Our relationship revolves around me and I don't like it...

So it's been almost 3 years that I've been with my boyfriend. The longest relationship I've ever been in also. All of his old life is in other states. We live together, we've had our ups and dows like everyone but something that is hard is he really doesn't have his own life outside of mine. Everything in his life now has somehow stemmed from my life. He's told me all about his past but I've never really got to see anything from it. He really doesn't even have pictures. Another thing is he hates his family but tries to talk good about them because he says he doesn't want to remember the bad things about them. Long story short his parents were drug addicts and he was raised by his grandparents. He has never said anything bad about his brother though and only talks highly about him. They never keep in contact really. He only talks to his grandparents yet that live in a different state and it's maybe once every couple months. From what I know none of his family try to reach out to him. I added his brother on Facebook and he got mad and told me that he never wants me talking to his family. This really hurt because I just want to know something in his life. I've never even talked to any of his friends, that are all in different states too, along with his family before. He asked me why can't I just be happy that he's dedicated to me and why this bothers me so much. I really don't have an answer for that but it feels like he just doesn't want me apart of anything that was in his life. I just don't know if I'm in the wrong and just need to forget it or am I justified to feel this way? I think about the future and I just don't know if it will make a difference. I just don't need this added on stress right now. How do I make him understand why it bothers me?

I see two separate issues here, colliding into one:

A) Some people do indeed have toxic relationships with their families, and only find peace by putting great distance there. If he doesn't have a good relationship with them, I can see why he would not be comfortable with you adding his brother on social media without first talking to him. As for his friends - well, I can see why you would be concerned. I live abroad, and while my partner has not met several of my friends back home in person, they certainly all know about each other. I try as best I can to integrate him into that part of my life, even though I'm on another continent. I like to share updates about them with him, and vice versa. Do you know if your boyfriend is actually in contact with his old friends? If he's not, then there's really nothing to introduce you to, so to speak.

It's a little hard to determine if he's actually hiding something from you, or if he genuinely has a troubled past that he'd rather not re-live. Perhaps his past might be different from what he's told you. How did you meet?

B) He has no life outside of you. The problem with that is this puts a lot of pressure on you keep him happy, and it's not a healthy dynamic for two adults. Does he work? Study? Have any hobbies or interests that are separate from yours?

Agree with above that you have two separate issues going on here.

In terms of his family, if he does have this toxic past, it makes sense that he has distanced himself from it. I do have to agree with him that you finding his brother on FB and simply adding him was you overstepping some boundaries. Very inappropriate of you. I just want to know his family is really not an excuse for that. You've never met those people and your bf doesn't seem to maintain much contact with them. This is where you need to be in his corner and not climbing over his head to force a connection. His friends, again, does he keep in touch with them or has he simply drifted away from them? If he drifted away, nothing to introduce. It happens with people, nothing all that unusual about that. My long time ago ex had most of his friends out of state, it was probably two years until I met his bff when we were actually traveling and happened to be in the area. I really didn't think anything of it. Not like he was hiding his relationship or anything such, just distance.

As for him being too wrapped up in your life, I can see how that can get old. You could maybe encourage him to find his own hobbies and thus develop some friends of his own locally. Then again, if he is more introverted, he might be quite content with just what he has. Kind of hard to tell if this is really an issue for him or if it's an issue for you because you are feeling suffocated?

Does he have any friends in your area?

The relationship is unhealthy if all of his free time revolves around you. Do you go out with friends without him?

I can definitely see how he would not want those toxic people back in his life. It's just that from what I've heard they are not all toxic so why does he not want the good ones around yet? I do realize I over stepped but I don't know his boundaries because he never tells me them. A lot of times I have to learn the hard way. It's hard for me to understand too because I'm so close with both sides of my family. Yes he is in contact with some of them but I don't even know if he has ever mentioned me to them besides that he lives with me. I know he has a troubled past but he talks of so much good of what he use to do like he was in the military, and he raced dirt bikes. He just doesn't have like any pictures from it though and he's shown me proof that he was in those things. He has hobbies but all of them are to expensive for him right now. My life revolves around horses so I found him a horse too so he could be more apart of it but he barely rides with me because he doesn't like to all the time. He has a full time job but there is only a few people that work with him and he doesn't have much in common with them. He does stuff every once and a while. I hang out with my own friends and do our things and when I invite him to come along most of the time the things we do are too boring for him. It drives me up the wall because I'm doomed either way. I'm a very outdoorsy person and like doing things outside, he always wants to do a lot of things inside and I don't so it turns into more of a mess because neither of us want to do what the other one does. He doesn't like it because he's bored a lot and I don't like it because he wants me to do stuff I don't want to do. He needs friends close by and so far that hasn't been possible. I really do feel suffocated but I also feel bad that I'm going to do my thing well he sits back bored. I'm feeling very trapped in my life right now with everything and it doesn't help when I have both him and my mother suffocating me all the time. I want to spend time with him I really do I just want us both to be able to enjoy it more. We really don't even go on dates anymore because we get so busy.

How did you meet? Why is this bothering you? It's not your job to determine how close he wants to be with his family. He's given you an overview of the reasons and some sordid details, why pry further and attempt to control his family involvement? Also it's stretching a bit to add His family to your fb. It doesn't matter if they were all saints and acted like a tv family, it's still his call how he interacts with his people. Don't nag or mother or play social police, leave it be.

If your family is close and in fact over enmeshed and "suffocating", that's your call and your issue to resolve. Have you considered that you envy his ability to have boundaries or distance himself or write those off he needs to? As far as his suffocating you, you both need to assert more boundaries and have individual interests, hobbies, activities, friends, etc.

I It's just that from what I've heard they are not all toxic so why does he not want the good ones around yet? I'm so close with both sides of my family. I have both him and my mother suffocating me all the time.