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Still in contact with her ex fiance


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I have recently learned that my girlfriend of 2 years is still in contact with her fiance with whom she separated from 4 years ago. I learned when I posted a picture of myself and her on social media along with separate pictures of us and some man reacted to only the photos of her, which I found very amusing at first - until I found out that he "heart" reacts literally every picture of her. I made a joke about how some man is in love with her and she told me that was her ex. Upon more inquiry, I found out that this man is obsessed with her and has been pining away for years, which she denied until I brought up how he makes social media posts about her! She then opened up and told me that he tries to contact her all the time and she tells him it's over, but she still wants to keep contact with him because he is important to her (?).

This makes me very uncomfortable and it makes me wonder whether or not she is hiding more. She doesn't need this man as a friend since he lives thousands of miles away and only saw her as a sex/status object (These are her words about her relationship with this man). It baffles me. Am I being irrational or is there something serious here? Please help me out. I am so confused as to why she defended this man who is clearly obsessed in her while insisting that she wanted to respect their "amicable" and "healthy" break up, which clearly wasn't either of those.

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She obviously likes his attention.

 

Did she dump him? She wasn't just a sex object to him . Do you really believe a man asks a woman to marry him because he wants to lock her sex down? Highly doubtful.

 

Except that she told me he was more interested in her because she is from America. Her words. I should have included this.

 

She was studying abroad when she met him and of course it ended when she left. A very shallow relationship, which was also her characterization.

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I can see why you're uncomfortable, considering the seriousness of their previous relationship. I also find it a bit concerning she would not do the decent thing and cut contact, as well as social media ties, so this man could move on. It's certainly not your girlfriend's responsibility to aid in her ex's healing process, but the fact that she enjoys profiting off the attention he gives her says something about her character. It's worth examining if she still has extensive contact with him. She should in no way be encouraging his feelings at this point.

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So you think he's looking to make it to America, or whoever she is now? If he's that long distance, don't worry too much.

If it's just liking pics, it's no big deal. If you find messages, that may be of concern, depending upon what they say to one another.

 

This is sort of why I thought I might just be freaking out. Thank you for your input. He does not have the financial means to move to America unless someone were to facilitate it.

What do I make of her insistence on keeping this man around? I honestly find it quite disrespectful since their friendship can't be very meaningful given what she has told me. She said he contacts her very often, mostly to her ignoring it, asking about her dating life and reflecting on times they had together. I honestly don't see what she gets out of that. If my exes contacted me like that, I would rather forcefully tell them to move on.

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I can see why you're uncomfortable, considering the seriousness of their previous relationship. I also find it a bit concerning she would not do the decent thing and cut contact, as well as social media ties, so this man could move on. It's certainly not your girlfriend's responsibility to aid in her ex's healing process, but the fact that she enjoys profiting off the attention he gives her says something about her character. It's worth examining if she still has extensive contact with him. She should in no way be encouraging his feelings at this point.

 

I explained essentially the same thing you're saying here to her and she told me that she thinks he is still a good person. My response: So what? That doesn't mean she needs to be in contact with him.

 

I am yet to have a dedicated conversation with her about this though and hopefully I can at least get her to understand how I feel about this.

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At the end of the day, if she loves and respects you, she should be able to let this relationship go. He is a part of her past and you are (hopefully) her future. Have an honest, adult conversation about how their communication makes you feel. Hear her out, but be clear that you think the communication is harmful to your relationship. I agree there is no reason for her to still have any involvement with this man, and if she actually cares about him, she will recognize that cutting contact will ultimately be beneficial for him.

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At the end of the day, if she loves and respects you, she should be able to let this relationship go. He is a part of her past and you are (hopefully) her future. Have an honest, adult conversation about how their communication makes you feel. Hear her out, but be clear that you think the communication is harmful to your relationship. I agree there is no reason for her to still have any involvement with this man, and if she actually cares about him, she will recognize that cutting contact will ultimately be beneficial for him.

 

Thank you. This is how I feel and this is what I will tell her.

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snip

You've been very helpful. I'm not taking credit away from SweetGirl28 though.

 

I want to ask another thing from you: How should I proceed if she insists on keeping contact with this man after I explain this?

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You've been very helpful. I'm not taking credit away from SweetGirl28 though.

 

I want to ask another thing from you: How should I proceed if she insists on keeping contact with this man after I explain this?

 

Is the contact passive -- he likes things on her social media but they don't actually talk -- she feels obligated to keep him as a facebook friend but doesn't engage in any conversation --- or does she actually have an active friendship with him?

 

I would just be honest "I know this guy is important to you, but do you think you are giving him hope for the future by being connected to him?"

"I sort of have a relationship style that once a relationship is over - its over and i move on - especially if that person still is hung up on me. Its not fair for my new girlfriend to have other women interfering or pining after me especially if I am serious about her. To me, it would feel that i was playing with the old girlfriend's feelings and giving them hope also"

 

Just see what she says.

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I like how abitbroken worded his statement. She should respond well to that approach.

 

It's kind of a catch twenty-two with what level their relationship is at. If it's mostly passive and social media based, OP shouldn't be as bothered as he is, but she should be less attached and able to let go of that type of connection. If they're more connected, OP has more ground to stand on as far as being uncomfortable with the connection, but she may be less willing to let go. I believe it was mentioned that he often tries to reach out to her about their past relationship and that she responds sporadically to his messages, but I could be wrong about this. Either way, OP is going to likely continue to feel negative about the connection, so its worth a conversation.

 

If she refuses to let go of the connection, there isn't much you can do. She is entitled to maintain the relationships she wants as long as she isn't cheating on you. I guess it's up to you to decide if the communication is a deal-breaker, but it seems like a silly reason to breakup to me.

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