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My husband is hurt and mad at me over my fake social media accounts


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A little over a year ago, my husband and I had this idea - it was mostly his idea - to create a local magazine where we encourage people in our city to go to local events like concerts and galleries and things. We wanted the focus to be on having fun and enjoying things away from your TV, and on building a local community. With that in mind, I also started noticing that when I went to local rock concerts (shows, small venues, small crowds) that most of the audience were guys and there were almost no other females there, unless they were obviously "with" the band. So I had this idea. I started a fake twitter account where I pretended to be a giddy, anonymous fan of local musicians. I posted things about how the male musicians were really "cute" and "hot" and how you could see them around town and go to their shows. One of the musicians re-tweeted my compliment of him on his own page. But then it felt creepy and weird and I started thinking, this isn't working anyway. I dropped it. But also toward the end of my interest in doing that, I posted a tweet about something close to reality. I said something about how I wanted to go to a show but that my boyfriend had an anxiety attack. I don't know why I tweeted that, I just wanted to something to seem like a real twitter account and not just praising the bands. Anyway, it trickled off, I forgot about, forgot the login and password altogether.

 

Then recently I started a different fake twitter account just to promote my husband's album. I shared links to it, liked and shared other similar musicians, just trying to get more listens online. I didn't tell my husband I was doing this. I just wanted to generate more listens.

 

He found these accounts and found out they were mine. He was hurt because he thought the second one was a different fan. He thought someone else really liked his music then he found out it was just me. He was pretty angry with me about the whole thing and basically didn't speak to me for days. He told me he didn't believe my explanation for the first account. I apologized a lot but he has barely begun speaking to me again. I wasn't sure what to do to make it up to him. I got him flowers and have just been basically nice to him.

 

What would you think?

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Why do you have to troll to "promote your husband"? How weird is that? Why not be real and start a real twitter, fb whatever to promote your interests. Stop being a catfish and abusing social media. Fake accounts and trolling is creepy and Never appreciated. You're right and so is he. It's very creepy and deceitful. Also stop micromanaging and trying push his job along for cash because you resent him going to college while you pay the bills.

Then recently I started a different fake twitter account just to promote my husband's album.He found these accounts and found out they were mine. He was pretty angry with me about the whole thing and basically didn't speak to me for days.
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Even putting aside the very understandable ding to his ego after finding something like that out, imagine the potential danger to his potential success and to his reputation should it be found out, or at the very least obvious that yours is a fake account. Only thing worse than no fans is your girlfriend / wife pulling something like that. To be quite honest, that's something I could see a mother doing for her grade school kid, like some "anonymous" donation to put them ahead during a fundraiser. It's quite infantilizing, like... almost disturbingly so. It could be that I'm almost in awe, but I'm not certain I could ever feel like my partner respected me if she'd acted that way for my supposed benefit.

 

What happened to laying off and letting him do his thing with his own music?

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because you resent him going to college while you pay the bills.

 

I don't resent him for going to college. I have (unjustifiably) found myself resented him for pursuing his own interests and being the moody high-maintenance one while I'm expected to be more stable and supportive of him emotionally and with my free time. But he pays the bills, too, because he gets paid for being in his PhD program. And I am in a Masters program so we're both going to school. He works hard, I don't suggest that I work harder than he does. My job is much easier than his PhD work, and with shorter hours. I don't resent him for any sort of imbalance in financial contributions to our household. I can say that for sure. I have never resented him for that. I've discovered that I need to stop resenting him for the focus being on him. That's my own fault for doing that and for neglecting my interests.

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At this point do you think I should just give him space and back off and over time redeem myself by changing my behaviors?

 

Yes. You are meddling like a mother would and it needs to stop . You are his wife not his mother . When he needs help he will ask for it . It is time to stop babying him . No more fake accounts and dishonesty. When you do that people can’t trust you .

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Rather than flowers, have you communicated outright to him that you acknowledge how potentially disruptive your actions could have and in fact may have been toward his success (I'd bet most mature and grown women who might go to a show would elect not to if it meant avoiding a crowd containing the tweeny "omg he's so cute" types), and that this is in no way, shape, or form how a respecting partner should behave? If your last thread is any indication, this is somewhat of a theme, so I'm not sure I'd just immediately lay back quietly without vocalizing your harm and intent to treat him with respect from hereon out. He may not instantly run to you for a hug, but that's okay. The point is that you've let him know, and now you'll demonstrate your intentions by leaving him and his work alone.

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I don't resent him for going to college. I have (unjustifiably) found myself resented him for pursuing his own interests and being the moody high-maintenance one while I'm expected to be more stable and supportive of him emotionally and with my free time. But he pays the bills, too, because he gets paid for being in his PhD program. And I am in a Masters program so we're both going to school. He works hard, I don't suggest that I work harder than he does. My job is much easier than his PhD work, and with shorter hours. I don't resent him for any sort of imbalance in financial contributions to our household. I can say that for sure. I have never resented him for that. I've discovered that I need to stop resenting him for the focus being on him. That's my own fault for doing that and for neglecting my interests.

 

If he is moody and high maintenance tell him to go talk to his mommy . You are there to be his partner not his mom . And if he needs a mom shuffle his butt on down the road to her house .

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I just hope he can forgive me. I suppose that over time I can show that I will not do stuff like this anymore.

 

I'm wondering if I should do any demonstrations that would counteract this - like trying to initiate sex with him, even if I get rejected. Or do I just back off altogether, with talking, with suggesting plans, with sex, with everything and anything?

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No you're not. Just leave him alone to brood or whatever he wants and pursue your own interests and activities. Stop thinking you're his mommy, cheerleader etc. You are doing that to control him not for him..

I'm expected to be more stable and supportive of him emotionally and with my free time.
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I just hope he can forgive me. I suppose that over time I can show that I will not do stuff like this anymore.

 

I'm wondering if I should do any demonstrations that would counteract this - like trying to initiate sex with him, even if I get rejected. Or do I just back off altogether, with talking, with suggesting plans, with sex, with everything and anything?

Live your life. You are still bending yourself into a pretzel about him don’t bother . When he’s no longer mad he will seek you out .

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Rather than flowers, have you communicated outright to him that you acknowledge how potentially disruptive your actions could have and in fact may have been toward his success, and that this is in no way, shape, or form how a respecting partner should behave? If your last thread is any indication, this is somewhat of a theme, so I'm not sure I'd just immediately lay back quietly without vocalizing your harm and intent to treat him with respect from hereon out. He may not instantly run to you for a hug, but that's okay. The point is that you've let him know, and now you'll demonstrate your intentions by leaving him and his work alone.

 

I think I tried to say these things but he was so upset, I don't know. I have not tried to push it again and again. I felt like I should just apologize and say those things and acknowlegde that what I did was wrong and disrespectful and how I would not meddle like that again. I don't know if he took it to heart.

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No you're not. Just leave him alone to brood or whatever he wants and pursue your own interests and activities. Stop thinking you're his mommy, cheerleader etc. You are doing that to control him not for him..

 

You are so right about this controlling thing. I think I'm just really mixed up about what a supportive partner is supposed to be. And I'm ashamed that I'm as old as I am and still haven't figured this out. It's a lot of shame and regret and agony going on over here.

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The problem when he is moody is that you don't accept it. If he is in a funk, then instead of trying to change it, just accept that he gets into a funk -- its your time to go for a bike ride or a jog or continue on as normal. Not "you are moody, i am going for a ride!" but let him wallow a bit on his own and don't be a fixer. People get constructive with their funk when they are allowed to be - when no one comes in and fixes it. This is not severe depression - its just a funk -- there are times when i really just need to be allowed to be in a funk and cry it out and then i feel better or i need a minute alone -- or sometimes when no one tries to make me cheer up i problem solve on my own. He is feeling sorry for himself - so let him have his own pity party and make major changes with yourself now - like is said in the last thread - be his wife, not his manager. Let him make his own mistakes and victories.

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Last Thanksgiving, I was having a hard time dealing with the loss of my pregnancy, especially because that was going to be the time when I had previously been planning to tell my family about it. At the same time, he was being really quiet and distant from me and didn't speak much to me for about a week. I didn't know what was going on, I thought he was mad at me for something. Eventually he told me the reason he was being that way, he was feeling depressed, not confident about his success in his work or art. And that sort of tore me up, that a week had gone by and I interpreted that as him having put me through this pain and worry when I was in need of some emotional support (even though I didn't ask for it, either). I guess it was hypocritcal of me to blame him for what I was also doing - withdrawing. Anyway, when he told me he'd been depressed it sort of got me doubting the strength of our relationship and whether I could rely on him in the future to be stoic and get through tough times with me. I didn't respond in a very supportive way. I just started crying. He was upset with me that, as he put it, I just crumbled and didn't provide him with support when he needed it. Since then, I think I started getting more intense with thinking I needed to be "there for him" more.

 

I mean, I'd been too involved emotionally in an unhealthy way before that, most likely. This forum and your advice to me in another thread clarified this for me. But I suppose that more recently I took it to another level.

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The problem when he is moody is that you don't accept it. If he is in a funk, then instead of trying to change it, just accept that he gets into a funk -- its your time to go for a bike ride or a jog or continue on as normal. Not "you are moody, i am going for a ride!" but let him wallow a bit on his own and don't be a fixer. People get constructive with their funk when they are allowed to be - when no one comes in and fixes it. This is not severe depression - its just a funk -- there are times when i really just need to be allowed to be in a funk and cry it out and then i feel better or i need a minute alone -- or sometimes when no one tries to make me cheer up i problem solve on my own. He is feeling sorry for himself - so let him have his own pity party and make major changes with yourself now - like is said in the last thread - be his wife, not his manager. Let him make his own mistakes and victories.

 

This is really good advice. I have to try to keep this in mind and change my patterns of reactions. I'm not confident I can change right away and absorb this idea fully yet. I'm going to keep coming back to some of the comments in these threads and re-reading them again and again until I know what I'm doing.

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Last Thanksgiving, I was having a hard time dealing with the loss of my pregnancy, especially because that was going to be the time when I had previously been planning to tell my family about it. At the same time, he was being really quiet and distant from me and didn't speak much to me for about a week. I didn't know what was going on, I thought he was mad at me for something. Eventually he told me the reason he was being that way, he was feeling depressed, not confident about his success in his work or art. And that sort of tore me up, that a week had gone by and I interpreted that as him having put me through this pain and worry when I was in need of some emotional support (even though I didn't ask for it, either). I guess it was hypocritcal of me to blame him for what I was also doing - withdrawing. Anyway, when he told me he'd been depressed it sort of got me doubting the strength of our relationship and whether I could rely on him in the future to be stoic and get through tough times with me. I didn't respond in a very supportive way. I just started crying. He was upset with me that, as he put it, I just crumbled and didn't provide him with support when he needed it. Since then, I think I started getting more intense with thinking I needed to be "there for him" more.

 

I mean, I'd been too involved emotionally in an unhealthy way before that, most likely. This forum and your advice to me in another thread clarified this for me. But I suppose that more recently I took it to another level.

Tell him you needed support too and he didn’t give it. Period. I would just walk away from his whiny high maintenance . He has to learn to put up with his own moods and take responsibility for himself . Support is one thing expecting a mommy is something else.

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