He doesnt want sex anymore

Hey guys, I need some help. I live with my bf who is 26 yo (and I’m 24) and we have been together for 5 years now.

3 months ago he kinda abruptly stopped wanting to have sex with me. We used to have sex like 4, 3 times a week and in the last 3 months it happened like twice?

The other aspects of the relationship are good - he takes care of me, helps me with everything, even though he doesn’t need to cuddle or show me affection very much anymore. But he has been always like that so I’m trying not to read that much into it.

I was trying to look up the problem online. The articles talked a lot about a porn addiction. So I thought that could be the case since before this he would always come to me and say how badly he needed sex.

At some point in the last few days I just gave up. I went through his computer and then through his phone. Understand please, that my bf has unfortunately some history of lying to me when it comes to things that are unpleasant to him (for example when I caught him flirting with a coworker, he wouldn’t admit it until I pulled out some proof. He stopped talking to her after that and even changed jobs. And it was a long time ago so we have been working to build the trust again.) So when I asked him outright (and believe me I tried it anyway) I got no answer. He asked: is the relationship only about sex for you? And I said that of course not, but it’s still an important part... and he was just mad and we got nowhere. The no sex situation didn’t change after it. And I still get the same excuses like: it’s too hot today. I’m not feeling so well. You have too much work to do for school and you don’t have time for this... and so on.

So back to the phone. I found out he is on some kind of forum for sex where he goes through profiles of super young girls (around 18) who post pics of them half naked. He also reads the forum and threads such as: I’m horny I need someone for sex or today I don’t wear underwear under my skirt...

the thing is I don’t know how much interaction he has with those girls. Is he just jerking off to photos? Or is he talking to them or worse having sex with them in the person? I know that if I try and confront him he will only try to hide any proof of that he’s doing it and will never admit anything unless I explicitly say that I saw it on his phone.

And here I am not knowing what to do. Should I break with him right away? Or should I wait? I’m scared I have worked so hard to regain the trust on both sides and he was a part of almost everything I did in the last 5 years. So I don’t want to be overreacting for nothing.

Should I try talking to him first? Tell him that I saw the forum and profiles?

I love him and thought that we would get married one day and have kids blah blah. But I mean cmon should I stay in a relationship where I get no sex, meaning he basically doesn’t find me attractive? So then I come to the part where I blame it all on me in the end. Now I’m all the time like: is it me? Am

I not sexy enough for him anymore? Is he bored with me? It complete shatters any shreds of self esteem I still have left.

I don’t really know what to do or how to feel. Please help.

It is a problem if you've already talked with him about it and nothing has changed.

It simply might be the case that he is now bored. Nothing wrong with you at all!! You might be attractive to many men out there and none of them would become bored with you.

But your boyfriend sounds like he is into possibly younger women and more risque type of sex.

What I mean is, no woman would be able to please him if this is the kind of thing he is wanting. He might be okay with sex with one person for a while but he would eventually get bored of them too.

All you can do is try once more to talk to him and ask him if this is fixable or if he is bored. You also have a right to tell him you need more sex than he is giving you. He has no right to give you heck about needing/wanting that.

If you can't come to an agreement that suits you both then it would be time to end things.

Whether or not you stay with him depends on your own boundaries. You have to decide where you draw the line with porn. For me, I don't care if my partner watches it (I watch it too) as long as it doesn't affect our sex life. If he's actually messaging women on the website or meeting up for sex, then he's crossed into cheating.

The combination of issues in the past that have lead to you not trusting him and you being convinced that he will not own up to his shady behavior tell me that you should probably move on. Likely, even if you present him with evidence, he will just drip-feed the truth (test the waters to see what you know and only admit to what you know for sure). Don't let him have certain parts of you that he wants, while he neglects you sexually and gives attention to other women behind your back.

It is a problem if you've already talked with him about it and nothing has changed.

 

It simply might be the case that he is now bored. Nothing wrong with you at all!! You might be attractive to many men out there and none of them would become bored with you.

But your boyfriend sounds like he is into possibly younger women and more risque type of sex.

What I mean is, no woman would be able to please him if this is the kind of thing he is wanting. He might be okay with sex with one person for a while but he would eventually get bored of them too.

 

All you can do is try once more to talk to him and ask him if this is fixable or if he is bored. You also have a right to tell him you need more sex than he is giving you. He has no right to give you heck about needing/wanting that.

 

If you can't come to an agreement that suits you both then it would be time to end things.

Good advice.

How long have you been living together? The relationship is hardly "good" since you have been policing him, snooping through his phone constantly and confronting him about everything from smoking to coworkers to now this...for years. This kind of cat-and-mouse relationship and chronic arguing, suspicions, etc is a romance killer. So is acting like his mother.

Have you become complacent with your appearance or behavior? Just back off and work on a self improvement plan including working on your self respect, self esteem and making sure you have a life and interests outside of the relationship, policing him, playing house and rehearsing to be a wife.

I live with my bf. 3 months ago he kinda abruptly stopped wanting to have sex with me. I love him and thought that we would get married one day and have kids.

This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. Those require communication, sex, and understanding.

He has some kind of addiction that is taking away from what he needs to contribute to you. IF this is worth it, stay, otherwise I would run away quick.

So when I asked him outright (and believe me I tried it anyway) I got no answer. He asked: is the relationship only about sex for you? And I said that of course not, but it’s still an important part... and he was just mad and we got nowhere.

^^This part jumped out at me.

You approached him wanting to a safe, intimate discussion about your sex life and in turn the words he used were meant to shame you or embarrass you into not asking again.

So now you have two problems. .or three. You aren't having sex, he removes the discussion from the table and tries to make sure you don't bring up again and you don't fully trust him.