothing 'peaceful' about believing that I'm damaged goods and cannot change that, but there's been plenty of peace in learning all of the things that I CAN change.

Over the course of making those changes, the goal itself has changed.

When you're in hell, don't stop. Keep moving forward until it occurs to you that you've left hell behind and you've reached higher ground. Your perspective from there can liberate you.

It's a decision.

Your question boils down to: tell me how to not want what I do want.

More or less. But not exactly. I'm asking primarily how to get rid of sexual desire, which in turn I feel will eliminate the pain associated with being rejected by women.

There's nothing I'd find peaceful about recognizing things about myself that I'd like to change but opting instead to not change those things

I would no longer have a desire for It, therefore all the things that upset me about it now would no longer upset me. This, I believe would bring relief and peace of mind.

My question is: if I'd be willing to do what it takes to NOT want something, why wouldn't I just invest the same amount of focus, time, effort and money to exhaust all avenues toward getting what I want

Because what I want is impossible for me to have. Hence, why I'm trying to exhaust my only other option, which is to eliminate the desire for it. That way I can live happy with that monkey off my back.

Unfortunately it's not easy to shut off sexual desire, since it's innate. Therapy could help you either way, whether to accept things or change things.

More or less. But not exactly. I'm asking primarily how to get rid of sexual desire, which in turn I feel will eliminate the pain associated with being rejected by women.

 

I would no longer have a desire for It, therefore all the things that upset me about it now would no longer upset me. This, I believe would bring relief and peace of mind.

 

Because what I want is impossible for me to have. Hence, why I'm trying to exhaust my only other option, which is to eliminate the desire for it. That way I can live happy with that monkey off my back.

Naaah. You're creating a false impossibility. If you're not creative enough to satisfy your own sexual desires, then hire someone. Transactional sex doesn't require a relationship.

Naaah. You're creating a false impossibility. If you're not creative enough to satisfy your own sexual desires, then hire someone. Transactional sex doesn't require a relationship.

Yesss. I'm not creating anything. You have no idea how much ive seen these facts proven to me. It's truly remarkable.

Does anyone want to address my question? I really am looking for sound advice on this.

Does anyone want to address my question? I really am looking for sound advice on this.

Looks like all of these numerous issues should be discussed with a professional as it all goes way too deep for simple strangers on the internet to be able to help you sort out, imo. You need professional help, counselling/therapy.

You want advice on castration or killing yourself? You're not going to get that here.

The fact you even spoke about being willing to castrate yourself in order not to feel desire is reflective of the disturbed mindset you have with regards to this issue.

You're living in fear of rejection, you've put women on a pedestal.

My advice is to face your fears. Take women down from the pedestal and realize that romance and sex are just one part of life. If something works out great, if it doesn't.....then simply move on with other parts of this wonderful life. Explore hobbies, travelling, friends, family, pets, food etc etc.

Don't revolve your whole self around this one aspect of life. Romance and sexual intimacy can be great but they can also be not so great. You can exist without it. Yeah, sure you'll still feel desire. So what...feel it. It'll pass.

Okay well, since the PC police mods deleted my post, I'll retype a less "offensive" version of what I said, because this point needs to be made.

The irritation is of extreme levels when people look at situations wherein people are alone, or are virgins etc. and say - "it's no big deal", and tell us basically that we're wrong or silly for being upset about it. This comes from people who have had no trouble finding partners, and have had good love/sex lives. It's like telling someone they're acting silly because they're upset about having no friends or family. It just astounds me that people think and say things like this. It's actually unbelievable that someone could think this. We live in a world wherein love, relationships, and sex are primary factors that underpin the happiness and fulfillment of people, and yet people sit there and say unbelievably thoughtless things like this. "It's not a big deal. Why are you so upset about it? Get over it!" Just unbelievable. That's all I can say.

Yes, this is directed towards Charity. Sorry, but you just walked over a landmine that is one of my strongest pet peeves.