I need advice on my emotionally abusive marriage

This is going to be a very long post, i dont know what to do anymore and im so lost. Im 23 years old and my wife is 25, both female. Her name is liz We have been in a relationship for 3 and a half years and married since this march. We met while we were both in college. Our realtionship was always on the rocky side. At first we were perfect but then the small things i did became annoying to her, the way i dressed (very goth) was disgusting to her. Anytime we were in public she would get upset if i walked a few feet away from her and constantly tell me to pay attention you lool stupid in public About 6 months in our relationship, i went to her dorm, she had went to a different college an hour away and she wanted to drink so i bought drinks, and went to her dorm, she was already drinking and we were having fun until she started saying i dress weird, its gross its disgusting, i have no friends the only friend i had was her and etc. And that im annoying and etc.she started saying i was a because i had male friends. When i started to defend myself, she squished my face with her hands and then held my hands behind my back saying that i was nothing. And then she broke up with me. I left her dorm to get into an uber she texted me to come back and she said she was sorry and then well i assumed she was sorry and we had, sex afterwards and the next day she kicked me out of her dorm saying we were broken up. I was distraught and sad so i called my bff and told her everything that happened. After 3 days lizz said she was sorry and that its not justified what she did and etc. I took her back. Lizz put a photo of us on fb and my bff, said something rude under the photo and lizz messaged her saying to back tf up and then they got into a fight on fb. Lizz asked me to stop talking to my bff because my bff disrespected her and our relationship, and idk why i said yes sure, but i wish i didnt. I have been talking to my bff Stephanie off and on for the past 3 years. After that incident, things were constantly up and down in our relationship, things are always my fault.

I have always been there for her as much as i could, one time she was angry and smashed her laptop, i let her borrow mine, anytime she was in the hospital or doctor i would be there, anytime she had a problem i would listen to her. One time i was sexually assulted at work, i told her i didnt fight back because i was scared ( i'm a rape survivor) she broke up with me because i "let him" touch me. Lizz broke up with me another time, because i was talking to a male cowoker while there were no customers about school, and when she came to visit me i was flirting with him because of the way "he was standing". Im not allowed to have male friends because "why would i want to be friends with men all they want is sex". I got into a huge fight with my wife during family vacation with her family for going into a hottub with her mom and cousin cause there were men (old and with kids) in the hottub and i didnt tell her where i went. These are example of stuff thats happened within the past 3 years. My wife is graduting military bootcamp and during the time shes been away I've been afriad to get a job because, my wife wants me to live with her when bootcamp and AIT is over, and im a bad wife if i don't and i dont support her. I have a chance to work at a dream job ive worked so hard for in college, i dont wanna dissapoint my wife like she says i do...but i feel like she should want to support my dreams as well? Especially since she said i could live seperate from her and the military would give me money for housing. Only for her to get mad and say she only offered me money to get married to her. Stephanie emailed me saying that she misses me and that shes back in town in nyc and she wants me to meet her baby and to be the god mom. She came over to my house cause she knows where i live, been to my house many times and my mom considers Stephanie family.

We have been bffs for 12 years so she let her in. So we hung out i couldn't kick her out since my mom loves Stephanie. i met the baby and, i dont know how to tell my wife. Ive been going to counseling and every therapist i see says to get a divorce. I would like to help make the relationship healthy and try before just leaving her, cause i do love her. She has good traits too. And I have unhealthy coping mechanisms, not communicating, staying silent, talking badly about my wife to my friends when i get so fustrated. I was wondering if i should try to talk to my mother in law? Her whole family loves and adores me and knows i put up with lizz's anger, they dont know the extent of lizz's anger with me though, i dont know what to do and how to talk to lizz...any advice...?? Am i a bad person for talking to Stephanie again after her talking badly about my relationship? (She did apologize a year later) am i wrong for talking to anyone who bad mouths my relationship to me? To me, my friends are my friends, what they think is what they think it doesnt mean i should just kick them out of my life? Theres also a whole nother thing about my wife and my mom...but this post is getting long as it is...

You don't belong married in so many ways. This relationship is not only emotionally abusive, its physically abusive. She isolates you and physically abuses you. Get out while you can before you are even more of a shell of a woman or she breaks your face. The military has a zero tolerance policy for domestic violence, just so you know.

NO you are not a bad person talking to Stephanie. She is your good friend. Please, get a job so you have money of your own, leave Liz - even if you move in with your parents temporarily and please got to counseling. Call the hotline for abuse and the women's shelter likely will set you up with free counseling.

I don't understand why you continued to date this woman after she disrespected you, much less marry her? You know that this was a terrible and abusive match. Why did you choose to be her emotional punching bag?

I am so sorry about the rape. Your partner sounds sadistic and likes to hurt you.

There is no hope for this. You should know this by now. This is who she is. If you continue with this, it is on you.

Leave this now! You need to learn to love yourself and not choose people who enjoy hurting and disrespecting you. Your relationship is very sick.

Get a job! Reach out to Stephanie and tell your family what is going on.

You also need to expand your social circle. You should not make your life about one person. Ever!

This is the most disturbing story that I have read on this site. That says a lot.

What was your upbringing? Why don't you value yourself?

Well, you can read more here:

Lesbians Are Getting Divorced At An Alarming Rate. I Was One Of Them

Are we just wired this way?

http://www.newnownext.com/why-lesbian-couples-divorce-more/10/2017/

Wikipedia says the Lesbian divorce rate is 2x that of the gay rate (14% vs. 7% in Belgium)

Emotional abuse in lesbian relationships is a dirty little secret that few people want to talk about. The news media wants to portray gay marriages as somehow purer than heterosexual marriages. But there are plenty of problems, particularly because of the voyage many lesbians have had to take to get to where they are today.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Domestic_violence_in_lesbian_relationships

In any event, you would need to be a psychiatrist to fix your wife. She is angry, perhaps bipolar, and clearly abusive. Her arguments and insults will only continue to beat you down and turn you into a wisp of yourself. Google emotional abuse and you will see what the aspects of abuse are. She is highly possessive. She is trying to isolate you from your friends and family. She is tearing down your self-esteem and your self confidence. She is trying to make you totally dependent on her for all of your emotions.

You're not being a bad person for talking about what's happening with your family and friends. It's how we cope with events in our lives. And it's how we get advice. You're trying to reach out and get help. You know you're being emotionally abused. Recognize that you cannot fix your wife and you have to save yourself. Realize that you're not alone in this and begin to separate your life from your spouse in preparation for a separation or a divorce.

Your story is heartbreaking.

Ashley, there is a reason every therapist you see tells you to file for divorce. But please, finish reading my entire message here.

You are a rape survivor who continues to get sexually harassed AND you are married to a woman that is extremely abusive and manipulative.

Yes, she has good qualities. Of course she does. I have learned that our lives aren't fairy tales; every person has a good side and a bad side. Every person. I am no different, and neither are you. But, the difference between us and your wife is that her bad side is dominant and harmful. She treats you with no respect, as if you don't have a mind of your own. I'm sure you've heard from your therapists that a healthy relationship is one between consenting adults, one in which they are honest, respect each other, and commit to loving one another and being honest at all times. She sees you as property and as a servant. Take an hour to go through this forum, at the questions people ask us about being mistreated in relationships.

You know, a good relationship should not be the answer to everything that's wrong with your life BUT they are definitely supposed to support you emotionally, so that you can become that strong woman you need to be, and should be. Your wife is doing the exact opposite. Instead of helping you recover from your emotional wounds from what you've been through, instead of being gentle and understanding if you, for example, freeze when she touches you because you had a flashback...she pours salt into your wounds, and uses these wounds to keep you attached to her. I have more words to describe horrible people like these, but I'll keep these words to myself for now. What I want to tell you, and would like you to remember above anything else, is that you are worth more than this, you deserve to be with a person who loves you for you, and not for herself. You deserve to be with someone who helps you be a better version of yourself.

Please have your local non-emergency police number saved on your phone, and don't be afraid to call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline when you need it. I really hope you post here again sometime, this time telling us you've left her for good and have a restraining order against her. My thoughts are with you.

 

In any event, you would need to be a psychiatrist to fix your wife. She is angry, perhaps bipolar, and clearly abusive. Her arguments and insults will only continue to beat you down and turn you into a wisp of yourself. Google emotional abuse and you will see what the aspects of abuse are. She is highly possessive. She is trying to isolate you from your friends and family. She is tearing down your self-esteem and your self confidence. She is trying to make you totally dependent on her for all of your emotions.

 

You're not being a bad person for talking about what's happening with your family and friends. It's how we cope with events in our lives. And it's how we get advice. You're trying to reach out and get help. You know you're being emotionally abused. Recognize that you cannot fix your wife and you have to save yourself. Realize that you're not alone in this and begin to separate your life from your spouse in preparation for a separation or a divorce.

NOOO do not try to "fix" this woman. Fix yourself by getting away from this and seeking counseling. you are NOT simply being emotionally abused but ECONOMICALLY abused, PHYSICALLY abused and more. She is isolating you, has physically hurt you, has forbid you to work (economic abuse), and is verbally abusive you as well. you need to divorce her. you need to live with family or some platonic friend (straight women, or a man) that will support you as far as every time you think about running back, they will talk you out of it. If she hits you again, you call who you need to call on the military base and report her - there is a zero tolerance policy and they will reprimand her and/or force her to get help. I would also start documenting everything

Thanks guys for the advice, but i kinda feel like, im also in the wrong? I've developed bad coping mechanisms and started talking bad about my wife to my friends and now my wife thinks badly of my friends and think they are a bad influence? Thats one thing that I've been doing wrong, idk. Being constantly told that im doing something wrong all the time is still making me confused even with counseling. Everyone keeps telling me to get a divorce, but i want to try to talk to her i just dont know how..

Like my wife snd I just got into a fight because of me posting memes about men and she has been in bootcamp for two months and now shes in AIT so now she has her phone, so she was scrolling down my FB profile to see my fb posts for the last two months and saw that i posted memes about men on FB. There was a post about how men get abused in relationships, and there was this meme about men that was funny and a meme about lgbtq men. She got angry at me and said that im a and my posts are disgusting and it makes it look like i want men and that i embarassed her on social media and then she went on to say that she wishes that she didnt get married to me because im stupid and then called me a ing idiot and that i dont care about her or her feelings? Its just a facebook post of memes and not a reflection of how i feel? Sometimes i post to just post, did i do something wrong? She said that she isnt gonna text me anymore cause im a terrible wfe and want to be with a man even though i apologized and no i dont wanna be with a man they are just memes! Funny memes or ones about lgbtq community. She also called me a and that im creepy as to why i think talking to men while in a relationship is okay (like male friends) i dont have any i was just saying. Like im so tired i dont even understand why she feels this way, and said that i cant be trusted because im gullible and i have terrible judgement and ill flirt with men and not care which isnt true...

Like my wife snd I just got into a fight because of me posting memes about men and she has been in bootcamp for two months and now shes in AIT so now she has her phone, so she was scrolling down my FB profile to see my fb posts for the last two months and saw that i posted memes about men on FB. There was a post about how men get abused in relationships, and there was this meme about men that was funny and a meme about lgbtq men. She got angry at me and said that im a and my posts are disgusting and it makes it look like i want men and that i embarassed her on social media and then she went on to say that she wishes that she didnt get married to me because im stupid and then called me a ing idiot and that i dont care about her or her feelings? Its just a facebook post of memes and not a reflection of how i feel? Sometimes i post to just post, did i do something wrong? She said that she isnt gonna text me anymore cause im a terrible wfe and want to be with a man even though i apologized and no i dont wanna be with a man they are just memes! Funny memes or ones about lgbtq community. She also called me a and that im creepy as to why i think talking to men while in a relationship is okay (like male friends) i dont have any i was just saying. Like im so tired i dont even understand why she feels this way, and said that i cant be trusted because im gullible and i have terrible judgement and ill flirt with men and not care which isnt true...

Okay - then give her your wish - divorce her!

I think you need to get far away from her -- leave the relationship. go to a women's shelter if you need to. She is extremely abusive. I honestly would block her from my Facebook so she can't see it. PLEASE GET OUT. How much more will it take for you to leave?