boyfriend loves me but isn't happy with me?

Hey everyone,

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over two years, long distance for the most part, but we love eachother very much. Two weeks ago, we got into a fight on the phone, it wasn't a good fight. We were good and getting better at fighting in a constructive way, but we've had some pretty bad fights lately. Often started by things like insecurity from my part, and not being able to communicate properly. We were both exhausted and drained after the fight. We talked the next day, but my boyfriend told me he wants time to think and calm down, because he feels like he's losing trust in our relationship even though he really doesn't want us to break up. He needed time and space.

So we didn't communicate for about two weeks, I focused on my own issues and mental and physical health.

We talked yesterday, we had a good conversation and it seemed like we were both willing to work on this relationship, and not give up. But there's one thing that stuck in my head, that made me ask to talk again tomorrow because I'm confused and didn't want to get overly emotional while discussing these things on the phone.

I asked him if he ever missed me in the two weeks of no contact, and his answer was no. I know he's being honest, he knew that that would hurt me but he told me he didn't want to lie about it. He says he was too busy and drained from the fight. I then asked if he's happy with me. His answer was that he's happy at the base, but we had so many fights lately that he's hasn't really been enjoying the relationship for the last few months.

He tells me that he loves me and wants to stay together and close the distance which means leaving his family and current job, so I know he's serious about it. But I just don't get how he can love me and want to be with me for the rest of his life, but go two weeks with no contact wihtout missing me, and feeling not really happy for months in this relationship.

I love him and I really don't want to break up, but I'm confused...

How much longer are you going to be an ldr? When will you live in the same city?

The two weeks saying he didn't miss you means he might still be upset over what you were fighting about.

I understand why you're taking it so personally. What purpose does it serve? Do you want to be with him or not? Do you want to move past it or dwell on it possibly making it worse for yourself rationalizing it?

I asked him if he ever missed me in the two weeks of no contact, and his answer was no. I know he's being honest, he knew that that would hurt me but he told me he didn't want to lie about it. He says he was too busy and drained from the fight. I then asked if he's happy with me. His answer was that he's happy at the base, but we had so many fights lately that he's hasn't really been enjoying the relationship for the last few months.

I went through exactly the same scenario with my most recent ex. We were long-distance, but didn't start that way (1 1/2 years close and 6 months two plane rides apart). He also didn't miss me when we were apart, and it really bothered me because I missed him a lot (and we were apart for long periods of time - a month or more at points). He just wasn't as committed to the relationship as I was, and didn't see the future we had planned together actually coming to fruition. Eventually, it lead to a difficult break-up. LDRs are really hard and the connection between the two people involved has to be strong and stay strong. I'm not trying to upset you, but it sounds to me like he is having doubts about the relationship. Do your best to continue putting space in the relationship if you want to salvage it, but ultimately remember that you cannot control the way he feels about you.

I mean quite honestly I've gone on vacations without my significant other (most of the time it was me going back to my country of origin to visit family), and I can't say I've missed him per se. I was happy when I saw him again, but can't say I actively missed him every day.

Your situation is different, but to me not missing someone for a bit, while other things are going on, isn't necessarily a sign of not loving that person. Why even ask that question? What really does it change? Fact is, he wants to stay with you and work on the relationship. You could be appreciative of the fact that he told you honestly, and if you don't want to ruin your chances of honest communication going forward, you shouldn't make him regret he ever told you truthfully by blowing it out of proportion.

What are all the fights about, OP?

We'll be in a ldr for another two years, possibly longer because he needs a visa to live in my city.

You're right, it doesn't really serve a purpose to be upset about it, when we both want to be together. It was just very difficult hearing those words.

SGH, thanks for the reply. I should've clarified, he misses me a lot when we're not fighting and long distance. I think that's what hurt me the most: Him suddenly not missing me for two weeks when he normally misses me everyday... I take it as hesitating too. But he says he has no doubts about out future together. I know that he's not purposely lying, but I'm also a bit afraid if he's not being honest with himself.

Becxy Rex, thanks for the advise. You're right, I'm trying to just trust his words that he does really want to be in this relationship.

Also, I maybe should've clarified: When we're not fighting, he definitely can't go a week without missing me. It's the fight that led to him doubting his happiness in the relationship and as a result (?) not missing me.

Most of our fights are: me being insecure, him taking my insecurities personally,which I understand of course. Our last fight started about me being very insecure and sad about not being able to see eachother that often in the near future. We try to see eachother every few months, but we live on opposite sides of the world. So we have to cut down on the frequency of our visits.

I can get really depressed and emotional when I'm sad, and he gets upset because he understands that I'm sad and he's sad too, but he works so hard to prepare the move, and I put too much of my own emotional weight on him. And then the fight escalated quickly.

Can you be more specific? What are you feeling insecure about?

Most of our fights are: me being insecure, him taking my insecurities personally,.

Your insecurity is the main thing that is causing all of these issues and it is your insecurity that is causing you to worry about why he did not miss you. I have to be honest and say that it will be you insecurity that will cause this relationship to end.

Being insecure and in a LDR is like mixing petrol with a lighter. No wonder the arguments keep getting fired up.

If he is doing the work to be able to move closer to you, you need to do something about your mental health. It is not his job to life your insecurities and sadness over you being apart. And if I had an LDR that always was sad and complained about the distance all the time, I would start not missing her either.

You need to do a lot of soul searching. Can you maintain your composure for the foreseeable future? Because by the sounds of it, you aren't moving closer any time soon. Should you even be in a relationship if you cannot see a time when you will be together?

Hi MissCanuck. I think that's the problem: I don't really know exactly. I think I'm afraid of missing him so much when I can't see him for months and months. I'm afraid the missing and hurting will become (is becoming) almost as big as loving him and being happy to be with him, even if it's long distance for now.

Your insecurity is the main thing that is causing all of these issues and it is your insecurity that is causing you to worry about why he did not miss you. I have to be honest and say that it will be you insecurity that will cause this relationship to end.

 

Being insecure and in a LDR is like mixing petrol with a lighter. No wonder the arguments keep getting fired up.

 

If he is doing the work to be able to move closer to you, you need to do something about your mental health. It is not his job to life your insecurities and sadness over you being apart. And if I had an LDR that always was sad and complained about the distance all the time, I would start not missing her either.

 

You need to do a lot of soul searching. Can you maintain your composure for the foreseeable future? Because by the sounds of it, you aren't moving closer any time soon. Should you even be in a relationship if you cannot see a time when you will be together?

You're right that I have my insecurity issues. I never saw myself as an 'insecure girlfriend' because I don't worry about things like cheating and I trust my partner, but I realize that I do have unhealthy insecurities about my own happiness. And I think I'm insecure about him leaving his family and family business. He says he wants to leave the business and get a job that he loves close to me, but I'm scared that he won't be happy being a part of this family business.

The plan is that he moves (get a work visa) in two years, after a big event for the family business. We lived together in the past, and I didn't have insecurity issues when he was't on the opposite side of the world.

I'm trying to get myself together and appreciate his honesty and just focus on the good things, but it's hard..

I think he is unfortunately re-evaluating the viability of this relationship.

A move won't be possible for another two years. You are frequently unhappy and insecure. You don't see each other very much. This isn't a recipe for a successful outcome, unless something drastically changes.

You need to take time to think about whether this is really working for you anymore, either.

Sorry to hear this. How often do you see each other in person? How did you meet if he needs a visa to be with you? What is a "good fight"? Nobody "misses" fighting, any kind of fighting. Between all the fighting and the long distance, it sounds like he's reconsidering the hassle of it all and it's tipped over to the bad outweighs the good. Unfortunately it sounds like he's checking out of the relationship. Good relationships don't need breaks and don't consist of chronic arguments and huge hurdles to be together.

he misses me a lot when we're not fighting and long distance.

I'm chiming in late, but I've just got a lot of alarm bells going off in my head over your posts. Like Wiseman2 said, "Good relationships don't need breaks and don't consist of chronic arguments and huge hurdles to be together." It's really true.

You've said things like: "we've had some pretty bad fights lately." And instead of addressing exactly what your fights are about, you said they're "often started by things like insecurity from my part, and not being able to communicate properly." I hear those phrases used in cases of emotional abuse. When people say they're not able to communicate properly, it really means that anything they say will set their partner off. So the code words of "communicate properly" mean not talking about things that will make your partner angry. Likewise when someone blames the fights on "insecurity from my part," that usually means they've said something like they think their partner is cheating or they doesn't love them anymore, which more often than not is true, but saying this sets off another knock-down drag-out fight.

You've noted that the fights have left you both "exhausted and drained." Whoa! That is extremely serious. What were you fighting about? And is this simply your partner trying to convince you that you're at fault when actually he's at fault, which is another sign of emotional abuse.

And then you say he needs a visa before he can be with you. What country is he from? He's outside the EU? Are we talking about someone who is trying to look for a way to emigrate and you're the easiest way to do this? I'm suspicious.

And then the whole thing about waiting another two years before you can be together. You shouldn't have to wait that long. You should be out dating now, being romanced by someone real and who lives near you. Why are you putting yourself through this? Do you really think he's not going out with girls?

You need to end this relationship. You're clinging onto a relationship that ended a year-and-a-half ago and you won't admit that it is over. Find someone who wants you and who will love you and who is here for you.

DanZee, thank you for the reply. I have my doubts about this relationship, so does my boyfriend obviously, and we're going to have a good talk.

But please don't jump to conclusions about him, I know it comes from a good place of concern, but it does hurt, especially when it becomes something about my boyfriend instead of about the relationship.

He never told me something is entirely my fault, he knows that it takes two to fight and never blamed one person. I initiated the last fight because I was sad that I just heard that his move to the EU will be postponed. He does come from outside the EU, from a economically 'better/stronger' country and higher education, he studied in Europe before and his field has a lot of possibilities in Europe. We discussed that we don't want to get married for a visa, we only wanted to get married when we both have stable lives and jobs in the same country. The reason he postponed his move is for the family business and illness in his family that needs to be treated, and thus high medical bills. We discussed me moving to his country, but I can't give up my dream job that I now have.

I don't know if we're compatible and I don't know if even if we are, if this long distance thing can work for another two years. And I know I can't expect to be fully understood on an online forum, and I should've clarified stuff, but... yeah. It all hurts.