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Hello people. So my gf and I have been living together in a very committed relationship for the past 8 months. We've had some major downs along the way but our commitment is strong. I help raise her two kids 9 and 10.

 

She often claims hate for her ex-husband who she was married to for 7 years and whom she had her children with. She tells me how she divorced him for multiple cheating and how he can be so conniving and passive aggressive.

 

However, in person she's very nice to him (understandable since kids are involved), but very nice and she chats with him regularly over text about the kids and the funny stuff they do and say. This hasn't bothered me at all, except that in private with me she expresses so much disdain for him being conniving at times and the two facedness does bother me.

 

I've often had a "intuitive" suspicion that there is still some mutual attraction towards each other. In the beginning of our relationship she stated they he had recently "hit on her" through text even though he has a girlfriend he lives with. We both brushed it off.

 

Just yesterday however... I was walking to the door and passsed her phone with texts left up and I noticed it was to her ex husband. I paid no extra attention except that I saw the word "nudes" and had to look more. The text was from her to him saying "Send some nudes." Hold up though... Right below that text she clarified by saying in a separate text "In dollar form." He had no response yet. I was confused...

 

I know she's been needing child support from him. But I thought 'what a wierd suggestive way to ask for it.' Am I right? So I did a Google search and found out that if you place multiple folded dollar bills together in the right way it spells "send some nudes." So... I thought ok, it was a joke. I get it. But...

 

I personally found it sexually suggestive and definitely inappropriate. I am now concerned with that level of comfortability they share. Once again I have that sneaking suspicion about her possible attraction to him. Is this inappropriate? Is it sexually suggestive, even in joke form?

 

I know that I don't like it at all, but I don't know if I'm over reacting or not? I've been really stressed lately so I'm not sure...

 

Thoughts?

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I don't really see a problem.

 

Obviously she has negative feelings towards him as well as positive ones - normal.

She keeps things happy and civil when he's around and then she expresses her frustrations about him to you - normal again I'd say.

 

As for the text, it was a joke. There is always going to be a certain degree of familiarity with one's ex especially when forced to be in each others lives forever due to children

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Unfortunately after only 8 mos, this situation is fraught with problems. Stay out of the line of fire with her divorce and custody/child support issues. If she starts going on about her ex, child support etc, change the subject and say "take that up with him" or "go back to court about that". Obviously she has to communicate with their father and at best on a somewhat cordial level.

 

Stop babysitting her kids. That is for her and their father to manage. Dating 8 mos is too soon to play instant-family. Also staying at her place is not "living together". Stay at your place more and give everyone some space, including yourself and go back to normal dating.

05-17-2018:So my girlfriend and I broke up a little over a week ago. We dated 7 months living together. She ended the relationship because we were having arguements and I told her I needed a night to myself in my own RV (which is 50yards away from hers/we live in a RV park and I always sleep in her RV).
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I would be concerned with the 'I help raise her kids' sentence. Its been 8 months. You are still getting to know her, let alone her kids....let alone 'raising' them.

 

This was the problem I had with all of this, too. How long did you know her before moving in?

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According to this post you made, you two broke up last month and then reconciled:

 

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=550588

 

That thread was about suspicions you had of your girlfriend.

 

So things have been rocky for at least a month. And you definitely have trust issues with regard to her.

 

Sounds like you may have rushed this relationship and you are only recently meeting the "real" her. Why the rush to move in, especially with children involved?

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I concur with other posters' concerns, and the mosaic of telling facts suggests a combination of all-or-nothing thinking, making oneself interdependent before knowing if you can get through conflict, potential concerns about codependency potential concerns about self advocacy.

 

Do you trust yourself? Do you trust your own judgment? Do you feel you need to be useful in order to be wanted?

 

If yes to the latter question, I can understand why you might have concerns about her ability to manipulate you. You are not a victim. If you worry about being used, then stop giving more of yourself than is comfortable for you.

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I agree raising kids is a heavy way of putting it. For the past 6 months I've driven them to school on a consistent basis and picked them up, spend fun times with them often, and have given them emotional support as they have leaned on both her and I for it.

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I concur with other posters' concerns, and the mosaic of telling facts suggests a combination of all-or-nothing thinking, making oneself interdependent before knowing if you can get through conflict, potential concerns about codependency potential concerns about self advocacy.

 

Do you trust yourself? Do you trust your own judgment? Do you feel you need to be useful in order to be wanted?

 

If yes to the latter question, I can understand why you might have concerns about her ability to manipulate you. You are not a victim. If you worry about being used, then stop giving more of yourself than is comfortable for you.

 

I trust myself. The part of me I don't always trust is my judgement. I do... feel I must be useful to be wanted (to a degree/not hugely/).

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I concur with other posters' concerns, and the mosaic of telling facts suggests a combination of all-or-nothing thinking, making oneself interdependent before knowing if you can get through conflict, potential concerns about codependency potential concerns about self advocacy.

 

Do you trust yourself? Do you trust your own judgment? Do you feel you need to be useful in order to be wanted?

 

If yes to the latter question, I can understand why you might have concerns about her ability to manipulate you. You are not a victim. If you worry about being used, then stop giving more of yourself than is comfortable for you.

 

Thanks for your reply. Was the "all or nothing thinking" statement poinnted at her or me? Or both? I wouldn't say I have an all or nothing attitude towards her, but it does feel the other way around to me. I can take some criticism though.

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Do you work? Why isn't the mother or father doing all of this? It's fine to go out to family oriented things with her and hers kids but this is way too much. Their father is in the picture and you are only confusing them. Your gf seems to have very poor judgement leaving her kids alone with someone she's dating for 8 weeks.

For the past 6 months I've driven them to school on a consistent basis and picked them up, spend fun times with them often, and have given them emotional support.
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This was the problem I had with all of this, too. How long did you know her before moving in?

 

We had dated for about 3 months before I moved in and started playing father rolls. It seemed to be a requirement of living with them.

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This was the problem I had with all of this, too. How long did you know her before moving in?

 

According to this post you made, you two broke up last month and then reconciled:

 

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=550588

 

That thread was about suspicions you had of your girlfriend.

 

So things have been rocky for at least a month. And you definitely have trust issues with regard to her.

 

Sounds like you may have rushed this relationship and you are only recently meeting the "real" her. Why the rush to move in, especially with children involved?

 

Moving in happened about 3 months into dating. It kinda happened gradually over weeks. It was her invitation and I guess I let it happen because I do have a fatherly spirit and it felt good. Trust me, I see the issue with it now. We didn't have time to get to know each other enough before entering problems married couples deal with.

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This was the problem I had with all of this, too. How long did you know her before moving in?

 

According to this post you made, you two broke up last month and then reconciled:

 

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=550588

 

That thread was about suspicions you had of your girlfriend.

 

So things have been rocky for at least a month. And you definitely have trust issues with regard to her.

 

Sounds like you may have rushed this relationship and you are only recently meeting the "real" her. Why the rush to move in, especially with children involved?

 

Do you work? Why isn't the mother or father doing all of this? It's fine to go out to family oriented things with her and hers kids but this is way too much. Their father is in the picture and you are only confusing them. Your gf seems to have very poor judgement leaving her kids alone with someone she's dating for 8 weeks.

 

Yes, I work. She doesn't have a steady job and struggles. I help pay bills. Actually, the father is across state and is barely present for them. The kids explicitly state they love him but don't like him. They say they like and love their mom and I. I'm one hell of big hearted guy and she trusts me with her kids after 3 months of getting to know each other. And the kids always want to spend time with me.

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Yes, I work. She doesn't have a steady job and struggles. I help pay bills. Actually, the father is across state and is barely present for them. The kids explicitly state they love him but don't like him. They say they like and love their mom and I. I'm one hell of big hearted guy and she trusts me with her kids after 3 months of getting to know each other. And the kids always want to spend time with me.

 

Great, so the kids have become attached to you and within the past month relationship issues have cropped up. Issues that are so bad you two actually broke up.

 

This is going to be so very difficult for the kids if you two finally get around to getting to know one another and find out that you aren't compatible.

 

And moving in didn't just happen. It's not like you woke up one day and you and your belongings were suddenly in her place. It was a conscious decision. Why, I can't understand. What's wrong with dating for a reasonable amount of time (NOT 3 months!) to find out if you're compatible? Was she looking for a Daddy for her kids and someone to pay the bills?

 

PS: If the father is "barely present" for the kids, that makes her request for nudes even more incomprehensible. Is she trying to lure him back with sex talk?

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I'm not liking the sounds of this. After reading through your last thread about the concert, and then reading how she doesn't have a job and how you pick up her kids after such a short courtship, I feel uncomfortable about your role in all this.

 

At the concert, a man had stared at her a few different times, whispered in her ear, then hit you on your shoulder. When you questioned her she was vague about it at best and changed the subject.

 

Now, recently, she asks her ex for child support money in a cheeky way. All these things by themselves aren't that bad depending on who you ask, but just add all these things up together.

 

I don't think it means she's a cheater or anything like that, but with your commitment to her, to HER children, and with you paying her bills, she at the very least as a respectable person should be totally honest with you, especially regarding anything you are uncomfortable with.

 

I mean, yeah, the guy at the concert could have been some random freako that thought she was hot, which isn't her fault. But shrugging it off and then trying to act extra nice to you immediately afterwards is fishy to me, like she felt guilty about something. If she didn't know him, why be vague? She could just say, "I honestly don't know. I'm trying to think if he's someone I saw at a bar or club once. He kind of looks like this one guy I saw there last week, but I'm just not sure" instead of shrugging and saying "gee i don't know." If that had been a guy she'd hooked up with while you 2 were apart, she should have told you, or told you the least that you needed to know. An honest person would have said, "Okay, I don't want you to freak out, but I dated him briefly while you and I were broken up." Sure, it isn't a pleasant conversation, but communication and honesty is vital for a healthy relationship, and admitting things like this is how you build trust.

 

You don't want your partner to feel uncertain. You don't want your partner to have to do an internet search for free advice boards and have to ask a bunch of strangers what they think (but I love ENA and all it's done for people! yay).

 

In my opinion, as a woman who has been a person much like your GF, I don't think she is a cheat, but I do think she's a tad immature.

 

HOWEVER, I will say this to my credit: When I was a single mom, I never once asked anyone I was dating to pick up my child and pay my bills, especially with someone I was so newly dating. And if I ran into a fling at a concert and my boyfriend asked who that was, you best bet I'm going to be an open book!

 

You're a big-hearted guy. That is great. But are you happy in this relationship? If she never matures and stays exactly like this forever, little white lies and all, would you be able to accept that?

 

If the answer is no, you know what you need to do.

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I'm not liking the sounds of this. After reading through your last thread about the concert, and then reading how she doesn't have a job and how you pick up her kids after such a short courtship, I feel uncomfortable about your role in all this.

 

At the concert, a man had stared at her a few different times, whispered in her ear, then hit you on your shoulder. When you questioned her she was vague about it at best and changed the subject.

 

Now, recently, she asks her ex for child support money in a cheeky way. All these things by themselves aren't that bad depending on who you ask, but just add all these things up together.

 

I don't think it means she's a cheater or anything like that, but with your commitment to her, to HER children, and with you paying her bills, she at the very least as a respectable person should be totally honest with you, especially regarding anything you are uncomfortable with.

 

I mean, yeah, the guy at the concert could have been some random freako that thought she was hot, which isn't her fault. But shrugging it off and then trying to act extra nice to you immediately afterwards is fishy to me, like she felt guilty about something. If she didn't know him, why be vague? She could just say, "I honestly don't know. I'm trying to think if he's someone I saw at a bar or club once. He kind of looks like this one guy I saw there last week, but I'm just not sure" instead of shrugging and saying "gee i don't know." If that had been a guy she'd hooked up with while you 2 were apart, she should have told you, or told you the least that you needed to know. An honest person would have said, "Okay, I don't want you to freak out, but I dated him briefly while you and I were broken up." Sure, it isn't a pleasant conversation, but communication and honesty is vital for a healthy relationship, and admitting things like this is how you build trust.

 

You don't want your partner to feel uncertain. You don't want your partner to have to do an internet search for free advice boards and have to ask a bunch of strangers what they think (but I love ENA and all it's done for people! yay).

 

In my opinion, as a woman who has been a person much like your GF, I don't think she is a cheat, but I do think she's a tad immature.

 

HOWEVER, I will say this to my credit: When I was a single mom, I never once asked anyone I was dating to pick up my child and pay my bills, especially with someone I was so newly dating. And if I ran into a fling at a concert and my boyfriend asked who that was, you best bet I'm going to be an open book!

 

You're a big-hearted guy. That is great. But are you happy in this relationship? If she never matures and stays exactly like this forever, little white lies and all, would you be able to accept that?

 

If the answer is no, you know what you need to do.

 

Thank you CML342.

She has looked me in they eyes and told me that the guy at the show was a stranger and I feel she's telling the truth. However, I've put all my trust in those who were very convincing and was dealing wrong. So i have my trust issues that cloud and linger around. Trying to work on it in therapy.

 

I don't think she is a cheater either, but she is immature in some areas for sure. She did want me to move in, but without saying so. She never asked me to take on bills or driving kids. I saw her struggling and offered myself. Ive looked back and noticed that it's when I started doing all these favors for her that she started having an attitude with me. Before we were fine. I think there is a correlation.

 

You know, there are so many great qualities in her that are foundational for a great relationship. It isn't a codependency which propells me forward through our hard times. Its who she is that does so and her willingness to admit her faults and join in counselling with me. We are doing that soon. It's planned. I'm here asking questions because I sometimes doubt my own judgement when stressed.

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We had dated for about 3 months before I moved in and started playing father rolls. It seemed to be a requirement of living with them.

 

Really confusing for the kids. I would not recommend this type of move for at least two years. Bad judgement.

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Great, so the kids have become attached to you and within the past month relationship issues have cropped up. Issues that are so bad you two actually broke up.

 

This is going to be so very difficult for the kids if you two finally get around to getting to know one another and find out that you aren't compatible.

 

And moving in didn't just happen. It's not like you woke up one day and you and your belongings were suddenly in her place. It was a conscious decision. Why, I can't understand. What's wrong with dating for a reasonable amount of time (NOT 3 months!) to find out if you're compatible? Was she looking for a Daddy for her kids and someone to pay the bills?

 

PS: If the father is "barely present" for the kids, that makes her request for nudes even more incomprehensible. Is she trying to lure him back with sex talk?

 

This is a mess, and the kids are the ones who will suffer. Playing the 'father role' at three months is insane. How old are the kids? Hw old is the gf? Why isn't she working full-time? Who supported these kids before you came along?

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Yikes. Dating 8 mos and now your in therapy together? Did you recently get divorced /break up with someone. Are you afraid to live alone? It's bizarre to latch onto this single mother like this, then question everything about any other random guys or her kids dad. Do you pay rent, utilities, food etc on a regular basis or just ad hoc bills? What happened to your place? Why can't she pick up her own kids or get a job? You make her sound like a looser and yourself sound like some altruist, but hopefully therapy will get you clear on this.

She did want me to move in, but without saying so. She never asked me to take on bills or driving kids.
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