Am I just crazy or is he too much?

Hello!

Really need some advice on this!

I am 29 and have been in 4 physically abusive relationships. In fact the last one tried to kill me.

This was 3 years ago and I have been single ever since. I taught myself how to self love and work on ME!

I am probably partially afraid to get back into dating because of my past as well.

So about 6 months ago a guy comes into my life. I have known him for 10 years but we never got close like this before.

He lives across the country and came out to visit me for a week. It was a very nice visit and the plan ended up being that he would move in with me 4 months later.

Now this is the most loving, caring, considerate person I have ever met. The kind of person who makes the thought pop up "Do I really deserve someone like this?"

Everything was fine actually, no complaints.

Now I am seeing excessive phone calling, texting, asking why I didn't answer if my online status was "offline".

I do have a special needs child so I am not near my phone all the time. I am a quiet person and I keep to myself. A day home watching movies and going outside to the playground is usually my routine. Sometimes I don't even touch my messages for days.

I've addressed this with him stating that I feel overwhelmed with the online status checking and phone calls. He didn't understand but said okay. Later he says he understands.

I was offline all day on facebook and skype. I went to the grocery store with my son. I come home and start to cook dinner. I sign into my X-Box and within 10 seconds get a phone call. Asking me what I have been up to and I could have told him where I was. I am used to being alone and not having to check in with people. I am pretty independent, but is that a bad thing?

He has been told in the past by other people that he's clingy and "too much"

I am worried that if he really does move in it'll get worse.

Am I being unreasonable? Would love opinions outside of my own head.

When you're not happy in a present situation, never hope things will change. What you see is what you get. I wouldn't continue on with this man. And his plan to move in, after so little time of knowing him romantically, is a horrible idea. I don't care if you've known him 10 years. Just because someone is an okay friend doesn't mean it translates into a good romantic partner. And it's also a red flag he's willing to uproot his life and move in with you so soon.

I don't believe in making major decisions like this until a couple has spent at minimum a good year regularly seeing each other in person, and for long distance, I'd say 2 years. With him, since he's known to be clingy and it's his pattern, it doesn't fit with your independence. Best to pass on such incompatibility. Take care.

Block all contact with him and live your peaceful life with your Son.

He will make your life hell

You are still attracted to controlling men.

You say "taught yourself" to self love, but did you attend therapy to find out why you chose FOUR abusive men?

Unless and until you address this issue and SOLVE it, you will continue to be attracted to controlling, abusive men.

Do NOT, under any circumstances, allow him to move in with you and your child! Bad, bad idea!

Needing to know where you are, who you're with, and what you're doing at all times is just the beginning of an abusive relationship. You know this if you've been through four relationships that have eventually become physically abusive. Your alarm system is signaling to you that you are setting yourself up to get hurt again. Considering the last relationship you were in turned life-threatening, I think it's important you heed your alarm system here and end the relationship before matters get any worse.

I'm sorry for your past experiences and for the current one, all I can say is; Do no let him come close to you. Ever. A person who act like this in that stage could turn your life into a nightmare. Maybe he's not a bad person, I'm not saying this but he needs to learn that people can not communicate all the time and can not change each other's life like this immediately. I think your "friend" doesn't have much experiences with the concept of relationship. This kind of behaviors are usually result of this. Maybe he would learn the thing he's doing is not okay but maybe he will never learn it and I wouldn't suggest you to sit and wait if he will learn it or not. So, you should stop now. And btw, I'm guessing that even after you stop talking, he will insist to talk again and again. I'm telling you this because that's a high possibility and you should be ready for this. I can't tell you be firm and stop it immediately or handle it peacefully because I don't know him and I don't know how would he react when you stop talking to him. You know him and I think you know how to do it better.

I wish you the best of luck and I hope you find someone that make you feel great.

Lose this guy. This is abusive guy #5

Have you received therapy for you attraction to abusive controlling men? You are the common denominator.

How in the world could you move this guy into your house when you have not been dating him for at least several years. Terrible judgment. .

"I am in love with 2 people. Help.

I have been dating someone for 1 year. We are both in our mid 30s. I only see him twice a month as he lives 4 hours away. Let's call him Bob. We met through an online through a dating site. There were little "red flags" or things I didn't like but I dismiss them because I was in love.

Recently as of 2 months ago I started talking with an old group of friends. One in particular I am growing to like. Let's call him Joseph. Nothing sexual is ever discussed with this person and nothing inappropriate. But his good kind heart has made me wake up to all of the bad things about Bob.

The bad things I am seeing in Bob that I dismissed prior:

He lives at home and is VERY disrespectful to his parents sometimes.

Born with a silver spoon, he does not have to pay any bills. (something I cannot relate to)

The temper can he very short. He will get upset if you say something that is obvious. (Like if anyone were to think he is stupid, although he is VERY smart)

I have traveled the 4 hours for a year and he has never come out to see me. (He rides a bike but there are other modes of transportation)

I drove him to me once to stay for a month and he did not pay for one single thing

He has been on gay apps, websites, forums and groups

During sex he does not stay...up? It will go limp after 5 minutes. (Now if he has a disorder I do not know, and this isn't really a negative because I will love someone no matter what. I am just stating this in case it has a connection)

Joseph is the most kind person I have ever met. He is making me realize all of these bad things about Bob. I have a daughter with downs syndrome and he has a brother with the same condition. He relates to my situation. Something that Bob doesn't understand. Joseph asks me how I am doing every day, and shows concern. We connect on all levels from anxiety issues to previous relationship issues and situations.

Here is my problem. Bob's family loves me. They call me their daughter. AND almost all of Bob's belongings are in my garage. Bob is supposed to move in 6 months from now. I am falling out of love with Bob and in love with Joseph.

Bob's entire family is moving across the county and was planning on taking Bob until we decided for him to move in. There is still time. I would gladly mail his belongings or do what I need to."

You haven't been single for 3 years. Why did you lie to us? This was created in February.

You have a child in the home and this guy comes to live with you for a month? What are you thinking!

You must seek out therapy.

You are still attracted to controlling men.

 

You say "taught yourself" to self love, but did you attend therapy to find out why you chose FOUR abusive men?

 

Unless and until you address this issue and SOLVE it, you will continue to be attracted to controlling, abusive men.

 

Do NOT, under any circumstances, allow him to move in with you and your child! Bad, bad idea!

Agree, the fact that you're rushing to move this man in, in such a short time, it doesn't seem like your relationship habits have changed at all. Hard and fast and controlling that's how it starts, you seem to be oblivious to that fact.

Slow down, it's probably going to be best to be single a bit more. I don't think you're quite ready.

And the plot thickens...

OPer please for your sanity and your child's be single!

You haven't been single for 3 years. Why did you lie to us? This was created in February..

Also, in February you state you are in your mid 30's, yet in this thread you say you are 29? Can you explain this inconsistencies please?

YES, he is crazy. I dated a guy like that for a month and that scared the crap out of me. Excessive texting/calling, whining if I wasn't spending enough time w/him despite being w/him a whole day. Nit picking the texts I would send, it was a mess. I ran like a bat out of hell and you should do the same. You are headed for another abusive relationship.

OP, if you want helpful and constructive replies, you need to be honest in your posts. There are things in your posting history that don't add up.

Please clarify them here before more posters take time to respond.

"I am in love with 2 people. Help.

I have been dating someone for 1 year. We are both in our mid 30s. I only see him twice a month as he lives 4 hours away. Let's call him Bob. We met through an online through a dating site. There were little "red flags" or things I didn't like but I dismiss them because I was in love.

 

Recently as of 2 months ago I started talking with an old group of friends. One in particular I am growing to like. Let's call him Joseph. Nothing sexual is ever discussed with this person and nothing inappropriate. But his good kind heart has made me wake up to all of the bad things about Bob.

 

The bad things I am seeing in Bob that I dismissed prior:

He lives at home and is VERY disrespectful to his parents sometimes.

Born with a silver spoon, he does not have to pay any bills. (something I cannot relate to)

The temper can he very short. He will get upset if you say something that is obvious. (Like if anyone were to think he is stupid, although he is VERY smart)

I have traveled the 4 hours for a year and he has never come out to see me. (He rides a bike but there are other modes of transportation)

I drove him to me once to stay for a month and he did not pay for one single thing

He has been on gay apps, websites, forums and groups

During sex he does not stay...up? It will go limp after 5 minutes. (Now if he has a disorder I do not know, and this isn't really a negative because I will love someone no matter what. I am just stating this in case it has a connection)

 

Joseph is the most kind person I have ever met. He is making me realize all of these bad things about Bob. I have a daughter with downs syndrome and he has a brother with the same condition. He relates to my situation. Something that Bob doesn't understand. Joseph asks me how I am doing every day, and shows concern. We connect on all levels from anxiety issues to previous relationship issues and situations.

 

Here is my problem. Bob's family loves me. They call me their daughter. AND almost all of Bob's belongings are in my garage. Bob is supposed to move in 6 months from now. I am falling out of love with Bob and in love with Joseph.

 

Bob's entire family is moving across the county and was planning on taking Bob until we decided for him to move in. There is still time. I would gladly mail his belongings or do what I need to."

 

You haven't been single for 3 years. Why did you lie to us? This was created in February.

 

You have a child in the home and this guy comes to live with you for a month? What are you thinking!

 

You must seek out therapy.

This was a person I saw once a month. This was not a full blown relationship. That's why. Not trying to "lie"

I am trying to protect my identity.

Also, in February you state you are in your mid 30's, yet in this thread you say you are 29? Can you explain this inconsistencies please?

I am trying to protect my identity

OP, if you want helpful and constructive replies, you need to be honest in your posts. There are things in your posting history that don't add up.

 

Please clarify them here before more posters take time to respond.

I had no idea that my past posts would be evaluated. I am trying to protect my identity. Names and numbers have been changed but not the situations. The situations are real.

Stay single. You still seem to have no healthy boundaries. One abusive relationship is a fluke and about them. 4 in a row requires some serious self reflection.

have been in 4 physically abusive relationships.

he would move in with me 4 months later.

I had no idea that my past posts would be evaluated. I am trying to protect my identity. Names and numbers have been changed but not the situations. The situations are real.

I mean, I am in my mid 20's and live near one of the bigggest cities in the New England area. This matches the description for countless other females. I wouldn't worry too much hun. It's not like anyone is stalking the forums for you in particular, right? Otherwise, you're a needle in a haystack with all of the other people on here explaining their stories.

Now, it looks like you need to enforce your boundaries more. Whether this guy may or may not be abuser #5, you need to learn this skill. He needs to know this behavior does not flow with you and everytime he does it you need to set the standard. You need to state your boundaries assertively. Be polite, but stern.

Does this guy know your relationship history? If so, I would be weary he may be preying on you, given your vulnerbility. Are there other questionable signs about him? Regardless, I would perhaps reconsider jumping into any relationship if you haven't been out of one for very long. It creates a situation for the past to be repeated, if it's too soon and you haven't received any help to resolve mistakes.

I had no idea that my past posts would be evaluated. I am trying to protect my identity. Names and numbers have been changed but not the situations. The situations are real.

It is not evaluating. We often read someone's posting history to get a better sense of the context and relationship patterns. They can provide valuable information, so know that many people responding to you will go back through your history to see the bigger picture.

In any case, it's clear you would be better off single for a while. You don't seem to have the ability to identify and stay away from men exhibiting red flags. This guy is but another example of that.

I apologize for any inconsistency. I guess I don’t have to protect myself too much but I am always nervous. Really helps seeing others views thank you all ❤️

Please get help and stay completely single for at least a year. You gravitate to abusers.