My Trust Issues

I'm going to preface this by saying that I am very self-aware that I have self esteem and insecurity issues, which do make relationships a little challenging for me. I've been cheated on in the past and have really struggled in my new relationships since. Currently, I've been in a relationship with a guy for about a year, and I love him very much, and I've never been happier in a relationship. However, I still don't feel secure or like I can totally trust him and I don't know if it's my own issues causing this or if I have serious concerns that are valid.

We did long distance for the first 7 months of our relationship, which was a huge risk, but we're still together and made it past. But, now I'm realizing issues that we never worked through then. For example, he kept in touch with multiple exes that entire time and (still does) and he never told me about it. Now he's gotten to the point where he'll say oh yeah "Brittany" or whoever texted me last week. But basically this has been going on for a year and I was unaware. He also used to hook up with this girl that is in his same college program as him and she used to send him nudes. I saw they were texting each other two months ago and asked him about it and told him how uncomfortable it made me, and he said she would text him about school and I dropped it. But, I was looking at old facebook photos of him today and I saw that same girl was commenting on his photos that he looked cute and this photo was posted while we were 6 months into our relationship, so I don't know what their contact involved. We got in a huge fight about this girl and he told me he was honest and nothing went down with them, but I still have these internal gut suspicions I can't shake.

I also have a hard time getting information out of him a lot of the time. It could just be basic stuff like what he did the day before. He's just not much of a sharer, but a lack of information comes off as a lack of transparency and honestly in a relationship to me. For example about a week ago he was just sort of dancing around what he did the night before, and after a lot of probing I found out he took his friend from class (a girl) to see a movie. I know this girl and I trust her, but I found it odd he wouldn't just tell me.

Are these all red flags or am I being too sensitive due to my past relationships?

Shorter version: BF keeps in contact with exes and isn't honest about day to day whereabouts. Red flags?

Does anyone know the best way to get past your internal trust issues? Any way to deal with your trust issues yourself without getting your partner involved in the mess? Thanks in advance!

Are you in the same area, now?

yes! We've been in the same area for 6 months now.

How often do you see one another?

Probably 4 days a week on average! Usually the weekends and one night during the week days.

Well....I mean you are blaming your past, but I'd say most people in your shoes would have a problem with your bf's behavior. I think you actually have the opposite problem where you are being too lenient and accepting what you shouldn't because you think you have trust issues. When someone is being shady, you aren't supposed to trust them. Your bf is being shady.

Do you have trust issues in general or just in relationships? It might not be red flags as such. With that said though, if you're feeling uncomfortable about something in the relationship you absolutely have to discuss it.

If he was being honest about his communication with exes and other women, I would say don't worry about it, but that doesn't seem to be the case. I'm not really comfortable with people I date being in contact with exes, but it's a case by case basis that requires a discussion. Sometimes when a relationship was not very serious and both parties moved on without hurt feelings a true friendship is possible. Most people seem to hold onto exes for the wrong reasons, though. If he talks to all of his exes I find that extremely strange.

Long story short, maybe you should just talk to him about how his behavior makes you feel. Someone who loves you is not going to put other women from his past over your relationship.

I wouldn't trust him either.

If he were open and honest, didn't seem happy about receiving nude photos from other women, and had never given you cause to doubt him, then I'd say you had "trust issues". If he'd mentioned that he was taking a female friend to see a movie - with no other intentions - and hadn't tried to hide it, but you gave him a hard time about it, then I'd say you had "trust issues". However, much of his behaviour is both disrespectful of you and your relationship, and the only obvious symptom of your low self esteem is that you're still with this guy.

Trust is something which comes from within, beginning with trusting your own judgment, and the best way to cultivate it is to have friendships/relationships with people who are honest, open and reliable. That will give you a good indicator of what a healthy relationship looks like, and having a harem of ex-girlfriends and covering up his tracks is not the behaviour of someone who will boost your confidence in any way, shape or form.

By now he's perfectly aware of how you feel around this, continues to have inappropriate contact with these girls and is clearly not bothered by the fact that it hurts you.