Help please I don’t want to lose him 😢

Looking for advice please ..my boyfriend of 6 months has just told me that he doesn’t want a relationship anymore and has to break up with me ..we met 6 months ago and from day 1 we had the best connection in every way we made each other happy had so much fun every time we met ..to this day we have never argued over anything .. 7 weeks ago he had an accident and broke his leg meaning he will not be able to work for about 5 months 😲 this has caused him tremendous stress as he is self employed and therefore not earning money he is finding it so hard as he is a very independent person and now everything is difficult for him I have been there for him and helped him with everything also trying to get him to keep positive and reminding him that it’s only temporary and soon he will be back on his feet .. he’s never been much of a texter whereas I am so he says that i e been putting too much pressure on him texting as he feels accountable to me and he doesent want to be ..I’ve tried to reassure him he’s not and sorry if he felt that way anyway yesterday he told me he doesent want a relationship and said how good we are together he had tears in his eyes as he was telling me 😢 I’m going to try and give him some space as I do feel it’s all of the stress got on top of him ..what should I do I really don’t want to lose him because it’s true we are so good together too good to lose ..sorry for the long post hope somebody can advise me x

Sorry to hear this. How old is he? Does he live with his parents? It's a time for him to focus on recuperation and his associated issues, not keeping up with your texting needs. Back off and give him some space to heal and recuperate.

7 weeks ago he had an accident and broke his leg meaning he will not be able to work for about 5 months and therefore not earning money.he’s never been much of a texter whereas I am so he says that i been putting too much pressure on him texting

Thanks no he doesent live with his parents he’s 50 and self employed 😊 I guess he really does have a lot on his plate right now I’ll give him some space and see if he reaches out

Thanks I’m not trying to convince him as I don’t want a one sided relationship it’s just sad because we are so good together he says that too ..maybe he will reach out who knows

Yes, believe him when he says he doesn't want a relationship right now.

I am curious how often you were really texting him, though. Him citing that as a reason to break up suggests you two have very different communication styles and expectations.

Actually we do I was only texting him in morning and sometimes once at night too he’s not a great texter he hasent ever been and that’s ok

Ok so he's a responsible adult injured, self employed and certainly worried about his survival financially. Yes give him space.

However keep in mind that he may have been thinking about ending things because of excess texting, clinging etc. Maybe he wasn't as happy as you thought and now that the going is tough for him he has to go of the weakest link, which is a relationship and high maintenance texting.

Thanks no he doesent live with his parents he’s 50 and self employed. 😊 I guess he really does have a lot on his plate right now I’ll give him some space and see if he reaches out

While I do feel sorry for the fellow and understand his situation is difficult, I feel more sorry for you. Just from texting a couple times a day has led him to bail out so soon and he didn't even communicate to you he wanted less of it before breaking up. People aren't mind readers. He needed to speak up.

If this is how he handles stress in a relationship, I wouldn't want to continue. It would be hard, but who wants someone back who doesn't want you at any point? It's so one sided, it's hurtful. Everyone goes through stress, health, financial, and/or other many problems in life at one point. I wouldn't want to be with someone who checks out during those times.

I rather be with the person who asks for time to fix whatever is going on in a reasonable fashion, be secure enough to know they can handle life's problems in a healthy way, and communicate their needs to a partner. While I realize the relationship is in the early stages, this is still not a good sign.

Hey, I'm sorry for you're going through this. Breakups are very difficult, and often people make a lot of mistakes in the early days they come to regret down the line, because they really don't want to lose the person (e.g. begging, scheming, bargaining, convincing behaviors). Take what he has said at face value and focus on moving on. Cut the contact between the two of you, and definitely leave the sorting of his life solely to him.

You mentioned he doesn't deal well with losing his independence. It could be that through all your attempts to help him, he feels overwhelmed. It also sounds like you have general intimacy incompatibilities as well, based on the comment you made about texting frequency. Work on acknowledging that there are significant differences between the two of you and that the relationship was not perfect.

Finally, the biggest piece of advice I could give you is to not wait around for him to change his mind, whether actively or passively. You can always do better than a partner who has decided they are better off without you!

Or you could send a closure communication like this:

"Ok, I hear you, and I am going to back off.

I'd like to help you through these hard times, and I am prepared to do it on your terms, because I see some light for us at the end of this tunnel.

I am going to respect your wishes, and you won't hear from me again.

If you rethink things, get in touch.

Love and best wishes

Jeanetine1"

If I got that, I'd have a long hard look in the mirror.

But do it fast, and then go strict No Contact.

It will shorten the hurt if you never hear from him.

Thankyou and you’re right he actually said he felt overwhelmed 😕 I guess I did the wrong thing whilst meaning to do the right thing in supporting him..he also said he was very grateful for everything I’d done ..this is what’s hurting like I said our relationship was going great guns until this accident and I think it’s the stress is he going through caused by this ...they do say dont they that stress and depression can take their toll on relationships ..

Or you could send a closure communication like this:

 

"Ok, I hear you, and I am going to back off.

 

I'd like to help you through these hard times, and I am prepared to do it on your terms, because I see some light for us at the end of this tunnel.

 

I am going to respect your wishes, and you won't hear from me again.

 

If you rethink things, get in touch.

 

Love and best wishes

 

Jeanetine1"

 

If I got that, I'd have a long hard look in the mirror.

 

But do it fast, and then go strict No Contact.

 

It will shorten the hurt if you never hear from him.

Thankyou I was thinking of sending a short message along similar lines just for eg hi I just wanted to let you know that if u want to talk I’m here but respecting you wishes at the same time ..I think yours sounds better though th

While I do feel sorry for the fellow and understand his situation is difficult, I feel more sorry for you. Just from texting a couple times a day has led him to bail out so soon and he didn't even communicate to you he wanted less of it before breaking up. People aren't mind readers. He needed to speak up.

 

If this is how he handles stress in a relationship, I wouldn't want to continue. It would be hard, but who wants someone back who doesn't want you at any point? It's so one sided, it's hurtful. Everyone goes through stress, health, financial, and/or other many problems in life at one point. I wouldn't want to be with someone who checks out during those times.

 

I rather be with the person who asks for time to fix whatever is going on in a reasonable fashion, be secure enough to know they can handle life's problems in a healthy way, and communicate their needs to a partner. While I realize the relationship is in the early stages, this is still not a good sign.

Hey, I'm sorry for you're going through this. Breakups are very difficult, and often people make a lot of mistakes in the early days they come to regret down the line, because they really don't want to lose the person (e.g. begging, scheming, bargaining, convincing behaviors). Take what he has said at face value and focus on moving on. Cut the contact between the two of you, and definitely leave the sorting of his life solely to him.

 

You mentioned he doesn't deal well with losing his independence. It could be that through all your attempts to help him, he feels overwhelmed. It also sounds like you have general intimacy incompatibilities as well, based on the comment you made about texting frequency. Work on acknowledging that there are significant differences between the two of you and that the relationship was not perfect.

 

Finally, the biggest piece of advice I could give you is to not wait around for him to change his mind, whether actively or passively. You can always do better than a partner who has decided they are better off without you!

These are well said. But they may be a little harsh for now. Only you can decide if this person is worth it and pushing away because it is really tough or that you two just aren't that compatible.

Thanks I would like to see what happens as I know we had a good relationship he is just struggling big time with pressure of not working and not being able to the easiest daily tasks that we all take for granted..he knows I’m here if he wants to talk so I guess I will just have to wait and see if he contacts me

You've only known him for six months, so of course everything seemed perfect and rosy. However, now you are getting a real taste of him and learning that he is emotionally distant. A couple of texts a day doesn't really make you a crazy texter and it doesn't sound like you were bothering him during working hours either. If so little contact bothered him that much, he could have spoken up at any time, but instead he is chose to stew on it and used it against you. The fact that so little bothered him in the first place is a problem in and of itself.

You might want to rethink how you see him and whether he is worth your anguish, let alone you taking him back.

I guess the more pressing stresses he’s facing got in the way and he didn’t see that I was trying to help ..all I can do is wait s d see if he contacts me 😕

I guess the more pressing stresses he’s facing got in the way and he didn’t see that I was trying to help ..all I can do is wait s d see if he contacts me 😕

If he can only be dating when all is well, aka fair weather guy, then he is not relationship material and you are wasting your time on him.

Ultimately, I firmly believe that when someone dumps you because of x life stress, they really weren't all that into you in the first place. They are literally taking off the table what is easiest and most disposable. This might be extremely unpleasant to face, but it's better than sitting around waiting on this guy to come around. From your perspective, everything was just so wonderful. Going by his actions, he wasn't as into things as you.

Ok well whilst I respect what you are saying I know this not to be true and the stress of not being able to work as an self employed man is tremendous right now with all of the implications from that ..however I am upset that he didn’t want me to stick around I still have hope that this is a temporary situation and there may still be something there for us

The relationship is new and he doesn't have the energy to concentrate on courting you -- planning fun dates, doing what is required of a boyfriend at 6 months. I would walk away -- do what was said -- that he won't hear from you, etc. but at the same time make sure that's not said manipulatively. If he does call, don't be immediately available to him. Live your life, go out with friends, be too busy to be at his beck and call. Don't become his nurse.

I won’t be ..thanks

Be sure to resist the urge to text him "just to say 'hi'" or "just to see how you're doing" or "just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you". No, no and no. You'd be reminding him of why he ended it, not of how great it was.

Thanks that really does make sense 👍 I already sent one text just saying that if he wanted to chat I’m here but respecting that he wants to be alone 😕 I won’t text again though that will be hard as I’m feeling miserable at the moment .ill try and keep myself busy 😊

I was really wondering if anybody else at had similar experience though of their partner finishing things whilst under big stress or feeling depression like I said this is I’m sure how he is feeling right now but in a couple of months he will be recovered and back at work do you think he might then think again ? He’s always been such a happy easygoing Guy this has just thrown him

The thing is....he didn't tell you he is too busy or that there is too much going on - it's what you are telling yourself. He told you pretty bluntly that he doesn't want a relationship with you. OK, the "with you" was silent, but let's face it, it's what's always there. Few people have the guts to say it out loud. Probably best that you don't feed yourself this idea that it's only temporary, that it's only because of this and that he has going on. All you are doing is lying to yourself and feeding hope, which stops you from healing and moving on.

When someone tells you that they don't want to be with you, better to accept it at face value and work on moving on. There is a man out there who would absolutely love to be with you, fully, and talk to you every day because he wants to, etc. He is out there and best you keep on looking for him.

I was really wondering if anybody else at had similar experience though of their partner finishing things whilst under big stress or feeling depression like I said this is I’m sure how he is feeling right now but in a couple of months he will be recovered and back at work do you think he might then think again ? He’s always been such a happy easygoing Guy this has just thrown him

I had an ex who had a chaotic period in life and dumped me because he couldn't give me the relationship i wanted - (i wasn't high maintenance wanting expensive dates or constant contact) i didn't ask for anything really, but the fact of needing to call someone once in awhile to actually keep the relationship going was just too much - or being concerned about another person's well being. He may have wanted to dump you for awhile because of other reasons - maybe you are too clingy or there are compatibility or attraction issues -- and is letting you down easy. the other thing i suspect is if he will be on disability or is without an income for a few months - it may feel emasculating to him --- he can't wine you and dine you or keep up with you in that way.

Who knows -- but take it gracefully vs trying to "fix" the reasons.