Is this the norm?

I don’t really have other relationships to compare this one too. I married my second boyfriend 5 years ago. We have 2 kids together (1,5) and one with my previous relationship (9). And one on the way. I’m looking for advice. My husband is lazy. He doesn’t help around the house. The kids ask him to make them something to eat and he says no. So which leaves me to do it. I’m a teacher so I have the summer off right now. But during the school year I work harder then he does. I get the kids up and ready in the mornings. Make them breakfast. Drop some off at daycare and take the other with me to school. After school I pick them up and take home. Make dinner. Help with homework. Give them baths. Feed the goats, chickens, dogs and cats. Round up the kids and get them in bed. By the time this is all said and done it’s like 11pm. I’m so exhausted that I spend a few minutes on my phone then go to sleep and start all over. With him, he wakes up 5 minutes before it’s time to leave for work. Comes home eats dinner. Then goes to his mancave and watches and plays video games till 2 in the morning.

He is mean to my first born. Doesn’t treat her like his. Always yelling at her. He has no patience with the kids. Doesn’t take time to play with them.

Didn’t buy me anything for mother’s day but was disappointed when I didn’t get him anything for Father’s Day. I’m lonely. I don’t get out much because of the kids. He wants sex all the time. But I’m not attracted to him anymore. I have no interested to be sexual with him. I rather sleep alone on the couch. I’ve asked for separation but he said no. He is not leaving the house. Is it time for divorce? We have tried counseling. But he didn’t put Any effort into it.

Is all of this new behavior for him??

I'm trying to figure out why you'd decide to bring three more children into this if he's been this way all along...

Why did you marry this guy, and have a second kid?

Stop playing nanny and maid to this guy. He can prepare his own dinner, and no more sex.

See a divorce attorney.

Tell him to stop mistreating your first child. You should be protecting your children, not your husband's right to play video games and yell at her. Also you don't need permission to separate. You consult an attorney for a legal separation. You can not simply ask someone to leave their residence, you need a lawyer for that. In this case a divorce attorney. Don't be a martyr. Stop doing anything except for the children. Stop tending the animals, making his dinner, etc and enabling his behavior by mothering him. Nagging will not help, however a letter from an attorney for legal separation will.

I’ve asked for separation but he said no. He is not leaving the house.

Tell him to stop mistreating your first child. You should be protecting your children, not your husband's right to play video games and yell at her. Also you don't need permission to separate. You consult an attorney for a legal separation. You can not simply ask someone to leave their residence, you need a lawyer for that. In this case a divorce attorney. Don't be a martyr. Stop doing anything except for the children. Stop tending the animals, making his dinner, etc and enabling his behavior by mothering him. Nagging will not help, however a letter from an attorney for legal separation will.

I agree with this except the part about not taking care of the animals. That is cruel. They need food and water and some attention. Other than that, go see a lawyer and get his lazy ass out of your house.

You already know it's not the norm. If you're at the point of wanting to separate from him you have your answer. I might try counseling to see if he can see the light as far as a more appropriate division of household responsibilities and more appropriate interactions with your daughter. I am confused as to why you had 3 children with him. Was he always this way?

I agree with this except the part about not taking care of the animals. That is cruel. They need food and water and some attention. Other than that, go see a lawyer and get his lazy ass out of your house.

She can put them up for adoption or give them away to trusted individuals if the animals are too much.

Consult an attorney to force him out, or away from you and your kid. He is abusing your firstborn and is a good for nothing. Whose place is it? Yours? His? Both? If it's the latter, you may need to move out and sell to get away. However, you don't need his permission to get away or separate from him. You just do it. Then proceed with a divorce when you're ready.

You already know it's not the norm. If you're at the point of wanting to separate from him you have your answer. I might try counseling to see if he can see the light as far as a more appropriate division of household responsibilities and more appropriate interactions with your daughter. I am confused as to why you had 3 children with him. Was he always this way?

They've done counseling.

They've done counseling.

They've tried counseling and I missed that in all the details she posted. My suggestion would be to try a different counseling approach -maybe with their place of worship, maybe with a group, etc. There are a number of kids involved here.

so...what happened after you had your first child together with him -- was it all the same --- you did most everything and he played video games? If so, then why did you stick around to have child #2? Did this ONLY start since you have been pregnant with your third child together? I hightly doubt it. Its possible that you have been in denial. its possible he is depressed. who really knows. Can you hire a mature babysitter to pick the kids up from school if it doesn't coincide with when you are off of work (ie you have to sit around for awhile) OR pick the kids up and take them to daycare so that you can have a few more minutes in the morning to yourself or to be at work early when you should, have some time to run errands or get time at home to yourself for an hour before the kids come home to start dinner, feed the animals or have some me time - maybe this will wake your husband up because money is going out for this.

After this baby, I highly suggest that you do not have any more unless something miraculous happens in your marriage and continues to happen.

have you tried arranging for your parents or someone to take ALL the kids so that you can have a night alone with your husband to talk and try to reconnect with him? It is possible because you have all sorts of little hands grabbing for you all day that there is nothing left for your husband. I get that he doesn't help so that's how things are --- but is there a way you can have the oldest feed the animals? or somehow lighten your load - even having someone take the kids one night a week for a few hours?

Thank you for your responses. I guess I just needed validation. I'm scared to move forward with a divorce. I've never been alone before. Both my parents have recently died. Yes he has always been like this. I was in denial in the beginning always thinking it would be better. My MIL keeps telling me marriages aren't perfect, you have to work for it. Which of course I did. As far as the kids go, I knew what I was getting into when I had them. I understood it would be me that would take care of them. Even though I was hoping for more help from him. They are my everything. I recently inherited my property and when it sells I will have some money. I'm wondering if this is the time to get out. Use the money for a new place. But what if I regret it later? And start to miss him? I love him but he is making life miserable for me. I believe I should be happy. And that's not with him.

I do have a babysitter but when we go out I do not enjoy the time spent with him. I feel so much resentment towards him that I find it hard to be happy. Every little thing he does seems to piss me off.

Use the money to start a new life for yourself & the children.

My mother married someone who made my Sister's & my life hell.

I am 56 & still carry the emotional scars from that man. I also have NO relationship with my mother because of our upbringing.

You need to be the Mother here & protect your child from this bully.

Your Daughter didnt ask for this life

Use the money to start a new life for yourself & the children.

My mother married someone who made my Sister's & my life hell.

I am 56 & still carry the emotional scars from that man. I also have NO relationship with my mother because of our upbringing.

You need to be the Mother here & protect your child from this bully.

Your Daughter didnt ask for this life

Agreed. It’s not about you anymore it’s about your kids. It won’t be easy but put yourself in your children’s position, would you want this man in your life for yourself as a child? And with one on the way, I get that complicates things but you chose this. Don’t punish your children for your relationship choices. They need to be number one from now on