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Ex-Boyfriend called.....No, I didn't pick up


Starlight925

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I have several threads about this relationship, but abridged:

1.5 years together.

I ended it due to lying, inconsistent stories, multiple exes who continually crossed boundaries and he wouldn't enforce boundaries, shady cell phone behavior (phone always face-down, texts that went unanswered in my presence).

 

He was married twice: 1st marriage, many years, 2 kids. He cheated on her for 4 years with her best friend. 2nd marriage, no kids, but he was on Ashley Madison (you can type his email, it's there, and he finally admitted it to me).

 

I haven't spoken to him in months. He's long been removed from all SM, phone, contacts, etc., and I haven't done any SM searches either. Funny because just last night, I removed him & all his family from instagram, which I don't use. I deleted the app last year, but I went online & went through any "followers" that I didn't want. He doesn't use it either, but I'm wondering if he somehow was notified.

 

Coincidentally, a friend just told me about his new girlfriend, who he had told me about months ago. She's a VP at a huge company here, and she pays for every. single. thing. that they do together. Literally, every single coffee. Every trip. Everything. That friend wasn't trying to tell me anything, it just came out in a conversation, as she had run into him, and of course he made sure to tell her.

 

So this morning, just as I was returning from my nice walk through my neighborhood, my phone rang with an unrecognized number. But I have this thing where my mind memorizes numbers (like, I know everyone's license plates, weird I know), so I knew it was him. He left a VM...."just want to see how you are, thought about you when Kate Spade died, etc".

 

He's doing the same thing to his "wonderful girlfriend" that he did to me. Reaching out to exes, because, well, he's just such a "great guy", and he wanted to make sure I was "all right" after Kate Spade died. Wanted to check on my nieces (yes he said that in his message).

 

What a piece of sh*t.

 

Always had some "valid reason" he needed to call this ex or that.

 

No, I didn't return the call. Just venting.

 

Re: Just blocking the number: I have a company cell phone, so I'd have to call my company, etc. Since there's technically no harassing/stalking going on, I'd rather just keep my private business to myself.

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If he contacts you again, tell him to leave you alone or you will contact the authorities.

 

You need to stop conversations with friends. Shut them down.

 

Thanks. It wasn't a conversation, but something she said when we were talking to another friend about something else. It was literally one sentence.

However.....

I know she didn't mean anything by it, but next time I talk to her, I'm going to tell her I don't want to hear about him.

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Thanks. It wasn't a conversation, but something she said when we were talking to another friend about something else. It was literally one sentence.

However.....

I know she didn't mean anything by it, but next time I talk to her, I'm going to tell her I don't want to hear about him.

 

I think that is a good idea. It makes it difficult to move forward when you have to continue to hear about these jerks.

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I think that is a good idea. It makes it difficult to move forward when you have to continue to hear about these jerks.

 

Exactly. I've done so much reading, therapy, etc., since that breakup, to figure out just why I stayed, and why it bothered me so much, afterwards.

 

To allow my brain to be pulled back in via an offhand comment by a friend, when I've done everything to move on, doesn't help.

 

I'll just ask her to please not mention him to me, if she hears anything.

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My ex had a string of exes he kept in contact with. He had a way of making it seem like it was our (the exes) fault whenever there were conflicts. One time when I confronted him about cheating, he asked me "Why are you trying to ruin our relationship?" I mean, I couldn't even come up with a response to that one!

 

So, since he chose women with self-esteem issues, many of his exes continued to try to "fix" things, even after he left them (and HE was always the one who left). He was that good.

 

As far as I know, he only has one ex who is still hung up on the past enough to entertain contact from him. But hey, he's getting older and isn't so cute anymore and the girls are no longer flocking to him.

 

I wonder, LH, if your ex is a little bit like my ex.

 

Fortunately, I do not love my ex and I don't even like him. I ended contact years ago and do not regret it one bit.

 

One thing I am still working on is forgiving myself for staying with that piece of garbage for four years. I still think, what the H was I thinking????? Still struggle with that.

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Good for you for being strong! I sense anger in your tone too. That's good.

 

I'm just curious, did you know he cheated on the first wife? And the second, he was on that site during his marraige?

Why do his exes keep contact with him? Was he charming?

 

Yes, admittedly I still have anger. But the anger is at myself, for staying with him for so long, knowing all that I knew.

 

How did I know he cheated on his first wife? Because he told me. In the first week of dating, I asked him what happened in his first marriage. Mind you, I was cutting the flowers he had just brought me, on our way to dinner & the theater, and I casually asked. He told me the whole story, and when I asked why, his answer? His exact words: "I was seduced". Yep, his wife's best friend "seduced" him, and college LaCrosse player that he was, couldn't fend her off, poor baby.

 

He never expressed remorse for it, just upset that his wife found out, years later (the best friend told her).

 

I'm angry at myself for continuing to cut the flowers, place them in a nice vase, and go to dinner, and let him charm me for 1 1/2 years. Why didn't I just thank him for his honesty and send him on? I kept waiting for more of the story, for the remorse, to hear how sorry he was, how much he learned, etc., but when I got more details, it was more of why it wasn't his fault. His ex-wife was "crazy" (no, she was not, I got to know her), her best friend was also "crazy" and "kept seducing him" (um for 4 years buddy?), yet I stayed.

 

It's my fault. I walked head-on into this thing.

 

The Ashley Madison thing: I looked up his email after watching the documentary (pretty good BTW), and the timing of it was exactly when he was married the 2nd time. I asked him about it. Not really my business, because it was prior to knowing me, but I kept seeing all these red flags, and it was another piece of the pattern. First, he lied to me, and then he finally admitted when I asked if he wanted me to show him the site. I became enraged at the lie.

 

He kept every single woman he's gone on even one date with, as a phone contact, and most of them as Facebook friends. He took his phone everywhere, even the bathroom, and it was face-down and silent otherwise.

 

He'd always reach out to some ex or another, saying she needed help, or that something in her world was bad, so he was just checking on her. When I'd have a problem with the boundaries, his argument was always the same: "I'm just trying to be a good guy, is that so bad?"

 

So for him to call me today, because he thought my nieces & I would be upset about Kate Spade (um, hello, weeks ago), was just his way of finding an excuse to talk to me.

 

BTW, he gave me a Kate Spade bag for my birthday last year, which I promptly sold online, lol.

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My ex had a string of exes he kept in contact with. He had a way of making it seem like it was our (the exes) fault whenever there were conflicts. One time when I confronted him about cheating, he asked me "Why are you trying to ruin our relationship?" I mean, I couldn't even come up with a response to that one!

 

So, since he chose women with self-esteem issues, many of his exes continued to try to "fix" things, even after he left them (and HE was always the one who left). He was that good.

 

As far as I know, he only has one ex who is still hung up on the past enough to entertain contact from him. But hey, he's getting older and isn't so cute anymore and the girls are no longer flocking to him.

 

I wonder, LH, if your ex is a little bit like my ex.

 

Fortunately, I do not love my ex and I don't even like him. I ended contact years ago and do not regret it one bit.

 

One thing I am still working on is forgiving myself for staying with that piece of garbage for four years. I still think, what the H was I thinking????? Still struggle with that.

 

OMG, same guy, lol.

 

Yes, the only anger I have, and admittedly still work on, is forgiving myself for staying so long.

 

My therapist said to envision him as sludge from the bottom of your shoe. Good visual, lol.

 

I've learned a lot in the past year, but it's mostly been about myself, my own patterns, stemming from my own childhood issues. So now, intellectually at least, I "get" it, but the emotions are still working on catching up.

 

I shouldn't, but I do, have this anger, this upset, that I wish everyone would see him for what I know him to be. But in the past year, I have not trashed him to one person, nor have I made any of this public. He has two grown kids (awesome kids) who are married to awesome kids, and I just felt it better to bow completely out.

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One more thing: I didn't really post about this phone call today other than to just.....write about it.

 

I so appreciate everyone's responses!

 

It's more of a journaling effort for myself. I look back on my previous threads (and this will add to it) every time I'm feeling emotional.

 

I've done a lot of journaling outside here, and I have a huge folder now (all in word) entitled: "Read if Miss". LOL....full of way more detail than anyone would want to know.

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I do wonder why you haven't blocked him.

 

I blocked my ex a few years ago when he posted something really offensive as a comment to something I posted. He was furious that I would not allow him to come to my girls-only birthday shindig (he was currently fighting with the young woman he'd cheated on me with and dumped me for). So he posted a very insulting sexual comment. I had enough and promptly deleted, then blocked him.

 

What positives does your ex bring to your life that you wouldn't see the need to block him? I mean, if you think about it you're kind of doing what he does...keeping connections to exes. If you started dating someone else would you continue to allow your ex the ability to contact you?

 

ETA: I see where you explained why you don't block him. But how is contacting the company asking them to block a number sharing your "private business"? Couldn't you just say this is someone you don't wish to communicate with and leave it at that?

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I remember your story now. Lesson learned the hard way, but at least you'll never fall for that again. We all learn something, it just sucks that we have to experience the pain to learn sometimes lol. I've learned lots, the most recent being never ever ever ever get involved with a man who's just divorced. I feel like I was the one to get him through and now he's almost two years out and prepped for the next one, all healed. He even spent the past year single. Don't think he is now, but geez I wish I looked instead of leaping. Though I did know never to get involved with a married man, one just divorced never crossed my mind.

 

My exBF of a few years ago had been recently divorced from a 20+ year marriage and I, too, learned the hard way.

 

We dated for 2 1/2 years before he simply ghosted me. We had had a nice day, movies, dinner, errands, and then.....thin air.

 

This was early 2012. He is now married to the next girl he dated.

 

As someone in a therapy group I was in told me, I was his life raft after divorce.

 

So yeah, I'm wary of recently divorced dating.

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and he wanted to make sure I was "all right" after Kate Spade died.

 

 

Wow... do people really try this when reaching out to an ex? Use a celebrity's death as a 'reason' - Uh reaching much?

I don't know you OP but you are in a much better place now. And we've all been in your shoes - staying too long in a dead end relationship. So don't be too hard on yourself.

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Re: Blocking him.

 

Calling the company IT department about an ex-boyfriend, when there is no clear or present danger, is just not something I want to do.

 

Also, blocking only stops the actual phone from ringing, but the caller can still leave a VM.

 

The opposite of love isn't hate or anger, its apathy. He still has a pretty strong pull on you from the looks of it.

 

To even begin to move on you cant keep having these popups. Didn't he invite you to lunch not that long ago? And didnt you end up going? Whos to say that wont happen again since the lines of communication are still wide open.

 

I guess I just find it hard to believe your pride is more important than your mental health. Its not just an ex boyfriend, according to you he was a narcissist and you've preached to many, many, many, people abut how damaging these relationships are. That is more than enough reason to do everything needed to have him blocked.

 

I already know how defensive you get when people point out these inconsistencies, but the truth is, you gotta start being honest with yourself

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I don't see why you have to call IT and tell them it's an ex-boyfriend.

 

Can't you tell them that it's unwanted communication and you'd like this person to not be able to contact you?

 

I've been in somewhat of a similar situation except my ex started using language that I perceived as menacing. He demanded I respond to his communication. He knew the city I was living in (but not my address or where I worked) and his words frightened me enough that I felt I needed to let coworkers know in case he showed up. Not one of them blamed me and I received no disciplinary action as a result of this. They were very supportive.

 

Anyway, I guess maybe you are worried about getting in trouble for giving your work phone number to a boyfriend? Like I said, don't mention he's an ex, just someone you would rather not hear from. I bet they'd take care of it immediately.

 

ETA: I don't know that blocking only stops the phone from ringing. I've blocked and the person just hears a ringing phone and the option to leave a voice mail isn't even available. Other systems just have a recorded message that the person is no longer at that number and no new number is available.

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The opposite of love isn't hate or anger, its apathy. He still has a pretty strong pull on you from the looks of it.

 

To even begin to move on you cant keep having these popups. Didn't he invite you to lunch not that long ago? And didnt you end up going? Whos to say that wont happen again since the lines of communication are still wide open.

 

I guess I just find it hard to believe your pride is more important than your mental health. Its not just an ex boyfriend, according to you he was a narcissist and you've preached to many, many, many, people abut how damaging these relationships are. That is more than enough reason to do everything needed to have him blocked.

 

I already know how defensive you get when people point out these inconsistencies, but the truth is, you gotta start being honest with yourself

 

Thank you so much for your feedback!

 

The lunch was late last year, so 7 months ago, which was the last time I saw him. When he didn't offer any sort of apology or show any sort of remorse, I realized I'd never get any sort of "closure", so I decided to work on myself, via therapy (lots), some of which I'm still doing now.

 

The pull towards him is rather a lifetime of understanding, as I've since been through a lot of therapy in understanding a lot of childhood stuff. It's helped me with so much. So much of what happened in that relationship (and yes, a narcissist) has been made so clear with some things in my childhood, so that's the basis of the upset. That I was treated that way growing up. Who does that to a child?

 

I feel the same about any ex who treated me badly. About 25 years ago, I was engaged to someone who was dishonest, who broke things off suddenly. To this day, when I see him around town with his wife & kids, I get a little weirded out. 25 years later, I still carry upset at being lied to. Recently, I ran into a friend of his, who was trying to be well-meaning, who told me that he did, in fact, cheat on me, and I wasn't, in fact, crazy. I'm still upset about having been lied to, cheated on, and told I was just the "crazy, insecure girl". In talking to my therapist, it's completely normal to feel that way, but part of the process is to uncover why I've allowed these guys into my life.

 

It's all my responsibility. I'm the one who stayed, after red flags. I'm the one who continued to get upset, despite seeing all these things that I knew.

 

I'm just so upset with myself for staying. Finding him on dating sites, or the 25 year-ago ex (found a newly purchased box of open & partly depleted condoms, when we didn't use any), etc. Why did I stay with these idiots after their "oh so sorry" apologies? It's all me, I know. That's the part I'm working on.

 

I just keep repeating to myself, a line from "War Games" (great movie, BTW): "The only winning move is not to play".

 

But I'm working on it all, and I appreciate your input! :D

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