Why can't I find anyone?

Hello everyone, I am back.

It has been 9 months since my heart has been torn into pieces. It took me a couple of months to go back to "normal", and since then I have decided to go back to dating. But... no success.

I am a good looking guy, smart, intelligent, with a good position. Yet, there is no way I can date someone. I have tried TInder, and I had a couple of matches and went for a few casual meetings. All the ladies I met complimented me for my look and my character, in a genuine way. Clearly not pretending, and body their body language gave away a lot. Yet, I never managed to have a second date.

I have also met a few other women through some friends and at work; lots of texting, even quite spicy from their site... I have been asked out a few times, I accepted the invitations, had plenty of fun... But again, no luck.

Everyone around me keeps saying how handsome and amazing I am, yet things seem not to work. I am getting extremely tired and frustrating of the whole situation. Also, I need someone in my life. It is not an obsession, it is a need. I took all the time for myself and enjoyed the single life to go back and cultivate my hobbies and look after myself. I lately came to the point of getting bored of my hobbies, or better said, hobbies are not enough to keep me busy.

I am not really expecting any answer, mine is just a long rant.

Thanks for reading :)

What is your age if you don't mind me asking. It might be helpful with advise.

I know you don't expect an answer. I'm just wondering, could it be that you are not making your interest obvious enough to the women? You said that they show interest in you and then it goes nowhere. Do you think that you remain too aloof and these women think that you are the one who is not interested? Was there a particular woman you have dated that really stood out in your favor? You said you had fun, but you want to find that special someone. It's not just about finding the woman who is interested in you; don't you have to be interested in her, too? If you haven't found the one who sparked your interest yet, well, give it time. I know, it takes lots of time and lots of not-quites. But that's because you are unique. Those women with whom you don't quite feel the spark, they're for someone else. And you're for someone else. There's only one of you and you have to give her time to find you. Keep hope alive. There is someone for everyone. Don't settle for less than love and respect and someone who brings you joy. Just keep putting yourself out there and sharing all the wonderfulness that is you, and she will come along. Let yourself be honest and vulnerable. When you like someone, show it, make that date, make that move, give them special attention to show that you're interested.

Just to answer to "and it goes", I am 37.

There has been, and still is, one woman who really stood out. The spark is there, from both ends. But, for some reason, it does not really work. I told her the she is special, and I would like to meet her again. She agreed on a second date, but we have not seen each other in 3 weeks now. We keep talking and texting; she has asked me out in the meanwhile, but always found some excuses to bail out at the last moment. We planned to go out this weekend, but she just texted me that she is going to spend some time kite surfing with her brother. So, once again, there is something but I am not a priority, apparently. So I guess this is another "miss" or "not quite".

Thank you all for jumping in, much appreciated

Maybe you need to ask any women friends you have to critique you and ask them to tell you what faults they see in your that would keep the women you dated from going out on a second date. Also, how old are these women, particularly the one you're interested in? Maybe they're too young for you. Tinder tends to skew younger. This girl you've been trying to get out on a date, like a lot of women, she just doesn't know how to say no to someone. Just give up and move on.

I decided to date women around my age; the one I like is 2 years older than me.

And yes, thanks for the advice. I am doing that, I think my female friends are really helpful and honest. They gave me some good advice, but unfortunately all women are different... you try and be nice, and they want to just have sex. You try and be physical, and they want a very intellectual relationship. I just try and be myself, and do what I feel more appropriate in that situation.

Hello everyone, I am back.

 

It has been 9 months since my heart has been torn into pieces. It took me a couple of months to go back to "normal", and since then I have decided to go back to dating.

I took all the time for myself and enjoyed the single life to go back and cultivate my hobbies and look after myself[/quote

 

 

Based on what you said here, you took a couple months to be single and enjoyed it?

That's typically not long enough time to get your legs back under you and if you are saying you `need' to be in a relationship suggests that you didn't really enjoy the short time alone being single after all.

Maybe that's the reason you aren't meeting the right girl. You had not entirely healed and you are `needing' to find a replacement.

 

Based on what you said here, you took a couple months to be single and enjoyed it?

That's typically not long enough time to get your legs back under you and if you are saying you `need' to be in a relationship suggests that you didn't really enjoy the short time alone being single after all.

Maybe that's the reason you aren't meeting the right girl. You had not entirely healed and you are `needing' to find a replacement.

No, badly written. I have been back to the dating game for a couple of months now. The first two months after the breakup where just to deal with it and heal the wounds. So I gave myself basically 6 months to enjoy the single life and work on myself. I am healed, I can tell. There have been times when I could not even talk to any woman because I had lost trust in the female sex. I decided to start looking for a partner only after I felt good with myself and with the world. I did so much during this past time, I have almost ran out of hobbies, and have been extremely successful in all aspects of my life. I felt, and I still feel, that the time is right now.

Just to answer to "and it goes", I am 37.

 

There has been, and still is, one woman who really stood out. The spark is there, from both ends. But, for some reason, it does not really work. I told her the she is special, and I would like to meet her again. She agreed on a second date, but we have not seen each other in 3 weeks now. We keep talking and texting; she has asked me out in the meanwhile, but always found some excuses to bail out at the last moment. We planned to go out this weekend, but she just texted me that she is going to spend some time kite surfing with her brother. So, once again, there is something but I am not a priority, apparently. So I guess this is another "miss" or "not quite".

 

Thank you all for jumping in, much appreciated

So this is about a specific woman. That helps narrow it down.

If it's not... and I say this with no disrespect, you gotta get over yourself. Just because online dating makes your pool bigger it isn't going to make a woman just fall in your lap. You've been on a handful of dates. Be realistic.

Luckily, I think this is about one specific girl which, if you elaborate, I'm sure you'll get some helpful advice.

What about this girl makes it not work? If there's a spark there from both ends wouldn't it work?

I understand how you feel. I realized today that although I really miss my ex, he's moving on and I need to also. I'm not actively looking for anyone right now, either. But I decided to get up, put on a nice dress, some heels, twisted my hair up, and went out alone on the town for a couple of hours to catch some fresh air and unwind from the work week-- and by chance ended up at a nice restaurant downtown in my city enjoying some pleasant conversation with a person of the opposite sex. No pressure, just light convo. Different nationality than mine too. It got my mind off my ex momentarily too. I realized that I need to get out more often and mingle. You may very well meet someone when you least expect it. That's how it always happened to me, anyway. Cheer up. There is someone out there for you. You'll cross paths with her at the right time.

Just an update,just found out that the lady I liked and I felt sparkled for is happily married, and apologised for toying me.

Faith in women lost again

Just an update,just found out that the lady I liked and I felt sparkled for is happily married, and apologised for toying me.

 

Faith in women lost again

Maybe the lesson in this is to not invest in some one who can't seem to make the time to see you.

You admitted yourself that there was only one person you were interested in and had you broadened your search

and not invest so much in the very person who couldn't even make the time for you, another opportunity might have presented itself and you wouldn't be feeling so discouraged.

Lumping all women into being a disappointment isn't exactly fair. This one woman was toying with you and you tolerated it long past it's sell date.

Just date smarter next time.

Doesn't matter what you look like or what anyone tells you. If you are displaying feminine behavior on the dates with these women you are going to be perpetually friend zoned, rejected and dumped. Some of the biggest mistakes men make is over texting, which comes off as needy and weak. Not decisive - when setting the date going "I dont know, where do you want to go?" Treating a date like she's already your girlfriend or wife, ie. being a sap, showing up with roses or expensive dinners when you should just be getting to know each other. Treating her like a GF is just going to scare her away, let her make the call on when to make the relationship official.

Basically doing what every rom-com movie has falsely been telling men to do for the past 30 years, when all that it'll get you in real life is blocked.

Been there. I'm 43 a little older than you, and what I found is most women around this age seem to expect the worst. Most of them have been through the ringer with men. So it's like PTSD or something. All of a sudden a guy they meet checks all the boxes and they over think it and find a way to sabotage it. I've gotten a bunch of second and beyond dates by simply not checking the boxes, not telling too much. Hell even putting a tiny bit of bad boy out there. Amazingly it works. And I'm not ugly but I'm no model. What's funny is for the most part it's me by the later dates that's got turned off by them and moved on. The games I've been running into played by women is astounding especially considering we should all be mature and past that point by now. I really really try not to play but I've had to resort to it time to time.

Good luck!

Been there. I'm 43 a little older than you, and what I found is most women around this age seem to expect the worst. Most of them have been through the ringer with men. So it's like PTSD or something. All of a sudden a guy they meet checks all the boxes and they over think it and find a way to sabotage it. I've gotten a bunch of second and beyond dates by simply not checking the boxes, not telling too much. Hell even putting a tiny bit of bad boy out there. Amazingly it works. And I'm not ugly but I'm no model. What's funny is for the most part it's me by the later dates that's got turned off by them and moved on. The games I've been running into played by women is astounding especially considering we should all be mature and past that point by now. I really really try not to play but I've had to resort to it time to time.

Good luck!

So doing what you're supposed to be doing - and yes I've had the same issue. After 3-4 dates or 3-4 months I am done with them too.

Doesn't matter what you look like or what anyone tells you. If you are displaying feminine behavior on the dates with these women you are going to be perpetually friend zoned, rejected and dumped. Some of the biggest mistakes men make is over texting, which comes off as needy and weak. Not decisive - when setting the date going "I dont know, where do you want to go?" Treating a date like she's already your girlfriend or wife, ie. being a sap, showing up with roses or expensive dinners when you should just be getting to know each other. Treating her like a GF is just going to scare her away, let her make the call on when to make the relationship official.

 

Basically doing what every rom-com movie has falsely been telling men to do for the past 30 years, when all that it'll get you in real life is blocked.

Well, that's not me though. I am a gentleman, but definitely do not display "feminine" behaviour. And I agree, the rom-com thing has set unrealistic expectations for both men and women.

Thanks for jumping in :)

Just an update, more for myself to analyse the situation than seeking for support or advice.

It seems to me that I belong to the "wrong" age demographics. And I don't say this with the intention of complaining or any sort of self-commiseration. Like I said, I have not been in the dating game for long, but I can see some patterns and some other men in my situation tend to support my ideas. Just to recap, I am not looking for one-night stands or "f**k buddies" relationships.

What I found is that there are 3 categories of "available" women out there:

1) The 20-22 year old girls who wants to be "dominated" and "schooled" by an older man. I have been out with a few of them, and chatted with some others, and it is all about sending nudes, asking for d**k pics, and all that jazz. They also tried to outsmart me a couple of times, which is kind of ridiculous.

2) The 28-35 year old social workers or nurses, generally not so good looking (and sorry to say that, but looks matter) and who never had a relationship in their life. I pulled the trigger a few times and hoped that personality would at least compensate for not so great appearance. 3 dates and a few conversations in, I only heard about how miserable their life is and that their job is more important than any relationship.

3) The single mums and the divorced ones. Nothing to say here, but I don't want to start a relationship with someone who already has kids. The older, divorced ladies are sort of like the youngsters from 1), they just see some attractive man and they go for it. It doesn't help that most of them are in their late 40s or early 50s.

I keep looking around, but honestly the situation is a bit depressing and does not give me lots of hope.

I'm a 38 year old guy, 8 months out of a relationship, 3 months into dating again. I've had a really different experience, or at least a different outlook on similar experiences, and I have to wonder if part of your concern is that you're still a little wobbly from your last relationship. The way you talk about women—your heart was torn apart, you've lost faith in women from one shallow experience—has a kind of catastrophic quality, like you see them as potential threats/potential life loves rather than, you know, people. You also seem to take any sign of rejection/disinterest really hard as opposed to par for the course in dating, when two people are feeling each other out and seeing what feelings come, go, and stick.

Not sure if this is because you're wobbly from your last relationship or what, but what this all boils down to is your vibe/energy. Just from reading your posts, I can sense it's really poor, sorry.

People underestimate the energy we project, but it trumps everything else - looks, money, status. Everything.

Contrast your energy/vibe to bluecastle's (for example) who is in the same position you are, dealing with a bad breakup, etc, and just from the few posts I've read from him, he projects a much more positive vibe, and as such, attracts people to him, including women.

And it all reflects in the types of experiences he has, which he just posted are much different from yours despite being in the exact same position you are.

Positive energy attracts people (both men and women).

Negative energy repels.

What's happening to you, the rejections, etc. have nothing to do with the women or "demographics" -- it's about you.

I mean absolutely no disrespect, but I echo what figureitout said, get over yourself.

You are the common denominator.

Look within and take steps to improve your attitude/vibe, and you might find your experiences with women improving as well.

Best of luck!

Well when you feel you 'need' someone, your vibe is screaming, "please love me, I'm broken"

You are not ready to date OPer.

Just because youre over your ex doesnt mean youre ready, you gotta take the time to build yourself back up.

"I need someone in my life"

All of your problems go back to this. Until you can approach dating with a clear head, and without expecting every date to lead to the one forever and all time, you are going to struggle. I see a lot of "I can't get a second date". But surprisingly little "And then there are all the bad dates where I didn't even want to continue the date let alone have a second."

Why aren't you doing some of the rejecting? Do you even know what you are looking for?