So close to breaking up

(Long post but please read I need honest advice). I met my girlfriend in October and started to be official in November. Now in June I am rethinking this relationship. She works fulltime is 23, and I am 24 in graduate school and also working full time. I will review fights from each month and the outcome. She had no friends coming down here but quickly made friends with coworkers.

January: First fight, she had a separate instagram account which was full of perverted stuff like art from her trip in Europe prior to dating me. She claimed it was a form of expression. I told her this was immature and silly. I noticed she also had a picture of her and a guy she hooked up with in Europe, I was upset. I was upset because she did not make it official with me on Facebook at this time, so I said so what you have a picture of you and this guy on your fake instagram who is a nobody yet you can't even post a picture of us on social media or put that we're in a relationship. I got flak because she explained to me prior that shes private with stuff on social media which is why she doesn't post anything, according to her I didn't listen to that statement before. I realized I was being ridiculous and insecure and retracted my concerns.

Next up in January she visits my parents house with me. Went well although she realized she does not like my mother because she referred to her as Jordan's girlfriend instead of by her name, my mother also said "oh you'll have to workout Jordan and your gf will just have to be okay with that", and my girlfriend got the idea that my mom thinks she was controlling me (in reality I didn't do a good job of setting boundaries and alone time with my gf, for example I would give up working out or homework to hangout with my gf, my mom addressed that kinda, and my gf took that as my mom thinking she is controlling). To this day my girlfriend hates my mother for these reasons and thinks she wasn't treated well and she never wants to see my mother again. She also compared how her exes mother's treated her so well, and how well her own mother treated me, and states that my mother did not treat her according to her "life experiences" it seems.

First red flag in January, on this same trip, she thought we had discussed me paying a toll on the way back, I did not pay and missed a toll, causing my girlfriend to have to find time to pay a toll when she was already having a stressful week. She got a flat tire on the way to work then which she claimed was my fault for driving her car fast in a pothole on the way home too, when she got a flat tire 24 hours later (It may or may not have been my fault). She said something along the lines of "I have all this stuff to do and you caused me to get a flat tire" (putting fault on me for her extra added stress). She was very upset. Later this month she said that she was so upset cause she already had a stressful week and me not listening/ causing her more stress was not helping. I apologized and explained it was a mistake, and mistakes happen, so you think she took that as a valid reason? No.

This leads to my next issue: she does not bring issues up when they occur and instead waits until she is emotionally upset at something else and brings it up. With the same tire situation, she said that it took me three time to listen to her with not being rough in bed. Sometimes I admit I am impulsive and don't think she didn't see that as valid. Anyways she brought this up in tears. Then she went on to be upset about what happened at my house, basically I kept trying to make out with her in my bedroom but she was saying no, but it was in a playful manner, so I took it as playful. She was very upset that I didn't listen. I said okay and chalked it up as a learning experience to be empathetic (I have not repeated this mistake for 6 months).

February: shoes on the bed, it took her 4 months to realize I would have shoes on her bed in the morning, she is a germaphobe and has to clean her sheets everytime I do this. I did it three times before she got upset yelling (I think). Then I stopped and learned my lesson. One morning she claimed why would you put you're shoes on my bed when you know I am having friends over later and have to focus on getting things ready for them, now (at 4:30 am) I have to wash my sheets because of you. I told her I am sorry. She put her stress on me when I made a mistake.

March: I will give a background on bedroom experiences, she claimed to be a virgin when meeting me, I said okay awesome a girl who has morals and hasn't done things, I am cool with that. We waited 6 months to have full intercourse I was patient. It turned out she had symptoms of vaginismus (tightening up to the point of pain). and did not get to a doctor until January when we did more stuff and she noticed. I think that she knew about this before which is why she was taking it so slow. A lot of the time we would try, she would have tightening and she would be in tears with frustration, I was very empathetic.

March first fight: I tag her in a very perverted facebook meme (I deleted it in 2 minutes). Shes very upset yelling and almost spitting in my face (not on purpose). Claims that it sets her up for shaming, hurting job opportunities. I learned my lesson fast. I felt bad for this.

Second time she visits my house with me to go to Epcot, and she still didn't like my mother. Well my mom tells her about my married sister's relationship and how my mother feels it is wrong that my step brother was texting while my sister was in a medical appointment. My girlfriend chalks it as my mother is nosy and she needs to stay out of a married relationship. Also the second day we we're at my house my girlfriend says she is tired and sleeps most of the second day. Later she reveals she was not sleeping and was avoiding my mother because she didn't like her. (To this day my girlfriend hates my mother and has called her a multiple times, when she has met her twice in her life). I try to refute my girlfriend's concerns as a misunderstanding, she think she has enough evidence that my mother does not like her, and my girlfriend not even want to try to fix the relationship with her and my mother.

Next March fight: (Worst fight of the whole relationship). We begin to have intercourse but before this, she asks Jordan you've had sex with an ex and other people before me, have you been tested, I said no, because I had no symptoms. She is upset because I am putting her at risk for potential STD's. She said she was tested for a few things in January when she had her checkup for her tightening symptoms and says she was clean. In my mind I was like wait you've never had sex why are you getting tested, and she said because it was part of the medical exam (I get flak for stating this too). I get tested right away, and in my mind I'm like okay so I'll show paper proof of test that I get with her paper proof. and I had people recommending I ask her for paper proof regardless, because you can get some STD's through physical contact. So I get tested then ask her for paper proof. I get a huge text message explosion of you don't take my word for things that not how relationships should be my word isn't valued. To make it worse I told her my mother (whom she hates) suggested that I ask for paper proof. Lesson learned I should've taken her word for it, but still now I feel it was fine asking as you can get STD's in other ways. She was very close to blocking my number she claimed later on because of this. Last month in May I asked her why she never blocked my number, and she said she didn't imagine being in this city without me, so she didn't want to have to adjust for that (I took it as she basically didn't want to be alone) and said that to her and she denied it.

Next March fight: My girlfriend used to have a habit of making perverted jokes like "I have 10 other boyfriends" or "I want a sugar daddy". As I got more secure in the relationship I felt less bothered by her "joking" humor. I get drunk one night and bring it up that it upsets me when she makes these jokes and I told her why would you make jokes about infidelity if you're so against it. She didn't listen to my concerns and said "What so I am supposed to change my humor now?". The next morning we reconcile and I get flak for "getting drunk" and bringing up issues, which I complained to her that my ex did in the past. She never listened to my concerns and deflected (she does this in every argument to this day- the deflecting). The next morning she also says I don't want you hanging out with your friends who are girls anymore. I met these girls on the same app I met her on, I did not see them as relationship material and chalked it down to friendship, I told her this and I told her they have boyfriends. Basically it was lose these friends or lose her so I said okay I won't talk to them. She also said she had an ex who wrote her a letter right before beginning to date me, and that she didn't respond cause it'd be disrespectful to me, so why would I hangout with girls who I "almost dated" even though I didn't. Then she even said that god forbid the roles are reversed and she hangs out with guys who are friends that she almost saw as relationship potential that I would be so jealous, because I got jealous from the January instagram thing of her with a guy from her past whom she hooked up with. On top of that sometimes she says I did things going against her morals like having sex with women whom I met on dates. I tell her she hooked up with a random guy in the bar and she says yeah well I didn't sleep with them. I think her case was worse as it was a random person whereas I knew the person for multiple dates before getting into bed with them. (Again as you can see, I can bring up a concern in the present, and she digs into the past and deflects the current situation, this is what has hurt me in this relationship so much).

May: We start having sex, and she has worked on her tightness issues (for 5 months through tears sometimes) with exercises and tools her mother bought her and shes ready to have sex. She claims she did it for me so we could have a safe and comfortable sex life, I was thankful for that. Push come to shove I am having issues getting it up, and I get flak for knowing about this before dating her and not putting in effort to take care of my issue before hand. It turns out my issue was due to my ADHD medication, I switch the meds and then go to a doctor in May, find out I am fine, and I chalk it as not taking my meds on days we want to have sex. Then some other times I am still having trouble and she gets upset saying "my parents say we should be on the page 90% of the time and we

re never on the same page". Basically there was a time where she wouldn't tighten up but then I would go limp and it would make sex hard back and forth on both sides with our issues. She was also upset because I wasn't putting in as much effort with my medical sexual issue as she did with hers. She was also upset because in her mind if she didn't get me to take care of this then when would I put in effort to take care of it. I told her I was trying to figure out on my own if it was stress or my meds or whatever. She said that I am not a doctor.

Next May fight: I texted her about 10 minutes before I am supposed to go over to her house, that I would be 40 minutes late. She was upset because I didn't take 5 seconds to text her, (I was having a long stressful day and yes I messed up by not communicating). She said for me to just stay home and she'd enjoy the night she had planned for us, by herself. It didn't really effect me that I missed out I just said okay. I think it's ridiculous she cancelled the whole night because I didn't give her a text, maybe I'm wrong.

Next May fight: Vacation. At this point she did not want to go visit my family with me on vacation because my mother whom she loathes would be there. We have a heart to heart and I say oh well what if we get married, is she just not going to show up? My girlfriend gives a similar situation and says yes. I tell her too what if we have kids, and she says well your mother will never be around cause I don't want a negative woman around my kids. I was very upset that she was catastrophizing this incident with my mother. She said we needed to take a week off because of this and because she wants to know she would be okay being single, given my mom makes a comment about her (because she would break up with me over that at this point) so I said okay. At this point in the relationship she has another friend from her work (a girl) whom she hangs out with during this time. After the trip she says that she realizes she'd be fine with being single since she has social support around her.

June: fight one revolved around a UTI she contracted after having sex with me. She plans to go to Epcot with her friends a few weeks ago and cannot go because of this. She also had a UTI from me in February and couldn't go with her coworkers then. She gets very upset claiming that sex isn't worth it, that it's ruining her social life. I try to calm her telling her it was just bad timing that we've been good about not causing her to get UTI's by taking precautions from February to May (she had no UTI's between this time). She said that she hates being the b*tch who always hangs out with her friends and doesn't have a social life. I told her I don't mind if she hangs out with friends. Then she attacks me and says Jordan you would get so mad if I cancelled plans to hangout with friends, because Jordan (In January) you got upset that I facetimed my family when hanging out with you and didn't pay attention to you. And Jordan a few weeks ago you weren't empathatic with my UTI (basically she had her UTI, we were driving home with a plan to vacuum my car, and she said I just want to go home, I told her it wasn't smart to go all the way home just for me to come back this way to vacuum my car). She said shes being a burden and ohh I'll just sit there while you vacuum your car. I told her I was sorry for not being empathetic to her nausea for the UTI, and we'd go home right away. Anyways she took this UTI situation as me not taking well to changing plans, and she claimed I'd get mad if she cancelled plans with me, to hangout with her friends. At this point I am seeing her on Wednesdays and all during the weekend. We agree to take some weekends off so we can both catch up on hanging out with friends.

I also found out from said above fight that she is still very upset by the March STI testing incident, and every other small thing I do now hurts her much worse, which is why we fight every other week.

She also said no sex for a few weeks cause she doesn't want to get another UTI before her Epcot which was rescheduled this weekend. (I told her okay I understand and agree).

This past weekend she says that I am not being empathetic with her diet she has been on for three weeks. Because I eat cookies in front of her, and cheesecake. She says that she wants to take weekends off during the day so she can focus on herself (her fitness and dieting), and that she doesn't want to make me food anymore. I tell her well I'd be happy to take on a diet with you, since you claim couples are supportive when dieting with each other. I got pretty upset at this point cause I see it as she only wants to see me on Wednesday, Saturday and Sunday nights. I do not see a relationship like that and I honestly felt like she was having me hangout with her when it's "convenient" for her. I tell her this upsets me and we agree on me dieting with her and still hanging out on weekends (as we have the whole 9 months) when she's not with her friends. It should have stopped here but no it doesn't. She brings up other stuff from my past mistakes even back in January. and I disclose to her that I see she likes weird memes on Facebook during this whole relationship, basically implying that I am a "boy", one I mentioned to her said "When you think he's a catch at first but then you realize after time, he's useless". I told her that I took that meme as being about me and me being useless. She says oh we always like things from our past cause their funny and it was about my ex-boyfriend. I said okay. (Honestly it's just as bad if it was about me or her ex-bf). I admit to her that I've seen a lot of memes I think are about me that she likes on Facebook having me think she agrees with it and it's about me. Keep in mind back a few weeks ago, I tell her I don't like how she does not communicate issues when they first happen and then she brings up issues during a fight. Well I get flak for being a hypocrite, by telling her I don't like her communication issues when I didn't bring up the meme issues throughout the relationship, I told her I didn't think it was a big deal after a few hours, so I didn't bring it up. Okay she is valid in that.

This is the next big issue in the relationship: She expects me to have the same empathetic thinking as she does. For example a few weeks ago I put a microwave non-safe plate in the microwave, she said don't do it again. Then a week later I put a different microwave safe item in the microwave. In her mind I should be empathetic and think Oh don't put anything microwave safe in period. These thoughts did not even cross my mind, and I apologized. She says we're not compatible in thinking styles and I agree. I still think this is unfair that she assumes I think the exact way she does, we're two different people.

THE BAD summed up:

1.) To touch on her communication issues, she brought up an issue a month later (occurred in April, didn't bring up until June) where she feels I talk about myself a lot and don't ask her about her day, I told her I wasn't even aware that was happening cause she didn't tell me, and she said she knew I was stressed with school so didn't bring it up). She claims she doesn't bring things up every time they happen the first or second time because she does not want to come across as nagging.

2.) She deflects all of my points in arguments and it gets us nowhere. She even claimed at one point that we weren't compatible with resolving conflict. I agree I am not always empathetic in past conflict, but I really improved on listening to her points in arguments during the course of this relationship. Another example from this past weekend argument, I told her weeks ago I feel like an because she brings up all these things to me and I feel like I cannot do anything right. Before she was empathetic with these points, but later on during this conflict she claims I want a woman who does not speak up about issues in fear of me feeling like an or feeling like I cannot do anything right. Even one time before vacation I told her wanting to take a week off, I took it as wanting a break and I was very upset, she then shifted focus to my mother and how my mother made her feel and she got upset, it escalated into a two hour talk rehashing the mother situation.

3.) She feels she has to make a big deal about things in order to get me to listen. In her mind a big deal is getting to the point of crying, shrieking, almost yelling at me, and then I'll listen. The bowl situation was resolved calmly (one of the few times this happened), and should've ended there. I told her this, and she refuted it saying well 9/10 you don't listen to me until I am "making a big deal" (through yelling) so that's invalid, she even claimed this to be true from situations back in January and February. She also claimed this past weekend and in some past arguments that she feels like I am walking all over her, with me repeating mistakes, and if she doesn't stand up for herself by saying something I will continue to not learn and do it (even little things like microwave plates). I told her yes thank you for bringing up issues I appreciate it. I honestly don't have an issue with her bringing issues up, I just hate how she deflects all arguments and gets to the points of shouting at me. I even threw out the work verbal abuse with her yelling and she said oh well I have tried my best to create an empathetic environment, and if you're gonna throw out that word then we need to break up. I gave in and refuted it claiming I was saying something else, I always give in to some of my arguments otherwise I fear the conflict would escalate. We all know that clinically speaking shouting is verbal abuse. Point blank. My girlfriend cannot take constructive criticism.

4.) Mother situation. She has no hope for this. She has claimed in the past she doesn't see a future with me because of my mother, and she said well if I don't think about your mother then we're fine (so am I supposed to block my mother out of my life as long as I'm with her?, NO). She has called my mother a a total of 16 times to my face and apologized twice. I told her it's unacceptable it needs to stop, she didn't listen. She even admitted this past weekend it slips out when she says it to me, because to cope, she vents to her friends and family and calls my mother a behind my back. I was so mad.

5.) In May she claimed she could get anyone in the city we're in, and even two of her exes tried to get back to her yet shes with me and my mother whom she hates. I told her that wrong to dangle that in my face and make me feel like I'm "lucky" she's still with me. She just said well I was hoping it'd be a wake up call for you. I told her whether she said that or not dangling that in my face I would've listened regardless.

Last points: I have been hearing the points of me not being empathetic with things, I have done my best to improve on that and I have. Even back a month ago she agreed that she likes how I have learned from my mistakes and she's proud of how much I have grown.

At this point I told her I wanted to meet up today. I was going to break up with her for said reasons and she said "tonight I am with the girls, I don't want you upsetting me even more. Wednesdays (tomorrow) are the "designated days" (as in when we hangout) and "I will let you come over then or see how we feel".

Flakiness with hanging out starting in May: After vacation I didn't see her for a whole week, I told her my retreat might go a little later she said "oh well we can take the night off if you want, up to you". I felt upset cause all I wanted to do was see her so I expressed that. Keep in mind we had plans for this night weeks ahead of time. I know shes said in the past she likes her space but this much is too much for me thats what I thought. We hungout had a good night anyways, although it did turn out she was tired and was asleep when I got to her house, basically I get from this she'd have rather slept than see me, after not seeing each other for 7 days.

Possible cheating: right before our other trip to see her parents in May, she had a bruise on the side of her butt and calve, big ones. I wasn't sure what it was but thought oh what if it was a hickey or from rough sex. She claimed she didn't know how she got them. She does bruise easily but normally it'd be from me in bed.

A few times during our relationship there were water bottles and even a drink once on my side of the bed at her apartment. I do not recall them being there from me which led me to believe someone else was in bed those times. One time it was really sketchy, there was a glass on the ground near her bed, on my side, and I asked her about it and she quickly changed the subject. She claims she never goes on that side so she didn't know how it got there. Maybe it was from me and I forgot, maybe it wasn't. I don't have much other evidence. She also admitted a month ago that she basically hides her Snapchat location from me, when her mom and friends can see it.

Conflict resolution deal break: Every argument is sometimes me not listening, but it's always her having a counterargument and deflecting my points and we get nowhere. A lot of fights end with her not texting me for a few days, no contact, I accuse her of stone walling me and she claims she needs space to think about things and process them. I guess that is valid. She always yells in arguments way before I even consider it. No name calling at least on either side.

I have had a lot of happy times with this girl. Idk if she is the love of my life, but I am realizing she is controlling, verbally abusive, expects me to be on the same mental mindset as her. She claims we're incompatible. Now it seems she wants me to hangout when she's convenient for her or maybe that's not the case. I mean she says we can take a week off if I have school work which I love cause I get to busy sometimes. I'm glad she understands that, but still I feel if you really love someone you'll want to see them a lot. She also claims she has to censor her perverted humor from me since I've resented it in the past (so she cannot be herself around me). Let's not forget when we went to visit her parents last month, every girl from her grade school her mother brought up, my gf responded with oh I hate her or oh shes a . My girlfriend has a lot of hate for other people.

I am realizing this is the worst relationship of my life, it has made me miserable, and I am hanging on by a thread at this point. She cannot get over this my mother situation. I have people telling me if she loved me she would work on improving the relationship with my mother, instead of shunning it. I have all 8 of my best friends telling me to drop her for all of her stuff since January, almost all of my family members have heard the conflict from her and tell me to drop her. My counselor tells me she is immature, and I need to drop her. It appears she is still hurting since the March stuff, but I also see that as grudge holding. I hate how she always brings up my past stuff in arguments claiming their interconnected (they may be) but thats beyond the point, we can never focus on resolving current issues cause she always brings up past issues. She also admitted she doesn't feel good about her body and mental state which

means low self-esteem, makes a lot of sense given her behavior. I'd like a second opinion before I fully decide to end this.

Yup not reading all this.

Do you tell your mom EVERYTHING?!

The involvement of your mom is insane and completely inappropriate!

Also, what do you mean by perverted artwork?

Also, your complete ambivalence to your mistakes would drive me nuts. It’s pretty obvious not to put shoes on the bed. It’s also reasonable to be frustrated when someone doesn’t follow through with something they’d say they do (the tolls).

But yeah. The mommy issue is a big issue.

I do not tell her everything. I learned my lesson to not do that months ago. I guess I'll just chalk this all as a learning experience. She is valid in a lot of her complaints.

I will be honest I only made it halfway through I can’t take anymore. What DO you like about her? So many red flags. You haven’t even been together a year yet and she is a nightmare. For me her hating your mom would be a deal breaker, before even getting into the million other things she’s done. It did sound sort of rude how your mom talked to her, but mothers have a 6th sense when it comes to this kind of thing. She probably sensed what an entitled brat this girl is. You are bending over backwards for her, please stick up for yourself and in my opinion let her go. This is not a match.

I do like that shes empathetic with me. That she goes out of the way to realize I've had a bad day and makes dinner or does special things for me. She is thoughtful and caring most of the time. We get along well aside from the fighting we have the same humor and laugh a lot of the time. It feels perfect, when we're not fighting. I do agree thought I need to put some big pants on and end it, there are too many red flags, that out weight "the good moments".

Man, I had to stop reading as well, because this a book. You just wrote a book about how much you don't like your girlfriend and listed every single argument you remember in the relationship. Good lord, just break up with the woman. If I knew the person I was dating was obsessing about our relationship to this point, I would want him to break up with me.

For the record, it's not to healthy keep score in a relationship, which is clearly what you do. None of your arguments were ever truly resolved if you're still upset about them right now. The two of you are likely not a good match, but if you're this meticulous with the judgement of your relationship, you won't be happy with anyone.

This is supposed to be the “honeymoon stage”. If this is how your relationship starts can you imagine your complaints years down the road? You’re still young I’d chalk it up to a learning experience. I agree with SGH and I think you need to build more of a backbone or you’ll have the next one walking all over you. Don’t keep giving her the benefit of the doubt when deep down u know her behavior is not acceptable. Stand up and be a man. (I mean that in the kindest way). Women that are worth it won’t make excuses or turn it around on you, they will respect it.

You're unhappy and have done everything you can to make it work. You're walking on eggshells trying not to screw up and you're damned if ya do, damned if ya don't. You're working on yourself and your issues, I'd say the best thing for you to do continue working on your own issues. A relationship should not be this hard.

You're bringing out the worst in each other. It's great that you both focus on details, why are you focusing on all the bad stuff with no result? Are there any details that are good that you can focus on and point out to her?

She needs to work on her self esteem issues and from what you wrote, you're trying to be supportive. Unless she is happy with herself and where she's at in life (and the same for you) this relationship will continue to spiral downward. She'll continue to work her inner demons out using you as her emotional punching bag. Is that the kind of roller coaster you want to ride on? If so, you're in for quite a ride. The kind that gives you whiplash leaving you with symptoms of vertigo and regret.

If you want to help her work on her self-esteem the best advice to give on that is compliment her at random moments for no reason. It doesn't even have to be about her physical appearance (though it helps). It could be about something she's done or accomplished.

If you disagree with something you don't always have to have a response. Pick your battles. Your silence may get her to think twice in the future.

Sometimes, when someone is hot-tempered the other should quiet themselves and be patient to calm the situation.

"She deflects all of my points in arguments and it gets us nowhere. She even claimed at one point that we weren't compatible with resolving conflict." ---because she or both of you aren't listening to understand each other.

Is she making any effort to compromise or change herself?

It's understandable you're having performance issues. I wouldn't even want to touch her with all that negativity spewing out of her and wouldn't be able to get it up either.

She's not accepting of you at all it seems. It may be best to let this one go. You might find that letting her go, will cause the result you want. Sanity.

IDK OP, you've had a fight every month over trivial things and you're nitpicking each other to the death of your relationship. I wouldn't want to be with someone who is hateful, ungrateful, demanding, controlling, and unappreciative.

That was far too long to read. I made it about half-way.

OP, this relationship is ridiculously immature. You are at each other's throats and this is supposed to be the exciting, thrilling and happy time of a new relationship. There is so much wrong with this dynamic between you two that I don't know where to begin. You are obviously both very unhappy with each other.

Break up and move on. This isn't going to last anyway.

JRW,

I got stuck in May, but this is my only advice.

Don’t be a mummy’s boy.

Run for the hills and never look back.

Wait, she was a virgin? But you said when you met her in October (in a previous post) that she told you she had a miscarriage.

Did you meet two different women in October?

Edit: Is this girl 1, girl 2 or girl 3?

These are two different women, this is women 3. Women 2 is the one who had a miscarriage.