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Thread: Should I start a serious relationship with this girl? Need honest opinions

  1. #1
    Member Sunnyy's Avatar
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    Should I start a serious relationship with this girl? Need honest opinions

    Hello forum,

    I'll break it down as simple as possible.
    - We're both 21 (I'm about 6 months older)
    - We've known each other close to 10 years.
    - We live 1100Km from each other

    Short history
    I believe our relation is beyond a mere sexual attraction as I genuinely care about this girl. Here's the reason why,
    We dated for about a month back in high school (would hardly call it a relationship), it was more of an experiment with the whole 'dating' phase of our teenage years. She admitted her love for me within that month and it really freaked me out. I was 18 at the time and I had no intention of 'falling in love' with anyone at that age. Anyway we had a pretty smooth breakup. We got into a huge argument 6 months later, stopped talking for about 2 years. We started talking again about 5 months ago like nothing ever happened.
    From what I understand, recovering from such a rough stage to the point where we put it all completely behind us isn't the most common scenario in the world. But we've done it.. hence why I think we've got a unique connection.

    Current situation
    She moved towns and is working full time while I'm still in the same town which we grew up in. We chat on Facebook everyday and video chat every other day. She tells me about her good days, her bad days and I do the same. She looks up to me and admires my morals/attributes. I look out for her and consistently give her advise in order to help her improve herself.

    The factor between us which I'm most attracted to is how open we are with one another. She will often tell me personal details about her life which normal friends would usually avoid sharing. We seem to understand each other on almost every level. She'll tell me about her good days, bad days and I do the same. I really care for her and I want what's best for her. But I also want what's best for us. She's the closest thing to a Soul Mate which I've ever come accross.

    A possible future
    I can picture us raising a family together. There are however a few factors which really make me think twice about it.
    - I'm religious while she's not (Any child of mine will a religious upbringing until a certain age where it will be up the child. She has told me that she's fine with this, but it brings a sense of uncertainty to the table.. I mean, what if she changes her mind when the kid starts to grow up? What then? We would have ruined our lives and lives of our children because we couldn't stick to our promises etc? Is it worth the risk?
    - I'm academic while she's not. (I know this sounds horrible.. I'm aware.. To be honest I don't really care about this.. but it keeps coming to my mind. Perhaps I was brought up a certain way, idk. I just thought I'd mention it to get opinions.

    What are your thoughts/experiences? Should we take the plunge into the unknown and make it official or should we find other people better suited to each other. I mean, you can't be too picky right? I doubt all successful relationships consist of partners who are 100% compatible..

  2. #2
    Platinum Member mhowe's Avatar
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    Who is going to move?
    Does she share your vision?

    I think you guys need to date in person instead of discussing hypothetical kids.
    I also think the lack of college degree bothers you a lot.

  3. #3
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    Well you've not been in a physical relationship yet - and by that I don't mean sex, but rather actual physical proximity, being together - and you've only reconnected 5 months ago. You have a lot to look forward to before you think of children. How come that's a decision factor right now?

    My boyfriend was a high-school dropout, and he now manages a very successful business and a significant amount of employees who all have excellent academics. In life, attitude and drive makes a bigger difference than academics. That's not to say you shouldn't study! Because you definitely should

    Just surprised you've mentioned things like academics, but haven't even talked about when you're going to meet? What the plan is about moving to the same city? etc...

    And when you say take the plunge into the unknown and make it official... what do you mean? Are you thinking of proposing?

  4. #4
    Member Sunnyy's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by mhowe
    Who is going to move?
    Does she share your vision?
    She's talked about moving back for quite a while and she's specifically mentioned the fact that we'll be ablt to see more of each other.
    My vision? As in the childs upbringing? I'm not sure if she "shares" it, but she's said that she ok with the prospect.


    Originally Posted by derroax
    Well you've not been in a physical relationship yet - and by that I don't mean sex, but rather actual physical proximity, being together - and you've only reconnected 5 months ago.
    We been in physical proximety for about 8 years before she moved.

    Originally Posted by derroax
    You have a lot to look forward to before you think of children. How come that's a decision factor right now?
    I'm not into dating and breaking up and dating and breaking up. I only take interest in women who I can see myself getting married to and living a happy future.

    I plan to propose eventually if things go smoothly

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member mhowe's Avatar
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    You have been in proximity? Have you ever been intimate?

  7. #6
    Member Sunnyy's Avatar
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    Yes we were intimate whilst going out. And a little after it ended as well. What does this have to do with anything?

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by Sunnyy
    She looks up to me and admires my morals/attributes. I look out for her and consistently give her advise in order to help her improve herself.
    Yuck. This is not the basis for a relationship between equals.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by jenny_mcs
    She looks up to me and admires my morals/attributes. I look out for her and consistently give her advise in order to help her improve herself.
    Yuck. This is not the basis for a relationship between equals.
    I agree. The worst thing you can do for a relationship is to assume the role of parent, mentor, teacher, therapist, social worker or any kind of 'authority' figure. That's not just toxic for her and the relationship, it'll only turn dismal for you in a very short time.

    Nobody wants to carry the burden of being a point person for someone else. That gets old quick, and if it doesn't, you've got a deeper issue.

    While religion and education are surmountable, the distance is not--at least not for people so young and financially unable to jump a plane for regular visits.

    I'd skip the whole seriousness thing--especially talk of any future together and children. Let her put her body where her mouth is and return to your town for good. Then you can pursue some actual dating and actually get to know her as a person beyond fantasy building.

    Unless she returns to you location on her own, and not due to any promises of latching up with you, then this thing has no legs. It's all fantasy and talk. Plus, you don't want her returning just to be with you, because that puts you squarely in the Responsibility role discussed above. While that may sound flattering, just wait until the first time you don't WANT TO live up to the high expectations that this would set up for you--it's a bummer.

    Pull back, be smart, date others and see if this girl ever materializes in you 'real' life.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member mhowe's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Sunnyy
    Yes we were intimate whilst going out. And a little after it ended as well. What does this have to do with anything?
    Because it sounds like this is all in YOUR head and she is not an integral part.

  11. #10
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    Enabling relationships turn sour in the end. Either the enabler grows tired of the burden or the person being enabled outgrows the dependence and moves on.

    I don't think this relationship is/was healthy.

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