Can Deep and open flourish with closed and surface deep?

I know that i should have figured this out before I married my husband but humor me.

I'm all about deep and meaningful conversation, self evaluation and personal growth. I married a man quite the opposite. He has great difficulty sharing even the basic of his feelings and thoughts. He's only able to emotional deliver frustration anger and announce.

I guess the details don't matter. Can a person who thrives on emotional intimacy ever have a fulfilling relationship with a person who lives life on the surface of understanding.

If it helps he says you doesn't understand deeper concepts. Which I'm assuming means he can't relate to the conversation? I'm not quite sure he's not much on elaboration.

In 9 years he's made near no progress. I feel as if I'm married to a stranger.

Could he be on the autistic spectrum?

Why did you marry him?

What you're really asking is, "Can I change my husband on a fundamental level so he better suits my emotional needs?" The answer is no.

My best suggestion would be to try to meet him where he's at. If he's a decent person and husband, I think it's worth trying to take his perspective occasionally. You value yourself as an emotionally intelligent person, so you should be able to do this.

I've seriously wondered. Mental development problems run rampid throughout his family.

Autism is not a mental developmental issue. 3/4 of Autistics have no mental disfunction at all . However social communication is impaired depending on the person depending to what degree . But it has nothing to do with their mental capacity .

My son is autistic and is a man of very few words but he does communicate when he chooses to .

Why did you marry him?

 

What you're really asking is, "Can I change my husband on a fundamental level so he better suits my emotional needs?" The answer is no.

 

My best suggestion would be to try to meet him where he's at. If he's a decent person and husband, I think it's worth trying to take his perspective occasionally. You value yourself as an emotionally intelligent person, so you should be able to do this.

I married him because I have severe self worth issues. At the time I'd was willing to over look most all red flags just to belong and be wanted.

I'm asking if people think that it's is fundamental who he is or if it's a choice.

I don't think I'm highly intelligent rather more so chronically courious. I'm lonely he's not interested in discussing anything unless he begins the conversation.

I'm sorry. Please don't take my inconsiderate response to heart.

What I meant to say is l never considered autism specifically.

I just know through out his family there are different types of delays and disabilities.

I understand. I am just making a distinction because many people don’t know what autism entails. There is a lot of incorrect information about it .

Someone with autism though will have issues with reciprocity of conversation. Also idle chitchat my son sees no use in idle chitchat whatsoever . And other people with autism can be pretty verbose . But generally most want to talk about their topics of interest but have problems starting and ending conversations and having reciprocity of conversation .

"I'm lonely he's not interested in discussing anything unless he begins the conversation."

Have you told him this?

If so, did he understand what you were saying to him?

I married him because I have severe self worth issues. At the time I'd was willing to over look most all red flags just to belong and be wanted.

I'm asking if people think that it's is fundamental who he is or if it's a choice.

I don't think I'm highly intelligent rather more so chronically courious. I'm lonely he's not interested in discussing anything unless he begins the conversation.

So is it possible that it's also partly you who is not listening to him and reacting to him in a way that makes him feel comfortable in his own skin to open up to you? How is he with others? Do you take into account timing, environment, when wanting him to engage in these deep and meaningful conversations or is it mostly about you wanting to at that particular time? Have you even considered that bonding over shared laughter or your favorite flavors of a long ago and now discontinued snack cake might be far deeper than what you imagine is deep and meaningful to talk about? If you approach someone because you're lonely and needy that can feel overwhelming and overbearing to the listener. Have you tried doing physical activities with him like hiking, power walking, dance lessons and talking while walking or exploring?? I remember being at a famous museum in Europe with my now husband over 20 years ago on our first trip together- dating 3 months. And something we saw sparked my curiosity about a larger world issue which we then discussed while on escalators in the museum. I had not planned to talked about it at all. I still remember all those years later (because we disagreed I think on my premise). That's happened several times over the years.

Do you have inside jokes with him? I think if you have more of a fun, easy breezy time interacting in general that he'll also be more comfortable in his own skin to share things with you. That, plus getting active together.

I married him because I have severe self worth issues. At the time I'd was willing to over look most all red flags just to belong and be wanted.

I'm asking if people think that it's is fundamental who he is or if it's a choice.

I don't think I'm highly intelligent rather more so chronically courious. I'm lonely he's not interested in discussing anything unless he begins the conversation.

Well, it's a shame that you married someone due to low self-worth. You can't really blame your husband for that choice, however.

If you want to answer your own question, ask if your need for deep intimate conversation is a choice. Part of being in a relationship with someone is accepting bad and good. If he's generally a considerate partner who tries to fulfill your needs, try to meet him at a level you both enjoy and get your fill of emotionally stimulating conversation from friends and family instead.

I understand. I am just making a distinction because many people don’t know what autism entails. There is a lot of incorrect information about it .

 

Someone with autism though will have issues with reciprocity of conversation. Also idle chitchat my son sees no use in idle chitchat whatsoever . And other people with autism can be pretty verbose . But generally most want to talk about their topics of interest but have problems starting and ending conversations and having reciprocity of conversation .

I don't know if he struggles with these things. I want to say that he was evaluated when he younger because he had a learning delay and they found that he was fine. But who know that was a long time ago

I don't know if he struggles with these things. I want to say that he was evaluated when he younger because he had a learning delay and they found that he was fine. But who know that was a long time ago

So you expect him to want to be deep with you but you don't seem to care much about what he struggles with or what's going on with him?

I understand. I am just making a distinction because many people don’t know what autism entails. There is a lot of incorrect information about it .

 

Someone with autism though will have issues with reciprocity of conversation. Also idle chitchat my son sees no use in idle chitchat whatsoever . And other people with autism can be pretty verbose . But generally most want to talk about their topics of interest but have problems starting and ending conversations and having reciprocity of conversation .

Well, it's a shame that you married someone due to low self-worth. You can't really blame your husband for that choice, however.

 

If you want to answer your own question, ask if your need for deep intimate conversation is a choice. Part of being in a relationship with someone is accepting bad and good. If he's generally a considerate partner who tries to fulfill your needs, try to meet him at a level you both enjoy and get your fill of emotionally stimulating conversation from friends and family instead.

I don't blame him. It is a shame. I mistook his how he treated as I wasn't good enough to deserve his love I have spent countless years studying how to be a better wife, I had seen psychologist and therapist and joined a church in hopes God would mend in inadequacy. Because He is not over a good husband he's always angry and unhappy. Nothing has been enough.

I don't believe that I can choose to be content with out intimacy or connection.

I have tried.

It leaves me depleted.

What do you mean by "discussing"? Things that are necessary to the marriage or random topics? To be honest you do sound lonely/bored. What has changed recently that you suddenly feel he is 'simple minded'? Do you work? Have you considered broadening your life to include classes, lectures, seminars, groups, clubs, etc.? All your intellectual curiosity should not have to come from your spouse.

Communication is in actions as well as words. It includes tangible/practical topics as well as thoughts, feelings, opinions, etc. Also a lot of very intelligent people do not want to or need to chronically ponder the meaning of life or entertain rhetorical questions, debates and conversations. It's fine to talk and express what's on your mind, keep it real and to a reasonable amount.

I don't think I'm highly intelligent rather more so chronically courious. I'm lonely he's not interested in discussing anything unless he begins the conversation.

I think you both feel misunderstood and respond in different ways.

My exH did not like to think unless necessary. I like to take my brain out for a walk. It became a dividing line.

We too had self esteem challenges when we met. We avoided (emotional) intimacy as way to avoid being seen as our true selves and being rejected.

Similar dynamics may be going on with your relationship.

I don’t think it is a question of “ thinking” but expression. Many people think very deeply without having to express a lot of things .

Maybe. For him that would make the most sense

I understand. I am just making a distinction because many people don’t know what autism entails. There is a lot of incorrect information about it .

 

Someone with autism though will have issues with reciprocity of conversation. Also idle chitchat my son sees no use in idle chitchat whatsoever . And other people with autism can be pretty verbose . But generally most want to talk about their topics of interest but have problems starting and ending conversations and having reciprocity of conversation .

I don’t think it is a question of “ thinking” but expression. Many people think very deeply without having to express a lot of things .

I like this thought its what I would truly like to believe.

I understand. I am just making a distinction because many people don’t know what autism entails. There is a lot of incorrect information about it .

 

Someone with autism though will have issues with reciprocity of conversation. Also idle chitchat my son sees no use in idle chitchat whatsoever . And other people with autism can be pretty verbose . But generally most want to talk about their topics of interest but have problems starting and ending conversations and having reciprocity of conversation .

What do you mean by "discussing"? Things that are necessary to the marriage or random topics? To be honest you do sound lonely/bored. What has changed recently that you suddenly feel he is 'simple minded'? Do you work? Have you considered broadening your life to include classes, lectures, seminars, groups, clubs, etc.? All your intellectual curiosity should not have to come from your spouse.

 

Communication is in actions as well as words. It includes tangible/practical topics as well as thoughts, feelings, opinions, etc. Also a lot of very intelligent people do not want to or need to chronically ponder the meaning of life or entertain rhetorical questions, debates and conversations. It's fine to talk and express what's on your mind, keep it real and to a reasonable amount.

I did not suddenly decide he was simple minded. All I said regarding that is it's something I had considered at one point in time. His lack of engagement with me has been a on going issue for many years.

I'm not looking for advice on the how to manage the issue. I have jumped through hoops to do all I could in every way to fix myself and may marriage.

The only thing has changed recently is my desire and ability to gain independence. I have taken the initiative to make myself my well of worth and validation. I have been doing much to broaden my life my life lately.

Now when he treats me the way he does I don't believe that there is something wrong with me rather quite the opposite. I don't expect consent discussion about the meaning of life. Or anything like that. I'd settle for once a year at this point.

Discussion about anything and everything. Our sons progress in school. What I should make for dinner. From the most ordinary discussion to anything deeper.

Personally, I don’t think it’s realistic to expect your partner to fulfill every one of your needs. It’s a very tall order for one person. And really, sometimes opposites are good. It gives you a different perspective on things. A really deep thinker with a really deep thinker could potentially be exhausting? Everything could get analyzed to death lol! Sometimes it’s nice to be around someone who can pull you out of that.

If he has been an otherwise good partner, I would not throw away a 9 year marriage over this, personally. There actually is a phenomenon called the 7-year itch. Statistically, this is the point in a marriage where dissatisfaction takes hold and a lot of divorces happen. You really have to see it, recognize it and make efforts to reconnect and recommit. Are you sure you aren’t just feeling the effects of the 7 year itch a little late?

You are in control of your life and only you can decide what you can be happy with long term. But to answer your direct question... yes... i think people who are opposites in some ways can be happy long term if they find ways to fulfill some of those ‘other’ needs in ‘other’ ways.

I understand. I am just making a distinction because many people don’t know what autism entails. There is a lot of incorrect information about it .

 

Someone with autism though will have issues with reciprocity of conversation. Also idle chitchat my son sees no use in idle chitchat whatsoever . And other people with autism can be pretty verbose . But generally most want to talk about their topics of interest but have problems starting and ending conversations and having reciprocity of conversation .

Personally, I don’t think it’s realistic to expect your partner to fulfill every one of your needs. It’s a very tall order for one person. And really, sometimes opposites are good. It gives you a different perspective on things. A really deep thinker with a really deep thinker could potentially be exhausting? Everything could get analyzed to death lol! Sometimes it’s nice to be around someone who can pull you out of that.

 

If he has been an otherwise good partner, I would not throw away a 9 year marriage over this, personally. There actually is a phenomenon called the 7-year itch. Statistically, this is the point in a marriage where dissatisfaction takes hold and a lot of divorces happen. You really have to see it, recognize it and make efforts to reconnect and recommit. Are you sure you aren’t just feeling the effects of the 7 year itch a little late?

 

You are in control of your life and only you can decide what you can be happy with long term. But to answer your direct question... yes... i think people who are opposites in some ways can be happy long term if they find ways to fulfill some of those ‘other’ needs in ‘other’ ways.

I don't think it's the 7 year itch. I wish it was that simple. I'm not asking for everything. Just one thing. The same thing for 9 years I been asking for. I don't know him and he doesn't know me.

Why is it he never has to take accountability for how lack involvement in his marriage rather I must learn ways to accept the fact that I'm the only one involved in participating. It's maddening!

If I am truly the problem maybe it would be best if I wasn't in a relationship.

I'm still digging for answers I haven't made a choice. We are supposed to be taking a 13 week course on rebuilding marriages. I Going to to that to my fullest ability. He wanted to do do this before I hope he makes the most out of this opportunity.

I don’t think it is a question of “ thinking” but expression. Many people think very deeply without having to express a lot of things .

True.

Mine expressed a desire not to think. I get it; I was a use of his energy when he needed to recharge. The bigger issue was intimacy avoidance and codependency, on both our parts.

I am a very introspective person and like having discussions with my wife all the time.

It is one of our main forms of quality time and it is a very important aspect of our relationship.

I could not ever be with someone who communicates as you described your spouse to.

I feel like because we have such strong communication skills we overcome all of our issues. That openness is a requirement for me with a spouse.

But it is not fair to expect him to change from the man you married.

But it is also ok to inform him that it is something you now need to have in your relationship.

But if his love language doesn't include that kind of dialog in his quality time there might not be much hope.