Mixed signals and how....

I have been seeing someone for nearly 18 months. We see each other once or twice a week. He's divorced and has his kids with him for half the week. He says his kids and friends know about me but I've never met them. He's accepted a invitation to my daughter's wedding in August, and when we are together everything seem fine but recently he hasn't been as communicative on Whatsapp as usual despite the fact I can see he's been on-line. His dating profile is also still on-line (I removed mine). I've been cheated on before so I will freely admit to being a bit paranoid about this and I also suffer from depression. He recently went to Canada to work and brought me back a cute bottle of maple syrup. He doesn't strike me as a dishonest person but his behaviour is worrying me. I know he needs space and I wouldn't want to be joined at the hip but I can't fathom out these mixed signals and am getting fed up of myself for fixating on this so much. Any advice?

You say you’re seeing him, but have you guys committed to each other? Is this an exclusive relationship?

well I had assumed it was but now I'm not sure. He asked me very early on whether I would ever consider getting married again. I made it clear to him that I was not looking for a friend with benefits situation and we waited for several months before becoming sexually intimate. He has talked about the future using "we". I know that I need to talk to him but if he's having doubts at the moment the last thing he needs is me pressurising him because of my insecurities.

I'm confused after a year and a half how you don't know if you're exclusive or not? You've never met his kids, he still has his dating profile active.... It doesn't sound like he's on the same page as you are.I don't feel like talking to him about this should make you feel like you're pressuring him. These aren't minor insecurities, they're facts and you deserve to know where you stand in the relationship. But if I were to guess after the little you have said, I'm pretty sure he does not think of you as his girlfriend or someone exclusive.

I am becoming convinced you are right. Do I just message him straight out and ask?

It would be better to have the conversation in person so you can gauge body language and immediate reactions. If that isn't possible, at least call him so tone of voice plays in. Text is too impersonal for a serious relationship talk, and if he's trying to mess you about, gives him too much time to calculate a response. You should be exclusive after a year and a half. Do not accept a vague response to the question. Obviously, if he outright avoids the conversation he is a BSer and you should lose him.

When we spend time together everything seems fine. We talk, he's affectionate (and I don't mean sex). He always kisses me goodbye. He holds my hand in public. He clearly likes his own space and is well used to it. He worked abroad for a year which I think was the death knell to his marriage. Should I be more concerned with the quality of time I have with him rather than the quantity. I am well aware that when my depression kicks in I can become very needy and pessimistic

It doesn't matter if he's online and you notice, he can be online doing things and doesn't have to message you. However being on dating sites should be a deal breaker for you. Asking you routine questions, pronouns and maple syrup does not indicate exclusivity or a future.

His dating profile is also still on-line.

It doesn't matter if he's online and you notice, he can be online doing things and doesn't have to message you. However being on dating sites should be a deal breaker for you. Asking you routine questions, pronouns and maple syrup does not indicate exclusivity or a future.

Agreed. I think you are trying to justify his actions with the quality comment. It’s nice you have a good time together if that’s all you’re looking for, a nice time here and there. But it sounds like you want to be in a relationship and that’s not what this is

I suppose you have no choice but to either accept the status quo and realize after 1.5 years, he’s not looking to progress the RL, or if you can’t, then walk away.

Re meeting his kids, when a man cares and wishes to progress the RL, he creates the opportunity for that to happen (meet his kids, friends, family, etc.)

He will also wish to start spending more time with you, more than once or twice a week, which is fine for early stages, but a year and a half?

That may be fine for some couples, and if so, good for them, but I sense you’re wanting more at this point (which is understandable).

You can try talking to him, telling him what you need, but I would think if he wanted what you wanted, it would be happening, after a year and a half of dating.

Re the dating profile, if he considered your RL exclusive, it would be down, active or not.

Sounds like he prefers keeping you at a certain distance, so again you either accept that or walk away.

I know that I need to talk to him but if he's having doubts at the moment the last thing he needs is me pressurising him because of my insecurities.

After a year and half and being intimate with someone and wanting to know where you stand does not make you insecure.

And you are clearly not pressuring or asking him for anything. . other than information regarding where he stands with this relationship. You are entitled to ask seeing he hasn't made himself clear and in doing so you can make an informed decision on your own self care.

Being afraid to ask is what's insecure.

Taking charge of your personal life is empowering.

After a year and half and being intimate with someone and wanting to know where you stand does not make you insecure.

 

And you are clearly not pressuring or asking him for anything. . other than information regarding where he stands with this relationship. You are entitled to ask seeing he hasn't made himself clear and in doing so you can make an informed decision on your own self care.

 

Being afraid to ask is what's insecure.

Taking charge of your personal life is empowering.

This^ is good advice, as per usual.

yes he is definitely divorced. And i agree with your reasons for not meeting the children. he said initially said he wasn't for bringing them into it for quite some time and I agreed with that. He has told me that they know about me and so do his friends. They are both teenagers. i know I need to sort this out but i am not in the best state of mind to do it right now

I agree with SG that not everyone likes to be rushed, but after 1.5 years, I would think at least some level of progression would be happening.

From what you've written so far, it sounds like your RL is in the "stuck" position - not moving backwards, but not moving forwards either.

I am not one for pushing, but after 1.5 years, perhaps a slight push is warranted? Not aggressively but how about letting him know you would like to spend a bit more time together (more than once or twice a week), and gauge his response.

Re the profile, agree to not accuse but don't disregard either.

Again, I really like reinvent's advice -- have an open and honest discussion with him about where you stand, where he envisions your RL going, let him know where you would like it to go, and pay careful attention to his responses. After 1.5 years, it's time.

I know these types of conversations can be difficult; I did it myself a few weeks back with my bf, and was totally stressing about it!

Nothing heavy, but after 2.5 months, I was ready to be full exclusive and told him. He told me he had already considered us exclusive, but it was so nice to finally have that out in the open, since we had never discussed it.

Good luck!

I was totally relaxed and happy with the situation until about five weeks ago when my depression kicked in big time and necessitated me going back on the medication. When I'm down I do over analyse everything and I know I can imagine slights when they are not there. I get stuck in a negative mind set.

In response to Sweetgirl : we live about a mile apart. We are both busy. I am heavily involved in hockey in the early part of the week and he has his kids in the latter part so there really are only a two nights a week when we can see each other. I really enjoy his company and he seems to enjoy mine. His kids are 14 and 13 and he has a really close relationship with them - he's a fantastic dad to them. Two of my kids are adults and the youngest is 16 tomorrow. He has met Ffion twice - once when he agreed to collect us from a hockey presentation.

I suppose you have no choice but to either accept the status quo and realize after 1.5 years, he’s not looking to progress the RL, or if you can’t, then walk away.

 

Re meeting his kids, when a man cares and wishes to progress the RL, he creates the opportunity for that to happen (meet his kids, friends, family, etc.)

 

He will also wish to start spending more time with you, more than once or twice a week, which is fine for early stages, but a year and a half?

 

That may be fine for some couples, and if so, good for them, but I sense you’re wanting more at this point (which is understandable).

 

You can try talking to him, telling him what you need, but I would think if he wanted what you wanted, it would be happening, after a year and a half of dating.

 

Re the dating profile, if he considered your RL exclusive, it would be down, active or not.

 

Sounds like he prefers keeping you at a certain distance, so again you either accept that or walk away.

I agree. I understand why you haven't met the kids yet, but I would be concerned about the friends at this point. I'm surprised that you haven't met any of his friends. Makes me wonder if 1) he's actually divorced, and 2) if he's just keeping you as his "good for now girlfriend." The active online dating profile is upsetting to me too. :/ That's not really a great sign, unless he forgot all about it and hasn't logged on in a year.

It's time to have the conversation, face-to-face. Do not do it over a message.

There's a big difference between being insecure, and being so afraid to hear an answer you don't like that you avoid asking the important questions. It's odd that after 1.5 years you cannot definitively say whether you two are exclusive or not. Not meeting his kids, I can understand. But not having met any friends and not even knowing if he considers you his girlfriend would be too much for me at this point.

Have that talk. Be prepared to walk if you discover you're not on the same page.

He messaged me early this morning saying he was struggling a bit with juggling everything. I've replied that I know that feeling all too well and I'll be around if he needs someone to talk to. I've not mentioned seeing him or meeting up. Been out and about with friends today.

He messaged me early this morning saying he was struggling a bit with juggling everything. I've replied that I know that feeling all too well and I'll be around if he needs someone to talk to. I've not mentioned seeing him or meeting up. Been out and about with friends today.

Good for you.

Head high.

If everything is good in person, i wouldn't worry about Whatsapp. No need to be in constant communication. See how the wedding goes. When you met, neither of you mentioned looking for a relationship that leads to marriage, right? Neither of you are in a hurry? I think for an 18 month relationship where he has kids and has them half the week, etc, i think seeing you twice a week is fine. The fact that he makes that much time for you despite juggling what he juggles - he definitely has an interest. I think if you struggle with depression - are you receiving counseling, etc, and are you managing it?

He asked me very early on if I would ever think of getting married again and I said that I wouldn't rule it out but also didn't feel it was completely necessary in order to be committed to someone. He said he wasn't looking to live with anyone until his kids are older. My depression is long standing and cyclical - my GP said I suffer from dysthymia (a mild form of bi-polar where I don't get manic episodes but do suffer from the lows) The psychiatrist said because I didn't get manic episodes I didn't need mood stabilisers - just continual anti-depressants. I don't like being on permanent anti-depressants so I tend to come of them when I feel well and can usually pick up the signs of an impending crash. This time I didn't see it coming.