He flies First Class, while I fly Coach -- Non-judgemental insight needed

My SO works in the entertainment industry and for that reason spends a good deal of time on the opposite coast (about 1 week per month; sometimes a bit more during busy seasons). He has a house there and in our city.

He is quite successful in his field and, for better or worse, has a lot more disposable income than I do. He has 3 houses, 2 cars, and generally seems to be easily able to buy and pay for whatever he likes. I am totally independent, and work hard, but at the end of the day, I lead a pretty modest lifestyle (and I'm mostly happy this way), living pretty much paycheck to paycheck, and saving up to buy the few things I want.

Given that he spends so much time over on the other coast, he has a number of times offered to fly me out to stay with him there. In fact he's pretty much extended an open invitation for me to go any time. A little over a month ago I, for the first time, said yes. It entailed me taking a week off of work (meaning I don't get paid for that week). The trip was generally quite nice, although he was working much of the time during the day, but I kept myself entertained and we had a nice time together at night.

However, something is bothering me a little bit, and I wanted to get your thoughts. Whenever he goes back and forth he flies First Class. He has tons of miles on this particular airline, and I'm not entirely sure how miles work, but he qualifies for whatever the priveledged status is on this airline.

Anyway, as I said, he took me out there last month. He bought my airline tickets for me, and I was super happy and grateful for that. As he was buying my tickets online (me going with him was a very last minute decision), he said: "Oh the First Class tickets are $1800 more. Will you be mad at me if I get you Coach?" I said: "Oh my god, of course not! I'm not picky. I can fly however! I'm just happy to be going with you." It all seemed great in theory.

However when we actually got to the airport 2 days later (it was a 6am flight, and we'd both stayed up the entire night, with a plan to sleep on the 6 hour flight), something just struck me as a little icky. Like the idea of getting on a plane with him, while he sat in this giant luxurious First Class seat, under a giant fluffy blanket, with unlimited food and drinks, while I kinda slinked back to Coach, paid for my food, and and struggled to sleep the whole time, because I was freezing and uncomfortable.

I never said anything to him, and acted super grateful, and forced myself to stop thinking about it, and focus on the nice things in our trip.

On the trip back, he went to the counter at the airport and asked if he could get my seat upgraded (for a smaller fee), but there were no available seats in First Class. So again, he took the First Class seat, and I flew Coach.

Again, I never mentioned anything to him and thanked him excessively for the whole trip.

I in no way mean to sound spoiled. I really am not status-conscious and not materialistic. And he treats me to many things very often (dinner, trips). He has told me a number of times that he is really invested in our relationship and really loves me and wants it to be for the long term. But there is a nagging feeling that something was "off" about the scenario. I wish he has just offered to switch seats with me for one leg of the journey. I would have totally declined, and let him keep the nice seat. But it just would have felt better... Or maybe just downgraded himself to Coach so we could sit together. I've also never in my life flown First Class, whereas he does all the time. It just felt a little wrong. Like I can't imagine my parents vacationing together somewhere and having my Dad take the First Class seat while putting my Mom in Coach. It's not that I actually have an issue with flying Coach; I just worry that it's a red flag or a character flaw.

What do you guys think? I'd really like some thoughts that are not too judgemental toward either me or him...

Thank you.

You're his girlfriend, not his dependent. He already paid for YOUR ticket, something he didn't have to do, you say you aren't materialistic and you arent with him for all that so making an issue about this would negate all of those things.

Let it go.

Let’s reverse it.

Be honest.

Say you had a ton of miles. Would you willingly give up first class? I’m pretty sure no.

Keep in mind, too, that he was traveling for work and you were for pleasure. Flying is a chore for him, perhaps more of a novelty for you. Flying gets old quick.

However. One thing that’s weird. I got premier status with United and it comes with companion passes. In the future, I’m pretty sure you can get two tickets upgraded to first if he is automatically upgraded. And if the tix were bought together.

Let’s reverse it.

 

Be honest.

 

Say you had a ton of miles. Would you willingly give up first class? I’m pretty sure no.

 

Keep in mind, too, that he was traveling for work and you were for pleasure. Flying is a chore for him, perhaps more of a novelty for you. Flying gets old quick.

 

However. One thing that’s weird. I got premier status with United and it comes with companion passes. In the future, I’m pretty sure you can get two tickets upgraded to first if he is automatically upgraded. And if the tix were bought together.

I totally hear what you’re saying. But it was actually when I reversed it that I started to get hung up. I’m pretty certain I wouldn’t feel comfortable enjoying first class while my partner flew in a less comfortable scenario. I think the least he could have done is offer to go one direction. As I said before I would have declined and let him have it. But I just get kind of an uneasy feeling about how it actually went down.

Another clue that maybe something is wrong is I noticed that I’ve avoided telling any friends that this happened.

I just have a nagging feeling that something isn’t totally right about it. I hope that feeling is wrong.

Maybe the larger (real) issue involves the challenges inherent in dating someone who is in a substantially higher income bracket. There’s an uncomfortable feeling of either being “indebted” to them or somehow second class... of that makes sense. It’s not a major issue in our relationship now, but I do wonder how this would play out in the long term.

 

Anyway, as I said, he took me out there last month. He bought my airline tickets for me, and I was super happy and grateful for that. As he was buying my tickets online (me going with him was a very last minute decision), he said: "Oh the First Class tickets are $1800 more. Will you be mad at me if I get you Coach?" I said: "Oh my god, of course not! I'm not picky. I can fly however! I'm just happy to be going with you." It all seemed great in theory.

 

However when we actually got to the airport 2 days later (it was a 6am flight, and we'd both stayed up the entire night, with a plan to sleep on the 6 hour flight), something just struck me as a little icky. Like the idea of getting on a plane with him, while he sat in this giant luxurious First Class seat, under a giant fluffy blanket, with unlimited food and drinks, while I kinda slinked back to Coach, paid for my food, and and struggled to sleep the whole time, because I was freezing and uncomfortable.

 

You don't want anyone judging you, so without thinking of myself, my own experiences, and without comparing you or your BF to anyone I know, here is my objective opinion.

He specifically asked you if you would be upset if he flew first and you, coach. You immediately gave an unselfish response, then later changed your mind. In other words, your words and your actions aren't matching up. He did all he could, by asking about your feelings before before booking your last-minute ticket. Then you have images of him living in luxury during the flight while you are uncomfortable...but honestly, objectively, you can't nail him for that. Again, he had specifically asked you about this ahead of time because he was concerned about your feelings. He sounds pretty awesome, actually.

And I get it... sometimes things happen that we don't foresee happening... you likely didn't realize you would feel this way, not until you took your flight. Again though... not his fault. Not really yours either, because you're just feeling what you feel.

Here's the part where I put my own experiences into play. You're imagining different things he could have done and said and you feel a bit off that he didn't, for instance, at least offer to switch seats with you. I have seen in my own life where I sit and think & imagine that my significant other could have done this or that instead of what he actually did... and then I got angry that he didn't do that. But how could he know what I wanted him to do? Not everyone thinks the same way. He can't read your mind, and even if he did, it's not his job to think of every possibility of things to say or do to make sure you feel comfortable with the situation. Again, he did what he could; he asked you before booking, then later, tried to upgrade you. It wasn't his fault that the upgrade wasn't possible at that time. You would have been happier if he asked you again during the flight if you were comfortable (or wanted to switch). I understand that. But I personally hope you don't hold it against him, because it in no ways says to me he is inconsiderate of your feelings or your comfort.

Your analogy of the family going on vacation is flawed. He is not on vacation. You are accompanying him and enjoy a vacation-type vibe while with him at night. You yourself are on an unpaid vacation from work. But this is a work trip for him. I really think you are working yourself up unnecessarily, and I say this with love, because I do the same thing sometimes.

AGain, this is definitely not a character flaw in your boyfriend. He seems like a great guy.

I totally hear what you’re saying. But it was actually when I reversed it that I started to get hung up. I’m pretty certain I wouldn’t feel comfortable enjoying first class while my partner flew in a less comfortable scenario. I think the least he could have done is offer to go one direction. As I said before I would have declined and let him have it. But I just get kind of an uneasy feeling about how it actually went down.

 

Another clue that maybe something is wrong is I noticed that I’ve avoided telling any friends that this happened.

 

I just have a nagging feeling that something isn’t totally right about it. I hope that feeling is wrong.

 

Maybe the larger (real) issue involves the challenges inherent in dating someone who is in a substantially higher income bracket. There’s an uncomfortable feeling of either being “indebted” to them or somehow second class... of that makes sense. It’s not a major issue in our relationship now, but I do wonder how this would play out in the long term.

I don’t understand why you want him to offer something you know you wouldn’t take.

And, like the poster above me said, he did ask if you were ok with this.

Even if he offered and you said no, I think we would still be here.

Hey citrusgreen,

Well, personally I would have flown coach with you. I would find it wierd to travel with someone, but not actually sit together (especially a SO). I completely understand asking if you are OK flying coach for financial reasons, but just personally I would automatically downgrade to sit with you. On the other hand, if one of us had the opportunity to upgrade after buying the ticket (i.e. at the airport) I would have no problem with my SO taking that opportunity and sitting seperately.

I don't think it rises to the level of a 'red flag or character flaw'. Rather, it's just a difference of approach to a relatively unique situation. You say he is generous and affectionate generally, just in this scenario it was something you would have done different. This is likely largely because for you it was a special trip/occasion, while for him it was largely routine. He probably just failed to appreciate the flight as part of the special event of you joining him. Maybe a bit oblivious, but nothing too major in my opinion.

Just my take, good luck!

T

 

Maybe the larger (real) issue involves the challenges inherent in dating someone who is in a substantially higher income bracket. There’s an uncomfortable feeling of either being “indebted” to them or somehow second class... of that makes sense. It’s not a major issue in our relationship now, but I do wonder how this would play out in the long term.

Based on your previous post as other posters pointed out on that post, the issue seems to be your insecurities, have you done anything to fix/combat those feelings?

I think what your boyfriend did was totally icky. I wouldn't let a girlfriend fly in coach on the same plane where I was in First Class. If money was a problem, then you both should have flown Coach. And as mustlovedogs said, as a frequent flyer, he should have been able to get companion tickets or some sort of upgrade. He treated you like you were the maid or the nanny. I think he's made it clear that he's cheap. But he also made it clear to put you in your place.

What else does he do? Does he have some other quirks? Do you also have to enter through the servants' entrance? Does he make you do his wash too? Is his middle name Scrooge?

My thoughts. You told him you were fine with it so at that point it's not fair of you to resent him going along with what you said. He paid for your ticket and he was traveling for work so in his mind he probably feels he'll be less alert/ ready if he's not in a comfortable seat. Also, I have gone on several long flights in coach - and whatever -you wear something warmer/bring a sweater, and you deal. I will say when my husband has gotten a free upgrade -even when traveling on business- and we're traveling with our son - he's offered me the first class upgrade while he hung out with our son in the back but it was not a long flight -about 2 hours. But I think that's also because I'm working too -I'm taking care of our son while we're in the city where he is traveling for business, so it's partially to give me a much needed break. If it was a long flight and he'd been busy working I'd tell him to take first class -and I'm not positive he'd offer. What's more likely is he'd just sit with us in coach.

My thoughts. You told him you were fine with it so at that point it's not fair of you to resent him going along with what you said. He paid for your ticket and he was traveling for work so in his mind he probably feels he'll be less alert/ ready if he's not in a comfortable seat. Also, I have gone on several long flights in coach - and whatever -you wear something warmer/bring a sweater, and you deal. I will say when my husband has gotten a free upgrade -even when traveling on business- and we're traveling with our son - he's offered me the first class upgrade while he hung out with our son in the back but it was not a long flight -about 2 hours. But I think that's also because I'm working too -I'm taking care of our son while we're in the city where he is traveling for business, so it's partially to give me a much needed break. If it was a long flight and he'd been busy working I'd tell him to take first class -and I'm not positive he'd offer. What's more likely is he'd just sit with us in coach.

I definitely don’t resent him for it. And I fully understand that on the surface this is a “First World Problem” as they say.

In terms of needing to rest to be ready for work... we arrived on a Sunday morning. He had a casual 1 hour meeting with a long time colleague late that afternoon. And then the other days went in for creative sessions for 3-4 hours for the next 4 days. He did a little bit of work from home on those days — as did I. I’m not dismissing his work at all, but it wasn’t like he had to hit the ground running at some super high stress 10-hours a day corporate job.

I wore something much warmer on the return trip :)

I don’t want it to be a red flag... and I hope it isn’t.... but it just seems a little icky.

I think what your boyfriend did was totally icky. I wouldn't let a girlfriend fly in coach on the same plane where I was in First Class. If money was a problem, then you both should have flown Coach. And as mustlovedogs said, as a frequent flyer, he should have been able to get companion tickets or some sort of upgrade. He treated you like you were the maid or the nanny. I think he's made it clear that he's cheap. But he also made it clear to put you in your place.

 

What else does he do? Does he have some other quirks? Do you also have to enter through the servants' entrance? Does he make you do his wash too? Is his middle name Scrooge?

Yeah.... ugh.... I mean no servants quarters, lol. But sometimes I sense this subtle power dynamic which I don’t feel entirely comfortable with. I’m not sure if I’m imagining it or not.

I think it was a last minute ticket and a bit awkward. He may not have had much choice about first class for you both. At the same time, he didn't want to give up his own first class seat, which I can understand.

It would have been nice if he were able to pay for the extra legroom in coach, if it were available. Last minute, it is uncertain.

I fly that route (or a similar one) often. The upgrades to first are hard to get; the privileges of flying often have tier levels. Its hard to know whether he could have used his points etc and gotten you a better seat.

It sounds like the flight to LA is his commute; business mode for him, and vacation mode for you.

In isolation, I don't know what to think. How long have you been together, what is he like in general, do you travel with him ever and have you traveled much on your own? It strikes me that having you in CA with him was nice for him, but it seems like more of an imposition for you - lost wages, vacation time. Like you are passing the time without investing in your future.

So... not sure what your goals are here. He sounds like he is happy with things as they are, and maybe you are too. It doesn't sound like he is blending you into his life, and maybe that is exactly what fits each of you best. Only you know that.

--

If you're okay with the big picture, you got a free trip to CA with your days free to hit the beach, visit the museums, etc. If you take vacation of any kind, you would lose wages. If this trip gives you a vacation feeling, then it was an efficient way for you to get away.

Is his middle name Scrooge?

I think if his middle name was Scrooge he would never have offered to pay for a flight in the first place. This has a lot to do with the OP's own insecurities (imo).

OP, you need to be totally honest with yourself. When he offered to buy and pay for a flight in coach for you, you say you were super happy and grateful about it, but lets be honest here ....... you were secretly hoping to get First Class, right? Hence the thread? Say what you mean and mean what you say.

But sometimes I sense this subtle power dynamic which I don’t feel entirely comfortable with. I’m not sure if I’m imagining it or not.

With this example, I think you're not imagining it.

As others have pointed out- he did ask if you would mind, and you said no. So, honestly he did that with your permission. So you do need to let that go, and not blame him.

Going forward if this comes up again, let him know how important it is that you sit together, and Coach is fine. If he is not willing to sit in Coach with you then I wonder how much he values you as a person or your relationship.

There IS a power differential, in terms of worldly matters. There is a difference in values, too.

Is there a power differential in your relationship? Yes. Evidenced by your lack of clarity about what you want. It is difficult to assert your preferences (in the gentlest of manners perhaps) before you know what your preferences are.

The differential isn't his fault. It may not even be his preference. It is a reflection of who you each are, today. Example: It would have been silly for him to waste 2k on a first class seat when it wasn't important to you in the first place.

Just to be clear about the details: He purchased my ticket 36 hours before we left. He’d already had his own ticket booked for a week or so. It was late at night, we’d both been out having fun, had some wine... It was just a fun and exciting turn of events in the moment.

As he was booking it he said something like “You won’t be mad at me if I don’t buy you a First Class ticket, right? It’s $1800 extra.” And I said “No, of course not.” He didn’t exactly present it like something that was a real option or something he wanted to do. He also didn’t explicitly mention that he was flying First Class or that we wouldn’t sit together.

He did get me a seat with extra legroom in coach, which was nice.

Just to be clear about the details: He purchased my ticket 36 hours before we left. He’d already had his own ticket booked for a week or so. It was late at night, we’d both been out having fun, had some wine... It was just a fun and exciting turn of events in the moment.

 

As he was booking it he said something like “You won’t be mad at me if I don’t buy you a First Class ticket, right? It’s $1800 extra.” And I said “No, of course not.” He didn’t exactly present it like something that was a real option or something he wanted to do. He also didn’t explicitly mention that he was flying First Class or that we wouldn’t sit together.

 

He did get me a seat with extra legroom in coach, which was nice.

Nor did you ask "Will we be able to sit together?"

I travel often. I haven't always cared if I sit with my travel partner. My bf would require it, he is a feeler, he expects to live his life with me; he wouldn't stand for anything else. On the other hand, he is about to take a 2 week vacation by himself.

I would have handled differently than your man did; I would have felt awkward. Even so, please know he is not allowed to bring you a snack or a drink; the most he could do is offer to switch places. Your seat, with its extra legroom, was as comfortable as could make you, short of giving you 20 bucks for food. And that would have felt awkward too, because the attendants don't take cash.

Practice how to learn and develop your voice. This particular instance - let it go.

I think that he should have given up one leg of the journey and allowed you to fly First. That's what I would have done, had I been in his position. Or, both flown in the same class.

Just to be clear about the details: He purchased my ticket 36 hours before we left. He’d already had his own ticket booked for a week or so. It was late at night, we’d both been out having fun, had some wine... It was just a fun and exciting turn of events in the moment.

 

As he was booking it he said something like “You won’t be mad at me if I don’t buy you a First Class ticket, right? It’s $1800 extra.” And I said “No, of course not.” He didn’t exactly present it like something that was a real option or something he wanted to do. He also didn’t explicitly mention that he was flying First Class or that we wouldn’t sit together.

 

He did get me a seat with extra legroom in coach, which was nice.

Me thinks thou protest too much.

Damn Straight!

 

Me thinks thou protest too much.

Agreed...

OP. He paid to upgrade you.

I repeat. He paid to upgrade you.

Also: you said it is fine.

Did he pay for your meals? Your outings? Actually, let’s rephrase. What do you pay for regularly?

My answer would be different if you were planning a trip together and booking airfare at the same time. But as it is, this was last minute... and he upgraded you.

Apparently, citrusgreen, you should be thankful he even asked you to come with him and that he bought you a seat or flew you on the same flight as him.

Apparently, citrusgreen, you should be thankful he even asked you to come with him and that he bought you a seat or flew you on the same flight as him.

Definitely... considering that she told him she was quit fine in coach. We don't know that his frequent flyer plan covers extra tickets in first class and, Op didn't have to pay a thing.

Op: If you really and truly resent him for not sitting with you, then please have the courage to voice what you would prefer. If you don't want to appear selfish or rude or ungrateful and that is why you didn't say anything, then the best thing to do is to pay for your own air fair in the future. At the very least, if you feel poorly sitting without him then TELL him. He sounds like a nice guy who shows you generosity even if its not exactly what you expected. He wanted you with him and was generous enough to pay your way.

If it bothered me, I just wouldn't accept his gift and I'd tell him why.

Good luck, I hope you can let go of your negative feelings and that you avoid them in the future by putting an end to any unvoiced expectations.

I'd be careful about changing your life to suit his convenience. You took a week of unpaid time off to hang out with him when he had to work anyway. You mention you live pretty much pay cheque to pay cheque.

I'd avoid the being whisked off at the expense of your own life ( work, being able to make your own money ) -particularly since you say you enjoy being independent and the quality of life you can provide for yourself.

Have him meet you in the middle. If there are discrepancies in lifestyles and values, you'll find out sooner than later.

As for this actual situation, it would feel icky to me too. Literally sitting apart in different compartments based on social class.