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Thread: Trust issues, anxiety, BAE

  1. #1

    Trust issues, anxiety, BAE

    Hi there, first time posting on the forum.
    I'm 27 and my gf is 23, we have been together for 9 months now. She is exactly what I was looking for in a partner. We worked together for a couple years and were work friends but nothing more. Then the day came we were both single and after some healing time for both of us (almost a year), we went out on a date and have been together ever since. I came from a big city and was quite the bachelor, never been a relationship guy as I get a lot of anxiety that is quite severe if I feel like things aren't working out from my own POV. I was in one relationship for 6 months a year and a half before we got together. Let's just say it left me with some trust issues, which I already had pretty badly because of my divorced parents hating each other. Back to the relationship I'm in. This girl is perfect, literally everything I want in a woman. But, like every relationship we hit some bumps, and I didn't like the way she dealt with things. One of which is that she'll go out to a bar (very rarely) with her friends and get so drunk she doesn't see everything going on around her. I had a Colleague with us tap and brush her boob right in front of my face once. He and another guy then we're showing her how to play pool from behind her right in front of me. She denied the boob part happened the next day, I played it cool that night and didn't fuss.

    This was a hard one to get over, in that moment I felt like everything shattered. That this wasn't the person I was supposed to spend my life with. I honestly thought she was the one and she thought the same. She still does, and while there has been many kinks in the relationship since then I still have hope in time I can learn to be more patient and accept things that are out of my control and feel the way I did back then, now. She likes to keep her friends to herself, I've met probably about half or more of them. When I mentioned going to a charity event she's participating in on a weekend to cheer her and her friend I haven't met on and donate to the charity, she pushed me away and said she "doesn't want to take time away from her friend", when I said I'll just come, cheer from the side lines, donate, and leave, she wouldn't let me. then emotionally broke down and moved away from the subject. It makes my trust issues rise up that's one of my big issues.

    When things like this happen, half the time we work them out, but sometimes we don't at all. And that's when I shelter off, being very short over text, never really texting her first etc etc. I don't ignore her but I'm not exactly thrilled to reply to her and this can last days. I'm not a jerk, I send emojis back and say the lovey dorey stuff and pretend to be excited about things. Again this is only when we have unresolved disagreements. Because I overthink and have severe anxiety so I tend to think about a fabricated negative and fixatate on it thinking there's a chance it's true. Like her cheating, or breaking things off.

    It got to the point I broke up with her twice now, we got back together the same day, mainly her doing (the getting back together part). Break ups were One week apart. About a month ago.

    So now we've had this latest friend charity argument about a month after the break ups and back together and I just find myself struggling to figure out how I can get back to that happy place with her. It can be hard to talk things thru as she then gets very emotional and it's all about her and her feelings and never get to figure out the actual subject for the conversation started on that made her emotional.

    Sorry if this is a lot, it's 9 months of drama, or some of it lol.

    FYI I really really like this girl.

    Trust issues...
    So my trust issues as I stated above run deep, my gf lives with her parents and only lived on her own with an ex BF years ago for about 6 months. We used to work together, now it's the same company but I moved to a different store. New position. She comes over 3 nights of the week, sometimes I go over and visit her once a week and her family. I've had a gut feeling like something is going on that shouldn't be, typically my gut feelings are close but not always accurate. This leads to anxiety. I know what your all probably thinking, "has she done anything to make you not trust her". Well TBH not entirely, and when I need reassurance, she gives it to me, followed by the "I don't feel like you trust me" and emotions.

    Now ofcourse I'm missing pieces of the puzzle, and all your hearing are the bad things. Let me know your thoughts on all this💭 . Thanks all 🙏🏻

  2. #2
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    I just want to start off by saying that it is strong of you to admit that you have anxiety and trust issues that exist, independent of your relationship with this woman. It will be important for you to recognize when your anxiety and feelings are responses to her actions, or if they are not. She is not responsible for what anyone else has done. That is not something she can control.

    I share your concern for her safety if she gets so drunk that she is not aware of her surroundings. The event you described, however, was not her fault. If someone inappropriately touches her or gropes her, that person is to blame. You should be angry with your colleague for doing that when they were playing pool. She was possibly irresponsibly too drunk, but then again, you were there with her, were you not? So she wasn't out in public without trusted people around her. If you fear that she gets too drunk in public and may be risking her safety, that is its own conversation and you can discuss that with her. But when you do, the topic of trusting her fidelity should not come into the discussion at all. That is a conversation about your concern for her being vulnerable when she and her friends are drunk. It's not about controlling her and it's not about blaming her for other people taking advantage of her drunken state. Instead, that should be a conversation based on your concern for her safety.

    Secondly, she is allowed to do things with friends that do not involve you. If she chooses to include you in an event with her friends, that's her choice. She is not obligated to include you in everything she does, just to earn your trust. Being in a trusting relationship means that you have to take a leap of faith for the other person. She is asking you to trust her, that when she is going out in the world without you, that she will still be acting in a way that does honor to your feelings and in a way that is respectful of your relationship. You cannot make someone do that, and you cannot always know what she is doing. That's faith; trust without proof.

    The two of you are young and she is younger, so she may make some mistakes and errors of judgement. If you love her and believe that she is your perfect partner, you two can work through these with love and forgiveness. I know that your feelings are important, and it is hard to trust someone in this stage of the relationship. That grows over time.

    It does sound like you two have NOT found the best way to work through your problems, since it sounds like, from what you've told me, that things tends to get off-topic and veer into emotional reactions when you try to talk about them. That is really common for lots of people. That is something that will be important to overcome. It will take work on your part.

    What I encourage is that you should focus on YOUR reactions and YOUR choices and YOUR words. You cannot control her and you should not think of this as any kind of competition, or that you should match her emotions or reactions with your own. That is reactionary and immature. If you both can rise above emotional reactions and both try to be the bigger person, you will both have a stronger relationship. But you can only control your own reactions. You can't control your feelings, and it's OK to feel anxiety and to have trouble with trusting her right now. That doesn't mean your relationship is doomed or that there is something wrong with you or her. Feelings are things we can't control. We can only control how we deal with them and how we communicate them. Again, trust grows over time but you have to let it grow. You have to give her room to gain your trust. Trust will not grow overnight in a tightly controlled environment, it needs space and time.

    Finally, relationships are more than the sum of two people's feelings and actions. Try to focus on having a strong relationship. Prioritize your relationship. If she is not doing anything to hurt you, and you love her, you should give her the chance to earn your trust, make mistakes, and just be human.

  3. #3
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    The brushing thing -- maybe she thought he bumped her as he was going past. If someone bumps me as they are going past me and it happens to be my boob - sometimes its not a deliberate act and i file it away as accidental contact and forget about it a minute later. If he walked right up to her, looked her in the eye and tweaked her breast - then that's different - but you should be mad at HIM and not her and not use your friends to test her. But she could have been really embarrassed and kind of said it didn't happen because she didn't know what to say because it was your friend.

    If you have broken up with her twice recently, of course she is going to want to do something with her friend without you ---

    You each have your own issues, but you have to stop testing your gf and know that especially after breaking up with her twice in a row - she is going to not want you around 24/7 and its okay for her to do something with a friend. your response should have been "how about we catch dinner after?"

  4. #4
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    If you have broken up with her twice recently, of course she is going to want to do something with her friend without you ---

    You each have your own issues, but you have to stop testing your gf and know that especially after breaking up with her twice in a row - she is going to not want you around 24/7 and its okay for her to do something with a friend. your response should have been "how about we catch dinner after?"
    This. I dated a guy who did the same thing, and I was increasingly reluctant to let him back into my life. I was tired of opening up to him, only to have him bail shortly thereafter.

    OP, you need to cut this girl a little slack. You can't break up with her and expect her to welcome you back in as though nothing has happened. Give her time.

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  6. #5
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    Are you taking anything for the anxiety? If no, why not?

    My concern:

    Keeping you on the periphery of your life.

    What did she say when you brought up the charity event issue? Why haven't you met more of the friends?

    You need to stop the passive aggressive responses. You must also talk things out. And, stop with all of the break ups.

    Do you have friends?
    Last edited by Hollyj; 06-11-2018 at 01:33 PM.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    My last bf was much like you describe yourself.

    I will start by pointing out that at the bar scene, you yourself mentioned that she drinks to this point very rarely, so this was just one time coincidence. Not a character issue. If someone brushed up against her and she missed it, then I am not sure what the issue is, unless you insist on making it one.

    I was put in a position of partly being responsible for managing my bf's insecurities. He asked me to check in, let him know who I was with and account for my day. This arrangement came on in a slow and subtle way. When I acquiesced to these requests all I did in essence was reward him for his bad behavior. He didn't get the chance to learn to manage his anxieties if I was always having to work around them. His insecurities and anxiety were his to deal with. Not mine. I didn't create them, I couldn't fix them and I shouldn't have to pay the price of those before me.

    My ex would have a melt down over some perceived slight. I in turn got tired of having my integrity challenged. He ran away, shut down and sulking much like you do only to return thinking maybe I had learned my lesson and things would be different. The last time he ran, I told him not to come back.

    Should wants to dedicate a day to her friend, but you are insisting you'll be on the sidelines? You need to ask yourself why.
    Surely she's allowed to have friendships outside of her relationship, right?

    I think we all have those moments of insecurity. I know I have mine. When I feel one well up I have to ask myself if it's warranted or something from my past has triggered me. It's almost always the latter and I know better then to put this upon my bf. It's my problem to deal with and I know I need to check myself.

  8. #7
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    What does "Bae" mean?

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by HeartGoesOn
    What does "Bae" mean?
    I think it is a colloquial affectionate diminutive of Babe, as in, one's romantic partner. Babe had one letter too many, I guess.

  10. #9
    Thank you all for your replys, I read thru them all some a couple times.

    Rihannon really hit home. The reason I came to the forum wasn't because we had some huge fight and we're still mad at each other. I came for self improvement. I know my issues and yes I have friends. I run my own company and sometimes not being in control can be hard. That with my other issues creates a whirl pool effect in my life. What you wrote gave me back a perspective I've been missing since we hit some bumps. I will forever be greatful for that.

    I take GABA for my anxiety from time to time. I've found in my life I'm happiest when I'm doing cardio so I started that back up and feel more confident and less insecure if any. I had a bad car accident a couple years ago that's made it hard for me to do certain things but I used to be super fit and really into health. Anyway I'm using other ways to do cardio in the gym as I can't jog around the city anymore.

    reinventmyself, I really appreciate your comment, tho some of what you mentioned just wasn't me. I try my best to talk openly about every arguemeant or disagreement with my gf. I've never once sulked, and my gf spends time with her friends 2-3 times of the week and I haven't had any issues with it. I think it's great! It's just my insecurity with the last one I mentioned above.

    What I've learned about this and all your wonderful comments is that every issue I'm having is my own problem. I've identified why I feel "such" way and I realize that it doesn't need to be an issue with my gf, but an issue I need to work on myself. A relationship is supposed to enhance each others lives and I see now how all of my first comment is impacting her. The first thing I did was write her a nice long note, apologizing for every stupid thing I brought up, took credit for being someone I never wanted to be in a relationship and told her I loved her. This was out of the blue and she really appreciated it. I also took an understanding as to how she must of felt thru each issue including the breakups and wrote that and apologized. This hasn't always been me, only for about the last 4 months when the issues started to come in. We still need to work on some things like communication but hey who doesn't. As long as I catch myself with an insecurity and handle it myself and not allowing it to affect my relationship I'll be a stronger partner for her and we will grow together. And I really feel that way. Thanks again all :)


    Btw bae stands for before anyone else :)


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