Totally confused

Quick back story, after not this past hitch but hitch before that ( oilfield lingo a hitch is time at work in my case 28 days) I went to see the fiancé, had a great time, we talked a good bit, I thought had a plan in place, paid her rent etc etc. I go back to work last hitch we go days without talking, don’t like it but ok we are both busy so that happens. She gets sick from trying to quit drinking. That was week before last. Then last Saturday I get a call from my neighbors up in Arkansas telling me my house up there has been broken in. I get off a few days early, go get my dog, drive to my house in Kentucky ( spent 16 hours in my truck Sunday) go to a friend of mines dads funeral Monday, get up early Tuesday drive to Arkansas go check on the house, talk to the cops, they check the house and give me their number. Drive another hour north, spend the night in Jonesboro, spend Wednesday on a John Deere 8830 dragging a 45’ chain disc getting a field ready for planting, get done, drive back to my house in Kentucky spend Thursday and Thursday night there, get offered a job for a different boat company, drive back to South Alabama spend the weekend with my son.

Ok now that’s over, in that time period my fiancé has gotten an eviction notice from her house, ( which she told me last time I was there she was going to let it go and move in with her mom) so I told her to pack her kit and shag ass to Kentucky, she starts in on this telling me how we are so committed, how loyal she is, how we are bound. I’m like ok so I already know this but still kinda weird coming from basically an ice queen who shows no emotion. I tell her I’m going to go down to lousianna Monday to talk to the guy about the job, (that was Saturday. I think) I’m sittin here studying on it pretty hard, like the sechdule but don’t like the pay cut ( I’d loose 10k/year going there and I’m not in the oilfield just for sng) so I decide not to take the job.

This afternoon I saw where a friend of mine was in town, haven’t seen her in 3-4 years, asked if her and her daughters would like to go lookin for Alligators tonight for a couple hours, didn’t think anything of it. We are just about to wrap up, my fiancé texts me, asking what I’m doing, I tell her out looking for alligators with a friend that just got in to town, I hook the boat up and we are hauling butt down a narrow river at 30mph ( I love running rivers at night, it’s just exciting) get to the ramp I’ve got 5-6 rapid fire texts, which friend, why didn’t you take the job, so I explain all this to her, then she goes off telling me how bad it hurt that I was out seeing and entertaining this other woman. I explained to her that I had known this other woman since we were teenagers nothing ever had nor ever would happen. Also told her since I had taken off early I was going back to work Wednesday. Then she really got mad telling me she had her answer on how I felt about her and us, she wasn’t going to sit there and loyally wait for me to come to her any more. So I asked her if that meant she was going to start seeing other ppl. She said no your the one that does that.

I guess I just pure stupid bc I don’t understand any of it. One night she loves me next night she thinks I’m screwing somebody else. I reckon I screwed my friend with her 16 year old daughter in the boat with us. I’m confused.

Left out a couple things 1) fiancé lives in south Florida. 2) after close to a year of sending her engagement requests on fb and being ignored 2 months ago I just changed mine to where it said nothing about a relationship on fb which she found out tonight. 3) why would she even insinuate I might cheat on her, from my experience if someone is insinuating or acusing you of it that’s bc they have a guilty conscious.

Edit to add, she also says I need to go talk to a shrink bc I keep things in and don’t talk enough about what’s bothering me. I’m not going to go see a shrink thank you very much, the more somebody knows about you the more ammo they have to hurt you with.

Are you kidding? You changed your Facebook status? That means the relationship's totally over, didn't you know?

Also how much time to do you actually spend with her? A week a month? Girls don't like that either. And if she got sick from trying to stop drinking, that's a pretty serious alcohol addiction she has there.

Plus, you don't send engagement requests via Facebook. That's ridiculous. You do it in person.

You don't really talk about what kind of relationship you have. It just sounds like someone you hook up with.

I think she was just looking for a reason to break up with you. It doesn't have to be a rational reason, just any reason to justify it. She's looking for someone different, maybe someone who's actually there for her. It sounds like you're pretty busy with your own things. I think you should just move on.

Ok, first off we didn’t break up. 2nd I proposed to her in person and gave her a ring last year

See above picture.

3rd- yes she’s an alcoholic that’s doing her best to quit, I’m in 100% support if that bc I got myself off coke and have been clean 13 years now . Let me repeat that before somebody skims through and tells me how bad it is that I’m on coke I’VE BEEN CLEAN 13 YEARS not days, weeks or months but YEARS.

Time together is limited, usually 5-7 days after most hitches, some times it don’t work out like that and only ends up being a couple days. Wether girls like it or not can’t be helped, long distance relationship, plus other responsibilities that have to be taken care of in a limited amount of time.

The fb thing I get, I’d like to let the world know we are engaged, but when I tried to add her to the relationship status in the bio it always said pending on her approval. Silly yes, but in today’s world of social media things that seem silly aren’t always are.

Does she work? Why is she getting evicted? Has she sought treatment?

If she is so cold emotionally , what are you getting from this? Most importantly, she does not trust you.

There is so much going on here, I'm exhausted just from reading it. Alcohol withdrawal, eviction, traveling, new job, engagement...

Not many women can or will tolerate this amount of instability. Especially someone dealing with substance abuse. She needs stability, security, support....not a fiance she barely sees who's spending time with other women without discussing it with her.

We all have a past, granted those of us with past drug problems do sometimes still have a lot of stigma clouds floating around our heads but you are clean now and have been for well over a decade (awesome!)

Anyway, going back to all this confusion you are having, if you are clean you know as well as anyone else here that anyone that has an addiction and is still using or is in the process of detoxing is going to behave erratically. You must also know that you can't reason with with her if that is the case.

Is this a behavior change from when you first met her or has this always been the case that she behaves erratically? What are you doing to set boundaries with her and to protect your own sobriety?

Lol. "Whether girls like it or not can't be helped."

Yes it can, if the girl is your priority. Believe it or not, millions of people across the globe live and work in one place full time.

Lol. "Whether girls like it or not can't be helped."

 

Yes it can, if the girl is your priority. Believe it or not, millions of people across the globe live and work in one place full time.

How? Quit my job, go on the draw and not see me son?

There is so much going on here, I'm exhausted just from reading it. Alcohol withdrawal, eviction, traveling, new job, engagement...

 

Not many women can or will tolerate this amount of instability. Especially someone dealing with substance abuse. She needs stability, security, support....not a fiance she barely sees who's spending time with other women without discussing it with her.

Well she knew what she was getting in to when she signed on. She knew my work sechdule is 28 days on 14 off and in those 14 days off I’ve got to be 3 different places at some point in time. Until we get moved and settled that ain’t going to change, when that happens unless we settle in South Alabama I’ll have to be in 2 places except during huntin season then it’ll be 3 again. And no I will not quit huntin, I was huntin before I met her and will be huntin after I forget her

Her: going through alcohol withdrawal, learning to live sober, being evicted and has to find a place to live, boyfriend is never home.

You: she knew what she was getting into, I won't stop spending my time hunting, spends a day with another woman without telling fiance.

Seems like you have yet to learn what it means to be in a relationship. Let alone a marriage.

What about your new house that you've been working on... she was part of that choice, right? She is aware of your work schedule, of course. I can see about the time spent with your friend being an issue, because it was right before you left again and gives the impression that being with your fiancee wasnt so compelling.

Yes, you want to see friends, but you also want to invest in your future with this one woman (so it seems?). Sometimes, friends have to take a back seat to our marital relationships. It's what makes time feel so precious. Those of us lucky to have loved ones never have enough time for them -- one must make tough choices. Work because we have to take care of the basics, kids, self & home life all come before friends.

The fact that she is a woman is secondary; the fact that it seemed spur of the moment and so much fun, and that you weren't excited enough about your fiancee to introduce her to your old friend... that is what would bother me.

Her: going through alcohol withdrawal, learning to live sober, being evicted and has to find a place to live, boyfriend is never home.

 

You: she knew what she was getting into, I won't stop spending my time hunting, spends a day with another woman without telling fiance.

 

 

Seems like you have yet to learn what it means to be in a relationship. Let alone a marriage.

No I spent an hour and a half with her and her daughter

What about your new house that you've been working on... she was part of that choice, right? She is aware of your work schedule, of course. I can see about the time spent with your friend being an issue, because it was right before you left again and gives the impression that being with your fiancee wasnt so compelling.

 

Yes, you want to see friends, but you also want to invest in your future with this one woman (so it seems?). Sometimes, friends have to take a back seat to our marital relationships. It's what makes time feel so precious. Those of us lucky to have loved ones never have enough time for them -- one must make tough choices. Work because we have to take care of the basics, kids, self & home life all come before friends.

 

The fact that she is a woman is secondary; the fact that it seemed spur of the moment and so much fun, and that you weren't excited enough about your fiancee to introduce her to your old friend... that is what would bother me.

Yes that’s the reason I took off work early bc our new house got broken in to, one of us has to be the responsible one here and that happens to be me.

That’s the whole problem here, fiancé is in south Florida, I’m currently in south Alabama 8 hours apart, there is absolutely no possible way I could have introduced them. If she would’ve been here I’d have had her sittin next to me while we were out gator spottin but like I said she’s 8 hours away.

Her: going through alcohol withdrawal, learning to live sober, being evicted and has to find a place to live, boyfriend is never home.

Her: told me last time I was off that she was letting the house go and going to move in with her momma, also has told me numerous times she’s going to quit drinking or has quit then I get in she’s hammered from the time I get there until I leave a week later.

Me: yep never home I have no education past high school the only way I know to make a good living is working offshore such is life

You: she knew what she was getting into, I won't stop spending my time hunting, spends a day with another woman without telling fiancé. Me spent an hour and a half with an old friend and her daughter not the whole day. Me also I eat sleep breath dream deer and duck hunting 24/7/365 when she wants to go I take her with me, she’s got her own clothes, guns, waders and everything else she needs.

 

 

Seems like you have yet to learn what it means to be in a relationship. Let alone a marriage.

I filled in the blanks in the quote

Can you imagine what you're going to be up against when/if you marry this person? Vagina is a helluva drug, apparently.

Can you imagine what you're going to be up against when/if you marry this person? Vagina is a helluva drug, apparently.

So is quack fever it’s already starting to affect me early on this year. Been gettin decoys ready the past couple days, got 2 cases of ammo, been blowing out the walls with hail calls, dog is going back to the trainer in August for a refresher course, getting likley places marked on my plotter, reading hatch reports from up north, all in preparation for opening day of early teal season come on September 15th I’m ready to see those blue rockets come streaking in over the decoys.

How come she got evicted when you paid her rent?

Didn't she already break up with you once before?

How come she got evicted when you paid her rent?

 

Didn't she already break up with you once before?

That was in May. Then she got sick and missed a lot of work. I asked her if she needed me to pay this months but she said no.

Yes she’s broken up with me before one night when she was drinking.

I try to be this great guy she’s expecting 95% of the time I get it right. One screw up and I get reamed a new one

That was in May. Then she got sick and missed a lot of work. I asked her if she needed me to pay this months but she said no.

Yes she’s broken up with me before one night when she was drinking.

I try to be this great guy she’s expecting 95% of the time I get it right. One screw up and I get reamed a new one

How does 50 years of getting "reamed a new one" every time you screw up sound?

How is she trying to stop drinking? AA? Counseling? A rehab program? A doctor?

In Capttrae's defense (not that he needs any, he is good on his own!) I must say here, that this woman knew about his career before dating him, obviously! The career is what it is, it's weeks away from home, back a while, weeks away again. This is what the man does for a living, he can't change his schedule to be home 365 days a year.

It's like being in a relationship with an international pilot, an over the road truck driver, or a lot of government jobs, or the military. Many people have successful relationships while being separated (by necessity) because of work.

Capttrae, I think it was big of you to give her a chance to stop drinking. I admire that you are 13 years clean off of coke, and I think this is one reason you want to give her a chance to be clean as well.

I'm going to side with Capttrae here; she seems to have flipped out because of his decision about the job and because he was out with a friend. While I might discuss career decisions with a significant other, I'm not going to let anyone make a decision about my career, nope! But, that's just me and my opinion - only. I can't speak for anyone else. I also think she was overly jealous because he was out with an old friend and her daughters. I couldn't deal with the insecurity, again, that's just me. I wish the OP the best, he's a great guy and a very helpful contributor here on ENA.