Ex girlfriend wants me to hang out with her & current partner...

This girl and I go way back. We've known each other for over 10 years. We dated once about 5 years ago and were very intimate. We both had feelings for one another after the breakup. She has since been in 2 relationships and I remained single. She has been with her current partner for 2 years now.

The story continues...

She seems quite happy in her current relationship and that's great. I'm happy that she's happy and I do my best to stay out of their way - Homewrecking is not in my blood. I think I still have feelings for her... naturally enough I guess... She was my first and I continue to care about her to this day. Like I mentioned, she's happy with her partner and she considers me a friend and it's somewhat inevitable for these two worlds to collide and some point or another. This is where it gets tricky for me.

My problem

She has now, on a number of occasions, talked about me visiting her town (approx 600 Miles away) to see her and even mentioned staying at her place with her partner. HOLD UP. That's my first reaction to that idea. Warning alarms have rung and I'm left confused as hell. Under no circumstance would I ever want to stay with the girl I have deep seeded feelings for and her partner. That would destroy me.

Now, I'm not sure if I'm being paranoid or incredibly naive to the situation. I haven't been in a great of deal of relationships in the past and don't have experience with how these situations can play out. My main question is, "What is she thinking, asking me to stay with her partner". Surely she knows how awkward and uncomfortable that would be for me. I've made it clear in the past that I have no intention of meeting her partner anytime soon due to my deep seeded feelings for her. Is she trying to help me 'get over' my feelings and fully embrace her partner or could there be something more sinister in the works here? This is all very odd for me.

I need help figuring out where her mind is at. What do you think her intentions are here? Thank you for your input.

All the best,

Sunnyy

Who knows and who cares, you have feelings for her and she is involved with someone else. You will never be happy if you keep indulging in this “friendship” if you still care for her. Let yourself heal and leave her in the past so you can actually have the ability to care for someone that is available for you to love. You may deny it but it sounds like there is still hope she will want to get back with you. Don’t entertain that idea, she has a significant other, let her live her life and get on with yours. There’s no need to keep in contact with her, it’s unhealthy.

You should have cut all contact if there are feelings. She sees you as a friend. That's it!

Cut the contact with her. Permanently.

I don't know what's going through her head when you've already made it clear you don't want to meet her partner and that you still have feelings for her. If she is truly your friend, she would understand that visiting them and staying with them isn't a good idea.

I don't think there's anything "sinister" going on here, so to speak. I think she simply sees you as a friend and wants both you and her partner to be comfortable with your friendship, and has some odd boundaries.

My best advice would be to take your space from this friendship. You need it in order to let go of her.

Awesome answers!

She is one of the few close friends I have and letting go of her would be incredibly difficult. From what you have all said, I need to either truly 100% 'get over' her (a mindset which comes with time) or to cut her out of my life. I can't be her friend because she expects me to accept her partner. If we're to be friends and since I can't force myself to get over her, my only option is to space myself from her.

If she is truly your friend, she would understand that visiting them and staying with them isn't a good idea.

There's no chance that she's unaware of the position her expectation puts me in. She must know that it would make me uncomfortable. You're suggesting that she's attempting exposure therapy tactics. Y'all are leaning toward her wanting my friendship, so let's go with that for now.

You may deny it but it sounds like there is still hope she will want to get back with you.

This is an extremely interesting point you raise. I do have feelings for her and I would welcome the opportunity to have a serious relationship. But I don't think I can tell her this because it may potentially jeopardize her relationship. Should I tell her? Is it wrong to express your feelings? What if our relationship turns out to be successful? I would have missed that opportunity because I chose not to say anything... She can always reject my proposition anyway... I've never really considered the thought of telling her. What do you think?

A mindset that comes with time?? It's been 5 years and you're not over it. You probably should cut contact at the very least temporarily.

Also go ahead and tell her but it won't jeopardize her relationship it will ruin your friendship. It's happened to me and I definitely chose my partner over that friend.

Sunny - from what you told us here (and Im sure there is much more), to me it seems like she truly sees you only as a friend. If she had romantic intentions toward you she would never invite you to stay with her and her partner. Just put yourself in that situation - would you bring a girl you like to your and your partner's house?

Exactly.

So depending on how you want to proceed with your life from now on you really have two options:

1. Tell her again honestly how you feel and what you want and if she doesn't feel the same you need to let her go. Which means end contact and go get yourself out there!

2. Let her go, let go off the feelings. Come to peace that she sees you as a friend only and be her friend. Which will again need some time since you have feelings for her, so work on letting go of those feelings first.

I agree with the last two posters. She wouldn’t be inviting you to their home together if she thought of you more than a friend.

I could be wrong, but my guess is you're looking for hidden messages in her words, which is equal to being in denial, (imo).

At any rate and I'm sure it's difficult to accept, but if she wanted to be with you, she would. Also, using friendship as a guise of staying in touch can be a recipe for disaster, while having the potential of backfiring. Keep in mind that having respect for yourself can do wonders for your self-esteem.

It seems like an innocent invitation and of course you would stay with them. However if it makes you uncomfortable because of the feelings, don't go. Perhaps she wants to make it clear to both you and her partner that you are just friends?

She has now, on a number of occasions, talked about me visiting her town (approx 600 Miles away) to see her and even mentioned staying at her place with her partner. HOLD UP.

I think this would be weird for the new boyfriend

i don't think you should go, because you are not over her.

Does the new boyfriend know that you are more than "just a friend" - that you are a former lover - before the invite was made?

I don't think you should go, because you are still not over her. If you were in her city for other reasons and met them for lunch - that would be different and it might help you move on seeing her with someone new --- but i don't think you should make a special trip.

I think you need to end the friendship as its preventing you from moving on.

You don't have to make a big declaration. If you are still holiday card exchange friends, fine, but i think you should fill your life with other people and do the slow fade - start to be busy with other people, don't call so much, slowly fade out.....

*** Doosha

I do actually just want to be friends with this girl. We have a lot in common, both in interests and attidude. If I could chose to magically forget my feeings for her, I would at an instance because I value her friendship so much. I can't help these feelings though... They rush in everytime we communicate.

I don't think I can manage telling her my feelings again which leaves me to simply distance myself from her... Although I've partially been trying to do this for the past 5 or so years.

5 years wasn't long enough to hault my feelings so I doubt 6 or 7 years will be enough. But I can't let go because it's impossibly cruel on our friendship.

*** HeartGoesOn

You're not wrong. I certainly do look into the things she says in detail, partially because she can be quite suggestive at times, even going as far as explicidly remembering our past intamacy. I understand one could get carried away by 'looking for hidden messages' so I do try to keep it to a minimum. What do you mean by your self respect comment? Am I displaying a lack of self respect?

*** Wiseman2

That could be her intention. It's nice to think she values me that much...

*** Abitbroken

I love your comment, in structure, clarity and content. I'm quite certain she has told him about me. Many people here are talking about 'ending the friendship' and I don't understand how people can think it's that easy and possible? I wouldn't be able to sleep at night if I ended the friendship.....

*** Abitbroken

I love your comment, in structure, clarity and content. I'm quite certain she has told him about me. Many people here are talking about 'ending the friendship' and I don't understand how people can think it's that easy and possible? I wouldn't be able to sleep at night if I ended the friendship.....

But you are not a friend to her -- you are a former lover that still carries a torch. I think that you should fade out of her life - no big announcement -- just let other friends fill the role of good friends, decline invites, don't be so quick to answer calls or texsts OR

OR you should tell her "i am not going to call you for awhile. I know that you consider me a friend, but i cannot be your friend as long as I still have feelings for you. So please respect my wishes and don't call me. If i feel differently in time, i will let you know".

you say you cannot sleep at night if you are no longer friends, but BEING friends also haunts you because you are still in love

You say you cannot sleep at night if you are no longer friends, but BEING friends also haunts you because you are still in love

It's an little loop I've been stuck in for the past few years. It hurts to be her friend. It also hurts to let her go.

I've spent 7 years trying to forget my feelings for her and I've exhausted all options. I think I'll distance myself from the friendship to slowly fade out of her life. That is so incredibly sad to say, but it seems to be the only way to stop feeling for her. Maybe I could talk to her about the decision before acting on it... It might be difficult for her to hear, but I feel it's less cruel than randomly reducing contact which could cause headache and questions for her.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me. You've helped me to organize my thoughts :)

It's an little loop I've been stuck in for the past few years. It hurts to be her friend. It also hurts to let her go.

 

I've spent 7 years trying to forget my feelings for her and I've exhausted all options. I think I'll distance myself from the friendship to slowly fade out of her life. That is so incredibly sad to say, but it seems to be the only way to stop feeling for her. Maybe I could talk to her about the decision before acting on it... It might be difficult for her to hear, but I feel it's less cruel than randomly reducing contact which could cause headache and questions for her.

 

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me. You've helped me to organize my thoughts :)

I don't think you should tell her you are distancing yourself and then slowly fade. you should slowly fade for your own good OR you should tell her that you can't be friends and why and just completely fall out of her life because if you make a declaration and then slowly fade it sounds like you are doing the "okay...i am going now...i am really going this time...see me go? Okay?" and you are keeping a toe in in case she wants you back. It only prolongs the problem for you -- a clean break sounds right and then if someday 10 years from now you run into eachother on the street and there are no feelings -- well, maybe you can be casual friends.

Why don't you try it starting now - be busy with other friends and such so as to not make her a priority. I think that you not being at beck and call will not cause her "headaches and questions" like you think it would for her -- she is involved in her own life with her new dude and you are not front and center anymore - and rightfully so. your imaginings if you don't talk as much are all on your end.

I think, though, declining the invitation would be the perfect opportunity to say something if you are going to say it, because it will be an explanation on why you must decline the invitation.

Otherwise you may not be able to get into a new relationship. It will hurt for awhile - but its hurting you more to be like this

It sucks to rip off the band-aid. It's very painful.

It sucks worse to slowly peel it off over 5 years. It's even more painful.

It sucks even worse to peel slowly, then reapply, then peel again over 5 years because you're not committed to ripping it off. The total pain is highest with this choice.

Rip off the band-aid, never look back. Once you've decided this option, we can help you further.

It sucks to rip off the band-aid. It's very painful.

 

It sucks worse to slowly peel it off over 5 years. It's even more painful.

 

It sucks even worse to peel slowly, then reapply, then peel again over 5 years because you're not committed to ripping it off. The total pain is highest with this choice.

 

Rip off the band-aid, never look back. Once you've decided this option, we can help you further.

VERY good advice. you are not unkind to be doing this!

We have not spoken in 2 weeks and I think it's because I'm pissed off at myself for not being able to get over her. I've discovered a newly found desire to cease communication. What's going on in my head is, "If you can't get over her, then you can't talk to her. You're move". It feels good to have this certainty and direction.

Thank you again to all contributors. You really did help me.