Jump to content

Recommended Posts

Hi,

 

I’m at a loss and well I dont know how to “get over it”

 

I met this girl back in 2013 after 6 months of dating we moved in together. I had just been dealt some pretty hard blows by my job and probably wasnt ready for a relationship but my fears of rejection and being alone fueled my desire to have sombody in my life. I knew she used drugs recreationaly but I over looked allot of it because she is a looker and I was lonely. Our relationship was very intense, meaning when things were good there were amazing. When things were bad they were horrid. Anyway after four years of her continually going on benders, countless arguments, using hard drugs and figting addiction. Me cheating and ruining her trust (im not blameless). I just couldnt do things anymore. There was more bad days than good.

 

We tried counseling, we came up with stategies and gave it our best but things fell apart again anyway, addiction is a powerful thing.

 

We parted ways on the 1st of the year. We had a big blow up, she left and came home high and I just told her I was done.

 

I own the house and she moved out in the 2nd. We tried being friends but that wasnt going to work. I set into work mode and started re-landscaping the front yard just to stay busy and keep my mind off of things. Im mostly a loaner and the few good friends I have are just busy with their lifes and its hard to keep from calling her up to work things out.

 

I finished the front yard and now Im extreemly lonely. I work a 60 hour week and cant wait to leave work only to go home to an empty house and want to go back to work. I have redecorated some in the inside, and I have two dogs (one was ours) that I force myself to walk and interact with but it just isint cutting it.

 

I am working with a counselor (same one we attended) to try and put my life back together but have missed a few weeks because work kept interfearing. (You cant reschedule the railway)

 

I feel extreemly guilty about just walking away but the councelor and my family all said it was time, that she had made her choices.

 

I know the relationship is over, even if I dont 100% want it to be it has run its course. Its been 6 months now and Im still feeling depressed, hurt, guilty, sad and a good bit of loneliness thrown in for good measure.

 

How do I let go of the good memories and the past and move forward? How do I stop feeling like we could fix things if we really tried?

 

Ive instituted the no contact rule as of march and deleted blocked her number and I dont use scocial media. I got a court order to remove the remaining belongings she had left at my house because she wouldnt get them. (Shipped them to her family)

 

My counselor says to go out on a casual date but I can’t, I tried and just froze up when it came to making plans to do more than talk via text.

 

I know I cant be the only person to have ever had a bad relationship.

 

Any help would be appreciated

 

-Nick

Edit: spelling and gramer (hard to type on phone)

Link to comment

Hey man, yes it is extremely hard. Sounds like you're doing everything you can to try and get to a better place. I know it doesn't feel like it is working at the moment but you have to keep on trying. Try and have new experiences and pick up new hobbies - anything really that doesn't remind you of her. It will get better, just hang in there.

Link to comment

Have you ever tried any guided meditations? I use an app called Headspace. Being present or in control of my mind and emotions is totally foreign to me. Ive fairly new at meditating but it seems to help. There is something about being present that is so difficult but also can be freeing. Im right around the same timeline as you and I feel the same. Loaded with sadness, anger, regret, longing. Good luck man

Link to comment

Hey buddy,

 

I know you're feeling wobbly right now, but reading your post I see a lot of strength, introspection, and strength in introspection. You're aware of the basic facts here—a toxic relationship has run its course—and you're not letting feelings of discomfort lead you back into the fire. That, right there, is amazing, inspiring stuff. You're doing some real reflection, a touch of reckoning. That's not easy, but you're making space for real peace, and real rewards.

 

Having gotten out of a tough relationship myself 8 months ago—we brought out plenty of dark corners in the other, with the poor choices and behavior to go with that excavation—all I can say is it takes real time to process these ones. Aside from the inevitable longing and missing, there are the existential questions: What lead us to engage in something unhealthy, and for so long? Mix into that guilt about certain behavior (i.e. cheating) and it's a lot to juggle. It can buckle the knees and freeze the heart, for a while. And that's okay. Give your time to feel what you feel, question what you need to question.

 

Maybe dating isn't quite right now, but, hey, you dabbled a bit with some app chats. I remember that phase well, and man oh man was I worried it was my new permanent state: too damn scarred for 3D public consumption. But rest assured there's only more light on the horizon, and it seems you're doing all the right stuff to find it: acknowledging the urge to make contact, but not reacting to it, doing something, anything else instead. Stay on that path and you'll be out of the woods before you know it.

Link to comment

It's only been six months and you were in a four year toxic relationship. Healing always takes time after any relationship, but it takes even more time when you get out of an unhealthy partnership. Recognize that while the good times were good, they weren't good enough to make up for the drug addiction on her part and the cheating on yours. Some problems and events make a relationship unworkable.

 

Focus all your energy on rebuilding your social life when you're not working. It will definitely require you to get out of your comfort zone, but you can't expect the loneliness your experiencing to go away without effort. Going back to your ex will not change the fact that you lack meaningful social supports and relationships in your life. Actually, restarting a toxic relationship will push most potential friends away. It will get better if you help yourself move forward.

Link to comment

It can really be painful but like medicine or a surgical procedure, it hurts because it cut into you. What is important now is your healing. If you keep dwelling on why you miss her, the happy times you had and that the guilt of walking away, soon your mind will play tricks on you. Remind yourself why she is not good for you, not to berate her, but to see objectively that your decision to split was for the better. And as others advised here, you might consider getting some friends as well who can be a source of support for you. The best way is to be a friend first. Be nice to people, help when appropriate and if you have a good positive outlook in life, people generally will like you.

Link to comment

Update:

 

Had another seasion with ny counselor, and we talked allot about being lonely and how to overcome it. He also stressed meetup, so Im looking into that.

 

At his advice I went out the last few days and did stuff alone..things I quit doing alltogether or always took my ex with me. It was a small victory but a victory is still a win. I went to a resturant her and I used to frequent to the point where we were regulars. Just me, and had a nice dinner, a margarita and just spoiled myself, even got The dessert I always wanted but we never ordered.

 

I also met sombody to go walking with last Wednesday. That has helped allot too. Still got a long way to go but getting a little better, Sunday will be the real test. 24 hours in a hotel in a town I dont know while at work, just my thoughts to annoy me. Ill check in after that ordeal.

 

Thanks for the kind support, hoping to get back to my old self eventually.

Link to comment

sounds like you need a different counselor if this one is not working for you. I would think a counselor would try to find the root of the problem then trying to find band aids the only treat the surface. You say you are lonely, he says Hey, try meet up or Tinder.

 

you said something and that is that you want to forget. you want to forget you relationship or or you want to forget memories or you have probably said that you wished you never met her. (I know I have said that before). Here is the thing. You cant forget on purpose. It just doesn't work.

Memories have two parts to them. Visual and Emotional. I say visual because those are the ones that if you go to a restaurant that you and your X went to you can picture yourself there with your X. Then there is emotional, the part that you can recall what you felt or how it makes you feel today. So lets say you do go and eat at a restaurant and you sit in the same booth, you can recall the date, but you can probably recall the feeling you had then you realize she is gone and now it makes you sad. What part gets to you the most? The emotions tied to that memory. Its like recalling your time eating your favorite food. or your first time you rode a bike, the first time you drove the car by yourself. You can probably remember those, but you don't have the emotional attachment to them. Since you don't constantly think about the first time you drove by yourself the emotional feeling is gone. You might smile but I don't think you jump up and down for joy.

So with your X, you have the part you can still see and you have the part you can still feel. the part you can see is always going to be with you, but the emotional part will and does go away. Think of them as vines, or strings for every memory. the more you allow the emotions to control your day, the bigger the vines get, the less you think about them, then they will eventually fade away and fall off the memory. So how do we forget an emotion tied to our thoughts? Stay busy, accept they are there and don't dwell on them.

Its a fact that once a thought or memory of your X pops in your head you have approx 25 seconds to let go of the emotional thought attached to that thought. So What you do is 1. accept that its there, 2. Let go of the emotion.. That means you slow down, breathe, relax, accept its there, then you exhale and let the emotion go away. Replace it with your happy place.

Try that.. I know this reply is a book, and Im sorry for that (Im a fast typer) but you can get thru this. You will get thru this. Stay busy, relax, accept and let life handle the rest. Youll go on dates when you are ready. But please, don't dwell.

Link to comment
  • 2 weeks later...

So on month 7, been in no contact for the 4th month now, and its still hard but getting easier. Id say I still get lonely but I have found a few other things to do. I mentioned earlier I had re-landscaped the front yard, and thats now finished. I have some other projects aroud the house (small things) I have been knocking out. I joined a group of german shepherd owners on meet up and we go out for a long hike once a week. My friend has also been walking with me almost 2x a week as well. My co-worker is very active and encouraged me to get a bicycle and go riding with him (20mi to work). I also have decided to get back i to model building as I used to love that when I was a kid and figure it will be a good outlet.

 

I have been spending my non physcal activity time budgeting and taking an online class in personal finance, should have 0 debt minus the mortgage by end of year if I keep it up! Amazing how much cheaper it is to be single.

 

I come on here allot and while I may not post I read when Im really having a bad time and that helps allot too, just knowing others are in the same boat.

 

Again just wanted to thank everybody because its nice to know others are dealing with the same thing. Its starting to get better, slowly but I feel a big difference in my own attitude and ithers are noticing it as well.

Link to comment

UPDATE 7/7

 

So I got home from work today and got a call from a phone number I didnt recognize. I answered it and the other person just started talking. He introduced himself and explained that he is my ex's current boyfriend. Told me what she said about me, and how he has realised that it wasnt all me. Basically he went on and on about how she is acting and her current decisions in life and asked me what he should do. Now that he had stopped talking and I could get a word in edge wise I just said it not my place to discuss my ex or her issues with anybody in this level of detail and thanked him for his call and hung up. I than promptly blocked the number on my phone to prevent future calls.

 

Anyway now while I did get some feeling of validation form this person as to my decision to end my relationship with my ex I am at the same time concerned for her emotional well being, and her saftey in regaurds to continued drug use. Everything in my wants to call her and be the doormat and safety net for her at the same time but I know I cant go back. The dogs got a really really long walk today while I pondered this. I've made my decision and I am not going to reach out, period as it would only make things worse. Just sucks that once you know something you can unknow it. I know the best course is to stay in NC and just let it be so I have reached out to my friends and have been talking with them, but I figured I would reach out here too, beats calling her up wich would just reset the whole process.

Link to comment

@19Nick87

 

Hi , I was just reading thru thread because ur also at 7 month point as I am . I don't know it helped me feel better that u also still struggle even though it had been 7 months as I do .

 

I cant believe the current boyfriend reached out to u for advice . That is so wrong on so many levels. I am guessing this triggered u into memories of her . Please try to stay no contact since she is with this guy, it might set u back further .

 

I also have rough days still. Some days I think I am doing better than there are days I feel kinda worse .

Link to comment

Sorry to hear about the new dose of drama.

 

As I said in an earlier post, I can relate to some of this. My ex has some real mental health issues, and I certainly have my own issues in the way that I became tethered to being a stable presence during the low moments. But when I realized that dynamic was eating at my own stability, the relationship was over and that, basically, was that.

 

Anyhow, in recent months I've had a couple of moments like the one you're describing—moments where I've known she's not doing okay, where I grew concerned, and where part of me wanted to check in, be there, whatever. But I knew that wasn't going to be good—not for, not for her, not for whatever kind of healthy relationship I'd like us to one day have (healthy silence). So I stayed quiet, and you know what? She's alive. Is she great, is she a mess? I don't know. I just know that it's not on me—she'll walk the path she needs to walk, as will yours.

Link to comment

So today is the 11th. I still have maintained NC, though I had a few hours on the 7th where my brain was constantly going, I know deep down nothing good can come of getting involved in that drama again. I’ve added the new number to my block list and didnt even respond.

 

Walked about 20 miles the other day while traveling with my job. Got home, meet an old friend and we went for a hike with the pups and talked about the recent events and got the same advise of just stay in NC.

 

I have lost about 20 lbs due to excersize lately trying to get that last 10 off and than tone my stomach/abs/beer gut.

 

Every passing day things are getting easier though. Was much easier to dismiss the wole current boy friend reaching out to me than I thought it would be. I alao havent felt quite as alone as I was before. I’m finding I dont feel the need to have sombody around all the time. I have moments but its definatly gotten much better.

Link to comment

This week has seen major progress I think. Yea I still have moments where I think about my ex, but no more times where its hard to breath or fighting the feeling of lonesomeness. Im actually looking forward to my work trup this week, not dreading the time alone.

 

Im finding I miss my ideas of what should have been not the reality of what was. For what its worth I saw an episode of cops and thought “thank god im not with my ex, we would have wound up on that show.” Im making plans again for the future and have a new backup contingency for work shouldnit go south.

 

Honestly just feel really good about where I am headed in life. Its nice to have direction again, even if its not with my ex its a direction and it feels good. Have an appt with my counselor on weds and I cant wait to talk about some of the progress made.

 

Its so nice to have found this website and read others stories. It made me realise Im not the only one dealing with problems and I found allot of inspiration from others on here. Thanks to all for sharing their stories, it helped me allot and in turn I hope my story helps others.

Link to comment

And thank you for sharing yours, and adding to the well of inspiration.

 

It sounds like you're really doing this right—not pretending you're magically cured, owning that hard thoughts come and go, but listening to the wiser voice inside rather than the impulsive one. Building that emotional muscle (and, hey, working off a beer gut) is going to make you grateful for this time.

 

As for those ideas of what should have been—well, stay on this path and you'll find you'll actualize them in reality. Not with her or anyone, but within, so when the time is right you'll be able to share it with someone new and build something healthy and not material for an episode of "Cops."

Link to comment
  • 2 weeks later...

Comming on almost 8 months broken up, still in NC and doing ok in not looking to her or for her. Been keeping busy with work (whole different problem there but we can dive into that later), hiking and my yard work.

 

Supposed to go see extended family today and just dont want to. I mean they are my family but I always feel alone around them if that makes any sense. Ive been feeling alone allot this week, and not pining for my ex alone but just alone like I want sombody here with me to spend time with.

 

I did some yard work the other day and just wanted sombody to be out there with me, or like I got up early and walked to the grocery store, bough fresh vegies and made myself a nice breakfast but wanted sombody to share it with.

 

I dont quite no where Im going with all this ramblng but hopeing sombody out there in internet land understands what I mean.

 

Im not necessarily unhappy with myself just lonely. Ive been at my job for 10 years and its a love hate relationship, i love the work but hate the industry. I get to go in again this year for my physical and Ive always had a problem with the color vision test. Its always a fight with the company but Ive managed to get through it eventually. I dont even feel like arguing with them this year about it, dont feel like it matters. Ive got some savings and no major debt other than a mortgage and a small credit card (ex’s rehab) wich will be paid off soon, wonder if I even need this job anymore.

 

I know the job thing is kinda random but I wonder if thats why I junped into my last relationship as an escape from the reality of work, wich really doesnt fix anything just change my focus and made the relationship toxic as I was looking to my partner to be my escape and putting undo stress onto her.

 

Done with the rambling for now, just trying to see if anybody else here can relate or give advice. I got another apointment with the counslor in a few days but a few days isint helping now.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...