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Hi,

 

I always feel suspicious like i need to control my partner's moves, but not a lot, when he's online, facebook/insta/snapchat i like to check to see if he doesn't look at other girls, I make sure he's not being flirty with anyone, I cannot trust him because i don't trust myself. I have no self-confidence and i'm being suspicious on him and i hate myself for that because this attitude will result in him rejecting me because I'm being intrusive.

 

I KNOW that I am this way and this is super toxic. But I'm afraid that if I stop doubting him, he'll do everything I always doubted because he'll think i'm not suspicious anymore. Sorry if it sounds crazy but as I wrote this, you can understand I totally recognize my toxic attitude and it's a just a cry for help.

 

How can I do to get over it ? To stop being suspicious and all ?

 

I love him so much, he's my world and i've never stopped being in love with him for...6 years now, I'm 19 only but I can't get into a guy because I'm so into him!

 

Thank you if you read this, thank you if you're about to reply, I accept every criticism as long as you all are polite of course!

 

Have a nice day/night! :)

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Well, I think you have to be doing a bit more to be considered toxic. Are you starting arguments for no reason? Are you accusing him of cheating all the time? Are you emotionally dependent on him? What else are you doing?

 

And why are you this way? Where you cheated on before? Did you have bad relationships in the past? Is your boyfriend not paying you enough attention?

 

If you want to write more, we might be able to advise you more.

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Has your partner given you a reason not to trust him in the past? If he has, you may want to consider letting the relationship go, rather than running yourself ragged trying to make sure he doesn't do anything shady behind your back.

 

The truth is, you can't control your partner's actions. He will find a way to cheat if he truly wants to. My advice to you would be to get into therapy immediately. Relationships do not function without trust and are not enjoyable for either party when one or both people has controlling behaviors. A professional can help guide you to self-love, which will definitely improve your confidence and trust issues.

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First, thank for your reply.

 

 

I'm not accusing of cheating because he's always at home and i'm always at home as well. we live with each other and his parents in their house. we don't have jobs or schools. he started school in september and i left school 3 months ago. I'm bored at home, we don't do anything special and days are long, i always want to spend time with him but he says that living with me is enough and we don't have that kinda married life where we do things as a couple...everytime we go out, he asks his friends to come (even though i'm friend with them too we have fun!).

 

I start arguments, only me, everytime because I accused him of things he probably never does. He used to lie a lot to me about his past, because we've been two years together, then 4 years separated (he broke up because we were in a long distance relationship) then i moved to his place so we could get into the relationship again. And as i felt hurted because he used to broke up with me twice, i asked him a lot about his past without me, he told me so many things that broke my heart because as i was crying every year and loving him, and he was enjoying his life, yet during these 4 years he was texting me once every 5 months to ask what's up, and then he'd leave and ignore me forever, i was always the loyal dog who was waiting his best friend to come home. I forgave him. But I asked too much about his past and hurted my feelings and myself in general.

 

Before asking about his past, I do my research by looking through his phone and computer, I was stalking I can't lie, I wanted to know what was going on when he broke up with me. I discovered things that hurted me, and then I brought them up to him, in a naive and innocent way, and he was telling me no, i didn't do anything and i was pretending i had no proof, he never knew that i saw all the photos/texts and other things. I feel so bad because it's HIS past, we weren't together, but I was the only one to believe i was in a relationship with him for all these years because he would always text me through these years telling me i was the love of his life unfortunately because of the distance we couldn't be together as a couple etc. I've been so confused all these years.

 

 

 

Today, I'm doing nothing and asking myself : who i am and where i want to go, i don't know what i want to do with my life and i'm someone who thinks...a lot and even too much, i'm a perfectionist, i want to make only the good choice in my life and i'm afraid of failure. So at the moment, I do absolutely nothing of my life. I sometimes go to the gym and I like to educate myself at home through books, documentaries...etc

 

 

 

I've never been cheated on, but i lost my virginity to a man, at a very young age and i didn't want it, and then, after this i was bullied and moved on across my country, i harmed myself, i've been lonely since that night. I lost all my friends and i had some online boyfriends that i've never met.

I could go more on details about it if you want to.

 

 

As i mentionned at the beginning, my boyfriend doesn't pay enough attention to me i believe it's due to the fact that we're living under the same roof for 10 months now. He was a super sweet guy with me the first months, always cared and he always asked me to go out, he'd buy me pretty things, he was cooking some delicious meals, like the perfect man, and then, i looked into his phone and computer, confronted him about his past, we both let ourselves go, and we became kind of confortable, no real effort to please the two of us. He's playing video games all day, and I'm laying on the bed all day complaining about how I'm bored. He never has the time to talk to me, because he lost the focus on his games and get super angry at me. I've no one to talk to not about my problem but you know, friends. I don't like to hang out by myself, i feel super unconfortable.

 

Plus, i am obssessed into being perfect so i take care of myself, i have good hygiene, im feminine and try to be sexy fr him, i love learning things, i'm super interested into his own interests i've already played video games with him, i'm interested in his fav sport team, ....even thiugh i have hard times with self confidence as you can tell,there's no kind of balance in my life it's quite a mess...

 

 

 

sorry for the long reply but i wanted to be as explicit as i could!

 

thank you :)

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Hi, thanks for the reply SGH,

 

I think a lot of therapy these days so I think I'll go for it and see how it can help me. Then, I know, that's totally true: if he wants to cheat then he'll do it, but at the moment he've never done that to me and i don't think he could unless i continue to be this way. This is a vicious circle i can't really explain. I'm afraid to be free of my negative thoughts.

I just try to push back the fact i could be help by a professional because i really want the solution to come and happen by myself, naturally, but when there's a ray of hope, it lasts for days or even weeks but there's always something that brings down my self-confidence...

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Forget about natural. Feeling better should be your top priority. You don't have to take any medication, and therapy will offer a good outlet for you to vent your feelings.

 

Also, consider looking for work, starting up school again, or even just engaging in a hobby. It sounds like your whole life is this relationshup, which is probably contributing to you hyperfocusing on it.

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To SGH,

 

Yes, of course my whole life is my relationship because I have no friends and don't know how to make friends. I left university because I want to focus on something else. Don't look for job yet but I will. As i have a lot of free time, I want to spend it by doing things without my boyfriend to enjoy my life and succeeding in being happy on my own but i'm afraid to make the first step, but i guess we're all a bit like that, the first step is always the harder!

 

Thanks for the quick advice it really helps when it comes from someone else! :)

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To boltnrun,

 

We do really nothing, he plays video games and seriously I spend my day laying in the bed, sometimes, i play with my dogs, or i read a book for half an hour. But I'm easily bored and distracted so I always come back to the bed and i do nothing, i patiently wait the day to end.

 

yes, his parents financially support both of us, so life is pretty easy and that makes me stay on the bed, i'm not saying i'm ungrateful, because i respect a lot his parents and help them by doing the housechores and stuff i just admit that the fact they are financially here make us lazy. I already proposed to work to participate financially but they're sweet and they refuse my money. And my bf is their only child so they love to spoil him and he just does nithing because he knows his parents will always support him, i told him couple of times that he was spoilt and so he was doing nothing but playing video games all day but he got really angry and i just admitted i shouldn't say things like that because he can't do anything about it..

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So what do the two of you plan to do for the rest of your lives? Lay on the bed, play video games, then what? His parents won't be around forever.

 

Can you look at your life and honestly say you do or have accomplished anything you are proud of? You say you left school to "do something else". What exactly is that "something else"?

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to boltnrun,

 

 

He left school years ago and have the dream to be a cabinetmaker, he's about to go to a great school in my country to have a 10 months formation, then he'd like to make his own business out of it. He said that he plays video games all day because he loves it, so i thought maybe he was so bored and i asked to go outside, i asked for exciting dates/hang out and he always says no, he always has an excuse.

 

Honestly, I have nothing to be proud of, I have a diploma like I graduated from high school but that's all. I don't know what to do with my life (professional career) because I'm curious of every kind of job, I don't know what would fit me and please me for years... I left school because in my country i hate the way we are educated, i want something better for me, I never really fit into school, I'd love to get a job and see how does it work so maybe here's my first step..

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Honey, you're in a terrible relationship. You're not a girlfriend, you're a roommate -- or a prisoner. The guy doesn't take you out. He plays video games all day. He doesn't talk to you. He's isolated you from any friends or relatives. He doesn't love you. You're being emotionally abused!! You're totally emotionally dependent on him!

 

You need to Google the terms "emotionally abused" and "emotionally dependent" and read more about this and see yourself in the symptoms. This is not a toxic relationship because you think he's cheating, it's a toxic relationship because you've been totally stripped of your self-esteem and self-confidence! You're just a wisp. A ghost. Someone not even living a life. And having sex at an early age has contributed to your problems. You probably need psych counseling because basically you were raped, even if you consented to it. You probably have PTSD!

 

You need to get out of this situation and get help. Maybe go to university to find yourself. You need to get some friends and get out into the world. Get away from this guy and start living your life. And get a real boyfriend who wants to take you out and romance you. You're missing so much because you don't think you deserve it. But you do. You know there's something wrong with this "relationship." You're never going to heal if you stay trapped by it.

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Honey, you're in a terrible relationship. You're not a girlfriend, you're a roommate -- or a prisoner. The guy doesn't take you out. He plays video games all day. He doesn't talk to you. He's isolated you from any friends or relatives. He doesn't love you. You're being emotionally abused!! You're totally emotionally dependent on him!

 

You need to Google the terms "emotionally abused" and "emotionally dependent" and read more about this and see yourself in the symptoms. This is not a toxic relationship because you think he's cheating, it's a toxic relationship because you've been totally stripped of your self-esteem and self-confidence! You're just a wisp. A ghost. Someone not even living a life. And having sex at an early age has contributed to your problems. You probably need psych counseling because basically you were raped, even if you consented to it. You probably have PTSD!

 

You need to get out of this situation and get help. Maybe go to university to find yourself. You need to get some friends and get out into the world. Get away from this guy and start living your life. And get a real boyfriend who wants to take you out and romance you. You're missing so much because you don't think you deserve it. But you do. You know there's something wrong with this "relationship." You're never going to heal if you stay trapped by it.

 

This is great advice, but to some degree, you have been a willing participant.

 

I second Danzee’s advice. Make some friends and get out of there and live your life.

 

I can’t recall if you mentioned your parents. Could they help you out?

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