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Thread: how to let go

  1. #11
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    UPDATE 7/7

    So I got home from work today and got a call from a phone number I didnt recognize. I answered it and the other person just started talking. He introduced himself and explained that he is my ex's current boyfriend. Told me what she said about me, and how he has realised that it wasnt all me. Basically he went on and on about how she is acting and her current decisions in life and asked me what he should do. Now that he had stopped talking and I could get a word in edge wise I just said it not my place to discuss my ex or her issues with anybody in this level of detail and thanked him for his call and hung up. I than promptly blocked the number on my phone to prevent future calls.

    Anyway now while I did get some feeling of validation form this person as to my decision to end my relationship with my ex I am at the same time concerned for her emotional well being, and her saftey in regaurds to continued drug use. Everything in my wants to call her and be the doormat and safety net for her at the same time but I know I cant go back. The dogs got a really really long walk today while I pondered this. I've made my decision and I am not going to reach out, period as it would only make things worse. Just sucks that once you know something you can unknow it. I know the best course is to stay in NC and just let it be so I have reached out to my friends and have been talking with them, but I figured I would reach out here too, beats calling her up wich would just reset the whole process.

  2. #12
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    @19Nick87

    Hi , I was just reading thru thread because ur also at 7 month point as I am . I don't know it helped me feel better that u also still struggle even though it had been 7 months as I do .

    I cant believe the current boyfriend reached out to u for advice . That is so wrong on so many levels. I am guessing this triggered u into memories of her . Please try to stay no contact since she is with this guy, it might set u back further .

    I also have rough days still. Some days I think I am doing better than there are days I feel kinda worse .

  3. #13
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear about the new dose of drama.

    As I said in an earlier post, I can relate to some of this. My ex has some real mental health issues, and I certainly have my own issues in the way that I became tethered to being a stable presence during the low moments. But when I realized that dynamic was eating at my own stability, the relationship was over and that, basically, was that.

    Anyhow, in recent months I've had a couple of moments like the one you're describing—moments where I've known she's not doing okay, where I grew concerned, and where part of me wanted to check in, be there, whatever. But I knew that wasn't going to be good—not for, not for her, not for whatever kind of healthy relationship I'd like us to one day have (healthy silence). So I stayed quiet, and you know what? She's alive. Is she great, is she a mess? I don't know. I just know that it's not on me—she'll walk the path she needs to walk, as will yours.

  4. #14
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    So today is the 11th. I still have maintained NC, though I had a few hours on the 7th where my brain was constantly going, I know deep down nothing good can come of getting involved in that drama again. I’ve added the new number to my block list and didnt even respond.

    Walked about 20 miles the other day while traveling with my job. Got home, meet an old friend and we went for a hike with the pups and talked about the recent events and got the same advise of just stay in NC.

    I have lost about 20 lbs due to excersize lately trying to get that last 10 off and than tone my stomach/abs/beer gut.

    Every passing day things are getting easier though. Was much easier to dismiss the wole current boy friend reaching out to me than I thought it would be. I alao havent felt quite as alone as I was before. I’m finding I dont feel the need to have sombody around all the time. I have moments but its definatly gotten much better.

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  6. #15
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    This week has seen major progress I think. Yea I still have moments where I think about my ex, but no more times where its hard to breath or fighting the feeling of lonesomeness. Im actually looking forward to my work trup this week, not dreading the time alone.

    Im finding I miss my ideas of what should have been not the reality of what was. For what its worth I saw an episode of cops and thought “thank god im not with my ex, we would have wound up on that show.” Im making plans again for the future and have a new backup contingency for work shouldnit go south.

    Honestly just feel really good about where I am headed in life. Its nice to have direction again, even if its not with my ex its a direction and it feels good. Have an appt with my counselor on weds and I cant wait to talk about some of the progress made.

    Its so nice to have found this website and read others stories. It made me realise Im not the only one dealing with problems and I found allot of inspiration from others on here. Thanks to all for sharing their stories, it helped me allot and in turn I hope my story helps others.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    And thank you for sharing yours, and adding to the well of inspiration.

    It sounds like you're really doing this right—not pretending you're magically cured, owning that hard thoughts come and go, but listening to the wiser voice inside rather than the impulsive one. Building that emotional muscle (and, hey, working off a beer gut) is going to make you grateful for this time.

    As for those ideas of what should have been—well, stay on this path and you'll find you'll actualize them in reality. Not with her or anyone, but within, so when the time is right you'll be able to share it with someone new and build something healthy and not material for an episode of "Cops."

  8. #17
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    Comming on almost 8 months broken up, still in NC and doing ok in not looking to her or for her. Been keeping busy with work (whole different problem there but we can dive into that later), hiking and my yard work.

    Supposed to go see extended family today and just dont want to. I mean they are my family but I always feel alone around them if that makes any sense. Ive been feeling alone allot this week, and not pining for my ex alone but just alone like I want sombody here with me to spend time with.

    I did some yard work the other day and just wanted sombody to be out there with me, or like I got up early and walked to the grocery store, bough fresh vegies and made myself a nice breakfast but wanted sombody to share it with.

    I dont quite no where Im going with all this ramblng but hopeing sombody out there in internet land understands what I mean.

    Im not necessarily unhappy with myself just lonely. Ive been at my job for 10 years and its a love hate relationship, i love the work but hate the industry. I get to go in again this year for my physical and Ive always had a problem with the color vision test. Its always a fight with the company but Ive managed to get through it eventually. I dont even feel like arguing with them this year about it, dont feel like it matters. Ive got some savings and no major debt other than a mortgage and a small credit card (ex’s rehab) wich will be paid off soon, wonder if I even need this job anymore.

    I know the job thing is kinda random but I wonder if thats why I junped into my last relationship as an escape from the reality of work, wich really doesnt fix anything just change my focus and made the relationship toxic as I was looking to my partner to be my escape and putting undo stress onto her.

    Done with the rambling for now, just trying to see if anybody else here can relate or give advice. I got another apointment with the counslor in a few days but a few days isint helping now.

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